Who is "raising" your child- terminology that matters - Page 5

[Potty Diva]

Originally Posted by mowilli3

My MIL says "You raise chickens and rear a child."

raise and rear have the same definitions. it depends on the region you are in and neither is right or wrong.

I prefer "parenting."

[mowilli3]

But at the end of the day I really do want to give my son the world, not just my narrow world.

I understand what you are saying, and I think that's right. That's the reason that I think it's ok for them to go to daycare and for me to work. I agree that if I were the only influence, I might teach them prejudices or maybe shelter them too much. It really is a fine line, and you provide a nice example of where different values are enriching.

[mowilli3]

Originally Posted by namellea

This is a wonderful discussion.

But as she gets older, and her interactions with others becomes more sophisticated, I love that she will be exposed to different ideas. I cringe that some of those ideas might be messages that I dislike, or find harmful, or hurtful, or negative. I guess my hope is that she and I are still bonded and engaged and talking so that I get to have my say about those things as well, encouraging her to have a critical compass for the messages she hears. I know that means she will, eventually, gain a critical compass for the messages I share with her, too, which is scary, but part of having a child grow up to be an independent intelligent adult.

Something about what you wrote made me feel really excited about my DC growing up. After I posted about our experience with the racist language yesterday, I started feeling like I wanted to take them home and lock the door forever. I just love them so much. But I know that we are securely attached, and I know that by showing them that Dh and I love them, we will be bonded as they get older. That's something that people who question the use of daycare can't understand or choose to ignore. The parent-child bond is unbreakable, I think.

[Kama82]

I really hate it when people say that. I also really hate it when people say "Oh I was fortunate enough to have a mother that stayed home with me" or "I guess I am just lucky that I get to stay home with my kids". As if that situation is automatically the superior one and that what I am doing as a student and eventually work out of home parent has no value and that I am only doing it because I am "forced" into the situation.
It is sad when one person decides they have the right to decide what situation is the best for every child every parent and every situation and that no one has anything to offer their children but them. It especially irks me if I talk about a problem I have with daycare and I get that response, as if I should just change my life and take her out of daycare because of some minor problem, as if stay at home moms don't have problems too.

[Azuralea]

I don't mind it when people say, in reference to only their own situation, that they are so lucky to stay home. In fact, I like it. I think that's great that they have a good, positive attitude about their life choices. The world needs parents like that even though we have made different choices.

I don't like it when that turns into false pity for people with different situations, though. It would be like me saying that all families should have two WOH parents because that's best, but sadly not everybody can commit to that or whatever. Totally obnoxious.

[woobysma]

:

I love happy, self-aware people! I don't care much about what you're doing, but if you've given it a lot of thought and it brings joy to your life and your family, then more power to ya!

It's the ones who have martyred themselves and whine about everyone else who hasn't or has chosen to martyr themselves in different ways that leave me all :

go take a walk in the woods with your kid and pick flowers and listen to the birds and leave me alone already

[becoming]

No one has ever said this directly to me, and the first person who does will wish they hadn't.

[Kama82]

I should clarify what I meant because maybe it came out sounding different than how I meant it.
I am glad when people are happy with their decisions, whatever they may be, there is no one size fits all answer. What I hate is when people give me "that" look, and say in a very condescending tone, "Oh I am just so lucky *I* got to stay home with *MY* kids, *I* could never do what *your* doing. As if what I am doing is inferior to what they are doing, its just their polite disguised way of saying "Wow I can't believe you leave your kid with another person".
Now if a person were to say "I am a stay at home mom and I love it! I am so lucky to get to stay home with my kids!" that would be totally different! It would be great!
It is totally dependant on tone and context.
To further clarify a specific situation I am thinking of is once in one of my classes someone was asking me about myself. After she found out that I had a daughter, who was in daycare she said. "Oh wow, that is too bad. I am just so lucky my mom chose to stay home with me." She went on and on and on on that note.

[Azuralea]

Originally Posted by Kama82

I should clarify what I meant because maybe it came out sounding different than how I meant it.
I am glad when people are happy with their decisions, whatever they may be, there is no one size fits all answer. What I hate is when people give me "that" look, and say in a very condescending tone, "Oh I am just so lucky *I* got to stay home with *MY* kids, *I* could never do what *your* doing. As if what I am doing is inferior to what they are doing, its just their polite disguised way of saying "Wow I can't believe you leave your kid with another person".

Oh yes, in that context it's very rude. I agree.

