Need HELP with potty learning PLEASE..

[jasperab]

I'm at the end of my rope with my 4 yr old. She is to the point now where she refuses to sit at all on the potty. I started her at the same age as my first one, around 3 and its been a year of struggle. I have tried everything I can think of. I've tried the reward system of stickers or a treat, of just putting her in underwear, or going naked around the house, of sitting her infront of her favorite show, of keeping it low key and not trying to be too pushy. Anyone out there with a late pottier? Any more suggestions? What makes it even worse is the family and/or strangers who see her pullups and think I'm being lazy. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Marianne

[phathui5]

Do you have cloth trainers? I would hesitate to use Pull-Ups, because they're like a diaper, with it being fairly dry/comfortable after it's peed in. If my 4 year old weren't going potty, I'd want her to feel wet when she went in her pants. Not to be mean, but to communicate, "Hey, I peed. I'm feel wet and icky."

If she tells you she's wet, you can hand her some wipes and a dry trainer or pair of underwear and have her change herself, reiterating that if she uses the toilet, her clothes will stay dry.

[bl987ue]

Sounds like you are in a giant-sized power struggle here. My suggestion: start by apologizing to her about nagging her so much, that she is a big girl now and it is her responsibility to toilet, not yours to nag her about it. Tell her that you know that she is competent to know when she needs to use the toilet, and then back wayyyyy off. If she has an accident, hand her some dry clothes and have her clean herself up and change. No nagging, no reminding, no recriminations of any sort. Make her responsible for rinsing out underpants that get soiled. (You might need to help her clean herself up after she soils.) If she doesn't have some sort of physical problem, and if you hang tough about making this her problem it should sort itself out fairly quickly. My boy quit pooping his pants in under a week when he realized that he was the one dealing with the fallout!

[jasperab]

Thanks for the response. Yup, I think its a power struggle and its hard to deal with. bl987ue, I am going to go the route you suggest. I thought in the past this is what I should do and by you mentioning it reinforces the idea. Anyways, its on with the cloth trainers and its totally up to her. Shes a smart kid and not easy to manipulate if its not her idea. I never had a problem like this with my first, I just put her on every hour and away we went, but with this one, its 'no way mom'. Getting mad at her just seems to make her dig her feet in even more. Thanks again for confirming my thoughts.
Marianne

[bl987ue]

You are her mommy, and you know her better than anybody else. If she is yanking your chain, you know it! Good luck, and remember--NO REACTIONS to any of the provocations! Calm, Calm, calm! (Can you get some wine for yourself? LOL)

[BusyBeeMom]

Originally Posted by bl987ue

Sounds like you are in a giant-sized power struggle here. My suggestion: start by apologizing to her about nagging her so much, that she is a big girl now and it is her responsibility to toilet, not yours to nag her about it. Tell her that you know that she is competent to know when she needs to use the toilet, and then back wayyyyy off. If she has an accident, hand her some dry clothes and have her clean herself up and change. No nagging, no reminding, no recriminations of any sort. Make her responsible for rinsing out underpants that get soiled. (You might need to help her clean herself up after she soils.) If she doesn't have some sort of physical problem, and if you hang tough about making this her problem it should sort itself out fairly quickly. My boy quit pooping his pants in under a week when he realized that he was the one dealing with the fallout!

Hi! I've got the same problem as OP...do you think this will work if DD just doesn't care (or acts as though she doesn't care) if she's wet/dirty? It's at the point where I'll say, are you doing poopy/do you need to go poopy and she'll flat out lie while she sits there and poops in her panties, and then just hang out in them. I feel like I'm so far past the end of my rope...

[lexbeach]

I would just "run out" of diapers. She may have accidents for a couple of days, but I bet it won't last longer than that.

Lex

[abi&ben'smom]

My ds never cared if he was wet/poopy. But one day he just decided that her wanted to go in the potty. I think they just have to decide on their own. And I'll have to agree with the power struggle thing.

