Spousal Support?

[riverundine]

I know I shouldn't "expect" any help/support from my dh when I'm dealing with this...especially because I'm frequently overreacting (I feel like it's just reacting) to something he does or doesn't do...but I really feel like I need more emotional support...and he feels like he has a chip on his shoulder that won't budge due to me...he doesn't like me when I'm depressed - as I can get mean with my mood swings...and I feel like he is there for me when I'm just fine but as soon as I need him the most is when his wall goes up...he says to protect himself from me getting too mean, but if I call him a name or get super frustrated with him it's because I feel that he's blowing me off, leaving me hanging, feeling completely alone and misunderstood, when he could grab me and hold me tight and make me feel loved. anyway, I know that's all not very clear - not feeling so much clarity right now - but how do I get him to understand that right now if I don't want to listen to him tell me all about the Pgh Penguins it's not justifiable to stop talking to me...I am not in the headspace to be able to listen to some crap about some random hockey player. Why is it okay for him to hold that against me right now when I really need love and support through this? That's one small thing...overall I just don't get why it's so difficult for me to get the support I need from my dh. Why can't he lose the chip on his shoulder to help his wife through this? What can I expect or should I expect from my dh, if anything?

[EviesMom]

I know what you mean! My dh is sometimes great and sometimes just a pain! He defends himself no matter what, even if he's clearly done something wrong; changes what time he's coming home, schedules trips last minute; and thinks saying "I'm here for you. I suport you and I love you." makes it true with few actions to back it up.

I'm currently debating two things I think may help:
couples therapy (which my therapist recommended)

basically trying to arrange my life as if he'll be working tons--more childcare, hire a house cleaner, serve dinner and do bedtime at a kid-friendly hour rather than an accomodate-dh's-work schedule and pretty much just count it a bonus when he happens to be here (and is not sick; he's finally around more this week so now he's caught a bad cold). I'll need him to put in extra $ from the extra hours he's working to pay childcare, but that may be what I need to do.

[riverundine]

thanks for the hugs.

i really don't want to be "dependent" on him when i'm an emotional wreck, and well, i can't be, but it just sure would be nice to have that support.

we're thinking it's time for counseling...since he doesn't think he can be nice when i'm freaking out and the meaner he gets the more i freak out.

what i don't "get" is that he says he's there for me. he asks what he can do. i tell him that when he sees, or i tell him, that i'm nearing the edge that if he just HELD me tight and didn't let go that i could calm down and all would be well very soon. he's managed this twice and it was all i needed. but he generally can't seem to pull it off. and i really DON'T want to be dependent on him to calm me down (especially since 95% of the time it doesn't happen) as nice and easy as that may be - so now the challenge is to find a GOOD counselor, i suppose.

[Bunnybee]

I just wanted to send you a hug b/c your situation sounds very similar to mine! *hug*

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by riverundine

I know I shouldn't "expect" any help/support from my dh when I'm dealing with this...especially because I'm frequently overreacting (I feel like it's just reacting) to something he does or doesn't do...but I really feel like I need more emotional support...and he feels like he has a chip on his shoulder that won't budge due to me...he doesn't like me when I'm depressed - as I can get mean with my mood swings...and I feel like he is there for me when I'm just fine but as soon as I need him the most is when his wall goes up...he says to protect himself from me getting too mean, but if I call him a name or get super frustrated with him it's because I feel that he's blowing me off, leaving me hanging, feeling completely alone and misunderstood, when he could grab me and hold me tight and make me feel loved. [...] What can I expect or should I expect from my dh, if anything?

I can soooo relate to what you're saying. In the year (or two) after dd1's birth, I had a LOT of problems with mood, freaking out at dh, being mean and sarcastic the more I felt he was withdrawing from me or when I felt like he wasn't supporting me when I was desperately suffering with depression and anxiety. In the end, I needed to get some extra help for myself (meds, counselling) in order to land on my feet. And then we had to talk about how my mood was affecting and stressing him.

What can you expect from dh? This is an interesting question. Perhaps some of your expectations comes from your history together. Have you traditionally been able to lean on him? Is his withdrawal more recent? I know you've had your third baby recently (hello Jan 08 ddc mama!) - does HE feel some extra stress and strain? That might affect his ability to support you, if he is feeling overtaxed himself.

