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Mom's without Mom's part 5 - Page 5

post #81 of 298
copied and pasted...

<sigh>Well, I think I belong here, now. My mom died Friday evening. She had been waiting for a liver transplant but had been too weak to get on the transplant list (the surgery would have killed her) and went into total kidney failure, so the Friday before my dad made the decision (in total accordance with mom's previously stated wishes and supported by all of us) to take no heroic measures as there was no hope of recovery. So all the tubes were removed from her and she was kept comfortable. She was in a coma by that point. Friday evening, my dad and sister (who were sitting with her) went to dinner and 5 mins later the hospital called and said she was gone. The funny thing is I had gone grocery shopping to Meijers with DH (we had been by the phone on the death wait for a week and couldn't wait any longer) and while I was shopping I got an ear worm (you know, a song that wont get out of your head?) and I kept singing the chorus to "I'll fly away" under my breath over and over again. (For those that don't know the hymn it goes "I'll fly away oh, glory, I'll fly away, When I die, Hallelujia by and by, Oh I'll fly away. After my DH was giving me a dirty look, I said I couldn't stop, I just couldn't get the song out of my head. then I said, "I wonder if it has anything to do with my mom." then as I was checking out I said that I though it was because we had sung it at a funeral a few weeks ago. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, I called my sister to check in and I asked her if mom was still "snoring comfortably" (Our little joke from that week, I never knew people snored while in a coma...) and she said, not exactly... and told me the hospital called after they left. (At the time, they were ordering dinner and had decided that they would call people after dinner, but would tell people if they called.) Any how, she told me that mom had died at 7:30pm which was 8:30 our time and (I'm sure you guessed it) right when that song got in my head and would not let go. I'm so glad DH was there to witness it, so I knew I wasn't crazy. I'm quite certain, that was mom's way of saying goodbye. I feel okay that I wasn't there since my mom had come to see Matthew right as she was starting this last downward slide. She was pretty sick, but I'm so glad she could see and hold him, since she had been so sick, she hadn't even seen me pregnant nor got to participate in his pregnancy like she usually did with my other kids. And the whole time she was here we did nothing but talk, which was wonderful, since she has been so sick and weak that it has been little more than a "hello" and then "here, talk to your dad" for the last year and a half.

Even though I've had my crying moments, I still don't think it has quite hit me. I feel really bad for my dad, perhaps because I know some of his pain from my experience with DH this summer. Basically for those who don't know, June 15, Scott was lifeflighted from our community hospital to the big regional hospital ICU. He went from talking to me to crashing in about an hour. He crashed (heart raced really fast and they had to shock his heart) at our local hospital, they intubated him and lifeflighted him, where they worked on him the entire 12 minute flight to keep him alive (including shocking his heart again)until he got to the ICU at the regional hospital and then later that night when I was in with him he crashed again (His BP dropped out the bottom that time). He ended up having necrotizing fascitis (the flesh eating bacteria) from an infected hair follicle on his inner thigh (a boil) and they removed a 6" x 6" x 10" chunk from his leg, he had toxic shock syndrome (which is staph in your bloodstream) and was in septic shock that caused all of his organ systems to shut down. (lungs, heart, digestive, liver and kidneys) He gained about 25# of fluid from the sepsis and had to get dialysis. He was unconscious and intubated in the ICU and was not expected to make it. They told me that if he made it he would be critical in the ICU for 3-6 months. He was not expected to be awake for our baby's birth. He is my walking miracle; was extubated and left the ICU after 3 weeks and went home in 4 weeks. (A week after leaving the ICU!) They also had told me that he would have to go to a rehab hospital for a few weeks before he went home. He never did. He came home with a walker and very weak and on dialysis 3x a week on July 10. The last concern for permanent damage was whether or not his kidneys would come back or if he would permanently be on dialysis and need a kidney transplant. Amazingly a week after we came home he was off of dialysis. A week after that his bloodwork was good enough to have his dialysis port removed. He was on a wound vac, but that ended on his birthday August 27 and his wound is now completely healed into a neat little seam. September 7th the visiting nurse came to discharge him from home health care along with the home OT and PT. Now he will be going to outpatient OT and PT so he can regain his strength to return to work. DH works transportation for a state prison so need to be able to run across the prison in case of a riot, wrestle prisoners to the ground and shoot a handgun and shotgun. He doesn't do those things very often, but needs to be able to, KWIM? I am sooo happy, that not only is he alive, but he is doing great recovering and my greatest hope when he was sickest was that perhaps he might be well enough to be wheeled down to the birth in a wheelchair to just witness our baby's birth and now he is well enough to drive me to the hospital and be an active participant. Woohoo! His only ongoing issue right now other than getting stronger is that he now appears to have a post-infection type of arthritis that should last a few months, and he has painful joints that makes his rehab to get stronger more difficult, but with all we have been through, we'll make it through this bump in the road. A side benefit, although I would recommend Weight Watchers instead of becoming critically ill, is he lost 50 pounds from when he got sick. (He was overweight) He is doing great and I am so thankful for all the prayers and good thoughts while we were going through the worst of it. It sustained me through some of the darkest hours when I thought I would lose my beloved husband and I am absolutely certain, that the prayers and good thoughts are why he is alive and recovering so well. There are too many things that happened the one and only way they could for him to survive and that happened many times over.

