Ideas Needed Before I SNAP

[Aquafina]

I am at the end of my rope.......I dont hit but I am a yeller I know its not healthy for my kiddos and really I dont think it even helps the sistuation.......


My almost 5 year old runs from me in parking lots,runs from me at stores,calls me names,screams probbly got that from me,,,,,,hits me and his little bro,tells me to leave him alone,,,,,when we are at a store he will cry and scream thorow himself on the floor if he dosent get a toy or candy,,,,Now I have even been asked to leave a store beacuse of his behavior.........It I try and talk to him he runs off laughing then I am panicked and running through the stores with a baby in a maya wrap looking for him.....I have people shaking there heads at me......My grandmother has told me to just leave the store when he is that way haha I would but him running from me and the LO attached to me its hard.... Its like a chore to grocery shop.....By the time I get in the car I am crying......Now at home he slams doors takes toys into rooms that are off limits,jumps on the bed,runs up and down the stairs,makes messes then tells me hes not picking it up...Wont share with the LO.......


When his father is around which is like 4 days every 6-8 weeks he is a perfect child listens holds hands in stores,shares his toys,is polite,walks,talks softly,the minute daddys gone he tells me I dont have to listine to you dads gone .................


Now the 1 year old is pretty good but latley I have noticed he slaps me,crys and slams himself on the floor if he dosent get what he wants,has started meanly bitting my nipples....This child was a sweetie like a month ago.......

Its gotten really bad since there Father left in January and there father was here for christmas vacation for like 4 weeks.....


I am ashamed to even be telling you all this beacuse it relects on my parenting skills IMHO......


I dont know if the 1 year old is just going through this faze with teething,and walking,talking so its just overwhelming to him......But I know he really watches his older brother and his behavior.............


I am at a point I just want to snap..........I live with my parents BTW they have a big house and I pay rent but if I disaplin the older child grandma tells him its ok moms just being mean:......And they have seen me and my mother get in arguments,she gives the older one candy,and toys all the time



Another thing about older DS he talks really really loud my uncle at family get togthers has to turn down his hearing ade beacuse of his voice.....I dont know if its beacuse of living in a house with hardwood floors so everthing sounds louder and echos or he has a hearring problem although you can ask him somehing soft and he listeins................

Right now I have older son jumping up and down yellin and LO
kicking..............UGH

Thanks in Advance sorry the post was all over the place I am beyond stressed

[mamazee]

The fact that your husband is gone so often makes this trickier. But you have your parents around and you might need their help, as much as they aren't always helpful.

The way I handle this might not help or might have to be altered for you based on that, and also based on the fact that you also have a younger child with you. But I'll tell you how I handle it anyway in case it gives you any ideas.

GD doesn't mean not having any expectations. I have a simple expectation that my daughter doesn't run in parking lots. It isn't allowed. I don't punish, and I don't have to punish to have a boundary about this. If I can't trust her to stay with me, she holds my hand. If she keeps struggling to get away, she stops going shopping with me. But one way or the other, he can't run in parking lots or he's going to get run over by a car. Seriously. I'd get a harness before I'd let my daughter run in a parking lot. In my car, I can't see anything shorter than 4 feet or so out the back window. If I'm backing up, I will simply not see a 5-year-old child, and I would back right over one without being aware he/she was there. Leave your son with your parents if he won't let you hold his hand. Don't get angry about it - just explain why he can't go. If he's sometimes getting things when he goes (and I'm guessing he does sometimes get stuff if he's begging and tantruming) he will not like having to wait at home while you shop.

Tantrums are embarrassing, but in my opinion they are simply something to get through and not something to do a whole lot about. I just sit back and wait while my daughter tantrums, without trying to force her to stop, giving her something to try to get her to stop, or anything like that. I do often move her somewhere more appropriate for a tantrum (so other people can shop and don't have to listen to her screaming LOL). But then I just wait, and tell her I understand she's angry and I love her. When she's done, we snuggle for a minute, and then we do what we have to do. I never never never give her things to keep her from tantruming. I do sometimes get her things in the store but only if we have money available obviously, and even then it depends on the circumstances - like if she wants something and we already have one at home, or if it isn't for kids, etc., I explain why we can't get it. Sometimes I'll say that we should have about $2 left over and if she wants to find something for that amount of money we can afford it that time. But if we don't have the money, we just don't. If it leads to a tantrum, then see above for what happens. LOL. If you are consistent with how you handle tantrums, they at least will become uncommon at that age IMO. My daughter has only had one tantrum in the past year. It was a doozy but still, it was only one over the span of a year. It was because she wanted me to buy something I didn't have money for at that time.

