How do you deal with your kids when they simple won't listen and follow through on very basic... - Page 2

[ayme371]

[QUOTE=Queen of my Castle;10560992]I find myself in situations like this all the time- my oldest is younger- 3.5 and he's so distractable at this age- sometimes I get SOO frusterated that simple things are just incredible chores.
Like tonight- getting pj's on: 'Axel, stand up on your bed so we can get changed'. Axel climbs up on his headboard. 'Come down' He holds out his foot. 'Come down so I can get your shirt on, you're too high' He comes down, lays down. ' I can't get you dressed laying down. Ok, hold out your feet'. Kicks feet. Rolls over. puts bum in air... Every direction is met with opposite action, patience is being tried. I threaten him. If he accomodates me by standing up, he will then pay attention to something else or distract himself so he's twisting or not moving in an accomodating way. It takes 15 min to get his pj's on!

I so hear you on this one. I try really hard not to get frustrated but after requesting numerous times I can feel the frustration. I like the suggestion of going to bed without the pj's and think I'll give it a try.

On the marker issue. I try the natural consequence, if you don't put the cap on it will dry out and we'll have to throw it away. What do I get in return, "Ok, throw it away". I just stand there with my jaw open feeling like an idiot, asking myself, what now???? Oh how I wish I had more patience.

subbing for suggestions

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by Queen of my Castle

Like tonight- getting pj's on:

Unfortunately, there are many times when I'm quite short on patience. Fortunately, I'm getting better at being aware of those situations, and being aware of my limits.

We went through one of those phases where "jammie time" was interpreted by ds as "jump on the bed and do anything BUT get jammies on." The days that I had the patience, I just let it be and sat waiting for him to choose his jammies.
The other days, when I could feel the frustration, I'd leave the room and say "You just let me know when you're ready to get your jammies on." In kind of a boring voice, and go to do something else. Without fail, in seconds he'd be ready for his jammies. THEN I'd feel more cooperative with him and not feel so frustrated when he jumped

[aschmied]

Originally Posted by limabean

I understand the temptation to say stuff like that (and I definitely admit to resorting to such things myself!), but maybe your girls are feeling over-controlled. Getting coats on so that you can be on time to school is one thing, but is picking up their animals before dinner instead of after dinner really something to get in a power struggle over? Maybe if you loosened your standards on some of the smaller issues, your girls would be more likely to understand that when you request something of them, it's something important, and would be more likely to listen.

There are lots of good ideas in th thread, but this one made me think about a situation we had with our 3yo this afternoon that we found enlightening.

We had pulled the fridge out from its nook to clean it, and she was enthralled with the "cave". DH was finishing cleaning it up, as I was getting the babe down for a nap. I heard him start arguing with DD about her getting out so he could push the fridge back in. He was trying so hard, and getting so frustrated. Finally he left it before he lost it. I got the babe down, went in, asked DD WHEN she would be ready to get out. She said she needed to eat the eggs that she was making - I asked if they were scrambled or fried, she said scrambled, ate her pretend eggs, and jumped out.

My interpretation is that DH made it an order, which left her no control, and no "out", so it became a power struggle. When that happens it only escalates.

This isn't to say that that ALWAYS works, but I get great mileage from it, and a reputation for a very compliant child.

Oh, and Deva3Mommy, we have that exact scenario all the time. I was amazed when I happened on it (out of sheer frustration). I am almost sorry compliance is so quick sometimes - I could use 5 minutes on something else!

[MtBikeLover]

I do what a lot of other people posted already in that I ask my kids to get ready and if they don't, I start to help them do it themselves.

But another thing that has worked great for me is to say "I'll be waiting for you in the car." And then I go to the car and just wait for them to come. Of course, this only works when you can actually take the time to wait for them.

[PancakeGoddess]

I think kids need more hands-on help with this kind of thing than most people really want to offer (including me!). I do think it's *possible* to get young children to comply, but unfortunately it usually does require threats of some kind or general stress.

I think leading the child to the shoes, putting them in their hands, etc, is a good way to go for the GD solution to the daily dawdle. My 4yo does well if I put his coat right in front of him, and he just flips it over his head. I would definitely just carry him out to the car without shoes/coat if he resisted this. In the cold van, he'll want them on (and be strapped in, too!)

