Who is "raising" your child- terminology that matters - Page 3

[henhao]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

I feel this way, too. Plus I think it creates such a circle of insanity about men taking care of children. Families that function this way exclude Dad, but then many women complain that their husbands aren't more involved.

I've known several men who were scared to take care of the baby and thought the woman knew more. DH was like that. Finally, I told him I had no idea what I was doing, and I was faking it 'til I made it. I had to tell him that a few times, and he gradually gained more confidence.

We are definitely co-parents all the way. Sometimes, it surprises people that DH changes diapers and so on, which amazes me. It's 2008, folks!

Oh, women do complain that men don't help. Well, one reason this is often so is because women often think men should be mind readers. I used to be one of these women. Now, I -- gasp! -- ask my DH to do something and he -- gasp! -- often does it. He can't know I need help unless I ask.

[WonderWild]

I say it to myself all the time. I would be highly offended if someone said it to me though. In fact, I just said it to dh last night b/c we are struggling with bedtime issues and I'm reading this book to help me figure out what to do. Well, the book is always talking about things that you can do during the day to make bedtime easier. I lost it last night and was yelling at dh that I can't even do what the book says b/c I'm not with my kid during the day and someone else is raising him. Yeah, I was very frustrated.

[One_Girl]

That statement really pisses me off. I have worked in daycare and I used to think that daycare and parenting were the same thing basically but now that I have a child I think have found that they are completely different things. Children act in very different ways in each setting and a daycare worker just doesn't have the time to raise children in any way, they feed them, teach them how to get along with peers in a group, and they may love them but they don't have the deep committed relationship long term relationship that they have with you. They don't have the time to make the type of relationship with the children that makes the relationship a "raising" type of relationship. Raising children is about more than keeping them safe, feeding them, letting them share for a minute during circle time, letting them do art, and cleaning out the sensory table every week. Anyone who thinks that this is what raising a child is all about does not know anything about raising children.

[siobhang]

The phrase about "daycare raising my kids" pisses me off.

But what REALLY steams me is the often coupled phrase "Why bother having children if...". Gets my blood really boiling...

If/when anyone asks, I make it clear that I do NOT want to do it all myself. I don't think it is healthy for my family. DH and I adore our kids, but we need help. We work because we enjoy it and because it pays for the help we need to raise our kids. Our families live far from us (the closest family member is 300 miles away and the farthest is in Hong Kong).

We have managed to arrange things so that we can maximize the time we have with our kids, but it still means we need to work full time. It is all a balance, anyway.

While I think the concept of "quality time" is a little simplistic, I think that parenting is much more than quantity of hours. Or my personal mantra right now goes "If mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy."

[canadianchick]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

It does offend me. It makes me feel like I didn't want to raise my kids, so I work and pawn them off on someone who does.

In reality, I have to work, so I found someone who will take wonderful care of my kids while I do that and teach them lots of things that I couldn't.

Couldn't have said it better myself. We are getting to the point where dd does not need to go to daycare after school but her dcp is so wonderful and has been such a huge support to both her and I through some rough times in our lives that we are saddened at the thought of not seeing her as often.

And I feel my dd is a more rounded person due to the fact that she was exposed to all kinds of people and wonderful experiences early on.

[savithny]

Originally Posted by henhao

I've known several men who were scared to take care of the baby and thought the woman knew more. DH was like that. Finally, I told him I had no idea what I was doing, and I was faking it 'til I made it. I had to tell him that a few times, and he gradually gained more confidence.

We are definitely co-parents all the way. Sometimes, it surprises people that DH changes diapers and so on, which amazes me. It's 2008, folks!

Oh, women do complain that men don't help. Well, one reason this is often so is because women often think men should be mind readers. I used to be one of these women. Now, I -- gasp! -- ask my DH to do something and he -- gasp! -- often does it. He can't know I need help unless I ask.

One of the best things I think I did, as far as DH and fatherhood goes, is go back to work 20 hours/week at 16 weeks. We negotiated for DH to stay home in the mornings and he went in from noon-9. So for DS's first year of life, DH was Primary Parent every weekday morning. He wasn't babysitting, he didn't have me to rescue him. And he and DS figured it out together. DS didn't lose any attachment to me and he gained a huge, huge, attachment to his daddy. Without me mediating, DH found his way, and became incredibly comfortable with the day-to-day of parenting and baby care, not just the "i'll bounce baby on my knee while you do the dishes" but really in-the-trenches stuff.

Sadly, DH's boss was the kind of guy who believed in "face time" over quality work, so even though DH was putting in plenty of lab time, he got the message that he wasn't considered dedicated enough, so we had to end that arrangement at about 15 months, and DD missed the Mornings with Daddy regime, but still benefitted from the fact that DH had learned to get in there and *parent*.

I know there are plenty of involved dads who didn't do it our way -- but in our case, I know that time alone with DS really is what made DH take the step and gain the confidence he did.