My daughter has slammed doors when she's angry. I explain why we don't slam doors (it could break the door) but I don't make a huge deal out of it. I just consistently tell her I don't want her to slam doors and why, and that it makes me angry. It is not something she does often at all anymore. You just have to be consistent, and don't like freak out over it but explain that it costs money to fix things and that if there's money being spent on fixing the door, there will be less money for other things, and fun stuff is the easiest to stop doing when money is tight so that's what will have to go - not just fun stuff for her but fun stuff for all of us. The trick is to be consistent and explain it every single time, and not to freak out because that will just escalate things.

I don't get the thing about "takes toys into rooms that are off limits"? What rooms are off limits and why? I'm going to assume it's a safety issue and in that case I'd just lock the door. Maybe it's rooms your parents have decided are off limits? If it's out of your control, I'd still try to talk them into locking the door. The fewer power struggles the better. If doors to off limits rooms are locked, there's no fight there. You could put simple hook-eye locks up too high for him to reach.

Grandparents are going to be soft on their grandkids, but your mom has got to stop telling your kids that you're mean. I'd get consistent with your mom about that too - every single time she says something like that, tell her you don't like it and it's damaging your relationship with your son, and is also damaging your relationship with her because you have to be able to trust her to speak respectfully of you around your kids. I'm guessing you have some level of financial dependence on her at this point from what you've said, so you can't say everything I would say (LOL) but still be consistent and explain why it's wrong every time. And try to be calm or she'll just think you're being irrational and speaking out of anger. I think people actually respond more when you explain things calmly because they know it's something you've thought through and that you're not just spouting off.

Anyway, good luck! It sounds like you're having a really hard time and I hope you find a solution for the problems you're having.

[bluets]

It doesn't help you immediately, but I highly highly highly recommend the book "Connection Parenting" by Pam Leo (http://www.connectionparenting.com/)

Since we started using some of her techniques, we have had many fewer meltdowns and much more cooperation.

[rabbitmum]

Mamazee's post is great.

I would add:
Is it possible to move out of your parents' house? It sounds like living with your mother is making things complicated for you.

And is it possible that your husband could be home (a lot) more often? It sounds like your son misses him.

[singin'intherain]

This feels like a situation where more is going on than seems obvious. Sometimes you need to sort of 'get a backbone' as a mom, I know because I have four kids and they have overwhelmed me a lot. I suggest Love and Logic with a healthy dose of salt, just because it gives you both techniques and needed permission to be totally consistent about where you stand on issues.

The funny thing is, it doesn't sound to me like this is all you. If your mom is undermining your mothering in such an overt way, is he around her a lot? Because if you are in any way putting up with this, maybe because you have to so you can keep a roof over your kids heads, he is probably dangerously close to not having enough respect for you. Kids need to respect their parents because they are so dependant on us. We don't have to earn their respect by being perfect or pleasing everyone around us.

I also have to wonder- what exactly is it like between you and your dh? Is he doing the same thing your mom does? It sounds like he is the only one with any influence over your kids, like you're just mud around there. This isn't good for them- who is going to be the parent when dad's not around? I just have a feeling that if dad were being supportive and respectful towards you, ds would not feel quite so okay about treating you the way he does.

BTW, I have gotten to the point before of actually banning the grocery store. Try it. Stock up on some food and then plan on just leaving the store if he doesn't follow the rules you're comfortable with. Every time. l say to my kids before we go in- 'Okay, guys, we have two choices- follow the rules of being at the store, or leave the store' They know my rules- no running, no screaming or yelling, no wrestling or fighting, no grabbing things off the shelves, listen and respond to my words. I have four kids, and I cannot go off in a corner while someone has a meltdown. And if one runs up ahead, one will be way behind and the other two will start a fight somewhere else. There is something empowering about realizing that yes, you can leave that half full grocery cart and just walk out (after you catch him lol!) It doesn't take very many times.

