Spousal Support? - Page 2

[Surfacing]

Thinking of you today.... looking forward to an update when you have the chance...

[riverundine]

our counselor appt was for monday, which we had. i was worried about the fact that he was a little old man, but he is perfect. we both really like him. he promotes NVC and really talked to us about compassionate listening. our homework is to look into each others eyes for 5-10 minutes.
the day before (sunday night) dh surprised me. he told me there was a guy in town who wanted to talk to me about pancha karma (an ayurvedic detoxification i do). i was resisting cuz i'm taking time off from practicing, but he insisted i come just talk to him. he picked me up and took me to his hotel across the street from our restaurant. turns out it was our room, complete with a hot pizza on the bed, chilling champagne, chocolate cake, and beautiful flowers. i had been mentioning that we needed time with each other. something finally clicked (after months and months). he said he'd realized it'd been forever since he'd done anything romantic and he marched straight over to the hotel and got us the best room. he's been trying and, as much as i want to be balanced on my own and not need him to lean on, his more compassionate nature this week has really helped my emotional state. it's been really nice. so i'm riding the wave.
thanks for asking!

[Surfacing]

I'm so glad to hear the counsellor suits you both and that you like his style. Yay! I'm also glad to hear that your dh made that little romantic gesture and the two of you are reconnecting some. Yay! Yay for the upswing!

[riverundine]

thanks.
wave crashed.
he said today on the phone, "so what are we going to tell t (counselor) we did all week? work?" yep. pretty much. he worked every day all day. we didn't have 5 minutes together until today, and i'm so not in the mood for him right now. i'm super sad. i told him there was plenty to talk about. he was like, "what?" so i calmly told him that we could talk about how i don't trust him. it's about him smoking, which has been an ongoing thing since we started to reproduce. well, when we went to counseling years ago it was because i couldn't stop nagging him about it. she convinced me to leave him alone, which was fine except he had to quit if he wanted to bear children with me. since then it's been a pack of lies. i actually believed he was a non-smoker for laurel's whole first 2 years. then it caught up with him...the gas station guy told me steve ought to quit. so he went to a hypnotist, twice, and we left for CO from CA with him as a supposed non-smoker. after the hypnotist the first time didn't work he was honest (upon prodding) and went again. then i don't know. i really can't trust him with this topic. and today i was cleaning up the yard after the melt and found some butts. we have friends and a roommate who smoke, but no one who rips the butts off like he does. and a friend slipped up, perhaps, and mentioned something about our husbands who smoke. when i, calmly, mentioned these 2 things as things i'd like to talk about with t, well basically all he said was that i'm now ruining his day off (first of all is it considered a day off when you work 7-4:30?). i'm always ruining his day off when i bring up something less than pleasant if he's not at work. and when he is he can't talk either. and when he gets home he passes out from exhaustion. but i never got angry, just sad. he still claims he's not smoking. and i still can't trust him. btw - it's a big concern of mine since he smoke(s/d) camel non-filtered since he was 15. he's now 35. both of his grandfathers smoked the same. one died at 45 and one died at 54. i didn't want to reproduce with him because i didn't want to have to worry about the consequences of him smoking and not being there for the long haul. i know it's his personal choice, but not anymore - he's now brought other people into his reality that he has a responsibility for and to. and and and he's started to drink quite a bit more since the stress of opening our own restaurant. he always told me to tell him if i ever was worried about his drinking because all the men (and some women) in his life have been alcoholics. when i mentioned this to him he told me to not mention it again because he's stressed and is going to drink whatever he wants. now pair this with how he only wants me to talk to him about issues whenever he gets home from work and there's already a 6 pack and some vodka in him. perfect timing.

[Surfacing]

Dammit. That up didn't last very long, did it?
Okay, so here's evidence that there was no quick fix bandaid. (Not suggesting you ever thought there would be!!!) You know, I think if the counsellor sees/hears reality, that dh is working all the time and you can't connect with dh, there's issues with drinking and smoking, etc. it will give him some insight into the real dynamics at work here. I hear you on the empty promises--so frustrating, esp. when it's being going on for years. Yep, reality looks like this, right? No easy answers, ongoing frustrations, and tying a knot to hang on.

Sending some positive vibes for your sanity and health.... ~*~*~*~*

[Surfacing]

So what's going on River? How're things?

[riverundine]

breaking down, building up, breaking down, building up...
after the counselor meeting about smoking we argued all day...then i gave up.
all week was fine, then the day before our next counselor meeting it all went to hell in a handbasket once again. the counselor totally pissed me off the next day. he says things like, "i don't know if i see any hope for the two of you." what kind of crap is that? we've been together, in love, for 15 years. we're seeing him because we know we need help communicating. we know we love each other and we're both fully committed to working through the madness times. i don't know what it is that makes him think that if we can't "fix" our problems that have been accumulating over the entire 15 years in a matter of 3 weeks that we're doomed. we don't feel that way at all. it's very frustrating and confusing. thankfully, we both know better.
he also believes i have a fear of intimacy and wants me to do some hypnotherapy. not sure what to think of this yet.
now i'm starting to see why i wanted to see a woman who is familiar with ppd. this old man really has no concept. everything in his reality can be fixed with just being present. i know this can be true, but that certainly doesn't help me when that's all he says all the time. and if i bring up all the overwhelm i'm experiencing right now he just says i have a victim mentality. i'm not looking to play the victim. i'm just saying that i'm overwhelmed right now. that's all. and he doesn't like the words "acknowledge" or "respect". we're going to see him a time or two more and see how we feel. dh likes him, which helps, but doesn't like the earlier stated comments he made, or the fact that he feels he over-simplifies things. we're also not sure he's ever pulled off a successful relationship himself.
after that appt i was super depressed - mainly because i was still upset that dh blew off my birthday that week (on top of our anniversary in january the day before faith was born, and valentines day), told me we'd celebrate after our appt, and then blew that off too. i was bummed, and then he just sat there telling me i was playing the victim while he proceeded to get really really wasted and mean.
he apologized profusely in the morning and we've been getting along spledidly all week. go figure. we've put off the counselor until next week, so we've got 2 weeks of time to find some balance. we're not really working on anything but living. i would like to spend some time with him, but there isn't any time to be had. btw, when i mentioned this to my counselor, that i think we need to spend some time together to stay connected, he said this wasn't important. that we could be present in our own lives and maintain connection. i'm not sure i agree with his perspective of things.