Moms of girls- do you run into this?

[hattifattener]

Okay, so this wasn't annoying, exactly, but definitely intriguing to me. I was in the community center dressing room without dd and couldn't help but overhear some other mamas discussing their boys. One was pregnant with her first child, (a boy), one had two boys, and one had one boy. (I don't think they even knew each other- funny how the info comes flying out when us mamas get together!)

The woman who was expecting was talking about some research she had been doing about raising boys, including the following quote: "See, boys are different than girls- we need to figure out how to get them what they need in a school setting. Boys need physical movement and excitement, and our current school system isn't meeting their needs." That may be true, but I was sort of surprised to see all the other seasoned mamas nodding their heads emphatically, like, "Yep, boys are funny like that."

I'm not sure if they've been around little girls much or not, but my little Titan definitely needs physical movement and excitement. She's an Amazon! She's a ping-pong ball!

I dunno. I definitely wasn't offended by what these moms were saying, and I don't have a boy, so for all I know they could be right, that boys need soooo many more opportunities to blow off steam. But do you ever get the impression, when talking with a mom who has only boys, that they sometimes see raising a girl as one big long tea party? With everyone sitting quietly, and nobody jumping on the bed and claiming to be a famous acrobat?

[Leersia]

I had to chuckle when I read your post . . esp. your quip about one big long tea party. I have two very active 5-year-old boys, and I'm sure I've been guilty of thinking that moms of girls have it easy. But then I go and visit a friend of mine with two daughters (whom I love dearly), 5 and 3, and . . hooo boy, they make my guys look like shrinking violets!

[FancyPants]

In my limited experience (and readings) when it comes to active kids, a much higher percentage are boys. When I parent help in my kids classrooms, I find that it is usually 10 little boys fidgeting (and being directed to be still/quiet) and 1 little girl fidgeting (and being directed to be still/quiet).

And I am one of 4 girls. I'm not sure I'd want to reexperience the drama that went on between us. or the whining...

but that might have been our personalities and nothing to do with gender

At any rate I don't imagine a long tea party.

[Needle in the Hay]

I don't think it's one long tea party, I was a pretty active, demanding child myself. But I do think it's different. The way my DS moves, the way he approaches you when he's wound up, the noise level, and when he's gotta move it's gotta be now.
My DS doesn't just jump on the bed, he sets up cushions and jumps down the stairs--we have a steep loft staircase and he'll jump from the top (gives everyone but me a near heart attack when he does this) though I try to keep him below step 8.

And of course those moms weren't saying that the girls should just stay inside sitting while the boys move, they were just saying that the boys (most of them) really need more freedom of movement and space than school allows. Some girls do too, but the common school set-up of many kids in a classroom sitting at desks/tables and on the floor quietly is even harder on boys.

eta: I have only sisters and I used to think that moms of all boys really didn't get it! Now I know that there are things moms of all girls don't really get either.

[hermionesmum]

As a Sunday School teacher and Mum of two girls, learning how to do boys has been the biggest challenge for me. Girls aren't a tea party by any means, but I've not met a boy yet that can be still for more than 45 minutes, and that's the more mature ones. (I lead a group of 5-7 year olds.)
It's also really easy to crush them if they can't meet your expectations, (though girls are no different in that respect,) it seems to be much easier for a boy to be labeled naughty than for girls, who, however challenging they may be, are more able to express themselves verbally.

If anybody is interested from a teaching perspective I found this book:
Bringing the Best Out in Boys: Communication Strategies for Teachers

Bringing the Best Out in Boys: Communication Strategies for Teachers by Lucinda Neall

really, really helpful.

[Demeter9]

I run into this all the time.

Drives me batty. I'm sure that there might be something to what they are saying but it isn't a great divide. My girls, particularly the older one, are unstoppable balls of energy. All the things I hear about boys are her.

Honestly, my son is calmer than either girl was at the same age. I think they simply get a lot less leeway for it. People want to sit on them much fast ern much harder than my son.

[Aubergine68]

I have a dh who was a very high-energy child, a dd age 9 who has her father's energy in a lot of ways, a 4 yr old ds who is calmer in many ways, and a 1 yr old ds -- all toddlers are high-energy.

I've also done home child care for six years now and have had all-girl groups and all-boy groups. I didn't used to believe much in these kind of gender differences, but I sure do now.

My daughter has always been what you'd call a tomboy, always had some trouble sitting still -- but only relative to other little girls I know. My son is quieter -- but only relative to other little boys. Besides having trouble sitting still, all the little boys I know seem to love to wrassle on the floor with each other, they see someone walking by and give them a friendly shove for no apparent reason. Little girls in my experience are not physically aggressive like this -- one hitting another is huge drama! -- but they do a lot of "I'll play with her but not you!" and "I'll only play with you if you play the game MY way!" kinds of social bullying behavior to show aggression.

At my daughter's school there is a lineup of children at at the office at lunch where adhd meds are dispensed. They are all boys in the middle grades or higher. It is a French Immersion Catholic school that emphasizes academics. There are 12 girls in her class and 7 boys and this low numbers of boys is not unusual throughout the grades. A lot of boys with "behavior problems" get pulled by their parents, too and the school doesn't seem to do a lot to help them as far as I can tell.

The school works very well for my daughter, but as the mom of two little boys approaching school age, all this scares the crap out of me. I plan to start my boys in the same school, nevertheless, but if it is not working for them, I will pull them out and homeschool them in a red-hot minute.

