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wife wants to cut!- PLEASE HELP!!!

post #1 of 60
Thread Starter 
Hey all... I'M GONNA BE A DADDY! First post. Apparently we have the opposite problem everyone else has: I don't wanna circ and she does!!!

Background...A couple of years ago after seeing a commercial for a prosthetic foreskin I realized there must be a purpose for the prepuce. So I researched it and was surprised to find a large anti-circ movement on the web.

After lots of reading and video watching I came to the same conclusion I feel anyone who examines the issue rationally and reasonably must... That its a horrible, barbaric thing to do to a person without their consent and this would NEVER be done to my son and maybe I could change some other minds, too.

Well now we're pregnant and it may be a boy, so of course we've been "discussing" it, which has been pretty stressful for the both of us. I think I've convinced her there's no medical reason, but she still wants to do it.

Her main thing is that she really thinks its "gross", her friends think its gross, shes never been around a natural one, and is worried his girlfriends will think its gross.

I've tried to counter with "its much more common now than it used to be". But shes not buying it. Her friend works at a daycare and she says only one is natural. I've never been one to assume that just because most sheople do something, its the right thing to do. But she kinda is.

Shes seen the vids, the pics, the facts. Even the Penn and Teller. And she still wants to cut. I am hoping for a boy, but this issue is ruining what should be a really special time for us.

She'll be reading this, so PLEASE help me save my baby boy! (if we ever have one)
post #2 of 60
Perhaps ask her: "Would you want our son to be with a girl that was so shallow she would dump him because the head of his penis is not showing?"

YOu can do this, daddy! Here are some more articles I like to show:



Also, maybe try a risk argument? How would she feel if she subjected her son to surgery because of some hypothetical future girlfriend and ended up causing him:

-buried penis
-trapped penis
-webbed penis
-excessive bleeding
-meatal stenosis
-glan amputation or injury
post #3 of 60
You have the penis so you should make the decision

( A lot of women say they circ'ed because they left the decision up to their SO since they have the penis *eye roll*)

Tell her you are not going to put your son at risk of (worse case senerio) death, just because you (your wife) think its gross, tell her you think the female foreskin ( clitoral hood) is gross and if it's a girl you want to get her cricumcised, and if she protest's that its not the same, tell her why not?? its cleaner, and healthier, and less chance of infection, not to mention it is gross to have a clitoral hood.

Make sure and let her know the extreme pain is involved in a circumcision and that they use little to no anestisia during the procedure. i know most women (witheven a little bit of a soul) will not put there newborn baby in harms way if they know the fact's.

Keep up the good work, if you need us, you know where to find us :-)

Good luck and a happy and healthy pregnancy and delivery :-)
post #4 of 60
Show her the story of the woman on here whose son has had all these problems and future operations because of complications to a routine circumcision that was done by a well respected accredited doctor at that hospital. There is no reason to exclude the possibility of that happening to your future child if he is circumcised. Tell her to keep that in mind.

This may be a bit harsh, but I think it needs to be said. She needs to remember that her baby's foreskin is a part of her baby as much as other part. Being disgusted by that part is like saying she is disgusted with her baby, so much so she wants him to be surgically altered. Tell her that, that is what the male body is. Thats just reality, and if she has a problem with the natural male body, the problem is not in the baby, but the problem that needs to be fixed is her feelings.

She has all the facts here, the problem is she needs to change her point of view. You need to sit down and try and give her some perspective on this issue. Ask her questions like, if there is any other part of the body she would cut off so other people would feel more comfortable with his body? If not why?

On a side note, I am a guy too (all be it, a younger one, 18 so I dont deal with the kid issue yet) so I know how much more difficult this issue to talk to others about because everything gets much more complex. Whats funny to me is before I came to this site I did not know there were any woman involved in this issue.
post #5 of 60
The foreskin is there for a reason. If a baby is born without one it is considered a birth defect.

The foreskin helps stimulate the g spot along with like a 100 other things it has a real purpose and it is wrong to remove it especially because she dosnt like the way it looks.

