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Period/Underwear ? UPDATE! post 95 - Page 5

post #81 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by littlemizflava View Post
i had bad periods blood everywhere. i use to put proxide on the blood and wash by hand the biggest habbit it to wash when bathing. i also hate laundry even to this day i am known to do like 9 loads in a day
i dont see this being a problem in my house. my panties dont go in the machine they are hand washed and my dd 5 already knows this and trys to remember to put her panties there too. ok so i started training early. lastly i love my panties all girlie kind once in a washer and runined. ummm so u think it is time to get her some these dont go in washer kind? maybe if she loves them enough she will wash them
I second this idea....I also had/have problems with overflow if I use pads...and I have to sleep on a towel to save my sheets...I own a lot of red undies to avoid the "ruined" appearance that is inevitable, in my case. All the wings and nighttime sized pads don't help. Tampons are great now, but I couldn't use them as a kid. Anyway.....a lot of women are raised hand washing their panties every...single...night in the sink, and then hanging them dry. (Possibly a tradition where scarcity was involved?) Perhaps you could start that tradition with Desta?

xoe
post #82 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
So, I sat down with Desta and I talked to her about the bloody underwear problem. She said that she sometimes leaks at night because the pads aren't big enough, so we got her bigger ones. I explained that it's better for her underwear and also nicer for me if she soaks them before just tossing them into the laundry. I got her a bucket and some nice-smelling liquid soap to soak them in. I asked her to please soak her underwear, and that if she needed more help choosing the correct pads that we could talk about it more.

I went to do the laundry today and there were three pairs of bloody, unsoaked underwear in the hamper.

Now what?

dm
don't wash the underwear.....simply wait for her to come home, explain that this is what you were talking about, and ask her to put them in the soaking bucket. You may have to do it for a couple of months before she remembers. she's a young teen, and she has more on her mind than underwear.

xoe
post #83 of 113
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xoe View Post
Perhaps you could start that tradition with Desta?
I can't even get Desta not to ball up her clothes under her bed when she takes them off. She'd think I was either a) crazy or b) deliberately trying to ruin her life if I suggested she handwash her undies every day.

dm
post #84 of 113
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Xoe View Post
You may have to do it for a couple of months before she remembers. she's a young teen, and she has more on her mind than underwear.
I've been reminding her for a couple of months. That's what started this thread. I am unwilling to spend several more months reminding her. I don't buy the idea that because she's 13 she can't be bothered to remember not to throw bloody underwear in the hamper. The more I think about this, the more I think I should have told her, the third time that this happened (many months ago), that she was now responsible for her own laundry.

dm
post #85 of 113
I think you need to buy a couple boxes of latex gloves, one for the laundry person and one for Desta. You can put them on the back of the toilet and one where you empty the hamper. It's possible she's grossed out by handling them, too (the sheets are big enough you can ball them up and not touch the blood). Anyway, you might find some bloody underwear, but you won't find them by touch anymore.
If they are just thrown in the laundry, I would be worried about transfer to other clothes that don't get pre-treated and get stained. Has that happened? It would be a natural consequence to loose shirts/pants/etc. to transfer stains.

I've done a lot of bloody birth laundry. I always use gloves until I'm sure the the laundry has gotten clean (sometimes it takes more than one wash). I second the peroxide recommendation. I also keep a few bottles of spray and wash (one upstairs in my house and one in the laundry) for quick pretreats.

One more thought - at least you're not finding semen stained panties in the wash.
post #86 of 113
Thread Starter 
So in the end, I left Desta a note that reminded her we had discussed the bloody underwear question "several" times and that if I found any more bloody underwear in the hamper, she would start doing her own laundry. I left the underwear in a bag with the note. She didn't mention it to me but nor did she ignore me for the rest of the day, which would have happened 3 weeks ago, before I started with Love and Logic.

I should have told her this months ago, so we could have avoided these months of her continuing to test me. She responds best when I play a firm hand, as I have discovered recently. Months and months of trying to "work with" her and be mindful of her fragile emotional state and all that yada yada only made our relationship continue to deteriorate. When I started saying, "This is the consequence for doing that," things started to get better.

dm
post #87 of 113
Great news! Sounds like progress.

-Angela
post #88 of 113
I was desperately embarrassed any time I had a leak onto my underwear when I was a kid.

I mean, ashamed. Mortified.

If I got blood on a towel after showering, I was berated for it...as if I wasn't embarrassed enough as it was.

I hid the bloodied items...I didn't want my dad and step-mom to see them. And then, if they found them, they would wave them in my face and tell me how disgusting I was.

I just didn't know what to do prevent the leaks...and no one ever sat down and explained it to me. I didn't know how to do the laundry...I didn't know how to rinse the stains.

I have already taken several opportunities to explain to my 11-yr old the best way to rinse blood-stains out of clothes--in cold water, not hot. I already have her helping me do laundry, not necessarily doing it by herself, but helping me do the sorting and washing and folding.

It has been my experience that girls who seem apathetic about their hygiene and their bodies are more likely to be embarrassed and ashamed than they are just slobs, ya know? Not just my own personal experience, but in talking to my friends and their kids, etc...

