How do you handle delayed gratification?

[ajsmom]

At least 4-5 times each day, 3 yr old ds will ask to do or have something that isn't possible just then. I try to answer positively with a "yes, good idea for when we go outside later..." or someting like that. It usually works but when it doesn't, ds melts into a puddle of crying, stomping, unhappiness the needs a "mommy drink about that" and even nursing doesn't quite do it for him.

I think the stomping is beginning to get to me too. He can't seem to stop himself once he starts ramping up into the meltdown/tantrum. I gently explain that stomping his feet isn't going to work but then he cries so hard that nursing him at his sobbing request is the only thing that helps.

I am worried that he thinks his stomping is getting him what he wants because he probably needed to nurse or the equivalent nurturing with a book or a snack and melting down worked for him.

Any suggestions for us would be greatly appreciated. These brief sessions are starting to seep into the rest of our fun day and I want to nip this in the bud.

Thanks,
Rebecca

[kama'aina mama]

Just a thought, but what if you head him off at the pass?

"That's a great idea! We can do that when XYZ! Will you be okay with the decision to wait a while or do you need mommy drink to accept it/ think about it?" or such like.

I look at it like this; the stolping is his limited vocabulary telling you "Hey, I'm at my limit and need some nurturing." So if you offer the nurture up front he A) has a chance to examine the whole idea. and B) will probably need less of it than when he has gotten himself in a state first to get it.

[Mallory]

I find that even for pre-readers a note can do amazing things-
"bubbles outside after lunch" then let him have it or hang it on the door

Is this thread any help?supporting through a tantrum

Teaching our children to know and express thier emotions in ways that are appropriate is one of our biggest challenges. Most of us have grown up repressing our upset emotions, and don't even know (or are continually working on) better ways. I don't think this can be done at the time he is already melting down, it is going to take a lot of talk and practice at other times of the day.
Have puppet shows where someone is really frustrated, talk about it at bedtime, and try to show what you do more clearly. Things like saying what you feel- I get so angry when we can do it now, I am going to have a couple minutes in my room alone, or I need to yell into a pillow.

[levar]

We still have this issue with "no", but... I do one of three things with pretty good success. I either say "after..." lunch, dinner, movie, sleep, tub, etc using regular every day stuff.

Or I set a timer. [Which reminds me too actually.] We have a fancy digital kitchen timer that can be set for up to 99 minutes 99 seconds. We use it constantly at home for everything. My husband also got a watch [that I now use] that has a timer on it that I can set for up to 99 months if I feel like it. It does Month, Week, Days, Hours, Minutes, and Seconds up to 99 each. We use it constantly outside the home for everything.

Or I point to the specific time on a watch or clock. [Analog, not digital.] I bought batteries for every watch hubby and I ever owned. We have a LARGE selection now. Taylor and I each wear a watch most of the time and he knows which one is the "big" hand. So I tell him "when the big hand is on the ..." and point it out.

This keeps ME honest which is where I think our biggest problem is/was. I tend to SAY "in a minute" but dont mean it, etc. Now, if I say it I better mean it because Taylor will hold me to it.

PS. We also use alot of either/or choices these days. I say "You can have/do/etc Either [this] Or [that] AND you pick by count of three or I'll pick. 1, 2, 3." And usually by the time I get to three he picks one of the two options without a fuss.

[ajsmom]

Thanks for the suggestions and the link!

The only time that really frustrates me is after breakfast and dinner. He finishes before me and then wants to nurse, NOW. I have explained to him in every nice way I know that once I have finished eating that I would be happy to nurse. He doesn't want to hear it.

I have asked him to come over and see how much food I have left to eat and what sometimes happens is that he eats more, h-m-m-m. Perhaps he can't sit in his seat for more than a few minutes but when he gets hungry he requests a mommy drink.

He asks so nicely so he doesn't understand when he must wait. That's the hard one to explain because he keeps trying to ask in a nicer and nicer tone thinking THAT will work. He says, "Shall we please have a mommy drink on the bed with a street sweeper?"

And we do.

I'll get the hang of this and then it'll be something else...
easy - hard - easy - hard - easy

Rebecca