[_betsy_]

Complete strangers have said this to me. While I'm slinging the baby at the grocery store, leisurely taking my time picking out produce, in the middle of the day.

Yes, I work full time, out of the home. So does my DH. But we have an arrangement that works for us. He works days, I work nights, DD goes to MIL's for a couple hours twice a week when our schedules don't mesh.

"This works for us. The same people who would be in her life if I stayed home FT are the same people who are in her life even though I don't." Even to that, some woman "You poor dear"ed me.

[Belleweather]

Makes me livid.

And honestly, I don't understand why any SAHM would even say that... doesn't it kind of degrade the work they do to, buy presuming that it could be replaced by a paid caregiver or that the only work that constitutes parenting takes place from 9-5 and none of the other stuff we do as parents matters.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by DariusMom

I try to redirect these comments in a positive way (something I learned on MDC!) and respond with, "Yes, we're so lucky to have so many positive influences in DS's life".

This exactly.

Originally Posted by turtlewomyn

I find it offensive as well. I raise my child, daycare is hired help that watches her for me when I have to work. She is instilled with my values, not theirs.

I disagree. I think she is being exposed to values at home and at daycare. Those may be the same values or they may be different. I certainly agree that you have the primary and lifelong relationship with her, although I hope that the people I've trusted to be part-time caregivers for my dd3 would also be signing the guest book at her wedding.

Originally Posted by FireFrog

I still must point out that a caregiver is most certainly teaching a value/moral system.

So, although I agree that this phrase is being used inappropriately most of the time, I do think that there is some truth to it. The key here is to ask ourselves if this is really such a bad thing? I like how others have pointed out that having many loving people in their child's life is a GREAT thing. I agree.

I think that it is sad that people use this phrase as a weapon -- parenting is hard enough without such negativity.

I agree with this point of view.

I have seen this from both sides. I was a full time (11 hours per day Monday through Friday) nanny, starting when their child (dp refers to him as my firstborn) was six months old. For almost five years. I absolutely believe that I had a hearty hand in raising him during that time.

Then I got pregnant and gave notice at my job. Proceeded to SAHM for a decade - having three girls in seven years.

Now I work from 10 til 4 each weekday, and dd3 is in preschool/daycare all during that time. They absolutely care for, love, nurture, share values with my child all during that time they have her. I'm not going to split hairs over who has what percentage of raising her. At this point in time, they are helping us raise her. I don't find that offensive in the least - but I also feel no guilt in being at work.

I think it is offensive if said with the intent to be negative. I think it takes a village, and am so glad that my kids have many loving adults in their lives who all contribute to their "raising".

[tootaloo78]

I completely understand why it would be offensive if a SAHM (or anyone else for that matter) said to a WOHM that they aren't raising their own kids, but I don't think that when the phrase is used that it is always meant as an insult to those who leave their kids with daycare providers. I was a WOHM when my son was very small, I left him with my mom and I truly did feel that she was doing most of the raising because I had so little time for him. I have had many people ask me why I quit my job and have been guilty of stating "Because we wanted to raise him ourselves." I had no intention at all of slamming other moms because my thoughts were restricted to our personal situation. My DH and I weren't satisfied with our son being cared for my someone other than ourselves so we changed our situation (he makes more, so I stayed home) but when I have made that statement I was not trying to offend anyone. I guess it's all in the way it's said.

[Gremco]

I just find it funny that when a SAHM sends her kids to school, she is not accused of letting someone else raise her kids. If a WOHM sends her kids to daycare or a sitter, even if its only for a few hours, she somehow is no longer in charge of the children's upbringing. Does this imply that all "raising" is finished by the time they are five?

[EVC]

Originally Posted by Gremco

I just find it funny that when a SAHM sends her kids to school, she is not accused of letting someone else raise her kids.

: I was just going to say the same thing

Interestingly, in Russian, teachers of kindergarten and early elementary school are officially called by the title "vospitatelnitsa" which basically means "woman who raises (children)" Somehow, no one is upset by this

[tootaloo78]

Originally Posted by Gremco

I just find it funny that when a SAHM sends her kids to school, she is not accused of letting someone else raise her kids. If a WOHM sends her kids to daycare or a sitter, even if its only for a few hours, she somehow is no longer in charge of the children's upbringing. Does this imply that all "raising" is finished by the time they are five?

Truthfully, I am a little uncomfortable with turning my son's education over to people that I don't know well, so we are considering whether or not homeschooling would be a good fit for our family. I didn't feel that I was raising my son when my mom was watching him and if for some reason he had to go directly from school to her home everyday instead of coming home to us, I would likely feel that I wasn't doing the majority of the raising. I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I can't seem to get past it. I do sometimes wish I could lighten up a bit though.:

[EVC]

I have had many people ask me why I quit my job and have been guilty of stating "Because we wanted to raise him ourselves." I had no intention at all of slamming other moms because my thoughts were restricted to our personal situation.

