I was so shocked..I snapped at her...oops

[allgirls]

I just snapped at my daughter's friend. She's 13. She came home after school with my daughter. I know they were hungry and of course they had a snack.

My 4.5 year old had some left over fries from a happy meal. so she wanted her fries heated up.

so she moves away from the bag and immediately the kid takes a fry from the bag...I'm a bit taken aback, she's a visitor but it's one fry so I let it go.

A few minutes later I turn around and she has a full handful(maybe more than half of what my daughter had in the bag in her hand and was cramming them in her mouth.

I said "Don't take the little girl's fries!" in a shocked, sorta angry voice.

She says "but they are so good"

and I said "but they are NOT yours, you don't take a little kid's snack"

I was just so shocked. I can't imagine any scenario where my 13 year old would do this, especially in someone elses home.

She's invited to dinner, she had a snack.

I probably spoke a bit too angrily but it slipped out before I could stop. I was just so shocked.

I think my kids were too..they never hear that

I'm kind of sorry, but not really...geesh

[fiorio]

If you had spoken like that to a 4 year old, yeah that would be out of line. But a 13year old should know better than to take someone else's food.

[mama2mygirl]

Well, my dd is just about your little one's age and she would be really upset if someone took her snack.
On the other hand, why did you only get the little one McDonalds? To us, that's a BIG treat. It's seems rude to have a treat for one kid and not the others--even if the others are big girls.

[DreamsInDigital]

I probably would've reacted the same way. A kid that age knows better than to take another person's food without asking.

[Ruthla]

I can't imagine a 13yo NOT asking first before eating something. Sheesh- she really is old enough to know better.

As for why only the little one had fries from a fast food place- I imagine they're leftovers from lunch that was eaten while the older girls were in school. I don't see the big deal in heating up fries for a 4yo while offering something different for the big kids. I wouldn't heat up food in front of another 4yo without sharing them, but I'd expect teenagers to be OK with eating something different from a preschooler.

[angela&avery]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

I can't imagine a 13yo NOT asking first before eating something. Sheesh- she really is old enough to know better.

As for why only the little one had fries from a fast food place- I imagine they're leftovers from lunch that was eaten while the older girls were in school. I don't see the big deal in heating up fries for a 4yo while offering something different for the big kids. I wouldn't heat up food in front of another 4yo without sharing them, but I'd expect teenagers to be OK with eating something different from a preschooler.

[mama2mygirl]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

I can't imagine a 13yo NOT asking first before eating something. Sheesh- she really is old enough to know better.

As for why only the little one had fries from a fast food place- I imagine they're leftovers from lunch that was eaten while the older girls were in school. I don't see the big deal in heating up fries for a 4yo while offering something different for the big kids. I wouldn't heat up food in front of another 4yo without sharing them, but I'd expect teenagers to be OK with eating something different from a preschooler.

I will take it that you know better on this one. I only have a little kid and so I have no idea what to expect out of thirteen-year-olds.

[Jane]

Besides, reheated fries are not "sooo good" - so She's lying.

[phathui5]

Originally Posted by mama2mygirl

I will take it that you know better on this one. I only have a little kid and so I have no idea what to expect out of thirteen-year-olds.

Having been 13, I can say with confidence that a 13 year old can use enough self-control not to eat the 4 year old's food. Sheesh.

[mama2mygirl]

Originally Posted by phathui5

Having been 13, I can say with confidence that a 13 year old can use enough self-control not to eat the 4 year old's food. Sheesh.

Well, apparently I'm just an idiot. How disappointing.

[mama_ani]

My goodness, a 13 year should most definitely know better. Even my 10 year old knows better than to take food from a little kid.

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by mama2mygirl

Well, my dd is just about your little one's age and she would be really upset if someone took her snack.
On the other hand, why did you only get the little one McDonalds? To us, that's a BIG treat. It's seems rude to have a treat for one kid and not the others--even if the others are big girls.

They were her leftovers. Other kids had no leftovers. But sometimes I have the little ones out with me and we eat lunch out and big kids are in school. The big kids understand. Sometimes they get to go out for lunch from school and little ones don't get to go...it's all good.

Visiting kid was not expected.

I think what ticked me off was I could kind of tell she was "sneaking" kwim. And I was just so shocked. And we don't know her. Some of the kids come here and we know them so well, for years, and they get themselves a drink etc. I was just surprised at my own reaction..I'm usually very careful about how I treat their friends.

I've calmed down now and think that my reaction was perfectly human. I was just so shocked.

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by Apricot

Besides, reheated fries are not "sooo good" - so She's lying.

I know uh, blech!

[zipworth]

I would have reacted the same way. That's just plain rude:.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by allgirls

I've calmed down now and think that my reaction was perfectly human. I was just so shocked.

I think it was perfectly human, too!

I've also felt a little bent-out-of-shape, when I've occasionally overheard (or dd has told me about) friends of my 7yo asking her to show them what other foods we have in the house. This, after I've set out all the foods that dd and visiting friends can help themselves to during a playdate.

Usually dd just has one friend over at a time, and then she and her friend will often prepare snacks together -- but when she used to have 3 sisters coming a lot, and they were constantly asking for things to eat -- I just got in the habit of talking with dd ahead of time and planning out the snacks, and having things like fruit, bread, and peanut butter and honey out on the table, and sippy cups with ice-water, and would just tell them to help themselves to the stuff on the table whenever they got hungry.

Dd normally eats free-range, but she understood about having it planned out for the 3 friends (and was willing to eat the same foods herself while they were here), because otherwise her friends wanted to go hog-wild, and consume huge amounts of cereal and milk (and any snack-foods we had), so we'd end up running out before dh's next payday.

