My mothers suggestion

[vermontgirl]

For a while my 18 month son was having a problem with temper tantrums. They were really serious screaming fits and I was too tired to properly deal with it. I would try to figure out what he needed and then ignore him if I felt that he was just screaming for the heck of it. (I am pregnant and exausted beyond belief)

Anyway, my mother suggested that I put a baby gate on his playroom and just put him in there every time he has a fit. Once he stops screaming, take him out. This way he can see me but he woudl know that I am not going to let him have screaming fits.

He is a lot better this week but I really did not like that approach. It felt wrong. What are your thoughts? I need something to back up why It felt wrong to me.

-Hannah

[fek&fuzz]

It seems like it would make him associate his playroom with punishment. And you are still "letting" him have a temper tantrum, you're just putting him in a different room while he does it.

Does he become destructive during his tantrums so that he needs to be in a safe place, or does he just tantrum in place? Couldn't you just assure him you are there for him, pat him, and then go about your business without putting him in the playroom? Isolating him might exacerbate the tantrum, but if he's having a fit and sees that you are just puttering about the kitchen or the living room, he might settle down faster.

[kennedy444]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

It seems like it would make him associate his playroom with punishment. And you are still "letting" him have a temper tantrum, you're just putting him in a different room while he does it.

Does he become destructive during his tantrums so that he needs to be in a safe place, or does he just tantrum in place? Couldn't you just assure him you are there for him, pat him, and then go about your business without putting him in the playroom? Isolating him might exacerbate the tantrum, but if he's having a fit and sees that you are just puttering about the kitchen or the living room, he might settle down faster.

I agree.
My first was a real screamer - all the way to age 3.5. I would let her have her tantrum but it was always around me. I would give her a hug, tell her how much I loved her, know that she was angry/fustrated, etc. and then just let her go at it. She was never punished for having the tantrum and once she had her cry/scream I would hug her some more, cuddle and then move on.

[GuildJenn]

18 months is such a hard age. For us, our son's meltdowns at that age (we don't really consider it temper) were mostly related to communication (if not tiredness, overstimulation, etc.). So it sort of seemed wrong to send him away for getting upset that he couldn't tell us something.

When he was overstimulated sometimes we would remove him into a quiet room, but usually one of us would stay. I would walk away when he hit though, the odd time that he did.

Signing helped us a lot (we used the Signing Time videos) but so did time. Good luck!

[tashaharney]

something that's really helped us with our ds (20 mo) meltdowns has been the mirror. the 'tantrum' starts, we try labelling his feelings "you are really mad, because mommy won't let you play with that toy." if that doesn't help or doesn't seem to get through to him, i will pick him up and sit down in front of a mirror. then i tell him "wow, you are really mad, look how mad you are." not in a mean tone, more in an understanding tone, letting him know i can see that he is angry and letting him see himself angry. i don't want him to think he's bad or wrong for feeling angry, i just want him to see himself. (this works for my tantrums, too. i go throw a fit in front of the mirror, it lets me see how i am acting and helps me calm myself.)

i think putting a babe in a room by themselves is too much like withdrawing from them. when they get older it might be appropriate but for a little one, losing control can be scary. depending on how your LO acts during a tantrum they might hurt themselves (mine's a headbanger and a will throw himself down alot.) so i stick around to make sure all is well, and let LO know that i am there, that it's okay to be mad, that everyone gets mad, but that sometimes we just can't have what we want right away.

hth

[Way Up North]

I think at 18 months everything is so overwhelming ~ tantrums don't happen because dc wants to be a brat, as you know (but your mom may think otherwise LOL), but because they can't handle everything that is going on. So for me, withdrawing from dd or putting her away from me would be out of the questions as she needs support and help at that time~ she counts onme to help her handle the feelings and frustration.

[laoxinat]

Toddlers are challenging, and so are pg mamas! Do you have any neighbors who would watch him for a little while while you nap? I know this doesn't address the screaming issue so much, but you would feel a lot better equipped to deal if you had a little extra rest. I had a neighbor girl when DS was 2-4 who came over after school and just played with him for a little while I rested. It made a huge difference, and Melissa got to 'babysit" someone she wasn't related to. Though screaming is perfectly normal in a 2 yo, it can't hurt to eliminate at least food coloring. Have I mentioned that artificial food coloring is petroleum-based? yum. Also, I recommend earplugs. Many pg mamas are extra sensitive to stimuli, so just taking the edge off can really help. HTHs and remember, it's temporary.

[theresal]

Originally Posted by vermontgirl

He is a lot better this week but I really did not like that approach. It felt wrong. What are your thoughts? I need something to back up why It felt wrong to me.

-Hannah

If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. That's an indicator that you are feeling some sort of pressure, and you are acting out of fear -- fear of making a mistake, fear of not being an effective mom, fear of not appearing to be in control, etc.