My dh was always there for me and, I felt, understood and supported me emotionally more than anyone else. But after dd1 was born the huge adjustment, strain and stress were too much for both of us to bear for awhile. On top of everything else I had to mourn the change in our dynamic, the loss of my best friend's ear, etc. But looking back, I realize that it was not because he was trying to be mean or something, he was just really overwhelmed too. Because of the difficulty of those couple of years, it made me think about the fact that sometimes people we really love let us down. It's just part of life and part of being human. Human beings make mistakes. I don't know if any of this makes sense or resonates with you. Maybe not. Just thought I'd share some thoughts.

You've been on my mind lately Riverundine, because we were in the same ddc, and you've mentioned you have PPD. I had it with dd1 and it was one of the biggest challenges of my life. And I only had one kid. You have three right? If I remember correctly. I wonder how you're doing, how your coping.

Are you doing any self-care stuff? Do you have support (family, friends)? Are you on any supplements or meds? Have you ever had PPD before? If so, what helped? You can get through this.

[riverundine]

thanks, mamas, for the support.

dh has always withdrawn (for 15 years now) when i go into that headspace. he has a wall that goes up immediately. self-protection from hurtful words, according to him. according to me the hurtful words don't come until i feel totally alone and rejected.

he does feel stress and strain right now. we just opened a restaurant in december and he is the owner/head chef/front and back of house manager/accountant, 6 days and 15 meals a week. it's a small town and it's the slow season, so we can't afford any more help than we have right now. we are trying really hard to eek our way through winter until the tourists come to town. so yeah, he's got a lot of work stress, lack of sleep, and then a wife with ppd, a toddler, a brand new baby, a mortgage, heaps of debt...

i have 2 kids. ppd with dd1 was much more mild. probably had something to do with the fact that we lived at an ashram and i could meditate frequently. also a much less stressful pregnancy the first time.

self-care this time...prenatals, Bs, omegas, placenta caps...oiling my body after bathing for grounding...awesome healthy food cooked by dh many days of the week...rescue remedy...not really going out much (toooo cold for walks with babe, especially after the O2 and hospital stay)...would love to be able to afford some warm oil massages...looking into SAMe, progesterone, counselling...i'm really not comfortable talking about ppd with family and friends...time helped with dd1...i'm counting on springtime being a huge help this time...it was with dd1 and another long winter i can think of...distraction is always a help too...a friend came for the weekend and my little bro is on his way today and will be here for a week...

thanks again for the support.

[Surfacing]

Something that struck me, that you said earlier, was that sometimes all you want is a dang HUG. Maybe your dh needs the big flashing sign with lights and arrows, and needs you to say, "I feel crabby right now and I just need you to hug me for 1 minute!!!" YK?

I hope you enjoy your brother's company.

Must run right now. Thinking of you and sending healing energy :

[Surfacing]

Now that I have another minute, I thought I would also add that I hope some of these self-care things are helpful to you right now. Sometimes it helps only so much and you just have to ride through the rough patches. Things will be looking up though with some distraction coming, and hey, isn't it technically SPRING next month???

Placenta caps - neat. Have you done that before? How are you finding them now? Perhaps not quite giving the boost you need?

It strikes me that what you are saying you need is some CONNECTION with dh. That can come in many forms. He's busy and away at work a lot...do you have a chance to connect when he comes home?

[Surfacing]

How did things go with your brother visiting?

[riverundine]

it was super nice to see my brother. he left yesterday. it helped distract, definitely.
dh and i got in two fights while he was here. one was over the damn trash. there are 3 things i would like dh to help with, regularly, outside of his own work. they are trash, compost and recycling. he snapped the other night cuz the trash was overflowing. now that i'm healed from pregnancy and birth apparently i have to add this to my list of things to take care of. but he didn't tell me this. it's been his "job" for quite some time, but now (without me knowing in advance) it's apparently a slap in his face for him to come home to an overflowing trashcan. and it's a slap in the face that i didn't pick up the trash on the side porch that the dog got into, even though he put the bag out there instead of in the trash can (down the steps) cuz he was too tired to go all the way down there (knowing that the roommates dog get into trash if it's left out), and knowing i don't look out there so i would have never known. and it's a slap in the face if he comes home and there are any dirty dishes in the sink (which hasn't really happened but a couple of times since the baby was born and he went back to work). i'm super annoyed that he can be this insensitive.
and last night he came in here while i was on the ppd thread and demanded i click on my "spousal support?" thread so he could read through it. i knew that rereading everything would be a bit heavy for me right then so i asked him if he could just do it on his own time. this just made him mad and i wanted to reread with him so i could remember what i wrote in case he had anything to say about anything. instead he read it all, said absolutely nothing, and walked away.
he told me it's impossible for him to get the chip off of his shoulder .
i need support and it sucks that i can't lean on him.

