Okay, this will take a little background explanation. I have been a CBE, doula, midwifery apprentice/birth assistant for 8 years. Lots of birth experience supporting mamas. My own birth history is vaginal twins in hosp (while desiring out of hosp and not finding anyone to help) that drove me into this work for the anger I had about being given cytotec without consent, having 11 students doing vag exams over two days-and massive uterine infection after birth DUH!, getting an unnecessary epis that took nearly a year to heal. Second birth a singleton born at home after 5 days ROM and a lightening fast labor and horrifyingly painful pushout --8cm to birth taking less than 13 minutes. Third birth planned homebirth of twins ending in a month of bedrest for preterm labor emergency 31 week hospital birth when labor couldn't be stopped, with pushing being less painful (tiny babies) but emotionally I was resisting and traumatized at being unable to stop them from coming out and then one baby dying in my arms three hours later from complications of a very rare chromosomal abnormality with a two month NICU stay that was very painful (wrote an article for MDC in the Birth Stories section called A Crunchy Mama Makes Her Way in the NICU). Now a single pregnancy, planned homebirth. I am anywhere from 4-6 weeks from birth (I always go a few weeks early it seems, the very preterm birth was generated because my disabled daughter was failing and my body was forcing me into labor).
Okay, so in the last few weeks it has become clear to me that I have become the client I hate dealing with. The head case. The mother who stands in her own way and holds fear within her. I called my dear friend who is also my midwife and told her this (we sometimes joke about the head case mamas who put us through the ringer in labor) and that I thought she might have to work a lot harder this time. I am obsessing on extremely rare complications(wish I had never heard of a Bandel's ring) that I intellectually know are so very rare that they are not worth dwelling on.
I am really good at labor, but I am finding that the thought of the pain of pushing has me completely freaked out. I have been with mamas who seem un-affected by pushing and some who have even been blissed out during it. I want to enjoy pushing out a baby, I don't want to fear it, I would like to experience it as hard work rather than horrible pain. But, I have no idea how to get there especially after the last two experiences. My first twins were such a slow pushout (4 1/2 hours and 50 minutes respectively) that I really didn't experience it as incredibly painful, but the next two...eek!
My midwife says that she has encountered the fear/hatred of pushing often in her (particularly the religious Amish/Mennonite population she works with) grand multiparas. She did not actually have a lot of ideas this first time we talked about how to work through it. The Amish/Mennonite just generally stoically figure its part of God's plan. I would rather try to find a path other than stoicism to deal with this.
So I am open to ideas here. I will say I teach Bradley, but a friend who does Hypnobirthing tried the fear release tapes while I was on bed rest last time for a whole month with me and I found them mind-numbing and annoying- so I don't think I am a good hypnosis candidate. But, anyway, I would be very happy to find ways to re-image, re-experience that end part of labor for this upcoming birth. It will be my last baby and I would like to be able to look back upon it with joy and fulfillment.
Okay, so in the last few weeks it has become clear to me that I have become the client I hate dealing with. The head case. The mother who stands in her own way and holds fear within her. I called my dear friend who is also my midwife and told her this (we sometimes joke about the head case mamas who put us through the ringer in labor) and that I thought she might have to work a lot harder this time. I am obsessing on extremely rare complications(wish I had never heard of a Bandel's ring) that I intellectually know are so very rare that they are not worth dwelling on.
I am really good at labor, but I am finding that the thought of the pain of pushing has me completely freaked out. I have been with mamas who seem un-affected by pushing and some who have even been blissed out during it. I want to enjoy pushing out a baby, I don't want to fear it, I would like to experience it as hard work rather than horrible pain. But, I have no idea how to get there especially after the last two experiences. My first twins were such a slow pushout (4 1/2 hours and 50 minutes respectively) that I really didn't experience it as incredibly painful, but the next two...eek!
My midwife says that she has encountered the fear/hatred of pushing often in her (particularly the religious Amish/Mennonite population she works with) grand multiparas. She did not actually have a lot of ideas this first time we talked about how to work through it. The Amish/Mennonite just generally stoically figure its part of God's plan. I would rather try to find a path other than stoicism to deal with this.
So I am open to ideas here. I will say I teach Bradley, but a friend who does Hypnobirthing tried the fear release tapes while I was on bed rest last time for a whole month with me and I found them mind-numbing and annoying- so I don't think I am a good hypnosis candidate. But, anyway, I would be very happy to find ways to re-image, re-experience that end part of labor for this upcoming birth. It will be my last baby and I would like to be able to look back upon it with joy and fulfillment.
I don't have very much advice to offer, but just wanted to add some support. You have been through so much and it is sad for me to hear you call yourself a head case! Just remember that every birth is different and you can do this. How about a water birth? Pushing in the tub may be helpful.