Instead of parenting from a place of fear, you will likely be more comfortable parenting from a place of love and connection. When you do, you won't need a positive result to justify what you did (although you'll probably get the desirable result). The ends don't have to justify the means because the means had their own merits.

My s-i-l parents with threats and yelling. I remember early into my connection parenting days recounting to her how my ds was misbehaving and I yelled at him and felt terrible about it. She quickly asked, "But did it work?" And that's when I understood that even if that's what it took to get a positive result, I didn't care. I wanted to parent in a way that I could be proud of.

I highly recommend Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. Here's an excerpt on her approach to tantrums:
"Having no more room to store hurt is the explanation for temper tantrums. A temper tantrum is a spillover. Imagine that every child has a cup inside to store the unreleased hurts. The cup fills ... then one more hurt happens and the child explodes with crying, anger, frustration or rage. ... The hurt we did see didn't seem to warrant the intense response. The tantrum is the release of the accumulated hurts we didn't see. ... A child lost in a tantrum needs the adult to stay calm and keep him from hurting anyone or anything while the hurt empties out."

And be sure to check out the sticky at the top of this forum for the article "Cry for Connection: A Fresh Approach to Tantrums" by Patty Wipfler.

Theresa

[PMolly]

Originally Posted by theresal

I understood that even if that's what it took to get a positive result, I didn't care. I wanted to parent in a way that I could be proud of.

I've been trying to make this a cohesive thought for days, thanks for putting it together for me. We have to live with more than just the effects of our actions, but our actions themselves. And if those actions don't feel right, or are violent or unkind, I think we become desensitized to our children's feelings. Besides, how many different ways can you answer her question "But did it work". Perhaps it got the immediate results you wanted with your child, but did it get the results you wanted for yourself? what about in the long term? Also, I don't think we should worry about parenting in a way others can be proud of, because that might involve screaming, or doing whatever your mom suggests even though it feels wrong.

I second the "Cry for Connection" sticky at the top. Also, I recommend reading "Rock me Gently" an article in the Jan/Feb issue of Mothering about tantrums. They won't tell you how to "handle" a tantrum as much as give you a different perspective and approach to the tantrums. I found both to be very helpful.

[ann_of_loxley]

Originally Posted by vermontgirl

For a while my 18 month son was having a problem with temper tantrums. They were really serious screaming fits and I was too tired to properly deal with it. I would try to figure out what he needed and then ignore him if I felt that he was just screaming for the heck of it. (I am pregnant and exausted beyond belief)

Anyway, my mother suggested that I put a baby gate on his playroom and just put him in there every time he has a fit. Once he stops screaming, take him out. This way he can see me but he woudl know that I am not going to let him have screaming fits.

He is a lot better this week but I really did not like that approach. It felt wrong. What are your thoughts? I need something to back up why It felt wrong to me.

-Hannah

I think it would work...but for all the wrong reasons!...its a bit like CIO if you ask me. Its 'training' him to respond a certain way. It teaches him that:

1). His feelings dont matter -no matter how hard he is screaming and crying about them!

and

2). It teaches him to repress his feelings. Obviously, if you acted that way when he had a tantrum (and tantrums are an explosion of feelings! - I think really realising this - that tantrums are feelings is the first step because you cant get anywhere if you think your child is just screaming at you to be 'manipulative'...I dont know how many times I have been told that my son is just 'manipulating me'...its a horrible way to think about our children! ), its not acceptable for him to have feelings.

Obviously we dont want our children acting that way forever, but its good to be reasonable about what they are capable of for their age. My son is only 28 months - I dont expect him to come to me and tell me how he feels and help create solutions to the problem because he can hardly say a sentence himself!!! lol...When my son has tantrums we (mostly me at the moment!) talk about them and how he is feeling ('I see you are angry/frustrated/etc) and when he calm again we can talk about how else we could express that feeling in a different more appropriate way ('Next time we get angry, we can hit our pillow if that makes us feel better, but we should never hit another person/etc'). If you dont talk to your child about feelings how will they ever know what they are feeling. 'Right now I am feeling angry/sad/upset/frustrated/etc'! Eventually my son will be able to say that, but hes not going to pull that out of thin air on his own is he?! lol..Its okay to have feelings, being there and listening and just supporting your child through it tells them its okay to have feelings - if you ignored it, how would your child know feelings are okay? If everytime I was upset, I was just ignored...I would start to bottle my feelings up. This can just lead to a HUGE explosion in a toddler. My son has very little short tantrums here and there compared to the 3 hour long ones (yeah I am not kidding!!! lol) a lot of children of other mothers I know have! (talk about exhausting! they must have really needed that release!). A child needs to know their feelings are listened to and repsect just like any other person. Not only could that be the cause of bottled up feelings now, but if any of you are like me, as an adult - bottled up feelings can lead to much worse. As much as I know there are treatments for adult depression, I dont want to set my son up for that! lol

'Cry for Connection' sticky in Gentle Dicipline forum is an ace article on tantrums and how to handle them!