[Aquafina]

Thanks you for the wonderful advice.......There father is my ex husband......I live with my parents beacuse I am not working right now beacuse its very importaint to me to stay home with them while I can........I never thought me and ex DH would devorice but it happend and plans changed we had planed on me being a SAHM then he left beacuse we didnt have the same belifes.............I think its really hard on them not having him around all the time..............And my Mom ugh she means well but we just think diffrent

[Dandelionkid]

You sound really stressed. I'm sorry that you're in this difficult place right now. It's wonderful that you recognize your "snapping" point and you are getting help. Take one thing for now that sounds like it would work, put the advice somewhere you can see it and then try that new thing every chance you get for a week or something. Like others have said it sounds like a lot going on so don't try to tackle everything at once. And try to take care of yourself- a few minutes of alone time takes me back from the brink every time. You are a wonderful mama.

[leafylady]

I have to ask-
Why does your Mother say you are being mean?
Is it possible that you are being mean? Are you screaming before providing positive and consistent guidance for your children?
I really want to be supportive for you, but your first post made it sound like you do more screaming than preventing and guiding.

My husband can be like that. Sometimes he just yells at the kids, and if you ask me- it is just mean and doesn't do a bit of good to solve the situation now or later. I usually have to step in to get the situation back in order.

I'd recommend starting with some of the great parenting books that people are recommending. You've got one recommendation here and I hope you get more. I know a lot of people recommend Playful Parenting.
Are there any books that help parents move from reactionary screaming to more prevention and guidance?

[leafylady]

and yes, Mamazee has very good examples for you, ways to prevent trouble and to create an environment in which your children will have more opportunities to do the right thing.

[Aquafina]

I have to ask-
Why does your Mother say you are being mean?
Is it possible that you are being mean? Are you screaming before providing positive and consistent guidance for your children?
I really want to be supportive for you, but your first post made it sound like you do more screaming than preventing and guiding.

No you are right I do alota screamingAnd I am sure I can be mean
There are alota times my Mom and I will be out and I will tell him no you cant have that today,and she will say oh moms being mean and buy it for him....And saddly me and my parents dont get along and my kids see that some of the names my mom has called me my DS has started calling me.....


I am very lucky I have a roof over my head and I know it stresses them out I dont work,and that my kids can be loud......I mean my mom has told me I use breastfeeding as a excuse to not work beacuse no one in there right mind would bfed this long and it just looks sick and silly to be bfing a kid that big FWIW I am bfing beacuse I know LO enjoys the bond and for every positive thing Bfing does for LO and me......

I think it would be alot more easy to GD if I lived on my own,I do take the stress my parents put on me about living there and snap at my kids .........I have contacted the housing around there just to get back on my feet and they twll me its 38 months to get on the list.........................

I just feel like I have failed my kids,with the divorce,me being stressed and snappy ........My parents not having the daughter they wanted...ect,ect,ect....

I don't get the thing about "takes toys into rooms that are off limits"? What rooms are off limits and why? I'm going to assume it's a safety issue and in that case I'd just lock the door. Maybe it's rooms your parents have decided are off limits? If it's out of your control, I'd still try to talk them into locking the door. The fewer power struggles the better. If doors to off limits rooms are locked, there's no fight there. You could put simple hook-eye locks up too high for him to reach.

The granite counter Older DS has ran threw the kitchen a few times and ran into the edge of it and there stainless steel fridges,range they dont like the kids smudging them,or bringing toys in there to dent them.......Then the little one likes to get in the drawer to play with stuff normal kiddo behavior but my mom thinks its to dirty to keep if it touches the floor.......No doors to the kitchen so it kinda hard.........



Heres some examles of my behavior with the kiddos.........