Originally Posted by Kama82

To further clarify a specific situation I am thinking of is once in one of my classes someone was asking me about myself. After she found out that I had a daughter, who was in daycare she said. "Oh wow, that is too bad. I am just so lucky my mom chose to stay home with me." She went on and on and on on that note.

Having a SAHM didn't teach her much in the way of manners, did it?

[henhao]

Originally Posted by Kama82

I am glad when people are happy with their decisions, whatever they may be, there is no one size fits all answer. What I hate is when people give me "that" look, and say in a very condescending tone, "Oh I am just so lucky *I* got to stay home with *MY* kids, *I* could never do what *your* doing. As if what I am doing is inferior to what they are doing, its just their polite disguised way of saying "Wow I can't believe you leave your kid with another person"..

I am so glad this thread got started!

I am SO TIRED of people on this board and elsewhere expressing rude thoughts about my working.

On the same topic, I am guilty of making "oh-poor-me" comments about working. I've stopped that and am happy to be providing for my family and working a schedule that allows me time with DD. Plus, DD loves her sitter. I'd get in trouble with DD if I stayed with her full time since she now knows there are lots of other fun people out there.

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by henhao

I'd get in trouble with DD if I stayed with her full time since she now knows there are lots of other fun people out there.

LOL - me too! I actually asked the kids when I was thinking about whether or not I was going to sahm ft or just woh pt & both of them wanted to keep going to school.
DS1 definitely doesn't want to be home-schooled, even though I think it would be fun. He's in 4th grade and starting to really get into the social aspect of school. DS2 is 3 and asks to go to school to see his friends 2-3 days a week when we're home for extended periods of time.

So my current 3day/week schedule is actually preferable to both of them They'd be peeved if they had to hang out with me and me alone every day.

[mamasaurus]

Forgive me if a PP already said this...

But to me - someone else "raising my child" means that I must have GIVEN THEM UP FOR ADOPTION!!! :



I now have added this to my responses:

Person: Oh, you have a nanny. I would never want anyone else raising my child.

Me: Oh, yeah! Neither would I - otherwise I just would have given them up for adoption! (said very nicely and sincerely and without a trace of sarcasm...)

[Ana_Isabel]

Don't know if someone already said this:

By that logic, all school attending children are being raised by their teachers.

[rutabega]

Ana, there are those that would agree with you on that point and tell you that is why they homeschool.

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by Ana_Isabel

Don't know if someone already said this:

By that logic, all school attending children are being raised by their teachers.

Yep... and by the same logic, I have a more intimate relationship with the receptionist at work than I do with DP... or I'm closer to my hairdresser (who I see 3 times a year) than I am to my sister who lives across the country and visits once a year.... it's all stupid, imo.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by Ana_Isabel

Don't know if someone already said this:

By that logic, all school attending children are being raised by their teachers.

I was going to bring that up. FTR my kids do go to school.

[siobhang]

Originally Posted by woobysma

Yep... and by the same logic, I have a more intimate relationship with the receptionist at work than I do with DP... or I'm closer to my hairdresser (who I see 3 times a year) than I am to my sister who lives across the country and visits once a year.... it's all stupid, imo.

true dat.

A friend of mine, when faced with "how could you face putting your kids in daycare!!!" deadpanned, "because boarding schools won't take kids under age 8."

[alisonh916]

What a great thread! truthfully I would love to stay home at least part-time with ds, and do have some admitted jealousy of SAHM's. However there is a part of me that does enjoy the work I do, and it is also necessary financialy for our household to be two income right now. With that said I find it amazingly offensive that someone would suggest that someone else is raising my child! I am and always will be his mom and DH will be his dad. no one replaces us! But others do have a role in caring for and loving him. I find peace with the idea that there is an extension beyond our immediate family of people who love him that includes his daycare caregivers.

[woobysma]

Originally Posted by siobhang

"because boarding schools won't take kids under age 8."

Plus, if they're at boarding school, they can't be home and do chores in the evening ..... and "what's the point in having a dwarf if he doesn't do chores?"

[skybluepink02]

I'm a nanny and I watch two little boys 10 hours a day. I like to think that I'm helping to raise them. Of course I'm not raising them completely, nor do I in any way think that I take the place of Mommy or Daddy, but they are attatched to me, to their mom, their dad, ect. It's a bit unreasonable to think that the person that they spend most of their waking hours with has no affect on their value system or moral code. This is why it's so, so important to interview your nannies and care providers about their basic beliefs and philosophies. It's nearly impossible for you own moral code not to make an impression on other people that you spend lots of time with, toddlers included, even if you never mention what your beliefs are.