So we'd plan it out, and they knew what was there for them (and their mom usually sent some food, too)-- but they still wanted to rummage and try to get into other stuff. At least dd was smart enough to back me up on it. She was puzzled that they were so interested in food, because to her, playdates are so much fun, she can often play for hours without giving a thought to her stomach.

I found it irritating (the sneakiness of asking dd when I was somewhere else in the house), even though they were nowhere near the age of your dd's friend. I think in their case, they were used to the kitchen being "closed" except at certain times, and their parents are more crunchy than we are, so it was a big deal to them to see a box of cheezits or graham crackers, or a bag of Sunchips.

I guess it's just fun to look into other people's cabinets -- and maybe they had no intention of swiping anything.

All that to just say -- yes, a 13yo is old enough to know not to steal a little girl's food. And it's not your responsibility to make sure that whenever your 13yo unexpectedly has a friend over, you have leftover french fries for the friend if you have some for your 4yo. That's not even your responsibility if you know the friend is coming.

I'm surprised she was so blase about the whole thing! I would've been humiliated to be caught out by someone else's mom at that age -- and for her to just say, "But they are so good" as if it was the most normal thing in the world, that sounds kinda freaky to me. It makes me wonder what she'd snatch when no one else is looking!

Edited to Add: I don't know why that party-icon is at the top of my post, and I don't know how to edit it out, either.

[allgirls]

I had to really talk to my 13 year old about her friends who were twins who would be here all the time for dinner...it was really crazy.

They would eat after school, expect to stay for dinner and basically invite themselves. One time they were here and I didn't know(playing outside) and I called my daughter in and her friend came too..and I'm really confused and she's like "oh, well I played too long and now I've missed dinner at my house" and i said "I am very sorry but we don't have enough" and she stomped out the door.

I said to my daughter "did you invite her for dinner without asking me" and she said "no, I thought she was going home"

So to ward off any miscommunication one day sophia was playing in the backyard with a neighbour's kid and I said to her friend. "we have a rule that at dinner time kids have to go eat but when you are finished if your mom says you may come back to play" so she went home.

A few days later my neighbour stopped me and said "H. told me you have this GREAT rule at your house about how kids eat at their own houses and then can come back" and she told me how in her last neighbourhood she used to feel so bad because there were always kids who would loiter around at dinner time and she would feel compelled to feed them. She didn't think they were actually starving or anything since it was a really kind of well-to-do neighbourhood..she just didn't know how to tell them to go home.

So we now have a neighbourhood rule(I'm in a brand new subdivision in a small town) and the neighbour moms are all on board with it.

Of course if I actually suspected a child was hungry..I'd be feeding that kid.

I mentioned the behaviour to my 13 year old about the fries and I said "you wouldn't do that would you" and she was like "I'd starve first" and I do believe she would.

[ryleeee]

holy smokes. i am APPALLED that that girl 1) took your 4 YEAR OLDS SNACK and 2) said "but they are soooooo good!"

seriously appalled.
you handled it much better than i would have, i'll tell you right now.

[bri276]

does this kid not have any siblings? my DH was an only child and is still weirded out by "food rules" that I find normal b/c growing up with my sister, we would guard our special treats like coyotes Like, if there are two blueberry muffins, he doesn't get that you don't eat both for breakfast- and he actually doesn't even mind if I eat both- he has no selfishness about food at all, because he never had to fight anyone for it- and therefore he doesn't get that anyone would care. I had to teach him that if I buy a special treat we have to divvy it up. And he's 30. (my best friend is also an only child who is the same way and no, I'm not picking on onlies)

But- it's still weird, b/c most 13 yr olds know not to take food in someone else's house without asking or being offered. but it might explain it a little.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by allgirls

So we now have a neighbourhood rule(I'm in a brand new subdivision in a small town) and the neighbour moms are all on board with it.

I like that!

Now I wish I could figure out a tactful way to start a new rule about kids getting drinks and using the restroom in their own houses -- when everyone's playing outdoors, and going home just involves taking a few extra steps (certainly I have no problem with sharing our water/restroom if someone's playing inside our house).

When my own dd's playing in our neighbors' yards, she automatically dashes back home to take care of these needs -- because I want her to stay within my sight while she's playing anyway, since I don't yet feel comfortable with her going into any of our neighbors' houses when I'm not with her.

Plus even when I do feel comfortable, I think it's still better for her to come home to care for these needs.

But the neighbor kids often want to use our restroom, or want me to go get them drinks.

I think I'll try the tack of explaining that since I'm outside watching everyone, I really don't want kids (except for my own) going into our house when I can't be in there, and also that I don't feel like going in and out all the time to get drinks for people (both of which are true) ... "So, honey, why don't you just dash home to get that drink/use the restroom, and come on back as soon as you're done?"

Does that sound nice enough? I hope I'm not taking things off-track, but it seemed applicable since we're basically talking about how to deal kindly with our children's friends.

[allgirls]

absolutely...when all the kids are playing out in front..they all go home to get drinks and use the bathroom unless I see a kid doing a serious potty dance.

If a child has been invited specifically for a "playdate" that's different but if the play area has just kind of randomly become my front yard or the neighbour's sidewalk then the kids have to come home for drinks/snack/bathroom. We do have 2 kids accross the way who would ask for drinks and I said pretty much what you quoted so they happily skipped along to get a drink at their own house.

I would expect you to say something like that to my dd.

Now in the case of the older kids..their friend's live further away so of course they are welcome to water and to use the bathroom....(but not to juice and milk).

I have 4 kids..it's like a full-time battle keeping milk and juice in the house and I simply can't afford to have several teen girls who are not my own drinking it all.

I think gentle neighbourhood boundaries are excellent. I also have a no ringing the doorbell before 10am because we had some kids who were showing up at 7am and waking us up...