Anyone have to deal with family wanting to be at the birth?

[APMomOfKimmyN-Maya]

We are planning an unassisted homebirth and I mostly just want it to be me and my partner here through it and hopefully my girls will either be sleeping or behaving.....I feel really strongly that I only want it to be us for the actual birth so that I don't have to feel self conscious about anything and so I can run my own show.....

My mother is really into this whole homebirth idea now that I've spent my entire pregnancy talking to her about it, and she is starting to make more and more comments as I approach my due date about how she is hoping to be there even though I feel I've made it pretty clear I just want it to be our little family. I have told her that we are going to take video and that she will be able to see everything on the video but she still seems to be commenting and hoping something will change last minute. Part of me wants to have a very clear conversation with her and let her know in no uncertain terms what my plans are and talk to her about how she feels about it, and the other part of me just wants to avoid the subject and hope that once baby is here and she has the video she will be "over it"....

I am feeling sensitive to her desires since I know I would love to be at my own grandchild's birth but I am also feeling selfish in that I want to create the experience I am envisioning and feel entitled to do so.....

even if you don't have any advice I'm just looking to commiserate! I always see women posting about these issues and now I'm in the thick of it myself.

[Septagram]

Wow. First off, big hugs to you. I know how stressful it is to have family tensions surrounding your birth. With us it's going to be me, DH and our midwives. I really want our son to be there, so my mom will be here watching him and helping out however she can. We've just agreed, though, that if I need her to take him I just say the word.

That's just how I'm doing it.

[Dea]

I don't understand why family members think it's okay to push their wants and desires on an expectant mother. In my mind (and perhaps I'm selfish) this time should be ALL ABOUT the mother and what she needs to have her birth. I mean golly, she's the one doing the hard work, and she's the one who needs the space.
In my case why does my MIL's desires get to trump mine? And the same with you, why do your mother's desires get to override yours and what you NEED? And why should we feel guilty. We should not!
Like a friend told me, when I relented because of guilt, "we're the only ones who can make ourselves feel guilty"
Anyhow I feel your anxiety. I'm living it too!

[APMomOfKimmyN-Maya]

Originally Posted by Dea

I don't understand why family members think it's okay to push their wants and desires on an expectant mother. In my mind (and perhaps I'm selfish) this time should be ALL ABOUT the mother and what she needs to have her birth. I mean golly, she's the one doing the hard work, and she's the one who needs the space.
In my case why does my MIL's desires get to trump mine? And the same with you, why do your mother's desires get to override yours and what you NEED? And why should we feel guilty. We should not!
Like a friend told me, when I relented because of guilt, "we're the only ones who can make ourselves feel guilty"
Anyhow I feel your anxiety. I'm living it too!

Yeah, I am pretty good at standing up for myself to get what I want when it comes down to it, but I just can't kick the guilty feelings and I do not want to be feeling guilty right now!! I have not mastered the art of turning off my own guilt....She is making me want to hurry up and get the birth over with so this issue will be null, and I am resenting that a little since I want to enjoy my lasts days of being pregnant and not rush them. We'll see how it plays out....

[Steady101]

We don't have this problem as all my family lives in MA and dh has no family. I would just tell her that you will call her if you need her. Maybe the girls will be wild and you might want someone there to take care of them.

It leaves it open, but doesn't promise anything.

[CalebsMama05]

my entire family invited themselves into my delivery room with ds1. with ds2 I allowed only 2. this time it's just going to be dh and I.

since all they did was stand around watching me I'm not too disappointed.

[Gunter]

sorry, apmama that you have to deal with this.

my MIL was at ezra's birth but we are not inviting her to this one. it was not helpful to have here there and was annoying at times. our relationship has gone sour since ez was born, too. so, we're just not talking about it really and she just won't get a phone call. she'll probably come for a few days over the weekends after the babe is born. hopefully, she will respect our boundaries this time and try to be helpful.

my mom is almost 3 hours away, nervous to drive anywhere and knows that she doesn't plan to attend. we wouldn't invite her either. but she will come for a week at the end of march for PP support. she wants to play with our dog and with ezra, do the laundry and wash dishes, she told me! sounds fab!

[flapjack]

My mum was at Alex's birth; wasn't a problem for me at all. She came upstairs in time to see his head crown, and at that point you could have had three football teams in the bathroom and I probably wouldn't have noticed. She was close at hand (staying in a bed and breakfast up the road) when River was born, but asked that we didn't ring unless we needed her.

[mamabutterfly]

I wonder if it's easy to say something like, 'I'll have to see what I need at the time. Probably privacy is going to be great.' Keeping the focus on what you'd need to labor, not on rejection of her or anyone. And I think the real solution is not to call anyone when you are in labor. Say it was fast, you never thought of the phone, etc.

Also just wondering what would you find most supportive if the 1 year old is awaking and needing something? Would a friend or someone be useful for that scenario? Someone who understands that you might ask her not to be in the room for the birth when the time comes. (easier to do with a doula type person than a mother, I think)

[Nymph]

oh yes...we are doing the delayed calling technique too. DH is to call his parents when things are over. His mum never bothered to try to contact him for the year and a half that he was doing Nat'l Guard service overseas, but all of a sudden she wants to be at our house for the birth.

Umm...I don't think so.

My mom and dad are coming and they might be kept out of "my" space depending on how I feel at the time.

It's my day and I refuse to feel guilty or self-conscious.

[paphia]

Not in your ddc, but wanted to add that this happened with my mom for my dd1's birth. She arranged to come in right around my due date and then stayed at my house until my edd when she rented a hotel room... as if my dd was going to come exactly on her edd? And she kept going on about how her sister/my aunt got to be in the room when *her* grandson was born, and how special that was for her b/c she was the first to hold him () and blah blah blah. This is after I told her it was going to be me, dh and the doula in the birthing suite and that was it. I don't remember my exact wording to her but I held firm that I didn't want any extra people with me while I was in labor.

I was very uncomfortable laboring at home when that morning finally rolled around (I had gone into very early labor during dinner the night before and then early labor during the night) because I was worried my mom would show up at my house and then expect to be invited along to the hospital room with me, so we packed up and went even though I could have stayed home a lot longer. I got there at 6cm and my mom went to the waiting room. Things got busy and pretty soon I needed dh with me and made him turn off his phone (he had been updating my mom because she went to the waiting room at the hospital). It turns out she freaked out when we didn't call for over three hours (I hit a plateau at 9 cm) and was harassing the nurses, trying to get some news out of them (we hadn't told them to give anyone news so they couldn't tell her anything due to HIPPA laws).

All in all, she was a big huge mess of stress and anxiety and I am SO GLAD I didn't have her near me while I was in labor! Stay strong. She got over it all when she got to hold the baby (a whole 45 minutes after she had been born). Really listen to your gut on this one and don't feel guilty since having stress like that can throw off labor completely for some women. Try to be understanding, but within limits (I can understand my mom wanting to see her grandbaby being born but that doesn't mean it's gonna happen!).