Siblings hurting one another

[marieangela]

I have a 5 year and a 2.5 year old. I started getting into talking about hurting siblings when I just posted about saying mean things, but decided to separate them. The boys get angry at one another a lot. I have told ds1 many times that he should talk to ds2 and tell him what is wrong when there is an issue. Instead he grabs his face and squeezes or uses some other physical expression of anger. Ds2 happens to have a thing for carrying objects around all the time. At any given time he will most likely have a wooden hammer or spoon, a lincoln log or somesuch thing in one or both hands. Ds2 has something that ds1 wants, ds1 grabs him or pushes him, ds2 hits ds1 with a wooden spoon. I take away a toy and give it a rest when it used to hurt people. I tell them both that they need to talk about things rather than hurting and ask if they know why they hit or were hit. I compliment them when they sort things out a better way. I have told them that hurting is not acceptable and not a way to solve problems. I've offered up the "trade you" approach when a toy is wanted and it works well when they use it. I've also tried having ds1 pound on a big stuffed animal when he's angry, but haven't been to consistent with that. I know it's not good that I get so angry when they hurt each other. I need to show my displeasure without so much anger, I think, but it's hard to control sometimes. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong lately. The first impulse of both boys is always to hurt when they are angry and I can't seem to help them change that.

[sapphire_chan]

Not a solution for the under-lying causes, but something that might help keep your sanity would be to teach them to "freeze!" or something similar.

In my family "halt!" meant stop dead in your tracks, move away from anyone you're touching, and wait for the person who called "halt!" to resolve whatever the problem is. Any kid who played at our house regularly would freeze when a halt was called.

[vaughnmama]

I'll be watching this thread because I'm having similiar issues with my 2 and 4 year old. I'm preg and due in April and I am having so much trouble controlling my own anger and bursting out at them when they are screaming at each other or tormenting each other, (or otherwise being constantly loud.)

I will try that "freeze" or "halt" technique.

[lexbeach]

I don't know any siblings who *don't* do this to each other. I'm not saying that that necessarily makes it okay, but I do feel like it's partially just human nature. As long as no one is getting really hurt, the hitting doesn't extend to friends, and it's not always one kid beating up the other, then I would be pretty mellow in my response. Of course, I'm currently dealing with my 5-year-olds hitting ME, so I may not be the best source of advice on the issue. I have twins. They started fighting when they were less than a year old. At some point I decided not to intervene so much, and it really seemed like the fighting decreased after I became less involved. Now, when they get into a real physical fight (which is, thankfully, now quite rare), I will calmly help them to separate. Then they usually both cry in my lap for a bit, and maybe we'll read a book or something mellow until they're ready to play again. But if they're having just a little squabble, pushing each other but not really getting too involved, I will watch them but I don't intervene. They will separate on their own. I don't engage in any conversations about who started it or anything like that. I will just say, "fighting isn't fun. It hurts. There are ice packs in the freezer, help yourself."

If you find that your kids are often fighting over toys/possessions (which is quite common), I would try putting away a huge number of the toys (like at least 50%). It may seem anti-intuitive, but I find that my kids play much better when they have many fewer toys available to them. If certain specific toys are often leading to fighting, they disappear for good.

HTH!

Lex

[freestyler]

I think lexbeach has some good ideas. Less toys = less fighting, in our experience. Funny, isn't it?

I do not tolerate the kids hurting each other. If it escalates, I will separate them, period. Not too many words, I just separate em. It's a pain sometimes, but they get the message. No one should have to be afraid of being hurt...especially in their own home!

I do not like to teach the kids to bang on pillows or whatever when they are mad. I think it just teaches them to associate anger with hitting, exactly what I do NOT want. I'd prefer they learn to count to ten, or go run around the back yard, or just try to use words to express stuff. (Right, in a perfect world!)

[nathansmum]

Just one thing that sprung out at me from your post. You talk of doing a "trade you" method. How is this carried out?

I'm wondering if they're too old for trading as such? I'd tend to more work on one asking if they could play with the other toy - just straight up without trying to offer something "better" to play with? You then let the child who has the toy know that they are allowed to say yes or no - politely. And then that child #2 who asked needs to accept that answer. Then you let #1 know that #2 is waiting and please let them have it when they're done. I have found this works well here and each child gets their own turn without feeling like it's going to be taken off them at any time (you don't need to be involved once they know how to do it). Often dd will say no ds can't play with something, but once the heat/pressure is off she'll hand it over if she's not playing with it. If he harrasses her she's more likely to hold tight.

I also agree with a poster that this is normal sort of stuff with siblings - frustrating yes, and still happens here even when the kids do have the skills to negotiate and work it out.

