19mo "tantrums" and I'm afraid of becoming a pushover

[Ophelia]

OK so what do you do when redirection DOESN’T work?

DS is 19mo. Yep I know, he’s at “that age”. He throws things a lot, on purpose. Sometimes for fun, other times when he is upset about something. He also started dumping his whole plate of food (for fun I think) so we went back to the highchair tray. Does the whole fling-myself-upon-the-floor-and-wail. He wants it NOW.

Now daycare said he is having “temper tantrums” and he also started pushing the other kids (thinks its fun, he was hitting before). I know he is frustrated because even though he is learning words at a fast rate, he’s not yet that verbal.

I also have a very hard time getting him to brush his teeth. Most of the time now he will not brush for me, just shakes his head. DH seems to be able to get him to cooperate more with him, maybe it’s his voice, I don’t know. I don’t see forcing a toothbrush in his mouth as the right way to go, so how can I get him to brush his teeth? I even bought some children’s toothpaste at the co-op and he used it the first time but not the second time.

I usually remember to make him pick up something if he throws it on the floor and he complies. Do you think he will eventually tire of picking things up and not throw them in the first place? Will he eventually connect the two?

Basically, I don’t want to be one of those parents that bosses their kid around all day “don’t do that, no no no no, do this….blah blah blah” and I want to show him respect by asking instead of demanding, but I also don’t want to end up being a pushover where he will only listen to his dad and not me! I feel like I could easily fall into the “mom’s a pushover” role if I haven’t already. Help!

[katheek77]

I have a DD 5 days older than your child. She's not verbal at all, but understands extraordinarily well.

If it's something that needs to be done (ie...diaper change, going in the car seat), I commisserate with her, but then firmly tell her that it needs to be done whether she likes it or not. IE "I know you don't like getting in the car seat, and you wish you could stay out, but, we have to go to the store, and you have to be in your car seat to go. It's dangerous otherwise."

For other things, it depends on the situation. Sometimes, me acknowledging the behavior and then letting the natural consequence happen works. "Hmmm. You were mad that Mama couldn't pick you up while she was cooking, and you threw your binky behind the fridge. I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait until Mama's done, and then I will get your binky and pick you up." (And then I get it within a minute or two, but, she's old enough to understand that there may be a bit of a delay).

Other things I let slide or sub (I guess sort of redirection). "Oh, throwing the truck could hurt someone. Let's throw the ballie instead!" (hand child ball). Or I'll just pick up the food and put it in the sink. If she tantrums over that, I just explain that, hey, you threw the food on the floor, I cleaned it up.

Sometimes she really just is frustrated and wants a hug. With most tantrums, I ask her if she wants a hug or kiss, or I'll try to pick her up (sometimes that only infuriates her more). That sometimes works. I try to get her to tell/show me what she wants. "Mama can't understand when you're screaming. Can you show Mama what you want? Do you want A? "

And other times, I do get her to help me clean up the damage. "Uh oh. You threw the cheerios on the floor. Now we need to pick them up." And I'll wait for her to stop tantruming, and come over and help pick them up. And, yes, I have sat there for five minutes until she decided to help pick them up.

I don't "order" her around (unless it's a dangerous situation), but I also don't let her order me around. My daughter, by the way, is very melodramatic sometimes, and I've seen how she feeds off of the drama she can create. Or maybe gets more out of control b/c she perceives the other person is out of control/overwhelmed as well...With DH, who tends to get frazzled, she normally tantrums longer and harder. With me, they're much shorter and rarer. But, I don't think there's a cure-all that works every time.

[Ophelia]

Thanks! Since he's my first I'm not quite sure how to deal with the behavioral stuff.

I mentioned he's starting to push the other kids at daycare (previously he was hitting). Well, I guess today at daycare he was mad that he had to leave when DH picked him up and instead of giving his friend a hug he pushed him onto the floor!

When he was hitting, and NO wasn't working anymore for that, it was suggested to me to turn it into a positive "we can't hit, but we CAN..." as kind of a redirect. Should I have daycare do the same thing with the pushing? Do you think it would work? It must have worked with the hitting because I didn't hear about it after that. He has to learn that he can't hit/push/whack, whether for fun or because he is mad.

This is an in-home daycare with on average 8-9 kids (up to 14 with part time).