Do you have any friends or relatives (aunts, cousins, etc) that could maybe talk to her? Maybe it would be easier for her to hear coming from someone else? I know my kids often respond to their uncle better than they respond to me when we're faced with a stand-off, tense situation.

Is there a way for you to try approaching her from an empathetic position instead of an offensive position? I mean, trust me, I'm not saying that you are wrong for being upset by the situation, but if your goal is to get her to change her behavior and what you've been doing clearly isn't working, maybe trying the radically different approach will help.
post #89 of 113
oh cjanelles that sounds awful for you. It's amazing some of the crap we have to endure as kids, isn't it? I can only hope my kids grow up with a minimum of complaints about me!!!
post #90 of 113
I just wanted to chime in on possible cause since it sounds like you have a workable solution. I got my period when I was in 5th grade and was mortified by having to change my pad at school when none of the other girls had their periods (or so I thought). I would go all day without changing my pad, and I had heavy periods from day 1. So of course I would leak, onto my underwear if not through my pants. My mother, after much exasperation, bought me black pants and underwear, especially for when I had my period, so the blood didn't show. When I got home from school I would soak everything in the sink (at first my mother supervised but once I got the hang of it, she stopped) and then brought it straight down to the laundry pile.

So it's possible it's more than just leaking at night, especially if she's younger than 13 emotionally. It's quite possible she's having a tough time dealing with changing pads at school. Just a thought.

Good luck!
post #91 of 113
There is the whole issue with the fact the child is HIV positive. She simply HAS to be careful with her bloody products. I have no idea how to get that thru to her but hopefully your new approach will work. I also wanted to add you are a super mom and I'm in awe of all you do on a daily basis. I lurk here
post #92 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
I've been reminding her for a couple of months. That's what started this thread. I am unwilling to spend several more months reminding her. I don't buy the idea that because she's 13 she can't be bothered to remember not to throw bloody underwear in the hamper. The more I think about this, the more I think I should have told her, the third time that this happened (many months ago), that she was now responsible for her own laundry.

dm
Awwww.....I didn't realize that reminding her to put the clothes in the water pail would be included in reminding her for months. Sorry things have been so hard for you-- because I'm basically a the type that thinks giving a whole lot of reminders can often send the message that you don't really mean what you say, or you don't think your child has to do it the first/second time you ask. Whatever the case, I hope you find a good solution. The hiding/hoarding issues can be pretty intractable problems. I mentioned I used to own a lot of red undies to deal with my own spillage problems. Perhaps red or brightly colored undies for Desta will make them easier for YOU to spot when you are sorting laundry?

Best wishes. I love your blog!

xoe

P.S.-- just saw that you came up with a pretty good solution! Good for you!
post #93 of 113
Well, I mean, it *is* pretty rude to expect your mother to wash blood out of your underwear on a frequent basis. I'm 20, so not that far out of teenagedom, and while I did my entire family's laundry from the time I was ten, I'd never have expected this of my mother.
post #94 of 113
Thread Starter 
Well, we did end up addressing this in our intensive therapy sessions, and it did make Desta very angry that I had told them about it.

However, they framed it in terms of a "being in the family in a positive way" issue, and they told Desta that kids who come to their (attachment therapy) program who pull laundry shenanigans get to do their own laundry.

dm
post #95 of 113
Great news. I hope the new therapy is helping too.

-Angela
post #96 of 113
I didn't read this whole post with things you tried/didn't.. but I kind of disagree with how you handled the situation. It has to be hard enough feeling kind of outside the family, but then to get what I'm sure she feels as being picked on for having some accidents.. I'm sure she isn't feeling the love. I had the same problem sometimes when I was a teen. It's hard to keep up with when it comes, how heavy it may or may not be, what to expect each time, how to prepare, how to stay clean.. eventually she will hit the mark and understand her body and also want to care for herself in that way. I understand with her having HIV that it's pretty dangerous for this to occur but just be a little more sensitive maybe. Not like you're put out by it but more like I'm sorry I know this sucks and talk to her like you want to help HER, not get rid of your "gross" problem on laundry day.

I don't mean to sound mean at all, I just know how she feels.
post #97 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennifer_lc1 View Post
I didn't read this whole post with things you tried/didn't.. but I kind of disagree with how you handled the situation. <snip>
You really should read this entire thread, and then head over to adoptive parenting and read her other thread.
post #98 of 113
I just want to say that DM is an AMAZING mother and an awesome poster. Would that I had half of her on-line self-possession.
post #99 of 113
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennifer_lc1 View Post
I didn't read this whole post with things you tried/didn't.. but I kind of disagree with how you handled the situation.
Yeah...you should probably read the whole thread before you decide that you're not in favor of how the OP handled the situation. You can miss a lot in 95 posts...
post #100 of 113
I've read the entire thread and I think its a bit weird that so many of you had to do your whole family's laundry since you were kids and think that's ok but someone doing their child's laundry is strange? Don't get me wrong, bloody underwear is gross but these things happen.

If someone doesn't agree with a long term poster, that should be up to them. People suddenly posting about what a great mom DM is to her kids is a bit childish really. I can think people are great mom's without agreeing with everything they do.

Please don't attack me for this just because I don't post often. I read here a lot.
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Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Period/Underwear ? UPDATE! post 95