rude 3 1/2 yrold dd

[Jess's Mom]

My dd is so rude, bossy, mean, and lazy all the time, I don't know what to do with her. She will not do ANYTHING I ask her to and I find myself wanting to beat my head aginanst a wall. I have 6 mo old twins and a 14yr old stepdd that lives with us and I find with the stress I am feeling, I can't deal with any of them well. HELP!

[mowilli3]

I think I'd be crazy, too with 6 MO twins and a 3.5 YO. I'd say give it another 6 months before you attack that wall. Something's bound to give.

[AugustineM]

I think it's very common for 3 1/2 year olds to not do what they're asked. I know mine doesn't. It's a way of testing their power, or else they're so distracted with other things they actually have a very hard time doing something they're asked to do.

I say: ask very very little. Back off, and focus on playing and interacting, and giving lots of choices. It's hard! I have a 19 mo. old too, and it's hard!

[mommycakes]

I'm struggling with mine too--my sweet girl is suddenly a Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. It's so exhausting! I'm scared b/c we have a baby due next month. Some days I find it hard to hold myself together during all the screaming and fits--I just can't imagine what it's going to be like with a baby too.

This too shall pass...right?

[veggiemomma]

I read your title as "nude" 3 1/2 yo. I was thinking - hey, what's the big deal? Guess I should have my glasses on. lol

Anyway...I agree w/pp who said to focus on playing with dd more. Could be she's a little jealous, no? Hang in there. I hope things get better for you soon.

[mariposa2]

my dd, first child, is 3 1/2 too, and has just started going thougha rude phase. but i try to remeber it is a "phase". i understand feeling crazy, it makes everything take so much longer. in the morning trying to get out ofthe house she doesnt want t wear any of her shoes, boots, socks, dresses or nything, it certainly makes things trying. hang in there mama!!

[MacKinnon]

We had a rough, rough patch when DS was 6 months and DD was 3 1/2. I tried really hard to love, love, love, love her and see things from her perspective. If you are totally stressed, imagine how she must feel! Not to say I wasn't at the end of my rope.... It did get much better, at least the constant disagreeableness. She still ignores me though. We tried to be super consistent, clear expectations and reasonable limits/consequences. She settled down somewhat when she realized that things were not changing, DS was here to stay and momma was serious about not putting up with some her behavior, but that I really did love her lots. Good luck and hang in there!

[roostery]

I was reading a child development book about 3 yo. The title was "Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy". Which cracked me up. The other thing that cracked me up was that they said the best way to deal with kids at this age was to have someone else watch them. It just didn't seem like your standard how to deal with kids advice.

But their point was that 3 1/2 is developmentally the stage which drives parents absolutely bonkers. Basically you can't do anything with them so it is best if they are being cared for by someone who doesn't have a lot invested in how they are behaving.

I found it reassuring actually, partly because I now know that it is a stage and DD will eventually get through it, and partly because it freed me up to just care a little less about behaviors that were making me crazy.

[AugustineM]

Originally Posted by roostery

I

I found it reassuring actually, partly because I now know that it is a stage and DD will eventually get through it, and partly because it freed me up to just care a little less about behaviors that were making me crazy.

I think this is a great way to look at it!! I try very hard not to let DS's behavior bother me. It's like a "don't take it personally" type of thing. He's 3.5. He's learning a TON. It's all overwhelming. DH and I are always like, "Breathe deep. Cut him some slack."

[tammyswanson]

Originally Posted by mowilli3

I'd say give it another 6 months before you attack that wall. Something's bound to give.

Hopefully it'll be the wall!

[Ruthla]

3.5 is just a hard age. They're transitioning from "toddler" to "child" and testing limits like crazy. Try not to take it personally, because truly, it's not personal. Your child isn't intentionally trying to make you crazy- that's just a side-effect of her learning about the world and trying to make sense of it, and see how much control she really has.

Part of this learning is the meltdowns when she wants something that isn't possible. To them, it's like "I can control the TV by using the remote control! I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL ME!!! I want to go build a snowman. Why can't I make it snow? I want to play in the snow NOW!!! Why isn't the weather listening to me?'

I remember once being a member of an AP board that had a whole folder marked "3.5yos"- they had THAT many posts about behavior in kids that age!

[timneh_mom]

Oh goodness... if you can figure out how to get your 3.5 year old to listen, please tell me! My 3.25 year old is selectively deaf I think!

Seriously, I agree with what everyone else is saying. They seem like they are BIG but they are really still very little at that age, and often just don't understand as much as we think they do! I thought either I was nuts or a terrible mother, but when I started talking with other people (here and friends) I found that three is just really, really awful and really hard! It is the age of power without reason. They can do a lot but have very little control of their emotions or actions. I'm told it gets better but OH sometimes it feels like it goes from one hard stage into the next hard stage! sigh...

[One_Girl]

3.5 is a terrible age. They go from being practically a baby and given a lot of leeway to being expected to have magically matured overnight and act much more mature than they are able to and it is really rough and if it is way to much for them they act out in even more childish and annoying ways. They are also asked to do a lot more around the house often on their own without having the skills to do these things and they are expected to talk rationally like an adult when they are upset rather than react out of anger. Even adults have a hard time and react badly to situations where they are expected to do things they can't do or situations when they feel overwhelmed by their job and life so it is no wonder that your child is. On top of trying to find the right balance of expectations for her you have two additional babies who need all of your care all of the time, a teenager, housework, etc... and you are probably very tired and overwhelmed by all of this she may be angry or jealous and not really wanting to cooperate because you have replaced her and she probably realizes that you don't like her that much right now, even if you love her always. That doesn't exactly create a happy well adjusted three year old who wants to be the helper and get up for the person who thinks that she is "so rude, bossy, mean, and lazy all the time".

Try looking at what you can do to get yourself feeling better so you can model appropriate kind behavior and correct behavior that is not appropriate and kind in your child without going off the deep end. You should also try not to even let yourself think these things about your child because that makes it easier to make excuses for calling her these things out loud and treating her harshly. She still needs to be taught how to phrase things politely, she still needs help listening at times, she still needs help with large tasks, and she still needs to learn how to express herself in appropriate ways.