Me-"Please hold my hand while we go inside to the store"
DS-"HAHAHAHAH NOOOOOOOOOO MMMMMMMOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM
ME-"Honey please take my hand"
DS-"More laughing" runs off
Me-"Get over here before I take your car away"
DS-"shut up"
Me-"Dammit get over here"
Me-"Gosh why cant you listin to me you always do this,why cant you behave like other kids"
Me-"Get in a cart NOW"


I sound awful........I dont need you to tell me thats bad parenting I know I just need ideas to be a better loving parent I dont want to be mean,and naggy to my DC..........I know you mommas probbly think I sound like a momster but please be kind,,,,,I had a hard time even posting this......I want to blame this all on my EX but really its all me I am the only one that can change it all......

[FreeRangeMama]

I sound awful........I dont need you to tell me thats bad parenting I know I just need ideas to be a better loving parent I dont want to be mean,and naggy to my DC..........I know you mommas probbly think I sound like a momster but please be kind,,,,,I had a hard time even posting this......I want to blame this all on my EX but really its all me I am the only one that can change it all......

You don't sound awful, just awfully stressed

Seriously, you just need to step back from the situation and BREATHE. You cannot be the mother you want to be until you can get out from under all the stress and turmoil you are in. You need to do it for your kids and you need to do it for yourself. You deserve to be happy

Is there any way you can get into some sort of counseling? Someone to work through your divorce with? Someone to talk with about where you are NOW and where you want to end up? Your life has undergone a major change and it is not what you pictured, now is time to figure out the way to make the best of it.

All the GD tips and techniques won't help you until you are feeling more centered, and that will take some time. Kids are amazing mirrors to what is going on inside ourselves. I always know when I need to sort something out within myself when all the kids are acting out. They feed off my stress.

I don't mean any of this as a judgment on you, I can't imagine anyone making it through a divorce with young children unscathed. Life is hard sometimes. Once you get over this bump I am sure you will notice your dc will behave better and you will yell less. And I think you are very brave to reach out for help!

[bemommy]

I'm by no means a source of GD information. I'm here to talk as a child of divorce.

It sounds to me that your son is very angry about the divorce and the changes it has brought to his life. Of course he's good when his dad is around, he's likely afraid that his dad will leave him too and needs to prove that he's worthy of love. I know that as a young child though I KNEW my parent's divorce wasn't any one person's fault, I certainly FELT responsible as well as laying a lot of blame on my mother. All this wrapped up with the current living arrangements and the related tensions with your parents lead me to think there is a lot of underlying emotion to your son's behaviors. Understanding that and maybe getting some counseling for you and him would certainly help.

[leafylady]

Check this forum thread out too http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=844949
It's a similar situation to yours.

[DevaMajka]

I just want to offer hugs.

I think I subconsciously resort to yelling and threats, so I work on that all the time.
One book that helped tremendously was Secret of Parenting. It's quite a "parents in charge" book, without punishments or yelling, etc.

I have family that is similar to yours- they mean well, and everything they do is because they want ds to be happy. But they think that *I* am too strict (of everything I though I'd be called, strict is not one of them!) I have to imagine that it would be trying to live with them and keep up any semblance of discipline.

Could you talk to your mom? Tell her that you are going to try your hardest to stay calm and not yell, but that you need her help, and her to support your discipline. That it makes it harder to stay calm and in control of yourself when she's undermining you.

[savithny]

Originally Posted by mamazee

If you are consistent with how you handle tantrums, they at least will become uncommon at that age IMO.

I'm glad that in your experience that is true, and that your child of that age has had only one tantrum in the last year, but IME (that would be E for experience, not O for opinion) the above is not true. I had a child who did not have a tantrum until he was three.. not ONE... but then had doozy after doozy from 3 to nearly 5, tantrums that took a lot of time to figure out and then months of consistency to deal with. I had a DS who, when I had expectations like "You will hold my hand in the parking lot" would ask "Or what?" and then sit down on the burning hot august blacktop in shorts rather than hold my hand. It is unbelievably frustrating to deal with, and is often made harder to cope with by people assuming that if you parent your child right, your 4yo won't do that anymore.

OP, it sounds like your 4yo probably is dealing with a lot, the divorce, the moving in with grandparents, the new sibling. And when you say "Screams probably got that from me," you're probably not far from the truth, too - first time I heard my DS shout at his sister in the same tone I'd used to yell at him, I could tell *exactly* how closely he really was listening.