We do try redirect, distraction, asking him to "show" what he wants, etc.

[Ophelia]

Any ideas, please? Now he is hitting, pushing AND he was kicking a girl in the stomach today. I really, really don't want him getting kicked out of daycare.

ECFE teacher gave me a good article last night, it was more for 1 year old but talked about how they don't know about socially acceptable things, too young to understand, etc. Gave copy to daycare and she is going to read it more thoroughly.

ANYWAYS the parents I talked to at ECFE and a couple of my friends who have kids (and grandkids) all seem to say it's normal for that age. Daycare seems like she's never seen a kid do that before, I think she's been doing daycare for about 3-4 years.

He doesn't seem to be mad when he's doing it, I think he's just doing it because he can. I did ask her to redirect and remind him to Be Gentle, and move him away from the other child. I don't know how long she will try that for though, and I feel really bad for the other kids. He caused a bruise on one kid's forehead yesterday from pushing him into the door.

Is there anything else I can tell daycare to do?? website articles? Mothering only seems to have a tantrum article.

[bubs8]

I worked at a daycare for a few years and we would have the kids who needed to play aggressively play with play-doh or something they could squeeze and hit. Is he getting enough outside time to run around and get out his energy?

The problem with daycares is that its too difficult to be pro-active. They have to be reactive because there are so many children to look after. That was one of the reason I quit daycare, I was tired of putting out fires. Its too difficult to notice what is triggering the aggressive play because then your son would need more attention that the other children.

Do you have a bean bag pillow or one of those squishy pillows? Sometimes being able to hug that as hard as possible works well. I don't like to say anything is because of an age, I'd say that he's exploring his physical abilities and does not understand limits.

[Ophelia]

They have not had any playtime outside since fall. She just hired a part time helper. She does have several large pillows he could take his "aggression" out on if he wanted to. Playdoh I'm not sure, I know that has wheat in it and he still puts things in his mouth.

He doesn't get a lot of sugar, as I send his food with to daycare because of the gluten issue, so I don't think anything in his diet is causing this excess energy or "aggression" if you would call it that unless there's more food issues I don't know about yet.

We've been cooped up most of the winter, but I get him to ECFE once a week as long as he's not sick, and I have taken him to a large store or mall just to let him run around, I can do that more often.

She did say it's hard to watch him and catch him BEFORE he does this. I'm just not sure what to tell her other than my previous post, and maybe take him aside and tell him "we don't do that". Or show him how to take aggression out on toys instead of people?? I don't know.

Thanks! If anyone has more comments/ideas PLEEASE let me know. Should I xpost in Toddler?

[Alyantavid]

ECFE teacher gave me a good article last night, it was more for 1 year old but talked about how they don't know about socially acceptable things, too young to understand, etc.

Yep. My 20 month old does some of the same things. They're still learning so much about what they can and can't do at this age. There's not going to be some miracle cure to immediately stop his hitting and pushing. There just isn't. She needs to be consistent though. Every time he hits someone have her say something like "we don't hit, we hug" or whatever that gives him something he can do instead of just what he can't do.

With my son, he can deal with something for so long and then he just can't. For example, there's 2 girls around his age at daycare who love him and hug and kiss on him constantly. He takes it for awhile and then he gets mad and hits them or pushes them away. He can't say "enough, stop kissing me" so he does what works to get them away from him. Our daycare has to be watching closely enough that she can see his cues and tell when he's about to get fed up.

I know with 10ish kids its hard to keep that close an eye on one kid, but if this is a big enough problem she's coming to you about it, she needs to do something.

[Alyantavid]

double post

[Deir]

I don't have alot of specific advice but I noticed you wrote that you want to be"asking" instead of "demanding." IMHO asking too much gives kids too much stress. Better to give them information than requests. Ex- "time to brush teeth" is information "Are you ready to brush teeth?" is a question that requires the child to self scan and decide way to many things-"do I want to brush my teeth? Why doesn't this adult know it is teeth brushing time? " At this age- they are experimenting with so much stuff- best to keep the simple stuff simple.

[Ophelia]

Thanks! Demonstrating hugs instead is a great idea.

That makes sense about informational instead of asking, I'll try and get into the habit of doing that and see if it makes a difference. I know I have said "let's brush teeth" but he still ignored me. But it's hard to know exactly how much verbally he's understanding.