After all she will only be seeing that part of him for a few short years and she will not be the one having sexual contact with it later in life so leave it up to the boy to decide if he wants it done. After all it dosnt hurt nearly as much when they are grown since they are under general and there is no ripping off the foreskin from the glans like a finger nail from a finger and he can actually get pain meds and no pee and poo on it all day.

I hate to say it but that is just so shallow to care what others think about your child genitals. Will she be showing it to them all the time or what??
post #6 of 60
Congratulations on the babe on the way! There is a ton of info on this site that is very compelling, as well as all the other stuff you've read online. Has she read the same articles you've read? I wish you all the best in your attempt at changing her mind before your little one arrives. I think that women of our generation sometimes have a difficult time because most of the men of our generation were routinely circed. I don't imagine that girls your son's age will have the same bias. In fact based on most stats that I've seen, circumcised boys will actually be the minority. It's only since having an intact boy that I've started wondering what it would be like if my partner hadn't been circed at birth and greiving the pain he endured as an infant.
post #7 of 60
Oh man, it is so not gross! I don't have a long list of ex-lovers, but I was with one intact male and it was different but in a good way. Nothing gross about it at all. We are not used to seeing intact penises so they do seem a bit odd at first but you get used to it and then they look just fine.

My younger two sons are intact, as I didn't know any better with my first, and the number of baby boys being left uncut is something around 50% these days, so future girlfriends for your babe are quite likely to take intact penises as pretty par for the course. In contrast to your wife's friend's daycare experience, I have many, many friends who have boys and almost none of them are circumsized who are 12 or younger. Within the past 6 years I have not changed a circumsized boy and I babysit freely, for free!

Good Luck!
post #8 of 60
The current statistics say that nearly half the boys born now are intact and the number of circed is dropping yearly. So before to much longer circ will be the minority.

Circ is penis reduction surgery any circed man has a smaller penis than he should have that is sad but true. After all when you remove something it dosnt get bigger right?

I am having a really hard time understanding how a mom with all the information you have given her can sit back and say oh well gonna hurt him any way. Our job as parents is to protect our kids not hurt them.
post #9 of 60
I know it seems gross. I thought that way too. But when I circ'd my son; it was because I thought (and was led to believe) that it would benefit him medically. I wouldn't have done it otherwise. A couple years later, I learned that I was lied to and mislead. I'm angry and sad. I wish someone had given me just ONE little flicker in the lightbulb over my head. It's the single biggest regret of my entire life.

When my son (who is 4 years old) complains that his penis hurts; it scares the sh*t out of me. I will worry about complications well past his teen years.

I should also mention that my past partners were all cut; and after DS was born, my partner was not. I thought uncut was gross until I realized that it's really not that different in appearance when aroused. And the times in between sex, those times were up to him to deal with; and he didn't think he was gross because it was normal to him.

Really THINK about what you're doing. You're removing vital skin. (If you don't know how it's vital, look it up) If someone told you five fingers is gross and you should have baby's pinky removed, would you? It's not like he'll remember it later, right? There's so much thinking and reading you have to do...don't fail your son like I did.
post #10 of 60
tell her that if your son decides to live in Europe or in a developped country other than the USA, many more women would be weirded out by it.
Anyways, this is a shallow argument. How would she feel if you had a daughter and men would reject her because the size of her breasts? Would she say there is something wrong with her???
post #11 of 60
I have a few word documents that may help. They are from an infamous pro-circ site but take the stance that INFANT circ is bad. Private message me your email address and I will be happy to send them.
I also have a document explaining what male circ would entail on a female (the literal pieces removed)...

If she had a baby girl with a floppy vulva, would she have it cut at birth, without proper anasthetic and pain relief to make it look prettier? Not to mention feces and urine working into an open wound... Can you get her to read the "Graphic Circ Video" thread with the transcript? I think reading it is so impacting because it is very raw emotionally... and the father goes along with the doctor because the doctor is the "authority figure" and implies there is no pain (no anesthetic, the baby felt it ALL)...