I even need to lead my 10yo to the closet occasionally when it's time to go and he's just so distracted.

It's annoying, but personally I'd prefer my kids to have their heads a bit in the clouds than so firmly planted that they're stressed.

Eventually, they really do start getting themselves ready without help, on time.

[gaialice]

Joining this quite late and just to say

Originally Posted by 3*is*magic

The girls are always dressed and fed and ready to go by 8:30, so they are not rushed. At 8:40 or 8:45 I ask them to go into the mudroom and please put on their coats while I warm up the car and get their younger brother ready to go and into his car seat. They ignore me.

dress them up completely including the coat a little later.
I guess that the time between 8:30 and 8:45 is time you spend getting yourself or their brother ready. I would try shifting things around and getting the girls completely ready, including their coats and boots, at about 8:40. Spending 10 minutes in their coats won't kill them, and if they complain, you may remind them that this will be done until they can be held responsible for wearing their coats independently. Maybe this will motivate them or maybe you will need to do this for awhile......

[captain optimism]

Originally Posted by PancakeGoddess

I think kids need more hands-on help with this kind of thing than most people really want to offer (including me!). I do think it's *possible* to get young children to comply, but unfortunately it usually does require threats of some kind or general stress.

Yes, even with only one, it's a big pain. My five year old hates transitions, he gets distracted easily, and it takes a lot to get him to follow through on things without reminders. Your situation with three children, 3*is*magic, seems quite trying.

I'd probably plan to go with them into the mudroom and watch them put the coats on, even though it means budgeting extra time. What a bummer, because it would be so much easier if you could count on them to get ready while you get the baby into his seat and warm up the car. I don't think that this is a matter of being unwilling to comply, just distractable and unaware of the time.

When kids put on their coats at school, or put things away in cubbies at school, there is usually an adult there saying, "It's time to put away our books now!" and then a whole group of people doing it at the same time. You can create similar conditions at home. I don't love doing it though--it makes me feel like a drill sergeant.

I think we're doing a lot better with all this stuff lately, since I have been more consistently willing to supervise and he's been what? Older? I have no idea what shifted. I still have to hop from foot to foot during the morning transitions out of the house, though. "come on, come on!" So hard to be patient.

[boheime]

A lot of great suggestions. One word that almost always gets help around here is the word "let's." Let's pick up the toys. Let's put away books. Let's get ready for dinner. The kids realize we are in it together.

Another thing that works is for them to realize that by them helping, you have time to help them. Can you put these books up while I get you a snack?

[momofayden]

What do you do when NONE of those work.
Ex. "Whom ever wants a ride to school needs to put their jacket on" my son will say then i don't want to go to school. "Put your shoes on or you'll have to walk into school without shoes on", he'll walk into the snow to get to the car still no shoes and no shoes byt he time we hit school either. "Pick up your game boy and keep the games in their case", my son can't find his gameboy going on 5 months now and has no intention on looking for it. he would rather be without it. I can't live like this anymore. I don't know what i am doign wrong or how to fix it.

[nancy926]

The OP says she knows families where the parents pick up after the kids, and the kids expect that.


But she also said that her kids appear to assume SHE will pick up their toys (re: her DD asking snarkily why her mom hadn't picked up all the toys).

Perhaps they have too many toys?


My ideal response, which I am working on, is called Waiting for the Bus. I got the idea from an MDC thread. You state what needs to happen. "These toys are on the floor instead of in the basket."


Then you wait. Not impatiently. Not tapping your foot or glaring. You wait, like you're waiting for the bus.

I have found that most often, my kids do what is needed if I wait long enough. It is well under a minute of waiting. That seems like a long time while you are waiting, but it's really not long at all.

If they don't do it, I will do it if it's something I can do (i.e., I can pick up the toys. I can't put their coats and shoes on for them -- well, not without a tussle).

The problem is trying to reason with them. I think before about age 4, they don't understand reason. My 2-year-old would rather fight about brushing her teeth for 15 minutes than to take 1 minute and get them brushed.

[moonlight mom]

All these ideas are so awesome and I can't wait to try them with my 3 year old that is going to the exact same thing. I can honestly say that he says "no" about 100 times per day.