Sarah:
I usually don't pull-quote because I find it breaks-up the flow of a thread and, to me, it's a little rude, but I want to be clear with you.
Quote:
However, I also find it pretty easy to "let go" because my persona is pretty much accepted and approved of wherever I go (well-groomed, healthy, reasonably attractive white woman who is pretty clearly middle class). So I don't know how it would feel if you weren't approved of, if strangers regularly treated you as a second-class citizen. I see that happen around here quite a bit, especially to women who are clearly very poor or Hispanic. You might become so desperate to prove to the world that you were trying to be a good parent and control your children that you would resort to such tactics. Especially if you had never had anything better modeled for you.
----------------------
I don't see where anyone was lowering their expectations of someone's parenting based on their perceived race or class. I said that I've noticed people being treated poorly because of their perceived race and/or class, and that it may color your perception of how people were viewing you if that was happening continuously.
I have had some horrible public parenting moments, and while I hopefully won't have anymore, it's possible I will. I can only hope no one will think I'm "mean and/or stupid". Ouch! |
Bolding mine.
So, you
weren't saying that you mentally make exceptions for poor parenting when the person you are observing is non-white or appears to be from a lower class? .... Because it sure sounded like you were, even if you thought you were doing it for nice reasons.
You were instead saying that because OTHER (white?) people judge people of colour, or people of a lower class more harshly... this causes those minorities or lower class people to react more quickly or harshly while parenting?
If that's the case... well, then, okay. That is different. But, I just can't understand how you would
know what was going on in that individual's mind and what could be motivating their actions.
I'm not trying to pick on you, I just want clarity.
It touches a raw nerve with me because both of my parents had pretty rotten childhoods.... and my sisters and I grew up with no-name soups and donation bins for many years as children. My parents were excellent. They LEARNED from their own experiences as children and decided to not repeat those mistakes. Were they perfect?? No. But, I would be really ticked if I knew people around us were "lowering the bar" for our behaviour and success just because we were on the lower end of the working class scale.... and were expecting better of the wealthier people around us while doing it. My Dh's situation is pretty similar and his parents improved on their childhoods by at least 80% as far as I can know.
...............
And, yes: If you actually said
those things to your child while I was listening and watching -
"I HOPE SOMEONE TAKES YOU"
I would think you to be VERY MEAN indeed. I would be horrified. I would be hard-pressed not to verbally bite your head off,
let alone feel compassion for YOU, while some helpless little person you were stomping all over was being told
by their mother that their mother would be happy if a stranger abducted and killed them. That's not a "bad parenting moment" that we could all expect to have- that's
repugnant.
If you think that makes me intolerant or judgemental, then, you are right. I would judge you very harshly, and I would not tolerate you saying that to your child.
I usually cut people a lot of slack while I'm observing them. I'm usually happy if they aren't swearing, littering or spitting on the ground, but some things just cross the line into out-right cruelty, and I think those people ought to be judged and corrected by those around them.
If she seriously doesn't know any better than to not say things like that, then, she could glean it from the horrified reactions of the people around her who heard what she said. Logical consequences.
Like I said, if I were in this situation, I would have had to play it by ear. I imagine I probably would have not tried to correct the mother in this case because I would have already determined that she would just take it out on her child after I was finished with her. Instead, I might have tried to engage the little boy myself with some big smiles and conversation, perhaps asking him some friendly questions about Thomas or his favourite cartoons, or something, just to show him some kindness.... and distract him from his mother's words.
Trin.
:
Had to do that a few times too! Or don't be passive-aggressive like me and come right out and tell that parent what they are doing is wrong an abusive.