Daddy. You also have the legal right to protect your son by saying, no, his body will be left alone. Circ cannot be undone, no matter how well a man restores. One day, your child will ask her why it was done to him, and the answer "I thought it was best" is not going to fly with his generation. Too many people have access to the knowledge about circ that our parents were denied.

eta-- the video by Lou on the front page here is very well done, and shows really how... nice... and... complete an intact penis really looks. The more you look at pictures of intact penises, the more a circ'ed penis just looks... naked and scarred. A few months ago, a circ'ed penis looked "normal" to me, now, I really notice the scars and see it more as "damaged"... and I had intact brothers-- so I am one of the few in my area to even see an intact penis!
post #12 of 60
Good for you for questioning things! You are a great daddy!
post #13 of 60
So not gross, all my partners have been intact (but then I am from the UK and think that circumcised penises look weird).

She may think its gross but surely it is up to your potential boy child to decide and really, I really doubt your wife is going to be entering into a sexual relationship with him so why is she so bothered about it?

When I met DH, I used to think all vegetables were gross, he always countered me with 'how can you think its gross when you have never even tried one'? I learnt to acceept that vegetables are not gross, they are normal part of your healthy diet and in fact have an important role to play in our overall health. I still don't like vegetables (due to previous bad vegetable experiences), but I sure as hell wouldn't inflict my feelings about vegetables onto my children (who are infact vegetarian and adore their vegetables), I hope you can kinda see what I am trying to say? I guess really I am babbling like an insane gin woman so I shall stop here.......
post #14 of 60
And congratulations!!!!!!!
post #15 of 60
Originally Posted by carriebft View Post
Perhaps ask her: "Would you want our son to be with a girl that was so shallow she would dump him because the head of his penis is not showing?"

YOu can do this, daddy! Here are some more articles I like to show:



Also, maybe try a risk argument? How would she feel if she subjected her son to surgery because of some hypothetical future girlfriend and ended up causing him:

-buried penis
-trapped penis
-webbed penis
-excessive bleeding
-meatal stenosis
-glan amputation or injury

I just wanted to say that I am pregnant with my first child, a boy and I have been struggling with the decision of whether or not to circ. My sister just recently had a boy and didn't, but all of my friends think it is weird not to and so it has caused some confusion in my mind. After reading these articles, I have made a solid decision NOT to circ. Thank you so much for posting that information.
post #16 of 60
Congrats on your upcoming baby, and welcome to MDC!
My husband is intact, and is also the first intact man I have been with. It is not gross. Funny story actually.......The first while I had no clue he was intact. It wasn't until I saw it in flaccid state that I knew. I have 3 intact sons. 2 with my Dh and 1 I fought to protect from his father (exH) I took my exH to court to stop a circ from happening. There was no way in h3ll I would let anyone near my babies. It makes me sick to think of. Try to get your wife to just imagine what it would be like.....to be born and be so peaceful nursing away, in pure bliss, then to be taken by a stranger, unwrapped, undressed, cold, and strapped to a cold hard board, with bright lights. To have the head of your penis ripped away from its foreskin, then to have that chopped off, then to be left to pee and poo all over a raw open wound. You get no pain relief, and you have no idea what just happened to you. You were just born, then tortured. Then it's treated like no big deal. I would never trust again. That would be an awful welcome to this world.Protect your baby, it is your job. It will be the most important thing you ever do. He will thank you.
post #17 of 60

I am male and intact. I have never had a woman kick me out of bed because of it. Women really don't care, despite what your wife's friends say.

I see from your profile that you live somewhere between Orlando and Tampa. I'm not sure, but I think Florida is one of the lower circumcision rate states. Florida Medicaid does not pay for circumcision. If you go to www.floridahealthstat.com and search for infant circumcision, you will find that there are very few circumcisions in Florida Hospitals. This doesn't mean that they don't happen, just that they don't happen often in the hospital. I couldn't find similar data for doctor's offices.

One family we know from day care is from Orlando. They had their son circumcised but they had a hard time finding a doctor to do it. If it is hard to find a doctor in Orlando that performs circumcisions, it is probably not very common there. I think the mother regrets doing it.