[Surfacing]

A few days have passed since this incident. How are things now? Have you two talked any more about things?

[riverundine]

same as they've been my whole pregnancy and postpartum.
we either ignore the situation that has passed or go right back to the same place. so time helps us get back to the screwed up regularity. we both love each other but neither of us is really happy.
i called the counseler and am waiting for a call back.

[Surfacing]

I'm glad to hear you've got a call in to the counsellor. Have you guys gone before as a couple?

Perhaps in the meantime, you can get some support you need from other friends, MDC posts, etc. And I'm wondering if there's something dh CAN give you now, if not the kind of emotional support you need, then perhaps physically a hug for 20 seconds each night. YK? Sometimes you don't need to make huge changes, small ones can make a bit of a difference. This is not to minimize your relationship issues or your feelings, please understand. It just might help as a stopgap until you can get to therapy. Hoping for better times for you.

In the meantime, how's the PPD going?

[riverundine]

we have an appt for the 10th...with a little old man. we'll see how well he knows ppd, i suppose. not too many options in a town of 1400. i feel pretty good about it, so hopefully he'll be just what we need.
we went about 5 years ago, just 3 or 4 times i think. it was just what we needed at the time. neither of us particularly preferred the woman, but it gave us something to talk about when we left.
i can't ask him for anything right now. he's too stressed out. when i tell him i need a hug he gets pretty frustrated or it's pretty weak. but i'll think about it.
i know it sounds like he's not super loving, but he is actually very loving. he's just not emotionally supportive right now, as he backs waaaaaay off when i'm depressed and/or anxious.
ppd is so lame. i'm not a fan at all. i tried going to a potluck with friends tonight, but it's a new town and i don't have any super good friends yet, so just trying to have blah blah blah conversation wasn't working out so well for me. thank goodness i have a new baby as a good excuse to take off early. the party did start with a walk, which was very nice, although i ended up having to carry dd1 the whole way, a lot of uphill, and i haven't really held her for any length of time since my first trimester. i'm sore and pooped, but enjoyed the fresh air immensely. thank goodness the weather is getting nicer.

[Surfacing]

I hope that counsellor turns out to be helpful. And even if this "little old man" doesn't "know PPD" so much, perhaps he can still help you two see where you're both coming from and find some way to help you break down some of the walls between you.

I'm sorry you feel so unsupported right now.
Sounds like you have some hard transitions having moved, etc. I'm thinking of you, hoping things get better. Keep enjoying that fresh air!

[Hazelnut]

I'm sorry.

[Surfacing]

Here too. The past couple of days have been a reminder of this.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by riverundine

dh has always withdrawn (for 15 years now) when i go into that headspace.

What have you done in the past to cope when this occurs?

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Originally Posted by riverundine

i tried going to a potluck with friends tonight, but it's a new town and i don't have any super good friends yet, so just trying to have blah blah blah conversation wasn't working out so well for me. thank goodness i have a new baby as a good excuse to take off early. the party did start with a walk, which was very nice, although i ended up having to carry dd1 the whole way, a lot of uphill, and i haven't really held her for any length of time since my first trimester. i'm sore and pooped, but enjoyed the fresh air immensely. thank goodness the weather is getting nicer.

good job! thats a great start to feeling better, i know sometimes i feel like i really have to push myself to go anywhere escpecially an event like a potluck in a new town!

[riverundine]

in the past i've just pushed harder for what i'm needing, cried harder, pleaded more, gotten angry and hurt when he withdraws.
things have been okay the last couple of days.
counseling is tomorrow morning.