how to teach good manners about use of words

[lightheart]

see post 14 and 17 too about this one and how my thoughts progressed with other folks' help...
everyone is great around here for helping you see things in a more positive way, Thanks!



okay mamas please help me out here, how do you explain to a 4 and 5 year old that they should not say

"you have a fat body"

older son said this to a lady yesterday, it really floored me, he truely did not do this to be mean, it was like he made an observation and it just came out of his mouth. The lady works closely with kids preschool age to 5th grade and has worked with my son since he was 3 so it's not like he just walked up to a total stranger.... which I know really doesn't make any sense, he shouldn't be saying things like that to anyone but at least she knows that he's not just a mouthy kid with no manners whatsoever.

I took him out of the room explained to him that this was bad thing to say to people and that the word fat should never be used to describe a person and that he needed to go appologize..... he did, sorta, with me doing the most talking, he was in tears, he knew he had done something wrong but I don't think he really 'got it' because on the way home in the car he said when I put my coat on it makes me fat.....

Me and hubby talked about it, he's out of town right now so it's not we can sit down together and talk to the kids plus my opinion on the way to explain is different from dad's so I'm really confused.... and the way I did explain it wasn't really the right way, even I know that now thinkingabout it.....

In the car I told him fat was a bad word like @#@# and @#@#@, 2 explicatives that he knows are bad bad and never should be said... but then today in his little 4 page reader

Cam is a cat.
Cam is fat!
Cam can play in a hat.
Cam can play with a cap.

HELP! what do I do? How do I explain the differences?

[OhDang]

Hmm thats really tough, to make them understand the difference. I tell my 7 year old little sister that if you call someone fat, it hurts their feelings even if you don't mean to. She pretty much got it, sorry i dont have any more advice. But wow, out of the mouths of babes right! lol

[TrippyLongstocking]

yah thats a hard one.
my son has done it to people, including once in shoppers drug mart when he looked at a very large woman and exclaimed "MOMMY THAT WOMAN IS SO HUGE! SHES THREE TIMES THE SIZE OF YOU!"
the woman heard and laughed out loud !
Im glad she had a sense of humour about it.
I just tell my little dude that it might hurt peoples feelings to be called fat or even to tell them something about themselves at all so it is best not to do it unless you know the person very very well first.
I don't want to take anything away from him.. who knows maybe one day he will become a great motivational speaker, spurting out harsh realities to people could work!

[amcal]

I don't tell my child that fat is a bad word but I do teach them that it's not really polite to make comments about people's appearance. I try to explain that it's one thing to say something like "that's a pretty red had" and how it's different from commenting about how a person's body looks. It's a hard distinction and one that requires constant reinforcement.

That being said, my kids do it to me as well - they ask why my belly is so flabby or if I'm healthy because I have a big tummy etc.... I try to use that as an opportunity to explain to them that everyone is different - every body looks different and they're all beautiful.

[MtBikeLover]

My DS once told me his sister was fat, right in front of her. She did have a big belly because we were dealing with constipation issues. I just explained to him that it isn't really nice to use the word fat when describing someone because it might make them feel bad. He was 4.5 at the time and got it right away.

[Fuamami]

I have just told my children that people don't like it when we loudly describe them or talk about them, and that if they notice something different about them, they should just keep it to themselves or tell me very quietly.

Some examples of the things my kids have noticed:

"Look at that brown guy!"
"Mommy, look at that lady's hair!"
"What's on that lady's face?!?"

Aww, kids. They're so embarrassing.

One day, there was some guy showing off doing pull-ups at the park with his shirt off, and dd yelled at the top of her lungs, "Look at that maaahhhnn!"

[claras_mom]

Well, the example with the rhyme about the fat cat points to the real issue. As pp have sort of said already, it's more about learning the finer social points of language--that in this culture, at least, it's not nice to call someone fat.

