breaking down, building up, breaking down, building up...
after the counselor meeting about smoking we argued all day...then i gave up.
all week was fine, then the day before our next counselor meeting it all went to hell in a handbasket once again. the counselor totally pissed me off the next day. he says things like, "i don't know if i see any hope for the two of you." what kind of crap is that? we've been together, in love, for 15 years. we're seeing him because we know we need help communicating. we know we love each other and we're both fully committed to working through the madness times. i don't know what it is that makes him think that if we can't "fix" our problems that have been accumulating over the entire 15 years in a matter of 3 weeks that we're doomed. we don't feel that way at all. it's very frustrating and confusing. thankfully, we both know better.
he also believes i have a fear of intimacy and wants me to do some hypnotherapy. not sure what to think of this yet.
now i'm starting to see why i wanted to see a woman who is familiar with ppd. this old man really has no concept. everything in his reality can be fixed with just being present. i know this can be true, but that certainly doesn't help me when that's all he says all the time. and if i bring up all the overwhelm i'm experiencing right now he just says i have a victim mentality. i'm not looking to play the victim. i'm just saying that i'm overwhelmed right now. that's all. and he doesn't like the words "acknowledge" or "respect". we're going to see him a time or two more and see how we feel. dh likes him, which helps, but doesn't like the earlier stated comments he made, or the fact that he feels he over-simplifies things. we're also not sure he's ever pulled off a successful relationship himself.
after that appt i was super depressed - mainly because i was still upset that dh blew off my birthday that week (on top of our anniversary in january the day before faith was born, and valentines day), told me we'd celebrate after our appt, and then blew that off too. i was bummed, and then he just sat there telling me i was playing the victim while he proceeded to get really really wasted and mean.
he apologized profusely in the morning and we've been getting along spledidly all week. go figure. we've put off the counselor until next week, so we've got 2 weeks of time to find some balance. we're not really working on anything but living. i would like to spend some time with him, but there isn't any time to be had. btw, when i mentioned this to my counselor, that i think we need to spend some time together to stay connected, he said this wasn't important. that we could be present in our own lives and maintain connection. i'm not sure i agree with his perspective of things.