Period/Underwear ? UPDATE! post 95 - Page 3

[dharmamama]

Thanks to everyone for all the ideas and suggestions. I wish that we could occasionally have issues where it's just "she does A, I respond B, and all's well." Ahhhh, a girl can dream right?

I think that, before I make the leap to disposable underwear, I will offer the soapy-water-in-a-bucket idea to her. I do know that she wears pads because I occasionally find them on the back of the toilet (wrapped, just not discarded). I don't think it's an issue of her not wearing pads. She will tell me when she's running low and needs new ones. I think it's just a matter of leaking, probably at night. When she leaks on her sheets, she washes them (by her own choice), so I am not sure why the underwear doesn't get its fair share of attention.

Also, because she seems to need a concrete consequence (not because I get off on "punishing" her or something), I think that I will also let her know that bloody underwear will be returned to her for a pre-soak. I'll probably buy some Spray&Wash or something similar for her, too. She has a sink and tub in her bathroom, so she can take care of them in there.

[HikeYosemite]

The bucket of soapy water is a good idea, but you probably know that you should make sure it is cold water from the start. Warm or hot water sets blood. I've always pre-soaked my leaks (from night-time) in the bathroom sink in cold water, but that is because I have a bathroom private from the kids. It really helps to scrub the stains with soap. When the bloodstain is out, the underwear or other clothes (if the underwear has stains, then do some of the clothes as well?) can then be washed in warm or hot water if you wish. If Desta wants her underwear to be pretty and clean-looking again--much nicer to wear than underwear with set blood stains--she will want to do this.

My 12-yo son has always hid things he doesn't want to deal with. I'm amazed at the trouble he's gone to, stuffing dirty underwear in remote corners under furniture just to avoid walking down the hall to the hamper. Or leaving candy wrappers behind his bed because he didn't want to walk 10 feet to the trash can in the next room. Maybe I'm wrong, but in his case I also call this "laziness."

[allgirls]

Dharmamama...don't go yet..you haven't heard what I have to say on this

I have a 13 year old who is completely developmentally ok and she does this. I have spoken with her but it doesn't help. With her it's the "surprise, i wasn't expecting that' underwear and the "leaked around the edges" underwear and also pads left unwrapped, on the floor etc.

I am just working with her to get this fixed because it just bothers me and I just feel it has to stop at some point.

I like the part about "soapy water in a bucket" because that's basically what I do except I tell her to throw them in the diaper bucket. We have a laundry room upstairs accross the hall from her bedroom that has a toilet/sink that is basically her washroom. So she is to toss them in the bucket and I wash them with the cloth diapers. She's not 100% but it's better.

so maybe you could give that a try.

I think this is just something some kids do. And something they have to be taught not to do. My oldest would have been mortified had anyone seen her messy underwear, this one doesn't care at all.

Good luck!

[JenBuckyfan]

Ugh I can relate... I got my period the summer before 5th grade and boy did it flow! I would go through pads like there was no tomorrow. I wore those super big ones and I still had problems. Even when I switched to super duper tampons and a pad, at night I would leak. During the time when my period was so heavy, my mom bought another thin mattress pad for my bed that would help protect my mattress, and I would typically put a towel underneath where my bottom half would be to help soak up any leaking. My mom did almost all of my laundry (at least when I was in 5th and 6th grade), but when my underwear would get blood on them, I would rinse them under cold water in the sink to get as much of the blood out as I could. Then I'd hang them over the shower rod so they would dry some and not get everything else in the hamper wet. I was always frustrated about leaking and always nervous that whenever I went anywhere I'd leak (likely stemmed from the fact that the very first day of 5th grade I had my period and thank goodness a red/black dress on as I leaked that day and blood was all over my dress and desk seat -- I'm still embarrassed for myself for that one!). I hated to talk about it with my mom because I was embarrassed that I was ruining my undies - she knew I wasn't trying to though so that helped. I think if you can get her to at least rinse them, as it sounds like you're going to do, that would help. Maybe if she washes her sheets when she's leaked, she can throw in her undies at the same time.

[zipworth]

FWIW, I support you in your desire not to deal with bloody underwear.

