Visiting Family Overseas... time, expense, agony, and fun! - Page 2

[1jooj]

Oh, Lisa, I commiserate. My ILs live in N Africa, and we have the same dilemma. It's the same conversation every year. We try to manage to go every 2-3 yrs, and it's always the same stupid/funny issues. Like we take extra unpaid time off, and by the end of a week, we end up ready to go home. All told, the whole expense of the trip is $10-12K, and if we'd do it this year it would be much more than that. We spend thousands on tickets, another thousand of gifts no one really cares for, and thousands more to buy them things once we are there (big-ticket items like appliances, used cars).

ILs live in a mountain village with no running water, electricity installed recently, and no road. So once we're out there, we're stuck. No bathroom, not even an outhouse, no shower as long as we're there, no private room. People nosing through our luggage and asking for what personal effects we have room to bring for ourselves.

They end up slaughtering a mutton for us to eat over the course of several days, and as badly as we want to be polite, we can't bring ourselves to eat it. The children and I develop diarrhea and our bodies end up covered in flea bites. By the middle of the second week, I am weepy and insane, and everyone thinks I hate them. I beg dh to take us somewhere, he ends up planning some lame little day trip and sneaks us away. When we get back, the ILs are angry because we were gone too long, and then MIL has some sort of vague episode of "illness" that lands her in the clinic so dh has to sit at her side until it's time to leave.

Last time we went, I swore the only way the kids and I will go again is if we go for just 10 days, we rent a car, and we stay in a hotel in a nearby town and make day trips out to the village to hang out. If they want us to stay overnight, they need to be ready to provide clean, flea-free space with a private toilet and the chance to have some quiet time alone at day's end. I doubt this will ever come to pass. So it might be a while before we all go again.

I don't have a solution, but I feel your pain. I am trying to position myself as more of an authority, not looking to earn anyone's respect or trying to be liked. More of a take-it-or-leave-it offer. I don't need them to like me. I want the kids to have some fond memories of them--but if they end up too sick to have any memories, what's the point?

[Turkish Kate]

Hey, Lisa! Long time no chat! Thought I'd do some surfing through this multicultural forum I keep forgetting about and found your thread. I think it's great that you are willing to go to Iran--and on your own, no less--so that your children can know their grandparents. I've known so many multicultural spouses who wouldn't deign to travel accompanied, nevermind alone. And to Iran. Without a working knowledge of Farsi. You've got some chutzpah.

I know that it feels like you're putting your in-laws out by having special dietary requests, but keep in mind that in Islam, guests are a gift from God/Allah and by treating with you with respect, they are respecting God/Allah. Don't feel bad at all for refusing lamb, and as Mahtob (?) pointed out, hey--it's even cheaper for them! (Is chicken still cheaper than lamb? Bird flu altered that a bit here, but not sure about Iran.)

You can always stop and see us in Istanbul, we'd love to have you, gots plenty of room.

UmmIbi--LMAO at your shower story.

[superstella]

My dh's family is in Greece, and this summer will be the second time that he's making the trip without me. Last time he took only one child, this time he will take two. I feel the same, I want the kids to know their family there, and know the language, but there is no way I can make the trip this year. I give you kudos Lisa, for having the gumption to go on your own without dh and without knowing the language.

[DavinaT]

First of all, I think your DH needs to play a bigger part in family holidays particularly as you're spending them with His family.
I second the idea of learning the language and maybe if DH doesn't suggest them joining you in Turkey for a holiday, then you suggst it to them. Or how about they come to see you in intervening years - every fouth year they go to you and every second year you go to them.
On the holiday time issue, if your husbands businss is doing well - could you afford to take some unpaid leave to add to your holidays?
1jooj - fair play to your tenacity. I don't think I could spend a week in somewhere with no running water and no roads, not to mind my entire holiday. No bathroom , no shower, no private room and fleas - Argghhh. No I would have gone stir CRAZY within days.

[Liquesce]

I'm a little surprised that so many seem to think it's simple to have even just a U.S. tourist visa as a citizen of a country with whom the States have a questionable relationship.

At any rate, the very best advice is to learn the language. I know it's not easy, but I speak from experience -- the more you are able to communicate independently, the more you are able to travel independently and find things to do independently, the better a time you will have. I look at my time in Egypt when I didn't speak the language at all as a kind of superficial blur -- the difference communication makes is just fantastic.

Aside from that, honestly, if your husband really can't get away and you consider it reasonable that he can't, I would look at going as a sort of a responsibility that just happens to suck up my vacation time, not a vacation so much itself. Just one of the possible downsides of marrying outside of a local community ... family before leisure when one has to make a choice between them, you know?

[grumpybear]

Originally Posted by MCR

I had no idea, you think if was parents visiting a married child, it's ridiculous that they won't be given a visa, So sorry.

Some countries are just on the "HOT" list of the US, I guess.
I've spent too many times getting my US visa renewed in the US Embassy in the Philippines to see people being denied visas to visit their dying parent, sister, brother in the US.
It's truly heartbreaking sometimes.

[lisac77]

We're Back!!

Hey all, thanks for keeping the conversation on this thread going!

We got back last night and all in all I'd say it was the best visit we've had. The one BIL that speaks passable English and understands most English has retired so he agreed to "take care of me" in DH's absence. DH did end up coming for the first week, then he went home and we stayed for another week.