Well this is already way too long, but I just wanted to introduce myself, since I suspect I'll need the support as losing my mom really sinks in. We're having her memorial services the beginning of March. My mom was only 60. <sigh>
post #82 of 298
this is my first mothers day without my mama, and I am getting a little bit scared ... also her birthday is June 13 ... i was thinking about having a birthday party for her
post #83 of 298
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by thewaggonerfamily View Post
nak, oht
I will share my mom's story later (Its in greif forum abt the 1st week in Dec) and I'm going back to read all of yours... but I was in Meijers and started crying when I saw the Mothers day cards. I just wanted to share with someone who understands. <sigh>
Hugs and welcome to our sad little group.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
this is my first mothers day without my mama, and I am getting a little bit scared ... also her birthday is June 13 ... i was thinking about having a birthday party for her

I think there are a lot of us here that this will be our first mother's day. I am not sure how I will handle it. I keep on finding my mom the perfect mother's day gift. You know how hard it was to find on perfect gift? This year I have found like 10.
post #84 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
this is my first mothers day without my mama, and I am getting a little bit scared ... also her birthday is June 13 ... i was thinking about having a birthday party for her
My family, and mom's sisters and her own mother all get together the weekend of her birthday. We all go out to eat and share memories of Mom. We've been doing this for 3 years, and I love it.
post #85 of 298
Thread Starter 
bump
post #86 of 298
How ya doing??
post #87 of 298
Holy @#$%! I just took a pg test this morning and it was positive! We had to do fertility treatments to get pg with DD. I haven't been on birth control since we started TTC DD and she's two. I've been doing acupuncture and TCM for about 6 mos now but I never thought I'd really, truly get pg on my own. I am in total shock. It's 5:45 am so the only person I've told is DH. I'm so happy, so scared, and so sad for my mom all at the same time. Holy @#$%, I'm PREGNANT! :::
post #88 of 298
: :
post #89 of 298
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by papschmitty View Post
Holy @#$%! I just took a pg test this morning and it was positive! We had to do fertility treatments to get pg with DD. I haven't been on birth control since we started TTC DD and she's two. I've been doing acupuncture and TCM for about 6 mos now but I never thought I'd really, truly get pg on my own. I am in total shock. It's 5:45 am so the only person I've told is DH. I'm so happy, so scared, and so sad for my mom all at the same time. Holy @#$%, I'm PREGNANT! :::
I am so happy for you. Congratulations.
post #90 of 298
Thank you so much everyone! Yesterday, I had a little conversation with God. I asked him to please give me a sign that my knows about this pregnancy and is watching over me. As I was driving home from work, there was the most beautiful, huge rainbow in the sky. I felt such peace. I really miss having my mom to be excited with me but I'm feeling remarkably strong in the emotions department (though I'm starting to get choked up as I type this). It's kind of surprising really. I debated about whether or not to tell my dad this early. He can't keep happy secrets like this very well and doesn't have my mom there to keep him in check. I thought about it, though, and I knew he'd be devastated if he knew I chose not to tell him right away. So far he's kept his mouth shut but it's only been 24 hours. I stopped by his office on my way home (DD's daycare is next door) and he kept giving me that silly "I know something special" grin. I don't think I'm going to be able to keep this pregnancy a secret very long. I'm just still is such shock! If my mom were here, she'd already be out shopping for stuff for me and the baby. She loved getting stuff for her grandkids!

How is everyone else doing?
post #91 of 298

It's that awful, awful time of year again

First, congrats on the pregnancy, papschmitty. I hope it is a peaceful one for you.

OK, I seldom post on here, but I am compelled to do so tonight. I'm having all of those horrible feelings that resurface whenever mother's day is approaching. Last year was my first as a mom, and it was mostly a good one. I don't know if I was just excited about my first mother's day or what, but it wasn't so hard last year. But this one's killing me. I don't know why this is so hard for me to admit but I am F---ING pissed that my mom died. It has been almost 12 years and I am surprised to find myself feeling so angry again (still?). I want so badly to make sense of losing her. I don't know that I can ever get over how unfair it feels.

Mother's day is a cruel reminder in so many ways. I find myself reflecting on the ways I mother my own DD and how could memories of my own mom not be part of that? And I'm reminded of how much time has passed, how much of my life my mom has not been a part of. It's too much sometimes. And don't even get me started on having to wish my MIL a happy mother's day. That is completely painful for me. I mean, it's seriously, seriously difficult.

Anyway, I'm rambling w/ no real point. I know that I'm not the only one that hates this time of year. to all of you that are also struggling.
post #92 of 298
Back for the annual Mother's Day blues... last year (or the year before?) I emailed the lyrics to Eric Clapton's "Motherless Children" to my sister on Mother's Day.

