The sticky on this forum 'Cry for Connection - A Fresh Approach to Tantrums' ...is the best thing I have ever read concerning tantrums!!! If you havnt read it - read it!...And read it again and again...everyday if you have to!
I think the first thing to do is to realise what a tantrum is. Tantrums are feelings. They are an explosion of feeling when your child just cant handle anything else - they just boil over so to speak! Which is why tantrums may often seem like something silly and little to us, but to them - it was really the last straw and now they are letting it out. Its confusing being a toddler. Put yourself in their skin...the world is still new to you and now you have all of these feelings that are new to you as well and in the process you are growing into independence...I think id have tantrums too if all wasnt right with me!
The second thing to realise is that you cant make them go away. I think most advice on tantrums is to make it stop fast. Yes, tantrums are annoying. Yes, I have had my fair share of headaches where id rather just be sitting down in a quiet room on my own reading a good book! lol... But you can not make your childs feelings go away. If you do something that seems to work in 'stopping' the tantrum (like ignoring them when they have a tantrum - which to me really just seems like CIO on an older child) - they may eventually stop because there is no point in bothering if you arnt going to listen to them - but how they feel isnt going to go away, they just learn to bottle it up. For this reason - I also do not like distracting. If I know that something will be too much for my son, I will avoid it...but if I see a tantrum coming on - I let him have it becuase he needs that release. And for now thats the only way he knows how to do it. (which also connects to my fifth realisation...)
As an adult we can talk about our feelings and work with ourselves and those around us in finding appropriate solutions to how to handle them. Some adults like to do art or write poem or go to the gym or running to help release it from them. Though sometimes all we need is a good chat and cuddle with understanding. So the third thing to realise is that toddlers need all of this. When my DS had a tantrum, I let him have it - he needs that. But I dont ignore him. I stay there with him. He went through a head banging phase - I just made sure he didnt hurt himself. Once the big part of the tantrum was over - once he could hear me enough, I would talk with him about his feelings. 'I see you are very angry/frustrated/upset/sad/scared/etc'... Connect it to reasons why... 'because you wanted to go down the slide next'. Then I empathise with him, let him know I care and am always there for him...'Sometimes I get angry too. I know how it feels to want to do something and not be able to'. Sometimes this means I then have to give my son a cuddle and sit down with him a bit until hes feeling better. Sometimes he just wants to be left alone. Its important to be fully listening to him in every way and alot of this can come from body language. If we are in a public place, we move aside to some place out of the way. And once its over, its over!
The fourth thing to realise is what goal you want out of this. I want my son to be emotionally healthy adult in the future!... I wouldnt be able to achieve this if I ignored him or belittled his feelings. And he wouldnt be able to cope on his own if I didnt give him help along the way. I am confident my approach is teaching him that his feelings do matter, that people do care, and that someone (me at the moment!) will always be there for him - even if thats just to listen. And, one day - since we talk alot about it, he will also be able to tell me how he feels without having a tantrum. 'You know mum, I am just very upset right now because...' That will be a breakthrough for us I feel! hehe... At the moment though, and another good thing about this approach, my DS is very empathetic towards others. He can tell how they are feeling and will give them reassurance and a cuddle or rub their backs! (it melts my heart! hehe)
The fifth realisation (with stems off my second) - is to realise that our children are their own people. Be realistic of their age and needs and desires and what to expect from them and dont expect too much. Also - dont expect there to be any sudden miracles overnight. My approach to tantrums doesnt stop them from happening. This takes time, and I know my DS wont stop having tantrums until hes able to talk to me about how he feels and able to appropriatly deal with his feelings - which he wouldnt be able to do if he had to pull this out of thin air and deal on his own! - Which leads to the growing independence toddlers have.
Quote:
| We use UP in general (which is maybe why I feel so guilty of manhandling dd into her coat and boots to leave playgroup tonight after much attempt at redirection, consensus etc.) |
I dont know the whole story behind this, I wasnt there. But we are an UP family too -very CL (or at least we try to be! hehe). If I asked my son and tried and he said no and my attempt failed. I would have left it at that. She did not need her coat and boots on if she didnt feel she did. My son is currently going through this phase with his clothes. He wont get dressed at all. I ask him. I attempt. I try and make it fun or make it a game. But he does not want them on - and I do not desire to force them onto him. So we leave the house with him naked! lol...I consider this a 'natural concequence' (but am very careful in how I use that term because...)...I dont just leave the house without his clothes (I wouldnt do that - I wouldnt do something I know could prevent and just call it a natural concequence). I bring his clothes with me. And as soon as he is outside he wants, begs me even, to put his clothes on! (its bloody well cold out there, I dont blame him! lol)...this has happened for the past week and today he wanted to put his clothes on by the door instead of once we got outside which is a step forward! (this is always a hard one because whilst at home we are often naked and I dont make a big thing over it, I want him to be comfortable in his body and never to be ahsamed of it...bu thow to do you explain to a 2 year old that its now appropriate in public! hehe) Hes wanted to leave without his coat on before and half way to were we are getting, desides that he is cold and would like to wear his coat so he does. Its his body and I trust him and respect his choices - which is something I have to constantly remind myself otherwise I feel that I would get too controling.
My last advice would be for a Bach Flower Remedy. Most people I know have heard of rescue remedy but there are more out there and they can be made to specific needs. But before getting one, I would see why you would need one. We use them and they help...A LOT... becuase at the moment the only reason why my son has a tantrum is becuase he is a perfectionist, but doesnt always have the control or motor skill to do things exactly the way he has in mind and then just explodes. The Bach remedy helps alot with this because as much as I enjoy him sticking to a task and always to keep trying and be confident in yourself - we all do have limits and must realise them and must accept that sometimes we need to ask for help and that that is okay!
http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm
I hope that any of this had made sense to you and is a big help! hehe
it worked for awhile, until haye decided he liked the blue faces better and wanted to see more of them. ha. so...yeah. but hey, it worked wonders for a friend of mine.
it is good to hear it fed back to me. I don't leave her alone, I let her let it out and we talk about our feelings and the experience. I am just getting worn down as the tantrums are increasing, kwim? So I really appreciate your point about making them stop not being realistic!