[mamamille]

there's a really good article in the recent mothering mag on tantrums.

I also second the pp that think that it teaches him wrong things about how he is allowed to feel, and communicate. I have a friend who any time he was angry or had a tantrum, his parents put him in the garage (I would think to rage alone) but it taught him to disconnect with his emotions.

I have always regarded tantrums as when a child gets stuck between being able to express his emotions in a "socially acceptable manner" and feeling/being in his emotions. Thus we sooooo many the first 7? years and esp now.

I really try to just express what I think my dd is trying to tell me and I always apologise that she is so overwhelmed. I absolutely believe that we as parents shouldn't be forced by our babies emotions. We are mommies, they are our children. But I think that it's important for them to feel safe learning how to mature.

[nextcommercial]

That's good solid advice. It's what most people would suggest too.

BUT, it's actually easier for YOU if you just ignore it while he is lying on the floor in front of you. If you drop his little tush over a gate, you first have to get the gate and put it up. Then you have to suffer while he screams (twice as long) and not only are you extra tired, you also feel guilty.

If you just let him have his meltdown and try to ignore it, you wont feel as bad, it will end sooner, then you can both sit on the couch together while he has those last hiccuping moments. The you can say sympathetic things like "You really sounded mad" or something that tells him you understand and it's O.K to feel mad..

Sometimes, it just isn't worth the guilt. If it feels wrong, it probably is.

[sapphire_chan]

If the play room is set up to be safer for him when he's tantruming, I don't really see a problem with putting him in there and telling him "you can be angry, but you need to be safe". Leave the gate off and the door open and gently return him if necessary "yes, I know you're angry, it's safer in here." And, of course, stay in line of sight making soothing noises.

But if he's not going to bang his head against furniture in the livingroom or whereever, then don't bother.

[madskye]

I don't do time outs, but I will give DD a hug, tell her I get what she is feeling, and then sometimes absent myself while she tantrums because sometimes it is just too much for me. I'd rather go in the other room and refresh myself than stay there and get more tense. Then I can usually come back in with more hugs and kisses and get things back on track.

I wouldn't be comfortable putting her behind a closed door or a gate, it just feels kind of punitive. But maybe setting him up in a chair or a couch with a blanket and a stuffed animal and just giving him a little time collect himself would work just as well? Is it being gated that is working, or is there something in his room that he finds soothing?

I think your mom's suggestion is coming from a good place, you just need to tweak it to make it more consistent with your philosophy.

I just clicked on your sons picture! He is so cute!!!

[CalebsMama05]

wow I am amazed at the replies here...I don't mean to hijack the thread from the OP but GD is something I have been struggling with since ds1 was born (well okay since he was about a year old).

when ds1 starts having a temper tantrum (he is nearly three) I start off by telling him that I completely understand that he is angry and it is okay to be angry, sometimes he stops screeching and flailing and settles for glaring at me. most times he just screeches louder and starts banging his head on the floor.

when this happens I take him into his room (usually bodily with him kicking and hitting me) and sit him on his bed and tell him that I understand that he is angry and why but that hurting himself and others is NOT okay, and since being around people is keeping him angry I think I little time out for both of us is a good idea. then I tell him when he isn't so angry that he hurts himself he can come out. usually what happens then is that he cries for a minute or two and comes out into the living room over it.

isn't that the same thing as the OP's mother suggested? I have no experience with GD so I am just going off my instincts...this I thought was one of my best responses to tantrums and I was so proud thinking how it acknowledged his feelings etc.

now if the comments in PP's are due to the OP's dc's age...I don't know I have a 19m/o ds and he doesn't seem capable of true temper tantrums...his are due to frustration I feel and he responds better if I just hold him and reassure him that I know he's frustrated.

OP-(sorry to hijack your thread!) you have to follow your instincts...if something FEELS wrong to you than don't do it.

[WuWei]

I am left wondering how the child can learn to "deal" when left alone? It seems to indicate that emotional expression of BIG feelings is not welcome or supported. When the expression is repressed or suppressed, he is welcome to rejoin the family. I've found it more comforting to stay with our son when he is upset, try to identify and articulate what exactly he is desiring; and work to find a solution which meets his needs and mine. For instance, if I were upset that my friend and I were having a falling out and I was ranting to dh, I'd not feel very supported, if he sent me off to work it out and "deal" on my own elsewhere.

These are new emotions for little people, and modeling supportive verbal expression, and comforting exploration seems much more useful for the child to witness. I often see ds doing the same for other children when they are crying. He'll say 'You are crying. Are you sad? Where is your mama?' and seek out support for the child. That is what I want to demonstrate as effective ways to support another person in distress.


Pat