I've been doing a lot of reading about the "crisis" of boys. I'd recommend Leonard Sax's books [U]Why Gender Matters[U], http://www.whygendermatters.com/ or his new one, Boys Adrift http://www.boysadrift.com/

or Michael Gurian's The Minds of Boys http://www.gurianinstitute.com/book_...ion_minds.html


Thanks for the recommendation of Bringing out the Best in Boys hermionesmum. I'll be looking for that title too!

[Pancakes]

Just from my experience of having one of each child, there is no difference between girls and boys when they are younger. It's when they get a little older that I see a bigger difference, even then it's minimal and just personality preference. I assume full on puberty will change things a bit, but I'm not there yet with my kids. However, I do wonder how much the difference is encouraged by the parents. When I've seen little girls be all girlie and the boys be rough and tumble it's usually because the parents put them there. These are just my observations and have no basis in a formal study.

[nancy926]

I've asked my DH about this- he is a SAHD so he goes to all of the playgroups, etc. He says that boys are much more likely to be running around "wildly" than girls. our two girls certainly can be active and wild, though. So maybe it's just more common in boys.

I also think it depends on who is playing with whom. DD1 has friends that she will play quietly with for up to an hour. And then when she's with other friends, they run around and shriek.

[A&A]

I thought I knew energy, having a very energetic girl first.

THEN I had a boy. And I was like you, vowing that I'd never give in to what "they" say about gender differences. But wow. I learned a lot about energy!!

[becoming]

My girl is actually *much* more physically active than either of my boys have ever been.

[aprildawn]

My oldest DD bounces off the walls all the time, is destructive, and loud! It drives me batty. I've wondered if there was something wrong with her and thought about having her evaluated for ADHD.

A friend of mine once asked me if her behavior would bother me as much if she was a boy. I had to admit that it wouldn't. So, I dunno. Maybe my DD is the exception.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by hattifattener

But do you ever get the impression, when talking with a mom who has only boys, that they sometimes see raising a girl as one big long tea party? With everyone sitting quietly, and nobody jumping on the bed and claiming to be a famous acrobat?

One of my aunts had 5 boys. She had wanted a dd, but that's the way it goes.

Once she came over to our house (I have a sister 3 years younger than me) and I think *that* (tea parties & such) was what she was expecting. Instead we were running around shrieking having smeared oil all over ourselves from the well.

I think she felt less bad about only having boys after that :

[AuntNi]

It's funny, because when my DD and her girlfriend get together, it is pretty much one big tea party! I had two nephews before I had my DD, and they are totally rambunctious, and nobody can hear themselves think when they're playing. So it's really novel when I get together with my girlfriend and our DDs play quietly while we moms have a nice chat. I'm sure it's just a personality thing.

[annekevdbroek]

I have two boys, no girls. Sure, both genders are quite active. There are individual variations for all characteristics, including activity level.

However, I go help out at DS1 pre-K and as a PP noted, they boys, overall, are more squirmy, active, etc. The girls, on average, are a little more able to stay on task. Both genders need physical activity, running around, etc. I just think that on average, across a large number, boys are more wiggly and physical.

I didn't believe in a gender difference in this regard until I had my own children and saw it first hand.

DS1's favorite playmates are the high energy girls - who are generally even more physical and active then he is.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by hattifattener

I dunno. I definitely wasn't offended by what these moms were saying, and I don't have a boy, so for all I know they could be right, that boys need soooo many more opportunities to blow off steam. But do you ever get the impression, when talking with a mom who has only boys, that they sometimes see raising a girl as one big long tea party? With everyone sitting quietly, and nobody jumping on the bed and claiming to be a famous acrobat?

Yes! I can't stand it when people refer to their boys being so energetic and tougher than a girl when they have no girl of their own. My DD is waaaay more energetic than either of my sons are. I have two older boys and a 5 yr old DD and she is loud, hyper, stubborn (and we love her for it). Her days don't stop until her head literally hits the pillow at night and her days begin very early each morning. In fact, everyone asks us if she ever sleeps at night. Yesterday the ILs were visiting and she was literally jumping off the walls while they were here out of excitement. That's just who she is. She's not quiet, she's not lady-like and she's not shy. And sure she'll have a tea party but it will be one loud, rockin tea party.

So in our situation with two very laid back boys we were surprised when we had a girl that is so wild after hearing other people say that their girls were easy. Not always the case. We love it though! She'll be one tough cookie when she's a grown woman. I like that.

[glendora]

For years and years, school was not considered too docile for boys. All of a sudden, the percentage of women in college is slightly higher than men, and we've all got to panic about how school must not be physical enough for boys? Lame.

[chaimom]

My best friend's daughters behave like one long tea party! She says they play for hours alone and quietly in their room. (They're 5 & 8.)

She thinks my boys are... wild... since they are wild! Anyway, everyone told me when I was pg with my dd that she'd be so "easy" and the things that she did would "make sense" vs. my wild little men. Fast forward 2 years... um, no. I think temperament is a genetic thing. My three are whirling dervishes and I love it (most of the time.)

P.S. I don't think kids should have to sit still in school. Half and hour is by far the longest they should have to sit-- boy or girl.

[~Boudicca~]

My 4.75 y/o DD1 is off the wall. Most of the time. Her 2 friends are boys and she drives them nuts. I have often heard that boys are more energetic, but I don't have any boys to compare her to except for these 2 kids.

I was always the energetic little girl in my elementary school years, the one couldn't sit still or stop talking. But then again I've been diagnosed with ADHD, so that could have something to do with it.

[rmzbm]

My 6 yr. old DD is every bit as "active" as my boys are, maybe more so!