Feeling Guilty - Page 2

[hipmummy]

On that note checl out this advice colunm add on msanbc. Does not help lactavist at all but interesting. Never thought so many mama's "promoted" breastfeeding. I think the author had more guilt than anything. I am unde the auspice that NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY. Guilt is something we manifest within ourselves. Here is the link
http://www.slate.com/id/2184251/?GT1=10935

[PatioGardener]

Originally Posted by angelcat

The the response should be, "oh, I'm sorry it didn't work out for you" Don't say anything to indicate you don't believe them. Questioning them is rude. it is not your business.

I hated being questioned by people I barely knew when I'd get my daughter's bottle out. I was already dealing with ppd, so people implying I 'just didn't try hard enough" REALLY hurt. I tried soo hard! I won't type out the story becasue I STILL cry when I remember how hard it was, and how it didn't work out.

Again, context is so important! I never question a mother as to what she is feeding her baby in a bottle! That is not my business!

The only way a mom would ever tell me that she formula feeds/fed is when she initiates the conversation, and in that case obviously we wouldn't be complete strangers. So then it is my business. She knows of my interest in breastfeeding and she's told me that she couldn't. That's the start of a conversation. If she is interested and I can help her to locate the support to help her with breastfeeding her next child, then I'm happy to do so. Breastfeeding isn't possible for many women because they get crappy advice from medical staff (and 'baby training' books). Never did I say anywhere that I didn't believe the mother or that I implied that she just didn't work hard enough for it.

I'm really sorry that you had such a difficult time and felt judged by people because you didn't breastfeed. That must be painful.

[PatioGardener]

Originally Posted by Kierdan'sMom

I think in your first situation you mentioned that you could say something along the lines of "Well, in a baby that doesn't have need of supplements due to medical reasons or such, one bottle really can have serious consequences..."

That's a nice way to phrase it - I'll remember it, thanks!

[gini1313]

Originally Posted by Kierdan'sMom

I think in your first situation you mentioned that you could say something along the lines of "Well, in a baby that doesn't have need of supplements due to medical reasons or such, one bottle really can have serious consequences..." and mention the risks. It shows an understanding that not all mothers can BF or can BF 100% without acknowledging that FF by choice is okay. .

But, in the first situation, she was not talking to the ff mom, she was talking to a mom who wanted to defend her exclusive breastfeeding to others. I think you did not do anything offensive, as you weren't talking to the other mom. I would have just let her know that you did not mean to offend, and that her situation is different than the one you were discussing.

The only thing I would do different is not say formula is "bad." Sub optimal, maybe, but I would focus more on what the differences are. Saying formula is bad is not very specific and leaves you open to others being able to point out situations where it is not bad (as they have in this post). There are very few things in this world that are truely always "bad."

I don't have any IRL friends who ff, but have some on line friends who do, and alot of co workers who do. Only one of them has ever been offended, and just the act of my pumping (in the pumping room during a regularly scheduled break) offended her. I never initiated a discussion about breastfeeding with her, although I answered questions when she asked a few times. She felt guilty about formula feeding, and therefore, just the fact that I was breastfeeding gave her guilt, I think. I don't mind letting my ff friends kind of think of me as the "crazy breastfeeding lady," though, so when/if I spout off about breastfeeding, they just laugh and let it go. It does make it well known that I know quite a bit about it, and they tell people to talk to me if they need info about it... I think you can have different beliefs, and talk about them without being judgmental or feeling judged.

[RoadWorkAhead]

No, she wasn't talking directly to, but she's looking for ways to avoid the situation and thats one. Because seriously, if I overheard a lactivist say "Formula is bad, sub optimal, etc" without a caveat of medical necessity I'd have a hey day explaining to them the damage they do to the cause with an attitude like that. Sometimes the person who might hear us is more important than the person we are speaking to.

[FoxintheSnow]

"Im really passionate about bfing when it's possible, so if you ever need any help or have questions, I'll do whatever I can to help"

Is a nice and productive thing to say, imo

[RoadWorkAhead]

I love that line Jokermama. Great one!

[merry-mary]

Originally Posted by wildflower18

I'm struggling with how to promote breastfeeding without offending those who formula feed (due to low supply or even by choice). Experiences or suggestions welcome to help alleviate my guilt for making someone else feel guilty.

Simply put: be honest, be knowledgeable and be kind. That's it. Breast feeding and formula feeding, like nearly everything else related to our babies, are bound to raise people's emotions and make them feel defensive or judged. It happens. Just read the responses to this thread. I'm not singling people out; it's just a touchy subject and each of us brings our own unique experiences to it. So, IMO, the best thing you can do is just to put your thoughts out there. If you offend someone or hurt her feelings or make her feel guilty, then by all means try to understand why what you said brought up her feelings, but I don't think there is much you can do about avoiding it.

Unless you're being cruel or dismissive of a mother who formula fed for whatever reason or equate formula feeding with being a "bad" parent, I don't think there is anything you should feel guilty for.

[PatioGardener]

Originally Posted by Jokerama

"Im really passionate about bfing when it's possible, so if you ever need any help or have questions, I'll do whatever I can to help"

Is a nice and productive thing to say, imo

This is great too!

