the 6 year old doesn't like the 3 year old....

[MamaLisa1]

and I don't know what to do about it. We give him every chance to try and have a nice sibling relationship and he wants nothing to do with her. Tonight, things seemed like they were going well, so we suggested getting the sleeping bags and getting out a movie and having popcorn...a fun sleepover. Even our teen girls are doing it, but Jacob wanted nothing to do with it because Emma was doing it. If we try to have them do anything together, he will decide not to participate anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. He says she's annoying, which is true to a degree...but she also loves him to death and if he is upset or hurt, she is the first one to run to him. If we scold him, she takes up for him "Don't yell at my bruddah!!!" But he seems like he wouldn't care if she went away and never came back. I just don't know what to do anymore. He gets upset when the older girls don't spend time with him because they are doing other things, but he won't give Emma the time of day. If she even walks into his room, he will scream at her at the top of his lungs to get out.
Can anyone help me?

[pjabslenz]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. My 8 y/o ds has told me occassionally that his 4 y/o sister is annoying and talks to much but he gets along with her too and they can enjoy each others company.

Maybe have a talk with Jacob and validate his feelings..."Yes, sometimes little sisters can be annoying...I notice you get annoyed when Emma follows you around, wants to build blocks with you, goes into your room, etc."

Have you tried talking with him about how he used to follow his big sisters around, wanted to be with them, looked up to them, etc?

I'm wondering if talking with him about how he's a part of a family and sometimes others may do things that annoy us but we try to get along. My friend shared a story with me once about how her nephew had been mean with her son when he was about the age of Emma. Her nephew was about the age of Jacob. I think her situation was more extreme than what you describe because her nephew would hurt her son as well. Here is how she handled the situation. She took her nephew out one afternoon for ice cream. She told him how she noticed that he's been mean to her ds and it's was really making her sad. She wanted to know why he was doing certain things to him. He ended up telling her that he didn't like sharing things with him, even down to Gramma & Pappap's attention. She ended up telling him that she loves him very much, that this would never change but she is really sad because she won't be able to spend time around him anymore. He was curious to know why and she simply told him that as a mom it was her job to keep her ds safe. Since he was hurting her ds and being mean everytime they were together, she couldn't bring her ds around anymore. Her nephew didn't like that idea so she suggested they think of some ideas that might work so they could all be around each other. He told her he'd start being nicer and would ask for help if her ds was bothering him. It worked for her and they get together quite often.

It sounds like your ds is already choosing to remove himself from family activities. I'm sorry I don't have more to share. I'm curious to know how things work out.

[MamaLisa1]

yeah, it seems like we can talk to him about it until we are blue in the face. I've pointed out every aspect of it that we can think of! I had a talk with him last night and asked him some questions which he answered correctly, but I am not sure if he was just answering them that way because he knew that's what I wanted to hear. He did end up participating in their little movie/sleepover thing because he did start to feel left out, and we also wouldn't let him play any video games instead. He's addicted to them, and we struggle every day to limit his time on them. He is a genius at them, and I really feel he will do something with computers or something like that someday. He can completely finish video games that I've seen much older kids have trouble with. But...he needs to spend less time on them.
I worry so much about him...more than any of the others at this age. He is a social introvert...has no friends, and never has. Last year, we scheduled a birthday party for him, and no one even called except one mom to RSVP, and they weren't even coming. Other than being nasty to Emma, he is the sweetest little boy with the rest of us, and is always hugging us and saying he loves us. He is also funny (at home at least) and loves to smile and laugh. I am not sure what happens when he is with other kids, and since no one has ever wanted to come for a playdate, I can't tell. I have watched him play with his cousins though, and I have never seen anything that was worrisome or out of the ordinary....they play fine.
I guess all we can do is keep encouraging them to interact nicely together and praise him for being nice to her when he is.

[leafylady]

What does his teacher say about his relationships with other children?

[Meg Murry.]

Originally Posted by MamaLisa1

and I don't know what to do about it. We give him every chance to try and have a nice sibling relationship and he wants nothing to do with her. Tonight, things seemed like they were going well, so we suggested getting the sleeping bags and getting out a movie and having popcorn...a fun sleepover. Even our teen girls are doing it, but Jacob wanted nothing to do with it because Emma was doing it. If we try to have them do anything together, he will decide not to participate anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. He says she's annoying, which is true to a degree...but she also loves him to death and if he is upset or hurt, she is the first one to run to him. If we scold him, she takes up for him "Don't yell at my bruddah!!!" But he seems like he wouldn't care if she went away and never came back. I just don't know what to do anymore. He gets upset when the older girls don't spend time with him because they are doing other things, but he won't give Emma the time of day. If she even walks into his room, he will scream at her at the top of his lungs to get out.
Can anyone help me?

