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Originally Posted by derek scott  Had fights with family? Lost family?
I'm hoping to identify common threads and themes to help address the current challenges for men wishing to father well. Your honesty is appreciated.
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When my wife and I married it started a few problems,
we eloped. My in-laws were not informed. My MIL and I have been butted heads even before we were married. So that has made something even harder. I felt there were times when my MIL has overstepped the line. I have felt that she made decisions for us that may have impacted us financially and did so without informing us until afterwards.
Shortly after we had married we were informed that my wifes family had purchased a health insurance policy for her, this was laid out to us by MIL while FIL was there but didn't interact. (Normal Pattern for them) We were not consulted, nor were we even asked if we would be interested. On another occasion MIL removed a large portion of money from an account while we were out of town and "couldn't reach you" - even though the phone #'s we left were still hanging on the fridge 3 years later. Long and short of it I find it nearly impossible to trust MIL. FIL is a different story, great guy, good hearted and helpful. But my feelings and our interactions with MIL have created a LARGE amount of tension between my DW (and yes she is very dear) and I.
I know that I am very much like my MIL. If it needs done then let's do it, oh your not ready? Well too bad it is getting done.
My wife and I separated when DD was 5 months old. I am at fault, no one else not my wife, she's always been great even when I didn't see it. Much of the reason we separated were that I wanted control and was going to have it my way. Much like I see MIL doing. Long and short of it is that I can not see how MIL and I are ever going to make a mends. Where we won't find ourself at odds with each other.
Things with DW seemed to be on the mend, but I have doubts about my ability to continue to endure what I see as manipulation by my MIL. We have been separated nearly 3 months, we are talking, we are working on things together, we spend time with each other, we want to do what is best for our DD, and we know we want to find common ground to bring our family back under one roof. At least that is what I was feeling, reading and having indicated to me by DW.
Today the topic of getting a health insurance policy for DD came up. Right off the bat I was on the defensive. I know it was a
reaction to the last insurance policy suprise. DW said she'd called for info on it, I said I didn't find that believable based on the past problems with MIL. DW said that it was her idea, after asking if anyone or MIL had given input prior or prompting to the call, she indicated MIL might have said something.
DD currently has health coverage. Costing us nothing. No deductible, No co-pays, great coverage. Choice of Dr.'s.
My problem with this whole things is that MIL, who manages all their family money issues, as I see it is trying to do that here. She isn't looking at what we know about our current coverage or what the effect might be on our small pocketbook.
The new policy is an 80/20 with a 500 deductible. Conservite figures are around $1300 more per year out of our pocket. Right now DW and I are both verily making it - we are both living in 2 different places, 3 cars,
gas, car insurance, tags, etc. So adding this kind of burden to our backs seems to me to be a foolish thing to do, and very intrusive.
Overall the intrusiveness has not been an ongoing thing, but when it happens it is a big one. IL's are good people, regular church attenders, involved in local school, girl and boy scouts and much more. What I have a hard time dealing with is that they don't talk to both of us, even when we were living in the same house. We've explained how we are trying to reconcile, FIL is working with in that framework. I think MIL is working just the opposite, MIL did offer to help with a divorce if my wife wanted it. No conversation on talking with our minister, counseling or the like, just straight to divorce. This indicates to me that MIL is still working to see MIL's desire for us not to be married.
Now with DD in the picture this is even harder, we've cut MIL off from our life for 3 months about 2 years ago. We don't see that as an option and therefor we feel frustrated. My DW is at odds with me of MIL, DW feels I am "jaded" in regards to MIL. Which is true!!! I look back and see the past performance and hear those commercials for stocks, past performance does not indicate future returns, and I think YEA RIGTHT!
I'd say that finding a balance between our family and IL's is the hardest.
As for friends, varies some are still there, but they have children and of course that means that their world is tied up also. No blame on them, just facts.
Sorry for the Rant.
So covering basic safety stuff would be great. Or at least pointing out that momma has read 25 books to Dad's one (or 60 pages of one in DH's case).
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