I also tend to step back a bit (in fact if I'm out of the room altogether they are more likely to work out a solution on their own). So I don't automatically leap in - particularly when you know they have the skills already. I wouldn't allow hurting though, but would separate them with minimal words so you are not being drawn into the fight - otherwise, what can happen here is ds appeals to me to sort it out, so I put it back on him most of the time. If I see him doing his best and dd isn't budging or is screeching then I will step in and help her and model for her since she is younger.

[marieangela]

Thank you for the advice. I have been trying to interfere less. I have explained to my 5 year old that I am confident that he knows the best way to work things out and he just needs to take a second to think before he acts. The hard part with that is the 2.5 year olds need to have something in his hands. One thing that I have been consistent with doing, is to put away a toy if it is used to hurt someone. That tends to be unfair to ds2, though. I have seen how ds1 eggs him on sometimes and then he lashes out with a toy and I put it away for "a rest". The trade you thing is really only for my 5 year old. If the ds2 has something that ds1 wants, I encourage ds1 to ask if he can have a turn or to find something that ds2 likes and trade with him. Both of these things work rather well, but a lot of times ds1 will automatically grab for something and it will turn into a "fight".

I've heard a lot of people say that they wouldn't allow hurting and that is a fine idea. But with my two boys, I would have to keep them constantly separated. I do separate them at times, but want them to learn that playing together can be fun. There are also times when they both want wrestle. One of them usually ends up "hurt", but not bad, then wrestling is over.

[ColwynsMommy]

Originally Posted by marieangela

There are also times when they both want wrestle. One of them usually ends up "hurt", but not bad, then wrestling is over.

I read through this thread 'cause we have similar issues and I really like all the responses. I just wanted to comment on this, though.

My boys like to wrestle and 'joust' (they're obsessed with knights) and that sort of play does often end up with minor bumps. I've told them right from the start that if one of them wants to play that sort of game, the other boy has to agree, and with jousting in particular, there is NO hitting of unarmed wo/men. They also have to understand that they're likely to get a little banged up playing those games. Normally I'm sympathetic and comforting when they get hurt, but I try to be less so when they play these games because I want them to understand what they're getting into. Normally I'll respond with, "Let me see the boo-boo. Okay, you're fine. Remember, if you wrestle, you're probably going to get hurt."

I think it's fine to let them play these types of games.. they're boys and I think it's part of their nature. I just try to make sure it's always with permission and that they know what they're getting into.

[MtBikeLover]

If you haven't read it already, Siblings Without Rivalry is a great book!

I posted a very similar thread awhile back in that I can pretty much handle anything except when the kids are hurting each other. It is infuriating and I feel really bad for the child that got hurt, which in turn makes me angry toward the one that did the hurting. I know exactly what you are going through

Here is what has been working for me:

• Took a deep breath before addressing either child so that I would be calmer when approaching them.
• Try not to take sides. Listen to each child. And then tell them "I know you two can come up with a way to solve this without hitting. Do you have any suggestions?" And then stay with them while they problem solve.
• If they are fighting over a toy that neither of them really had possession of first, then I explain that I can't let them fight over it or someone will get hurt so they need to figure out a solution. I hold the toy while they talk. Once they reach a solution that they BOTH agree on, they get the toy back. If they can't reach a solution, then the toy gets put away.
• If one person clearly had the toy first, then that person gets to keep it and I talk to the child that wants it. We talk about ways they might ask for a turn. If the child with the toy doesn't want to let the other play, then I "console" the other child - "I know that you really want to play with it and you are frustrated. It's hard waiting for your turn. Is there something else you can do until she is finished with it?" At that point, they will either come up with ideas or stomp off and say "I am not going to let ____ play with my toys!"
• It also helped me to set up activities that they could do together so that they would learn to play and rely on each other.
• They also like to wrestle together. Before they start, we go over the rules - no hitting, no biting, no head butting, and HAVE FUN! Then I referree so that if things start to get too rough, I can help them get back on track to safer wrestling.
• If the kids come to me to complain about the other one, I explain that they need to talk to each other.
• We talk a lot about feelings - how do you think it made her feel when you said that? How do you think he feels when you won't let him play with your toys? How would you feel if that happened to you? What are some things you can do to help him feel better?

I read this really great book once that talked about spending more energy helping things go right (versus spending most of your energy trying to fix things once they had gone wrong). I find that if I am more in tune with what is going on with the kids and what the mood is in the house, I can help them get along better.

[nathansmum]

Originally Posted by marieangela

But with my two boys, I would have to keep them constantly separated. I do separate them at times, but want them to learn that playing together can be fun. There are also times when they both want wrestle. One of them usually ends up "hurt", but not bad, then wrestling is over.

I have a bit of a mantra here "it is only a game if you are both happy playing it" when they are in more physical play. I often hear dd starting to grizzle and cry and just as I'm about to intervene I hear her start laughing - so most often I'll just stand back anyway with just a verbal reminder to listen to each other and their comfort levels at playing.

[girlygirls3]

These are some great suggestions, I too am going through this with my dd's... I will definitely try them!