I realize that you do not mean to be offensive, but I hope that you can understand that what some people may believe you are implying by this statement, is that THEY then are NOT raising their own kids. I'm sure you can appreciate why that would be insulting to some parents who do use daycare and who send their kids to school.

Personally, I am in the "it takes a village" camp. I consider my dd's dcp a PARTNER, not a competitor or a replacement to my parenting. She is not raising my dd, but she is certainly participating in raising her. And I'm not threatened by that. She is a wonderful, positive influence in my dd's life and has taught her many things. She truly cares about my dd and dd adores her. She and I communicate daily, often at length, about dd's development, behavior, activities, mood. She is really a wonderful asset and I am so glad she is in dd's (and my) life.

I can honestly say that I AM raising my daughter. As is dh. As is dcp. We are all part of team--and I think it's fabulous that dd has a whole TEAM of people in her corner, cheering her on, and picking her up when she falls. She is a lucky girl to have that much love in her life

I hate the "because we wanted to raise him ourselves" line because it seems to imply that only ONE person can be raising a child at any given time and, by using daycare, I have enturely handed that responsibility over to someone else. Like it is either dcp raising her OR its me raising her and it can't be both ways. Nothing could be further from the truth, imo.

I am raising dd myself, I am just not raising her BY myself.

[tootaloo78]

Of course I realize that some moms might be sensitive to that comment, even though it is in reference to my personal situation, so if the individual asking was a working mom I would take care not to phrase it that way. The people who have questioned me have been family and friends who were surprised by my decision to leave my job. For us, that truly was the main reason for leaving my job and when DH and I discussed my becoming a SAHM that was the dialogue we used. When asked about it I have sometimes phrased it in that way without giving a second thought to who might be offended by the words I chose.

I realize that a parent at home isn't the best choice for all families and would never imply that it is the only way to "raise a child". I have no idea what the best way to raise a child is, I am simply flying by the seat of my pants and hoping that everything turns out ok, lol! My point was simply that if the comment is used it isn't always meant to offend, sometimes it really is just a thoughtless comment by another frazzled mommy!

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by EVC

We are all part of team--and I think it's fabulous that dd has a whole TEAM of people in her corner, cheering her on, and picking her up when she falls.

Just as an interesting aside, studies of children show they thrive best with more people who care about their well-being. These people include friends, church members, community members, etc. I know *for me* (but I suspect it is true of others as well), I am the first generation of mother in my family to face this dilemma (and do so only because of my location). My entire extended family raised me. While my mother was the primary person making decisions for me, aunts, uncles, grandparents, heck - even close family friends, all spent a lot of time nurturing me. The memories I have of childhood and some of most valuable lessons I learned are from people who aren't my parents. I would imagine many families existed that way until fairly recently as people have become more mobile.

[EVC]

My point was simply that if the comment is used it isn't always meant to offend, sometimes it really is just a thoughtless comment by another frazzled mommy!

Point well taken

And think we ALL (both SAHMs and WOHMs) are sick of the "mommy wars" and the ridiculous rift it has caused between us. At the end of the day, most parents are just trying to do right by their kids and do NOT deserve the judgment and sanctimonious platitudes that are flung against them. Again, this goes for both SAHMs and WOHMs, both of whom often face unfair criticism, imo (the line about "wasted education" comes to mind and makes me cringe just as much as the "raising my own children" line).

[woobysma]

Maybe a response alone the lines of "my former schedule wasn't working for me & I needed to change some things" would be better than the "I wanted to raise my own kid" line? When I switched to PT, that's how I phrased it.

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by EVC

And think we ALL (both SAHMs and WOHMs) are sick of the "mommy wars" and the ridiculous rift it has caused between us. At the end of the day, most parents are just trying to do right by their kids and do NOT deserve the judgment and sanctimonious platitudes that are flung against them. Again, this goes for both SAHMs and WOHMs, both of whom often face unfair criticism, imo (the line about "wasted education" comes to mind and makes me cringe just as much as the "raising my own children" line).

[Michelle Renee]

For me, I have in my head said that yes my Nanny is raising my daughter - as is my mother and my husbands mother. And I also say in my head -it takes a village to raise a child.

Its saturday, 6:26 pm and I am at panera bread writing a case study on a learning disabled 6 th grader for my master's degree. Her daddy is at work reinstalling servers and Violet (20 months old) is at my moms house playing, being loved on and is just fine. If it wasn't my moms house - it would be his moms or our nanny would be at our house.

Sometimes I have a series of days where between grading papers, lesson planning, graduate school and being just plain tired expecting her sister - I am unable to have my daughter with me and she must be with a care giver.

It doesnt bother me because I am out kicking @ss for my family and making a huge contribution to our families success.

I chose my caregivers with this in mind.

*time for more coffee