Sorry...I can't really help. It's a shame sometimes -- parents have this vision that their kids will love each other and it'll all be one happy family, but sometimes, it's like a woman's reaction would be if her husband came home and said, "Honey, I'm getting married to a new, younger wife. She'll require all of my attention for awhile, which means that you won't really be getting much of anything beyond the basics, and that'll last for about two years. Then you'll learn to play with each other."

Yeah.

My suggestion? It sounds like your son needs some time with JUST YOU, doing something for JUST HIM. I think for many kids, having a younger sibling represents a fundamental breach of trust between their relationship with their parents -- a fundamental alteration of the relationship, at the very least, and one that most of them had no say in. Maybe some rebuilding time, in which you do some things on a regular, sustained basis JUST for him.

Hope that helps.

[Meg Murry.]

Originally Posted by MamaLisa1

yeah, it seems like we can talk to him about it until we are blue in the face. I've pointed out every aspect of it that we can think of! I had a talk with him last night and asked him some questions which he answered correctly, but I am not sure if he was just answering them that way because he knew that's what I wanted to hear. He did end up participating in their little movie/sleepover thing because he did start to feel left out, and we also wouldn't let him play any video games instead. He's addicted to them, and we struggle every day to limit his time on them. He is a genius at them, and I really feel he will do something with computers or something like that someday. He can completely finish video games that I've seen much older kids have trouble with. But...he needs to spend less time on them.
I worry so much about him...more than any of the others at this age. He is a social introvert...has no friends, and never has. Last year, we scheduled a birthday party for him, and no one even called except one mom to RSVP, and they weren't even coming. Other than being nasty to Emma, he is the sweetest little boy with the rest of us, and is always hugging us and saying he loves us. He is also funny (at home at least) and loves to smile and laugh. I am not sure what happens when he is with other kids, and since no one has ever wanted to come for a playdate, I can't tell. I have watched him play with his cousins though, and I have never seen anything that was worrisome or out of the ordinary....they play fine.
I guess all we can do is keep encouraging them to interact nicely together and praise him for being nice to her when he is.

My two cents:

1. The video games are a retreat from reality. They are allowing him to retreat into what you probably also suspect is an inner world which is far more rewarding to him than the real world.

In my opinion, I would gradually eliminate them. Sorry if this sounds cruel, but the problem that I see is that he needs to negotiate with real people -- the ultimate in "interactive activities." I think the video games are a reaction to having no friends, but also a cause of it.

2. Since he has no friends, the relationship he has with you assumes incredible importance because you are the only egg in his basket.

It's no surprise he does not like Emma. She is a threat to that egg.

I would definitely give him something to do besides video games -- and that includes spending more time with him one on one. Have you thought about having him involved with a chess club or a board game club -- somethng that's still game-focused but which involves interaction with flesh people?

[leafylady]

The video games may be a problem for your son, but I don't think I'd call them a blanket cause of anti social behavior. For many children, video games are very social activities. My 8 yr old son is constantly playing video games and he's also the most social, dare I say popular, boys in his class. So video games don't equal anti-social behavior.
Again, I think his teacher's input would be useful at this point, the input of someone who spends a lot of time with him but is not related to him.

[abi&ben'smom]

My ds didn't want to have anything to do with his younger sister until she could really play with him. Now they play all the time (they are 8 & 6). They still get on each others' nerves, don't get me wrong, but definately better now that they are older.

[MamaLisa1]

Originally Posted by leafylady

What does his teacher say about his relationships with other children?

his teacher is me now that he is homeschooled. his last teacher had no input about anything we ever asked, which is partially why he's not in that school anymore.

[MamaLisa1]

I don't know that I feel the video games are the cause of his behavior, but I feel that they don't help. I notice that he is more aggressive, and less patient on the days that he plays them too much. Having a child who specifically chooses to play video games instead of playing with his humans to me, signals a problem, which is why we are limiting him on them more all the time.
He does go to some homeschool groups, and there are times when he seems to interact well with the other kids, and then other times he doesn't at all. My concern is that he has never developed any one on one friendships with anyone outside our home also. He has a wonderful relationship with my husband and me, and he does get time with us individually, but I really want to encourage kid relationships, and to also encourage him to be caring, loving and pleasant with his sister.