MIL will not stop buying for DS - WWYD? - Page 2

[Ruthla]

Originally Posted by AmyB

If I ask her NOT to buy something (i.e. Disney logo products, skanky baby clothes, electronic toys that make irritating noises..) she deliberately goes out and buys exactly those things.

Tell her you don't want any handmade wooden toys or clothing made from natural fibers.

[anthasam]

Originally Posted by mbhf

Leave the stuff at her house. My MIL has a whole room full of stuff for us to take home "when we have room in the car" We do live far away though, and I'm sure that makes a difference. Maybe bring over a little basket or something and say it would be perfect to keep all of the little gifts she gives in at her house for your child to play with while he's there.

This method helps us -- and my MIL only lives 8 miles away! We've told her from the beginning: If it's not something we "approve" of or want at our house, it stays at hers. She has more toys at her house than we do here, I think

But, it's only part of the problem. She still buys and buys and gives and gives and it is TOO MUCH. For her, EVERY holiday is a gift-giving occasion. We need to remind her quite often to stop.

We even suggested that every time she wants to buy something, she should look at the price tag and put that amount of money into an account for DD. She said, "Yeah" and still buys junk :

[lucyem]

My mother does this. We just ignore it. I throw a fair amount of it or donate what I can. If there was any way to direct my mother I would. At least it sounds like you have the ability to direct a little since your MIL actually asks. Thats a good thing. I am sorry I do not have better advice.

[Dabble]

Another load of great advice here!

Thank you LaughingHyena, for the piggy bank suggestion. He actually already has a piggy bank, but DH asked her to bring along any loose change she had so she could watch him put it in his piggy bank, and she was quite delighted at that idea. Maybe that will steer her from feeling like she should buy some token piece of what DH calls "future garbage."

The other suggestion of art supplies did spark an idea for one thing he doesn't have - fingerpaints - so we asked for those too. I hope that's enough to keep her on track.

She definitely would never buy underwear or toothbrushes because they are "too boring" and far too practical, even though I would much prefer she did. She would also never buy any type of food, even if it is a rare treat. I am still trying to figure out exactly what her parameters and reasonings are for what she will and will not buy. I probably will never crack the code.

And thank you bwylde for posting the link to your blog, which subsequently led to the "stuff" video with Annie Leonard. It was very good - any exactly what I'm talking about with hating the process of using natural resources and sacrificing people all along the way to bring some cheap toy into my home, just so it can end up broken and in a landfill within weeks. It drives me crazy! That video explained the process very well.

I hope the crisis is averted for this one minor holiday - and I hope to avoid disaster in the future by applying some of these ideas. Big thanks to all!

[muppet729]

Are you sure we don't have the same MIL?

I have had to do the "leave it at your house" thing. Even if my dd wants to bring it home and I don't want to argue with her, I will sneak it back over there. Eventually she realizes how much stuff she has and ends up getting rid of her own stuff. It doesn't stop her from bringing things over- and yes, we've had the "we don't want our dc to assume that she's going to get something every time..." talk, but to no avail. My kids are #19 and #20 in the grandchildren list and all the grandchildren get the same treatment- seh just sees mine more.

I also do the specific asking thing- she likes that although we still get the junk too. Her heart is in the right place but I agree with teh pp about her feeling like the kids will love her more if she brings them stuff. In my MIL's case, she also grew up in the poor hills of MO so having things is kind of a sign of how far she's come- even if it is junk!

How about a stamp collection? or a coin collection? It wouldn't have to take up much space and would be specific. :d Might be worth something someday!

[Peppermint Leaf]

Here is another suggestion: My DS always loved stories on tapes (books on tapes) .... He has loved them since he was only 2 years old and now has a great collection. They don't take up too much room and its far better than watching tv.

[cjanelles]

Oh man, do I hear you. I totally understand. I mean, I really, really get it, and you have my deepest compassion. LOL

I have this problem with my kids' grandmother (my ex's mom).

She is a terrible shopaholic. I mean, BIG TIME.

She is forever buying clothes and trinkets and just STUFF for my kids. Gadgets and candles and STUFF for our household.

She is empty inside and the only way she knows how to show love is through things.


I have tried talking to her, asking her please not to buy so much stuff. Being appreciative for all of her help (I haven't had to buy clothes for my kids in years), but asking that she not overdo it on the amount. I've tried "Tough Love" and insisting that she not buy one more thing for the kids without my permission. When that took a nose-dive, I changed it up, requesting that anything she purchased for the kids be kept at her house...clothes, trinkets, junk, etc.

Because she associates things and giving them (because she had NOTHING when she was a child--no things, no love, no loving family), it hurts her feelings when I suggest to her that she stop buying. It is as if we're telling her to stop loving us.

I accept that this is who she is. I understand that there is nothing I can do to change her. I have learned that the only person I can change is myself, and that I am simply wasting my time trying to change her behavior--which has taken her a lifetime to turn into personality and habit.