This Mother's Day, my dad and his new wife are coming out to visit Rain and me in Kansas... they arrive Saturday and leave Monday. The timing is not so great... New Wife is also a mother, and we (my sibs, Rain, and I) are not all that fond of her. My dad hasn't come to visit me since I moved here, though, over 3 years ago. My dad has left his mother, who is 95 and in assisted living in Arizona, all alone for Mother's Day... unless my sister goes to visit, which she might. My brother is in Iraq.

My mom died in December of 2001, so maybe I should be over it... but I'm not. I keep thinking that this would all not be happening... my dad wouldn't have drifted away from his kids (and my bro and sis miss him), my grandma wouldn't be alone, my daughter would have a grandma... it just sucks.

I told Rain I didn't want anything for Mother's Day.

Dar
post #93 of 298
Oh earthgirl, many hugs to you! I think I posted a long time ago here.
My mom died 8 years ago. It is unfair. I was just thinking the other day, that though I try my best, have a good life and love my family, that there will always be this underlying sadness in me. My heart is broken. I'm in a weird place right now where I feel like I'm really drifting from her.. maybe to not feel the pain? I need to bring her brightness back into my life. I need to talk w/ her more, put up more photos of her and me, and tell more stories about her to my kids, and hear more stories from my grandmother and uncle and her friends about her. I just feel like she is now really slipping away, as my life moves on and I dont take the time I need to reflect on her.
Happy Mothers day to all the mamas and to OUR moms.
post #94 of 298
Dar I hear what you are saying about the family drifting apart. That has happened to me too. She really was the glue in our family and now, we really barely keep in touch.

post #95 of 298
This will be my first mothers day without my mama and i am nervous, but my sister reminded me of a very important thing yesterday.


Our mother lost her mother when she was only 13 years old and she grieved that loss her whole life. I think mothers day must have been the hardest day for her because she had a very hard time enjoying the appreciation we would try to bestow upon her, she was sad and grieved for her mother.

so from my "child" point of view I would like to remind all of us:

please mama's let your kids have their mothers day too, let them celebrate you.

thats all
post #96 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
so from my "child" point of view I would like to remind all of us:

please mama's let your kids have their mothers day too, let them celebrate you.

thats all
Wow. Nicely put.

That's all.
For now. I reserve the right to change my mind as I have much on my mind. OK...I guess that wasn't all.
post #97 of 298
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
This will be my first mothers day without my mama and i am nervous, but my sister reminded me of a very important thing yesterday.
<snip>
so from my "child" point of view I would like to remind all of us:

please mama's let your kids have their mothers day too, let them celebrate you.

thats all
This is my first without my mom too... and the thing that has been killer is seeing all the Mother's Day stuff in stores, the stupid Zales commerical, etc. It hurt so much more i think because, the last time my children saw my mom alive, was mother's day weekend last year when she spent the weekend with us. She was in the hospital 2 weeks later.

I'll try to keep that "let my kids have their mothers day" idea in my head... but i imagine it will be much like my 30th birthday was in March... no one will notice or care
post #98 of 298
I am letting my kids have their mothers day, shoot, I need all the special admiration and attention I can get! I work hard at being a mom and I deserve it! And you all deserve it, too!
post #99 of 298
Hey, sunanthem! I keep bumping onto you.
post #100 of 298
OK, ladies, I think I am ready for my perspective.

I've been through a lot of motherless Mother's Days now...this is the 15th. And I have been a mother for 15 years, too. The very first one we scattered her ashes in the Red River Gorge. It was a great hike and a beautiful day. And it was so new I hadn't realized the scope of the pain I was going to be going through. The next ones were hard. Really hard. I felt so cheated. And angry. And everything the rest of you feel or felt. And I have had some Mother's Days that were just plain awful. One in particular that I remember I had just had a miscarriage, the anniversary of my mom's death had just happened, I was sad and hormonal and confused, my husband and kids (2 at the time) did NOTHING for me. And I was VERY angry. I was really tired of it all and had little hope of ever being happy again.

But I have other Mother's Days that were beautiful and peaceful. At my old farm I started a tradition of planting something in the Mother's Day garden every year. It started out as a garden of plants I got from her garden. I feel very fortunate to have these (had, actually, I need to go back and dig some of them up and transplant them here).

I can't remember who said it now, but one of you were talking about finding the perfect gifts for your mother now when you couldn't before. There was a lot of that. Not so much now, but every now and then it happens. And when it happens again I think I am going to buy it for myself; I think this must be a gift from my mom, otherwise it would not evoke such an emotion. That sounds hoaky...I know. But why not? If it makes me think of the woman I cherished most in my life, and I would have bought if for her if she were alive, then I think that it must be something I am supposed to have. Yeah, I know. I'm a nut job.

At my mom's wake my dad's sister gave me a writing about the passing of 2 children's mother. I haven't read it for years now, but oddly, it made me feel kind of good. I believe I know where it is and I am going to post it on Mother's Day. I am not a religious person, and this is a bit...but I found it to be quite comforting.

Wishing you all peace, love and healing!
Paige
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