If your wife is worried about him being different, my family lives in Gainesville and my son is intact. That means that there will be at least one other boy in Florida that is like your (potential) son.
post #18 of 60
How many intact men has she been with, to conclude so definitively that it's "gross?" I've been with two. It's never put me off in the least

I have three girlfriends who have been with both intact and cut men. They have told me on several different occasions how lucky I am that my dh is intact and that they wish their dhs were intact as well. They have told me that I am not missing anything by not having been with a circumcised man. One told me that she doesn't even know what to do with a circumcised penis during foreplay because there's nothing to move around or "play" with.

So... that's what MY girlfriends have to say about intact penises.

The trend is definitely changing. Given that everyone I know who has been with both (we'd have to add one gay man to my list) prefers intact, and intact is becoming more and more common (only 24% circumcise in my state - WA - as of 2005, I believe), that leads me to believe that as more and more people sleep with intact men, more and more people will prefer intact men.

It seems slightly disturbing to me also that your wife wants to impose her OWN sexual preference on her infant son... think of how it would sound if a father wanted to cut his daughter's genitals because he thought the uncut vulva was "gross."

How does she know that his future girl (or boy) friends will prefer circumcised? If your son wants to be circumcised later in life then he can always get circumcised later on if he's left intact. He can never become "uncircumcised" later in life if he is already cut.

I know one man who chose to be circumcised later in life and, according to him, the procedure wasn't bad. He doesn't even remember it thanks to the general anesthesia! He had plenty of pain meds during the healing time afterwards. He chose to be circumcised and yet was grateful that his parents left the decision up to him.

Contrast the story above with several other friends I have who are circumcised, furious with their parents, and can't do anything about it. At least they can't do anything that wouldn't take many many years, much pain, and they wouldn't get back nearly as much as they lost.

It's infinitely better to be an intact man who wants to be circumcised than a circumcised man who wants to be intact. One can get what he wants. The other had the choice taken away from him before he could even give consent. The choice as to whether or not to cosmetically alter a person's genitals should belong to the person whose genitals they are.

I know that I am very grateful that my mother-in-law decided to stay out of my dh's and my sex life. Dh is extremely grateful! I have friends who wish desperately that their mothers-in-law had stayed out of their sex lives...

love and peace.
post #19 of 60
Re: " it's gross ".

For most American women, a belief that the foreskin is gross is all in their culturally-based imagination, rather than based on extensive (or even any) personal experience. Sounds like this is the case for your wife ("shes never been around a natural one"). I don't know how she could be so adamant that it's gross when she seems to know nothing about it, but if you feel the need to convince her, you might suggest she have a look at some photos of intact men available on the Internet. Not sure if we can post direct links here, but considering some of the other images we have on this sites, I figure it should be all right. There are some very tasteful sites (non-pornographic) of intact men that are anything but gross, indeed quite attractive, and very eye opening to say the least, for someone who has never seen an intact adult male before.


(There are entry pages at each link before you get to the pictures.)

Re: how women will feel about it, have her read this article on how circumcision affects sex from the woman's point of view, by renowned women's physician Dr. Christiane Northrup:

It can be challenging to consider not circumcising a son when all you've ever known is circumcision. It sounds like you know enough to know that this absolutely should not be done to your son, but your wife still hasn't gotten past feeling challenged by it, and is grasping as some very flimsy straws to try to argue for it. Just as we tell moms who come here whose husbands insist on circumcision - protect your son. At least you have plenty of time to gradually educate her. It is good you are getting informed now, and seeking support. We're here to help you every step of the way. Your son is depending on you.

Bravo! Gillian
post #20 of 60
Well tell her to me {hi there if you're reading } that the foreskin is an erogenous zone and to remove it is as foolish as removing any other erogenous zone.

And this is speaking as an intact man. It really, really is erogenous.

And it isn't gross, either.

As for girlfriends...Well, the rate is in the mid-50s {%} at the moment and plunging by the day, so if girls are going to start picking boys upon those grounds then they are going to be severely limiting their selection. Even then he will still be fine with anyone from Latino countries, where it never happens to healthy boys.

Same with: Europe. China. Lots of places.

So even if that were true {and it's not} he'd cope.
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