So, instead, I simply accept who she is. I accept what she sends home with a smile. I use what we need. I store what we might need in the near future (clothes that are maybe a bit too big, seasonal shoes that were on sale). The rest, I pass on...I give it to friends and other family who need or could use it. If there is no one in my immediate circle that can use it, I donate it o charity...local womens/childrens shelter, homeless shelters, etc.

Like I said, I can totally empathize with your situation and your frustration, truly and hoenstly, I totally get it...and I wish there was some way you could change your MIL, but I know, know, know from personal experience that that's not going to happen, and so do what you can actually control and figure out the best management system in your house for moving the stuff through...

[HipGal]

I think some people just really love to shop! And buying for the grandkids is an easy way to shop without feeling guilty. And there is a lot of inexpensive (and/or crappy) and cute things in the stores for kids. And they are on Sale!

Also, some people do show their love by giving things. It is one of their "love languages" (according to a book I read awhile back - "The 5 Love Languages" or something like that). If you aren't that into gifts, you probably have a different "love language" (a different way of showing someone you love them or wanting people to show you they love you). You may prefer spending quality time with someone or having long talks.

If it is a "love to shop" situation, you may not be able to do too much - especially if they aren't swayed by what your preferences are. Maybe there is something you would like that would still seem like "spoiling" them. Like something you couldn't afford to get them all at once, but she could get piece by piece (like wooden animals or wooden playfood).

If it is a "love language" thing, then she will always want to give something, but it could be a book or a special pencil or some blueberries or stickers or a special note. The piggy bank money idea is very cute!

I've seen this issue come up a lot and I don't remember anyone ever finding a solution!

[gratefulbambina]

I didn't read all the other replies. I have also given up for the most part. I let my kids play with it for a few days then put it in a Freecycle box and give it to someone that wants it

[HipGal]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Tell her you don't want any handmade wooden toys or clothing made from natural fibers.

[mommaof3boz]

Your mother/MIL's shopping problem cannot become your problem. Feel NO GUILT about packing it right up and taking it to goodwill/sa or simply trashing it. Even if she wasn't buying you junk and wasting money on it, she'd be buying other stuff and wasting money. You are wasting your breath telling them NO because in their minds they have no comphrension of what you really mean. They CANNOT phanthom why anyone wouldn't want all that stuff. Shopping is an addiction same as drinking or smoking. It is a high in itself.

Let go of every ounce of guilt about getting rid of stuff you didn't want, need, ask for or have room for. It is not your job to make your parents "feel good" at your own family's expense. You can simply tell them...you may buy what you want but I am only keeping what I want.

[lanamommyphd07]

In my spare room I have the standard boxes--give away, regift, etc... But now I have another--it's the "some wingnut just gave my kid yet another piece of useless whatever and when this box is full I will redistribute it". Despite the fact that I explicitly said "no stuffies. no plush. no dust-allergan-mucous-collecting goo ball furry items that the dog will disembowel", there are at least 8 of them in there. jeeeeeeeez. I told the family about our winter holiday plans for dd's childhood--one gift to each family member, homemade or used only. With all the special little holidays we celebrate throughout december, there is absolutely no need for an American Christmas at our house. But grandma? She's devastated over the idea. I told her she could get one and only one thing for the babe next year, but spread the rest over the year, right? She's spreading already......I take photos. Then all gone. But to her credit she did get dd a totally fabulous ride-on toy. It's beautiful....

[Maddy123]

My MIL is very comfortable financially, yet she is addicted to shopping *cheap* and passing on lots of crap to my kids. She buys things off the clearance racks at Walmart (regular Walmart prices are too high ) and the like. She has never acted on my hints about one nice gift each child would appreciate, like some American Girl thing for my daughter, for example. Instead, it's cheap or inappropriate stuff (like a preschool puzzle for an 11 year old) that gets donated. I bet my kids cannot even remember any of their gifts--too numerous and junky for memory. The last 3 Christmases she has been adding to a "collection" (that she started) of made-in-China nutcrackers. The kids are not interested--she has just decided to do this because she buys them for a couple dollars after Xmas, and saves them for the following Xmas. This year, I suggested that we are running out of room for the nutcrackers and maybe the kids didn't need any more. (They are BIG, too!). I didn't say anything for the first 4 years...

I know giving gifts makes her happy. But honestly, it doesn't seem to be out of love for the kids exactly. More like that she has multiple things to give them and it doesn't matter to her if the gift fits the child. At all. (There are lots of other issues with my MIL--she is not a good person and so this also influences my thinking).

Sorry to go on! I have never figured out a solution. Meanwhile, I feel as though I am implicated in adding to landfills (though I donate everything, I'm sure some of it ends up as trash). Sigh.

[MommytoTwo]

Can you ask for more consumable things - like crayons, paint, play doh etc?

[Purplehaze]

Make a list....

think of every natural or organic thing you would like Ds and future babe to have so you can give this woman "something" to buy since she is not gonna take no for an answer, you might as well have a list.

