how do you handle hitting?

[proudmamanow]

This is a pretty new one for us, and it kind of got buried in my lengthy post about dd (to which I got some great replies--thank you!).
So in the past week, dd, aged almost 3 (34 months) has hit 3 adults -her friend`s mom, our childless friend and her aunt (my sister). Both times apparently out of just about nowhere (though I am learning how to look for signs & prevent it).
But my question...what should we do when this happens? How should we respond? So far we have picked her up & held her on our laps, while explaining that we don't hit, it's not okay, it hurts person X and we should say sorry or give them a kiss.

But I'm not really convinced this is the ideal response (esp. the sorry part).
Today dd smashed her face into dw's nose (I had the same joyous experience on the weekend, and really lost my cool). Dw started crying because it really hurt, and dd was concerned about this and spontaneously kissed her and said sorry, which was good to see. But I'm still not sure how best to handle this...

[angela&avery]

well i think that 3 year olds are very capable of understanding that they are hurting someone else, and maybe being a little bit more stern would get the point across... of course I take some GD and leave some GD, so thats just my opinion. I would be very shocked if my 3 year olds did this.. 1 and 2 year olds are one thing, and siblings are one thing, but hitting and head banging an adult seems a little bit violent for a 3 year old.

im not about forcing apologies, but usually I say to my children when they hurt each other "the nice thing to do would be to say you are sorry and give them a hug" or something of that sort. Or "it may make daddy feel better if you tell him you are sorry for hitting him".. but i don't force. I think this allows children to learn how to make up for a bad choice. Of course, I apologize to my children if I yell or something and it wasn't appropriate too.

Of course I don't know your child. Your child may be a "young 3" which may constitute more of a 2 year old kind of behavior, in which case I would remove the child from the situation, encourage the adult to put her down or take a step back, and say we do not hit.. that hurts.. and be decisive in your language, not soft and loving so that there is a distinction in your voice of "this is not ok". With younger children that may not have a lot of language, its best to keep things very simple .. (no hitting) (ouch) and for older kids with language (we do not hit people, that hurts) (you are hurting me) (i dont want to play with you if you hurt me).

Making these distinctions also teach your child that its not ok to let others hurt them.

[proudmamanow]

thanks Angela, I should clarify:
-this is a totally new & out of character thing for dd, who's never been a hitter until about a week ago.
-what we've been doing is holding her on our laps & not letting her down until she says sorry, so we have been forcing an apology.

[Embee]

First of all, you're not alone. If you do a search on Mothering for "hitting" you will find more threads than you can count. I've been there myself.

My best advice is while you're looking for signs that she's going in for the hit, also look for what is happening, the trigger. It may be hard to see I realize. Also, I would spend more one on one time with your DD, play and let her lead. She may show you what is going on with her and you can play along and help her work through it and move on.

My son has been through hitting phases and there is ALWAYS a root cause. Remember to look beyond behavior, see the behavior as language and treat the whole child.

In the moment? Do the best you can. Sometimes that means just muddling through and other times she'll respond more cooperatively. My usual response is to remove DS from the situation and be close. I validate his feelings, "You're feeling frustrated with your friend." And then I usually let him talk and tell me what's going on for him. I don't force apologies because they don't truly solve anything. Although I do model them and as DS has gotten older, he tends to apologize in a genuine way. I try to keep in mind that the child who is hit surely may have a superficial wound of sorts and perhaps needs some initial attention, but it's my opinion that the child that is hitting is having a deeper problem and that needs to be addressed.

Here is a list of some discussions that may be of help:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hlight=hitting

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hlight=hitting

Here is an excellent article by Naomi Aldort. It's my go-to place for just about every issue that comes up. In particular, as to "how to respond in the moment" see paragraphs 16 & 17.

http://www.naomialdort.com/articles4.html

The best to you mama and hang in there. Like I said, you are far from alone. This is way more common than many would have you believe and there are lots of solutions and healing to come I'm sure.



Em

[wondertwins]

As my twins are only 8 months old, I'm going to answer as a former preschool teacher. I agree with PP, about looking for a root cause, but as your DD is almost three, it could just be her adjusting to new developmental milestones (I recently read somewhere that just because 3 & 4 year olds "have" the words, it doesn't mean they know how to use them).

To address the hitting issue, I would refer to Becky Bailey. Her parenting book is "Easy to love, difficult to discipline". The method she uses in the book for teachers, I'm still working on the parenting book, is to say to the child "hitting hurts, we don't hit". Then you go to the injured party and ask the child who did the hitting to ask the other person if they are okay (this empowers the other person, especially if another child) and if she is uncomfortable asking, you would offer to ask for her. Then you (or DD) ask the injured person if he/she would like a hug or to be rubbed where hit, allowing your DD to physically take responsibility for the "injury". They never are asked to say sorry, but rather show it. Some kids balk at the whole idea at first, in which case you take the lead and ask if the other person is okay and rub on the injury in DD's presence.

I hope hat helps. I'm typing one handed, sleeping babe in the other arm and feel a little disjointed!

[proudmamanow]

I was off-line yesterday, but wanted to come back and say thank you for these great suggestions from Embee and Nikki...very concrete alternatives to forcing sorry. Great article from Naomi Aldort too! Dd seems to have chilled out, but we have a busy weekend ahead and I need to make sure we build in a lot of downtime & one-on-one time.

thanks again...