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How do you find the passion after months of trying?

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
The passion is gone. When it's that time of month, and it HAS TO happen, neither of us is terribly interested. After all the money we're paying and all the time devoted to these treatments, we're just not interested. And not interested generally = no DTD. I feel like we're throwing all this money away by continuing to try when we only manage to DTD 2 nights out of the crucial 3.

How do you deal with this? Last night it turned into a huge fight, and ultimately he doesn't understand why it bothers me so much, mostly because I think he doesn't understand how difficult these treatments are on me.

So the passion is gone, how do we find it again?
post #2 of 11
I wish I had an answer. We're only at the beginning of this journey, and I'm already starting to see signs of fading passion. Great question for Valentine's day, too. We're going out tonight, and I hope that will inspire some passion, but I don't know. I think a lot of the problem is me - I don't feel sexy because I'm taking medication to make my reproductive system work properly. How can I feel sexy when my sex-related parts don't work correctly, you know? And when I'm not into it, it's hard to get him into it. I'm a little afraid to talk to him about it, because even though we have great communication, I don't know what he can do to help. And how is it going to help to tell him how I feel if I don't have anything concrete for him to do? He'll just feel helpless and bad about it and I don't think that will help.
post #3 of 11
A friend of mine gave me the advice of "worry about things together". Because if you are clearly both worrying about the same thing, doing it together is better for your marriage than doing it apart. So you might want to consider talking about it even if you don't have an answer. Getting it out there might help and you may just come up with some ideas together.

As for the passion question, I find the more I do it, the more I feel like doing it. I had to do IVF the first time, but we are always hopeful for a miracle, so we try to get intimate every 3 days all month long (hardly ever works out that way though). And for practical reasons (ie. we are both tired and often pressed for time), we talked about there being two kinds of sex, the quick and practical (using a sperm friendly lube in lieu of lots of foreplay sometimes) and the more romantic, time consuming kind. Frankly, dh is happy to have permission to go directly to the finish line sometimes. And I always end up enjoying it more than I expect, and it's nice and intimate and bonding. Hope this wasn't too much information!
post #4 of 11
Music, different location, different time of day.......... It also really helps us when we don't wait until bedtime. If we do it earlier, we're less tired and it usually works out much better.

And honestly, sometimes it's just about "taking one for the team" so to speak. It can be really difficult sometimes. A good sense of humor about it is so helpful.

But when neither is really "in the mood", oh it can get ugly. Especially when you feel caught between trying to let go of hurt feelings vs. no sex - I've felt like "what if this is the one time that is IT, and I'm too pissed to dtd???"

I think what helps the most is making an effort to have sex at other times of the month. Sex without pressure is a good antidote to "crunch" time.

I remember someone telling me "well at least you still have the fun of trying, even though you're not getting pregnant". I wanted to tell her, "you let me know how much fun it is after 4 years, because quite frankly fun is not what I would call it."

Hang in there!

Lisa
post #5 of 11
I feel your frustration. The months when you find yourself arguing instead of hopping in bed together can be so frustrating since you can't tell your body "can you put things on hold for a day, just to give us a chance to patch this up?" There were months I just had to accept that for this month, we were still figuring things out, with this new reality of ours. It did settle down for us and now, we have found a rhythm that works for us. I will say that tehre are still months when it just isn't working out at the right time (we're just exhausted, one of us is sick, or anything else that seems to pop up), but we just have to take it as it comes and try to time it as close as we can to the "right day."
I agree that having passionate "encounters" when it's not the crucial time helps for us. It helps us continue to feel close and intimate and seems to make those crucial days a bit easier to get through...we're more in sync maybe.
I will say that we don't have the added pressure of expensive treatments each month. that must make it difficult. For those crucial days, perhaps it isn't about the passion, but a little surprise touch to things may not hurt.
post #6 of 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaG View Post
I remember someone telling me "well at least you still have the fun of trying, even though you're not getting pregnant". I wanted to tell her, "you let me know how much fun it is after 4 years, because quite frankly fun is not what I would call it."
You captured it so well! It is hard when it is required. Clomid months were the harest. No advice.
post #7 of 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaG View Post

I remember someone telling me "well at least you still have the fun of trying, even though you're not getting pregnant". I wanted to tell her, "you let me know how much fun it is after 4 years, because quite frankly fun is not what I would call it."
Hated that line - a LOT. It's not fun when month after month it just wasn't working out.

I'll be honest, after 2+ years and countless medicated cycles... the last few months sex just wasn't happening. At ALL. Between lack of interest and stress and my gigantic swollen ovaries... it just wasn't good for either of us. It's hard enough to pretend I'm enjoying it... it's another to have to pretend it's not actually hurting me. Our last two cycles, DH did his thing in a cup and I put it where it had to be with a syringe. Then we did IUIs as well.

So technically - I got pregnant with triplets without having actually had sex - which IMO makes a pretty good argument against abstinance only education in schools being adequate.

We have not had sex at ALL this pregnancy. I am too depressed and too big like a whale. I am hoping when this is behind us... I am hoping our marriage picks up in that area again. I miss WANTING to DTD and enjoying it and not having it be a chore.
post #8 of 11
I so agree on the "at least you're having fun" part. I have never had so little fun while having so much DTD in my life EVER. Argh.

RunnerDuck, I'm heartened to hear your experience to be honest. We've got low sperm count, and I've just found out I've got a blocked tube on one side. After nearly 16 months of trying and a few MCs but no successful pregnancies, we're starting IUI this month. While I totally get it intellectually, something in me figures you have to have sex to get pregnant. I'm happy to hear about your success! To be honest, when we started this I thought I'd never want multiples, but now I'm not so sure I wouldn't be kind of thrilled with an abundance of babies
post #9 of 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisaG View Post

I remember someone telling me "well at least you still have the fun of trying, even though you're not getting pregnant". I wanted to tell her, "you let me know how much fun it is after 4 years, because quite frankly fun is not what I would call it."
Lisa
Oh, I have said pretty much the same thing. People who don't struggle to get pregnant don't seem to understand how sex can sometimes be the LAST THING IN THE WORLD you want to do.

And RunnerDuck, we barely had any sex while I was pregnant with DS. But eventually things picked up, after the sore boobs and the sleeping got better. Losing some of the baby weight helped too.
Now that we're trying again (1 year+), it's getting harder again, but that's another story.
post #10 of 11
I have no answer for you. We were relieved, frankly, when we found out that IVF was our only option and that we didn't even need to try on our own (found out both of my tubes were completely ruined). Even though I was in shock that we would have to go the IVF route (I didn't even know we had fertility issues before we found that out), it was still the least stressful time that we had had in a LONG time. We were actually happy to stop trying.
post #11 of 11
Hi all
I'm kind of new here, although I've been hanging out on the TTC boards. We've been trying for #2 for over 2 years now and DTD has resulted in numerous arguments - you know what they are!!!
I just wanted to say that after a whacky cycle in January we decided to not obsess so much this cycle and I haven't temped / done OPKs. I was still keeping an eye on CM & CP though.
Anyway, the point is that a month off has done us the world of good, DTD has become fun for both of us again and it has really helped us get closer again. It's soooo hard not to get caught up in lets wait to the time is right - I've sure done it!
So if you can feel you can face it, take a cycle out and enjoy! Of course I've been hopeful all month that a miracle might happen but as AF approaches our relationship is in a better place and we are BOTH excited to get started again.

GL to everyone & hope you don't mind me junping in!
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