[zipworth]

Oh, my mom would haul me into the bathroom on occasion and stand over my should while I rinsed with cold water, and scrubbed with a sunlight laundry bar. Ivory soap works well too. It's actually a very practical-life skill to learn how to remove stains. I find it empowering.

[mammastar2]

FYI, hydrogen peroxide is awesome for bloodstains - my midwife used it, and I find it works really well. It fizzes, too, which is kind of neat and satisfying: fizz, bubble, blood's gone! Don't know if it would help to have a bottle of it in the bathroom for her to use, or if the bucket of cold water is more practical if she would rather just ignore the problem as soon as possible...

[alegna]

oooo... the hydrogen peroxide tip is cool. I should have thought of that

She might like playing with it fizzing...

-Angela

[chiromamma]

Bloody Undies

DH does all our laundry..yes, yes he is a dreamboat!
Anyway, he won't even think of scrubbing bloody pants so DD and I each have a set of period undies and a set of unstained ones.

[heidirk]

Baking soda works too, for stains. My mom never did bloody undies either. I know when I started I was seriously freaked by all that blood. I like the soaking bucket idea too. Maybe one with a lid?

I'd go to Lunapads.com, and look at the little rituals women have for their cloth pads, some are really neat, maybe you can apply them to her undies. Being a recent convert to cloth myself, I find the pretty colors and dark fabrics nice, and much less shocking when soaked. These have a feature where you can peel off the dirty layer and have a fresh surface, maybe that'd work for her even with hiv.

Even though I 'knew' what to expect and my mom never tried to scare me, Getting my period was still pretty traumatic for me, and I leaked all over myself and my seat one day at school too.

[BelovedK]

Several posts have been removed for going off topic, let's please keep this thread to the original topic

[Mrs. Cheerful Face]

There certainly are a lot of inspiring ideas floating around here!!! I was just wondering about her passive aggressive actions. I see her feeling ashamed... and yet angry (on many levels, I'm sure). Perhaps we can retrace our steps? Is it possible to approach this permanant cycling from a place of detachment, yet with honor?
I am thinking of something you two as women could create to restore a sense of reverence and "magic?" Creating connections between you, yet honoring her unique sense of self? I see you mentioned you weren't cycling right now, but maybe you could connect with her about being female and its mystical history, or should I say herstory? Goddess tales are so great for connecting... Maybe you will stumble apon a goddess that speaks to her soul?

If not, why not just do what my friend did for a while and put panties on the grocery list and choose to practice a detatchment about this issue, " I see you don't care to put any thought into this issue right now, so neither will I (all without judgement). Please share with me how we can live together with this issue not creating distance between us. I'm here."

HTH- walk in peace and loving kindness

[JenBuckyfan]

Originally Posted by chiromamma

DH does all our laundry..yes, yes he is a dreamboat!
Anyway, he won't even think of scrubbing bloody pants so DD and I each have a set of period undies and a set of unstained ones.

I'm chiming in again to say that I actually do this for myself. Over time I have some older underwear that I have kept around for the sole purpose of wearing to bed when my period is in residence for the week. If she's not having issues during the day, this would be another option at night so at least she's not going through all of her undies.

[Sk8ermaiden]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

I'm sorry, I don't follow this line of reasoning. You would be embarrassed and ashamed if someone tried to help you figure out the best way to handle your period and care for your clothing? It's not like I came at with an attitude of "How disgusting! Why don't you do something about this??" I used to get my period, too. I know what it's like. I have leaked before. I'd really like to help her with it, and I'd also like to help her keep her underwear from being ruined. I was kind and sensitive about it. Yeah, periods can be embarrassing when you're 13, but ... you learn how to handle it appropriately.

dm

I completely sympathize with the poster you quoted. I have no kiddos, but I was one. I regularly leaked all over. My period was (and is) COMPLETELY irregular, and I never had a clue when it was going to start, so it always took me by surprise. And to be quite honest, even if it was regular, I'd have no clue back then. I wasn't that in tune. Not only that, but it took me a very long time to figure out when I needed to change tampons as my flow would vary greatly from day to day. I wasn't sexually active, so I didn't really care about the stained state of underwear, so long as it was clean.