[wildflower18]

Originally Posted by Kierdan'sMom

No, she wasn't talking directly to, but she's looking for ways to avoid the situation and thats one. Because seriously, if I overheard a lactivist say "Formula is bad, sub optimal, etc" without a caveat of medical necessity I'd have a hey day explaining to them the damage they do to the cause with an attitude like that. Sometimes the person who might hear us is more important than the person we are speaking to.

I think that is the message that I am taking away from this discussion. I'm seeing that to be a lactivist, it is best to consider the broader view in order to make significant change.

I appreciate greatly the ability to have an open discussion with women who BF, supplement or FF about this issue as it has helped me to come to some sort of consensus in my own mind to feel more at peace without feeling defensive. Making my fuax pas has helped me to understand at a greater level the breast is best campaign and FF debate. I feel the next time I will be able to approach this issue with more tact and knowledge. Thank you EVERYONE!!

[Bellejar]

I have found you will always offend someone no matter how much you walk on eggshells. Just putting good reliable information out into the fray seems to be the way to go.

Also I think it is a great thing to model breastfeeding in public (the best form of lactivism). THe more people see it the more normal it is. I also tend to encourage people to breastfeed in any manner that suits them. If they want to supplement at some point, although it may effect their supply, I don't give mothers a hard time about it. I think supporting any breastfeeding is good. It's better the baby gets some than none.

[ruhbehka]

Originally Posted by wildflower18

I offered info about the risks of formula - albeit stating that it's not just that breast is best, but if you turn that slogan around, formula is bad for babies. Someone who has had legitimate supply issues overheard the conversation and was offended.

Originally Posted by APmomto3boys

uh, I have been in that situation 100 times. Sad thing is, no matter what you say, that type of person will still be offended. They want you to say "its okay that you use formula" but some of us don't feel that way.

I'm not "that type of person," because frankly, I wouldn't have been offended, just rolled my eyes. But I'm curious... what exactly do you "feel" is "okay" for a mother who has "legitimate supply issues" to supplement with? Is formula never "okay" in your opinion?

My son and I have to be on an extremely strict elimination diet (no casein, not even trace amounts, and no gluten). In addition, we supplement with formula (Neocate, at $50 per 14 oz can, $500+ per month).

I would have happily accepted donor milk from a friend; none had enough milk to share (we needed nearly 65% supplementation at our best time, and now we need about 95%).

Even if a friend who was also on a dairy-free diet (let's forget about gluten for a minute) was willing and able to provide us with that much additional milk, none of my friends on dairy-free diets had to be as strict about it as we have to be. They could eat items produced on the same lines as other milk-containing products, etc. My son will vomit up every last drop of milk, if it contains even that minute amount of milk.

In addition, gluten seems to produce bizarre neurological symptoms in him. At one point, he was also very sensitive to soy and eggs (vomiting, all night waking, all day crying, etc.)

Raw cow's milk, raw goat's milk, and raw sheep's milk all make him vomit.

Formula was obviously our last choice for supplementation. And I don't really care whether some random person thinks it's "okay" or not to give him. But I do think it's kind of misplaced to assume that a mother who is legitimately supplementing with formula is "that type of person" who gets overly offended, when there are clearly people walking around claiming that formula is never okay, and that there are always other options that would be superior.

[katheek77]

Rebecca,

I'm so sorry for the trials you have gone through. I know that I'm very lucky to have a DD who is easily able to switch between regular (ie...non-elimination bm) and Target brand formula.

I do think there are some people who will always believe that if we just tried. a. little. harder. everything would have been fine. But, IME, a lot of people, once I've explained our particular circumstance (when given the opportunity, which isn't always), have completely reversed their attitude.

I also understand that "other" suppl. is not always an option. I don't know any b/fing mothers other than a good friend of mine who is BFAR and supp'ing herself. We don't have $3/ounce (at the rate of 8-16oz/day NOW, much more earlier on) to spend on bm.

It's horrible that you've encountered those judgmental people. I sympathize, and I partly understand the struggle you've gone through, and I sincerely commend you and am awe of you for doing everything you do.

[MarcyC]

As a mom with a tongue-tied baby, resulting in low supply, even I recognize that breast is best and try to promote breastfeeding whenever possible. Tell that mom that you were trying to encourage your pg. friend to do what was best, but also reassure her that she's done everything she can and her baby will be loved. I mean, if an LC suggested formula (hopefully it was a good LC) then formula is probably needed in her case. You can explain to your pg. friend that such cases are rare, but that is what formula was made for.

[ruhbehka]

Originally Posted by MarcyC

As a mom with a tongue-tied baby, resulting in low supply, even I recognize that breast is best and try to promote breastfeeding whenever possible. Tell that mom that you were trying to encourage your pg. friend to do what was best, but also reassure her that she's done everything she can and her baby will be loved. I mean, if an LC suggested formula (hopefully it was a good LC) then formula is probably needed in her case. You can explain to your pg. friend that such cases are rare, but that is what formula was made for.

:

I'd also avoid stating to any mother that formula is bad for babies, but perhaps that it is inferior to breastmilk and can change the flora of an exclusively breastfed baby's gut in negative ways. I'd say something along the lines that it has its place, but it really isn't a good thing to give to a baby if breastmilk is available, even a single bottle of it.