[zaftigmama]

Even though it may seem late to you, as the mom, she may just not be ready. I would wait for a sign from her telling you she's ready, and go with it. My nephew was getting really close to his 5th birthday before he trained, but he just wasn't ready before that.

I remember getting impatient a few times with my son, and my pediatrician assured me there was nothing medically wrong, and he'd be ready when he was ready. He always reminded me, "Just because you are ready, doesn't mean he's ready."

And boy, was I ready to be done with dipes. And if I'm remembering correctly, as soon as I stopped pushing him and nagging him, he was ready.

Good luck!

[jasperab]

This is working for us. Its been about a week and she is doing really good, especially compared to where we were. We tried about a year ago and she was not ready but this time she is and it not a matter of she can't but she won't. I leave it totally up to her. I remind her or ask her to sit and its up to her if she does. Mornings seem to be the most difficult time where as suppertime and evenings she usually goes on the potty. When she wets herself she changes herself. And as I am typing this she has just went and sat down on her own and peed. YES!!! In our case it seems that we needed to give her the power otherwise its a lose/lose situation. All the extra laundry is worth it.

[greeny]

I'm glad things are going better!

[Embee]

Originally Posted by BusyBeeMom

Hi! I've got the same problem as OP...do you think this will work if DD just doesn't care (or acts as though she doesn't care) if she's wet/dirty? It's at the point where I'll say, are you doing poopy/do you need to go poopy and she'll flat out lie while she sits there and poops in her panties, and then just hang out in them. I feel like I'm so far past the end of my rope...

Often times, it is the pushing (even gentle pushing) itself that causes the apathy in the child. "The more mom asks, the less I care." I would definitely recommend this advice to you. Back wayyyyyyyyyy off and all the rest too. Excellent advice bl987ue!

The best and hang in there, mama. This too shall pass... no pun intended.

Em

[oybaby]

As previously mentioned, there is a power struggle going on here

and your daughter is smart-she knows that she is the only one who can control when and where she pees and poops. So, let her do so. It helps if she is no longer wearing diapers. Take her to the store and let her pick out some underwear. Keep a potty seat in whatever room she is in. My older son was a bit freaked out by pooping over the big hole on the toilet, even with the snug and comfy Baby Bjorn potty ring. For pooping, he preferred the Baby Bjorn potty seat on the floor for awhile.

Remaining as neutral as possible, even when she does pee or poop in the potty/toilet will remind her of the fact that this is a normal function of her body and not something that needs external reinforcement. After all, you want her to control her body herself, right?

I am not a rewards person, but something that encouraged my son to stop pooping in his pants was that he wanted to go into the kids area at IKEA. Kids have to be out of diapers to go in there-IKEA's rule, not mine. I told him that and lo and behold, he stopped pooping in his pants soon thereafter.

[mamademateo]

i agree to back way off. my ds 4 started going in the potty after major power struggles from his preshcoll( who said they'd work with me as we potty learned ) 2 weeks after he got kicked out of preschool for not being potty trained he just decided to go on his own. he would say to me now don't say anything and run into the bathroom and go. he sits on the toilet backwards. he did it when he was ready and in his own way. when the water was calm... that was 3.5 months ago. now the challenge is getting him to do it when he is not at home.... give her time she will do it when she doesn't feel the pressure..

[slm21bl]

I went through the same thing with my middle DD. My suggestion is get the book, Toilet Training in less than a day. I used the book for my first DD and it worked awesome. I never thought it would work with the second DD but it did. Basically, you have the child teach a doll (one that pees) how to do each step (pulling pants down, sitting quietly, etc.) and have your DD praise the doll just like you would praise her. Have your DD do "pants checks" on the doll to make sure she keeps her pants dry, all the while giving the doll treats for her good behavior. Only give your DD, the dolls treat if she says she will try and go potty. It really only took one day. I still have to help her wipe but otherwise she is trained. I hope this helps.