The visit was too short for us to go too stir crazy, and after some ironing out of details (i.e. 8 PM is not a good time for BIL to show up to "take us out" as DS was falling asleep at 9 PM). We were able to get out of the house most days. And the elimination of the big party the night before we left (drove me SO NUTS because that's the one night we needed to go to sleep EARLY, HELLO) things went generally smoothly.

I swear DS did not eat a thing the entire time we were there. We had a layover in Detroit last night and I took him to a little diner because he wanted lemonade to drink. He wanted mac and cheese and I swear he had a religious moment when the server set it down in front of him. His eyes got so big. Then when he took the first bite he went all Homer Simpson on me, "Auuuuggghhhh, mac and cheese" and "Can't talk, eating." He has not been without food in both hands since we got up this morning. Right now he is eating a blueberry pancake and an apple.

As soon as I get the pictures up on flickr I will post a link here for those who are interested.

Oh and Kate, thanks for the invite! We may take you up on it the next time we go over there... I've been bugging DH to take Turkish Airlines so we can spend some time in Turkey.

[lisac77]

Originally Posted by 1jooj

Oh, Lisa, I commiserate. My ILs live in N Africa, and we have the same dilemma. It's the same conversation every year. We try to manage to go every 2-3 yrs, and it's always the same stupid/funny issues. Like we take extra unpaid time off, and by the end of a week, we end up ready to go home. All told, the whole expense of the trip is $10-12K, and if we'd do it this year it would be much more than that. We spend thousands on tickets, another thousand of gifts no one really cares for, and thousands more to buy them things once we are there (big-ticket items like appliances, used cars).

ILs live in a mountain village with no running water, electricity installed recently, and no road. So once we're out there, we're stuck. No bathroom, not even an outhouse, no shower as long as we're there, no private room. People nosing through our luggage and asking for what personal effects we have room to bring for ourselves.

They end up slaughtering a mutton for us to eat over the course of several days, and as badly as we want to be polite, we can't bring ourselves to eat it. The children and I develop diarrhea and our bodies end up covered in flea bites. By the middle of the second week, I am weepy and insane, and everyone thinks I hate them. I beg dh to take us somewhere, he ends up planning some lame little day trip and sneaks us away. When we get back, the ILs are angry because we were gone too long, and then MIL has some sort of vague episode of "illness" that lands her in the clinic so dh has to sit at her side until it's time to leave.

Last time we went, I swore the only way the kids and I will go again is if we go for just 10 days, we rent a car, and we stay in a hotel in a nearby town and make day trips out to the village to hang out. If they want us to stay overnight, they need to be ready to provide clean, flea-free space with a private toilet and the chance to have some quiet time alone at day's end. I doubt this will ever come to pass. So it might be a while before we all go again.

I don't have a solution, but I feel your pain. I am trying to position myself as more of an authority, not looking to earn anyone's respect or trying to be liked. More of a take-it-or-leave-it offer. I don't need them to like me. I want the kids to have some fond memories of them--but if they end up too sick to have any memories, what's the point?

All I can say is... you have more strength than I do because there is NO FREAKING WAY I would go in that situation. NO WAY.

But oh do I feel you on the weepy and insane bit... been there, done that, hated every second of it. I know at least one of the SILs thinks I am completely cracked, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it.

[Turkish Kate]

Congrats, Lisa! Glad to see you survived the in-laws! What kind of fun things did you do while you were there? See anything good? Shop any great bargains? Inquiring minds want to know . . . .

[EuxJai]

I hear you all on the traveling sucking up all the vacation time...

We live in Quebec.
My parent just retired and bought a condo in Morrocco where they will now be spending most of their time.
My sister lives in Switzerland (where we grew up).
My MIL lives in BC (Canada's West Coast).
My FIL lives in Iran...
... and the rest of the extended family (uncles/aunts/cousins) are sprinkled a bit all over the place (mostly US/Germany/Czech Republic).

You can imagine that there is NO WAY we can see everyone on a regular basis. We manage to see my MIL several times a year (she flies to visit and we go maybe once a year). We see my parents & sister about once every 2 years (we alternate between us going and them coming). And we see FIL about once every 3-4 years (when he comes to visit as we haven't yet managed a trip to Iran).

It's hard; but in our situation we need to have a "rotating" schedule to go visit everyone somewhat regularily. Since we don't want all of our vacation time to be consumed with visiting family, we generally combine it with some kind of other trip to a NEW place. For example, we are planning a trip to California (San Fran/Napa) in the coming year and we'll most likely "append" to that a short hop to Vancouver to see MIL.

[USAmma]

Wow sounds like a challenge! I'm glad it went well!!!

I can totally relate to the 24 hour plane ride! My dh is from India and it's about the same to get there. We just went with the kids last summer. My 7yo had a great time but it was very hard traveling with a 3yo!! Especially one with health issues including a severely restricted allergy diet! I can also relate to your feeling there's nothing to do. Unlike the US, I can't drive there. There are no clean parks, no playgrounds, and the mall is very crowded and not very kid friendly. We sometimes travel around that area but it can be very complicated-- you probably know what I mean. Hotel reservations get lost, things come up. You just can't stop at the local gas station for snacks, you have to pack everything. When you get there late at night, the restaurants might not be open.

We have decided we are not going back until it's a lot easier for us to manage the kids. Like when they are way older (maybe 10 and 7). We will go in the summer because rates are a lot cheaper and we can stay longer. I wonder if it's possible for your dh to make the trip alone more often so he can see his family. That's something that dh and I talked about. We may also make arrangements to fly there with the girls when they are in their early teens and they can stay the summers and someone can fly them back to the US. That way they get the full cultural immersion.