Does she catalog shop? If so order her every catalog that you think you would like toys from- Magic cabin and Heathsong, Rosie Hippo and stuff like that.... botyh coming to you and here. When you get your copy- go thru and circle what would be nice for DS then when she asks- you can tell her. Also think *up* a size in clothing (like the next size up) . This took some fineggeling but I was able to convince my mom (like that) to get my kids nice fleece LL Bean jackets with cute pictures ont hem and the same with rain coats and boots. my mom won't go for the clothing unless it has something CUTE on it- like lizzards for DS or flowers or something that I tell her my kids would really like... Now my mom is into getting DD the Hanna Anderson play dress sets each Christmas. That works for me.... but think UP a size if you already have enough stuff in the current sizing. I have also asked mom to get kids shoes but again, it has to be something she thinks is "cute" and "special" like Robeeze with cute things on them... she won't just buy plain solid colored turtlenecks... : ( but she will buy swim suits (Easter) and sleep wear for them if she thinks it is something they are into...

But if she is gonna do this any way, don't let it fill your home with crap, let it fill your home with good things you will enjoy seeing your children in and playing with... that when they are done with them at least you stand a chance of having something worth passing on or reselling- like the HA play dresses...

Does she do any crafts? If so tap into that too. Look for patterns in her chosen craft of things you would like for the kids- cute wool sweaters, mittens :, longies- or sewn things like quilts.... Keep telling her that you are trying to teach the kids "giving from the heart"....


Good luck, I know this is frustrating. My oldest is 12, thankfully he LOVES books so now mom takes him to the book store.... Keep working at it tho, it is worth it and realize she is probably not gonna stop it, so you might as well steer her to what is useful...

Oh one last thought- ask her for Christmas, or what ever major holiday you celebrate, for something like a family membership to something that you can take her with you (once or twice) and she can see the kids having fun- take a pic of them there and send it to her as a thank you and really, really stress how much you enjoy that!

[stellimamo]

Is there anyway she might buy a membership to the zoo or a musuem instead and could take your kids there so she is still getting enjoyment from the gift? My parents gave us a zoo membership and we all love it. It's the gift that truely keeps on giving.

[Kristeremy]

I have this problem, too. We return or donate, but I'm beginning to resent telling my nearly 4yo why she can't have stuff.

It's definitely like some of you. My mom is convinced that we're denying dd of so many wonderful crap toys.

So what do you tell the kids? I feel really mean telling her she can't have things that she is excited about, and I feel sneaky getting rid of them without telling her (though that's what we've been doing).

Thoughts?

[Mumse]

I hear you! My husband's mother, his grandmother, his brother, my sister and my own mother ALL do this!!

Sometimes their gifts are slightly appropriate, mostly not. In our case, we have a situation of competing values -- in addition to valuing conservation, fair trade, moderation, etc., we want to teach our children to respect and honor parents (by showing that we honoring our own), and to have compassion (by recognizing that different people have different issues and then loving them anyway), etc. So, we try to give suggestions about types of gifts (and non physical gifts -- like taking them to the park, etc.), and that we'd prefer not to have certain items in our home. We regift, donate, recycle as appropriate.

We also try not to offend the family. One of the most important gifts *we* can give our kids is a strong healthy relationship with their family -- not just Mom and Dad, but the whole gang.

So, in large part, out solution is to wait, patiently, for our little kids to get older, since the family no longer drowns the older kids in silly stuff, we're pretty sure they (the grandparents, etc.) will "outgrow" this habit as our little kids get older.

[Meg_s]

Originally Posted by Chimpmandee

My MIL really means well, but she is something of a shop-aholic. She has no money, very unsteady employment, and chronic health problems. She feels like she needs to buy our two year old DS something every time she sees him, which is quite often.

Most of the time, it's junk, a duplicate of something he already has, clothes that don't fit him, or just really odd things, like a decorative pillow from Pier One, that I guess he is supposed to keep on his bed?? She refuses to buy anything "practical" that we suggest, like if he needs more bibs or sippy cups, because she wants to see him play with her gift.

Tonight she called to ask what he's "into" so she could get him something for Valentine's Day. DH told her that he needs nothing, that we are trying to simplify and declutter before the new baby arrives, and to please not buy him anything. She brushed him off and said she would look around for some small token thing to give him, so she clearly missed the point. He re-emphasized, please, do not get him anything, and she replied "I'm the grandma, I can do whatever I want."

It's frustrating for me because I hate to be wasteful. If she gives us something we don't like or can't use, we donate it to charity, but she just keeps it coming. She is also the type of person who likes to tell you what you should do with the gift she gave you, like where you should put it, or how it should be displayed, which is really irritating.

How would you handle this situation? Knowing that she is my husband's mother and that she lives close by requires us to keep the relationship intact, but I don't know how much more of this I can stand.

OMG!! You described our situation exactly! EXACTLY...even up to the age of the boy, and the job health conditions etc!! Ok.. on to read the responses.

[ColoradoMama]

Here's a spin on the piggy bank idea. What about if you suggest to her that she could start a savings account for your ds? I mean, she could have her name on it and everything. She could take him to the bank to make deposits (my kids love to do that). Some banks (Wells Fargo) give the kids the little bank bucks that they can save. When they get to, I think, a hundred they can get a savings bond. She can help him save up for big things like a bike or maybe he's too young for that, but you can help him find something that he wants to save up for.