In our case, when I finally found what worked, some of it would be considered less GD here, because my DS couldn't deal with all the *talking*. I'd find myself yelling just because his response to all the talking just overwhelmed him and he'd stop listening and I'd talk louder and then SHOUT BECAUSE WHY ARE YOU NOT EVER LISTENING??? I felt unheard, and he clearly just couldn't handle a lot of talking about whys and wherefores and feelings and emotions, at least not until after the fact and we'd deal with it in small doses at calmer times. So I couldn't talk everything out, and we couldn't always rationalize, and there were times when I just had to take things away without negotiating and had to just take action and put him in his seat or pick him up and carry him (over my shoulder, because I was PG and then slinging a baby) out of parking lots without getting his consent or buy-in......

You do sound awfully, awfully, stressed. It is difficult to deal with a difficult, tantrumming child at the best of times. Your batteries must be hopelessly drained and I"m just wondering if you could find some way to recharge *you* to help you work with your DS from a better frame of mind?

[singin'intherain]

Now that you've added some depth to your story, your ds' behavior seems to sound a lot more like any kid would act. You have a stressful situation, and your kids will either behave badly or internalize what's going on (worse, IMO). Same goes for you. I was divorced six months ago, and ours was seriously a lot less stressful than your situation. We're all happier, I get breaks now thanks to visitation, we aren't rich but I have my own place and a lot fewer money stresses, etc..........well, my kids were holy terrors from month two to month five. I believe it's vital to be as totally consistent and strong and loving as possible, but don't panic if you don't see any improvement for a long time. It's not you, trust me. It sounds like your situation is also incredibly hard on you, too, and I don't think you are weak or a horrible mother at all for falling into the trap of talking that way, or screaming. You need to make it your top priority to get as much of a support system under you as you can. If you don't have friends who will take care of your kids so you can get a break and nurture yourself, you need to do whatever you can to get there. If you have a YMCA in your area, a good way to go is to use their child care room and take a yoga class, go swimming, exercize, or just take a shower by yourself for like 30 minutes. I have been known to attend church services so that I could use their child care room (pathetic, I know). A book I highly recommend is Mothernurture by Rick and Jan Hansen. I think if you can start to build yourself inside and get some of your own needs met consistently, you will be a heck of a lot more able to meet your kids needs consistently, and the hard behaviors will ease up.

BTW, kudos for you knowing not to give up bf'ing right now.........your lo's can count on you, I can tell!

[Breeder]

First of all it sounds like you and your kiddos are really STRESSED out right now.

Suggestions for the right now:

Stop 'asking' your son to do things that are not a choice. You ask him to hold your hand while going into the store. This is not an option. Parking lots are dangerous and he does not get to pick whether or not he holds your hand. (changing how I worded things helped our situation so much when DS was being difficult at 4). I would instead say (while still in the car): "We are going to the store now. Parking lots are dangerous, I don't want you to get hurt. You may hold my hand or ride in a cart. If you can not do this right now we will sit in the car until you are ready to do this." If he tries to run off physically pick him up and place him in the cart. (I know this may be hard with a 1 year old strapped to you, you may need to have Grandma watch the LO while you do this a few times).

If he runs away from you in the store, physically leave the store. Saying something like, "I don't want you to get lost, since you keep running away from me we will have to leave."

Stop yelling I know it's hard, but you can do it. I'm a natural yeller but I don't yell at my child, it's ineffective. Much more effective to use a soft but firm voice in my experience so far.

For the long run:

Ask yourself: which is more important? Me staying home with my kids all day while my children are exposed to me fighting with my parents and my parents constantly underminding the good I try to do for my children. OR Me having my children watched by someone else so that I can work enough to afford a place in which my kids won't be exposed to daily fighting and won't have to live with a constantly stressed out mama?

It's your choice. I understand your nursing relationship is important to you and your LO, but at what cost is it coming? I think it would even be better to have your parents watch the kids without you while you work so that you could move out. It would improve your relationship with your parents and get you out of their house where they can undermind you every step of the way. Pump at work, nursies at night ykwim?

HTH. Good luck!