I would also have been mortified if my mom had brought this up with me. And I do believe she would have if it bothered her. She sure laid into me about leaving pens in my pockets!! I'd say she and I were 50/50 on who did the whole family's washing, and I think once or twice in my many years I might have seen hers in there too. She only soaked them if they were "pretty" ones. It never even occured to me that this might be gross to her! I don't anticipate having any problems with my own daughter's dirty underwear. I don't really think it's that gross.

BUT, momma was the ruler of the roost, and if she had told me not to do it, I would likely have just hoarded them in my room until a week when I was washing that color group and then thrown them in. Because I was doing laundry - not just mine, everyone's. (Oddly enough, my 16-year-old sister has never had to touch the washer.) But if I wanted mom to do my laundry, I would have followed her rules.

I know you've got a lot of ideas here you're going to try now, but I really would like to mention that if my mother brought up my period with one of my friends or a family friend, I would probably never have forgiven her for it. I don't say that lightly either. That is a serious breach of trust and privacy. I can't think of one single time where that would EVER be appropriate. Please don't. I am trying to imagine if that had happened to me at 13 or so, and I believe I would still harbor a grudge. And, most likely, I would not have the adult confidences with her that I do now - I would not trust her not to inform the world - I do not typically allow myself to be twice burned.

I hope you find a workable solution. But the bottom line is that if you want someone else to do your laundry, you have to present it to them in the manner requested.

[Marsupialmom]

dharmamama I want to say I am a dork. I know your banner says your dd is from ethoipa I just dinner process it. I agree on looking into emotional issues.

I would also look into her cultures treatement of menstration could this be a "carry" over and she not realize it?

I do think her helping with the wash will help but think my answer before wasn't realistic or complete for yoursituation.

[PancakeGoddess]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Cheerful Face

If not, why not just do what my friend did for a while and put panties on the grocery list and choose to practice a detatchment about this issue, " I see you don't care to put any thought into this issue right now, so neither will I (all without judgement). Please share with me how we can live together with this issue not creating distance between us. I'm here."

This is what I decided to do with my boys and their socks. Seriously... I could b#tch about missing and dirty socks every. single. day, or I could spend $5 every other month and get over it for a year or so. We have a big basket of singles and make a lot of sock puppets. I'm thinking that might not work with bloody undies (but how's that for a mental image )

sorry! This is the best a boymama can do in a thread like this.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by PancakeGoddess

This is what I decided to do with my boys and their socks. Seriously... I could b#tch about missing and dirty socks every. single. day, or I could spend $5 every other month and get over it for a year or so. We have a big basket of singles and make a lot of sock puppets. I'm thinking that might not work with bloody undies (but how's that for a mental image )

sorry! This is the best a boymama can do in a thread like this.

lol! We had a near sock meltdown this morning. I have two boys and I don't know what on earth happens to their socks. Well, ok the kid in college can find his socks and they aren't too gross. But the young teen boy still has sock issues. This morning he was nearly late for school because supposedly he had no clean socks! Seriously, and he's 14 and we do laundry all the fecking time here. heheh. Finally his Dad thought to fish some out of his snow boots. Thankfully, they weren't wet. lol I still haven't seen a huge difference in kids who are 12 or 11 v. 14 or 15. Depressing? Maybe. lol Now, 17 and 18? Big difference. Huge.

[PancakeGoddess]

boots, brilliant. Fortunately, the boys around here don't even care if their socks match, so as long as we can find two we're set. I just hate finding them in balls all over the house.

[UUMom]

[QUOTE=Mrs. Cheerful Face;10538756
If not, why not just do what my friend did for a while and put panties on the grocery list and choose to practice a detatchment about this issue, " I see you don't care to put any thought into this issue right now, so neither will I (all without judgement). Please share with me how we can live together with this issue not creating distance between us. I'm here."
[/QUOTE]

Wow. I've just put this in my coping toolbox.

[dharmamama]

I have no problem buying her extra underwear, but mainly I don't want her to throw bloody underwear in the laundry!

dm