[Sage_SS]

this is how I explained it to my girls

Yes, people are fat. But maybe they don't like being fat. Just like when you wake up in the morning and your hair is really messy, you don't like people telling you that you look like a slob. It can hurt someone's feelings. So while we might think these things inside our heads, its not ok to let our thoughts go out of our mouths. Its never ok to hurt someone's feelings.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Sage_SS

this is how I explained it to my girls

Yes, people are fat. But maybe they don't like being fat. Just like when you wake up in the morning and your hair is really messy, you don't like people telling you that you look like a slob. It can hurt someone's feelings. So while we might think these things inside our heads, its not ok to let our thoughts go out of our mouths. Its never ok to hurt someone's feelings.

I like this. I'm going to try to remember it.

I also like the "if you notice something different about someone, tell me very very quietly"

[griffin2004]

Fat is not a bad word, but it can be used in a bad way that is hurtful and cruel. Some people are fine with being fat; others aren't. It's safer to assume that the fat person--or any person for that matter--being commented on would rather not be commented on.

How about a discussion of "people come in all shapes and sizes and we don't comment on them in public; it's fine to say something to me privately or at home"

[tankgirl73]

I like the approach of it not being a bad word, but that it can be used in a bad way. There are a LOT of words like that.

DS would also say "that brown lady" ... I thought it was actually kind of cute, to him it was just a matter-of-fact description of how to differentiate which lady he was referring to...

[One_Girl]

I tell my daughter that it is not polite to make comments about people loudly or to them if it is about a difference that she notices and when she slips and makes one I remind her that it isn't polite and to whisper it to me or tell me in the car. I have gone over a few examples and told her that certain comments might hurt a persons feelings whereas the cat or dog don't really care if they are fat or have a mole growing hair on their body or something else like that.

[sunnmama]

Sometimes, in these awkward moments, I've been able to recover gracefully by responding "Isn't it wonderful how people come in so many beautiful [sizes, colors, etc]!"

[lightheart]

thanks everyone for all your insight, I've decided to start calling this word and others like it "hurtful words" One that you have to think about before you use. that you can use it but you have to take a minute to think will it hurt someone's feeling if you do.

I wished they made an instruction manual for kids...

[griffin2004]

Please be careful of the fat = bad attitude. It can cause so many problems for youth and teens, especially since they're bombarded with that message at every turn in our delightful society.

I'm a fat person, but I've read here from many skinny women that the "omg, are you anorexic?!!?" comments are just as cutting. To be honest, it's been eye-opening for me.

I think the key is to celebrate the differences.

[SleepyMamaBear]

Originally Posted by lightheart

thanks everyone for all your insight, I've decided to start calling this word and others like it "hurtful words" One that you have to think about before you use. that you can use it but you have to take a minute to think will it hurt someone's feeling if you do.

I wished they made an instruction manual for kids...

thats a good way of putting it.
however i have a BIG problem with fat being a "bad word" its not a bad thing to BE fat. and as a fat woman i know the difference between an innocent child making an observation, and a brat being mean. just cause i am fat doesnt make me daft!
maybe a talk about how certain words that describe people could sometimes make people feel a little sad inside when we use them out loud, so its best to keep those observations inside, until we are in private.
now, if a child said something like "eww gross, look how fat that big woman is, she is a whale!" etc, then i would think badly about the parents for exposing their children to that kind of harsh judgement on people based on appearances.
but if a child just makes an innocent observation its taken as just that.
hell, us fat people, we KNOW we are fat mmmkay? no need to skirt around it.

[lightheart]

I changed the title on this thread to "how to teach good manners about the use of words" I think that is what I was really trying to ask instead of a word being 'bad'


what's kinda ironic is our younger son has 'dysmorphic features' or 'physical anomilies' - 4 toes on the one foot, split and missing toe and finger nails, 2 fingers partially joined, skin that is thin and underdeveloped and not once did I think to use this as an anology.... we always say to the boys and others, that's just the way his ___ is, that's just him.