or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › **THIS IS LONG**Considering temporary care of DS to be placed on maternal grandfather
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

**THIS IS LONG**Considering temporary care of DS to be placed on maternal grandfather

post #1 of 72
Thread Starter 
I have NO IDEA if I am even posting in the right place. I am LOST!

In order to recieve as much information and support as possible I need to tell the story from day one, as abbreviated as possible of course!

I gave birth to DS at age 18. Alone, terrified, and knowing that there was the option to adopt but choosing to care for him and not give up on him or myself. I finished out highschool, and lived with my mother for approx 6 months after DS birth. Realizing too quickly mothers cannot live with daughters being mothers. And chose to move in with my father. My son and I lived here with Dad until 5 mos. later he signed lease over to DS and myself and moved out to live with his gf.

My dad has been a major secondary role model in DS life since day one. taking him to "mommy and me" swim lessons since age 2 , coming by everyday to help with difficulties arising between DS and myself etc.

DS is diagnosed ADHD, non medicated by my choice. Severe behavioural difficulties, listening is NOT his strong suit, school is a nightmare, tidying bedroom and everything mundane daily routines is like pulling teeth with no annesthetics.

Shortly before DS 4th birthday found out I was expecting again with my partner of 3 1/2 yrs. Unfortunately, he chose to walk away saying "I am not ready to be a parent to my own child" i argued that he had essentially spent nearly 4 yrs parenting DS but this didn't matter. He was not ready. I let him walk away.

From day one it had always been 100% attention givin soley to DS. Just Mommy and Me. Day in day out. I knew once new bundle of joy arrived there would be some issues with sibling rivalry and jealousy but NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think it would get this bad.

After the birth of second child DS not only was dealing with divided attention of my time, energy and love (from his perspective) he also was dealing with the loss of ex and now introduction of my re-meeting highschool sweetheart and began dating eachother hoping to rekindle romance lost. From the beginning I knew this situation of partner, DS baby and I was not going well but by this point assumed like many single moms do; I will never get anything better. I must settle. I will regret this thought process for the rest of my life for what it caused between DS and myself and falling apart of family as a whole.

He was emotionally crude, rude, and abusvie to not only myself but DS also. It wasn't until later he became physically abusive but by this point it was too late. I was expecting another baby, he was taking off on a weekly basis. going to work in the A.M, my going about daily routine and preparing meal for dinner, only to realize at 10pm he had no intention of coming home. I was stuck. DS #1 was stuck between watching Mommy fall apart at the seams and lil brother crying ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT! (He was colicky) AND to top it all off, knew that I was to have yet another baby. This is when things got really really bad.

DS and I stopped talking, and began the journey into what we have become. We yelled, we fought all the time, he would never listen nor acknowledge anything I said. He would lash out at his baby brothers, myself and school friends. My sweet caring compassionate lil boy was turning into a spawn of satan himself! And I felt it happen, I would love to be able to say i never saw it coming and feel better about not having acted soner but I DID!! I saw him slipping away from me. I watched as my words to him became less affectionate and less caring as they had been for the four yrs alone we had spent together attached at the hip. I hated myself for letting it happen and not doing anything about it But i had no idea where to begin!

By a year later we had moved into a house. And partner still occasionally involved with his two (DS 2 and 3 were in his mind the ONLY children in the house. DS 1 was ignored, pushed aside and left to his own devices) While all the time I watched it like an idiot caught in between a crashing boat and the peir. i should have moved and tried to stop it but I was just too run down. I had no clue what to say or do. I just let him ruin my son. He would watch his step father scream, yell, throw things, walk out mid conversation b/c he didnt like what I was saying. I watched him as he looked at the swaering, namecalling, shoveing, pushing. hitting. I was helpless!!! I was ridiculously STUPID! I shoujld have just found a way to leave. But i niavely thought one day he would change and we would fix everything then and be a happy family like he promised one day we would be.

Now nearly 3 yrs after leaving DS has become what I jokingly refer to friends as the husband I never wanted. But it is sadly the truth. He has become exactly what my ex was!

Now to presently, 6 mos ago my father (DS grandfather) came to me and approached me with the idea of himself and my step mother taking temporary custody of DS to give us both the break we despirately need, the distance between himself and his siblings, Now 3 yrs old son, 4 yrs old son and 15 mos old daughter. Who all suffer each day in watching my frustrations build, anger build, yelling escalate and fights errupt for seemingly no reason at all. This house is not a safe house for oldest son myself and siblings to live in. I rejected the offer from my father at the time saying "NO! I have made him the way he is. I need to fix this. I will not give up on my first born! I won't do it"

That ended my relationship, and DS' with his grandfather. We just could not see eye to eye on anything anymore. He said that if I wasnt going to accept their help that he wanted nothing to do with us anymore pretty much. This was the hardest thing for me being Daddys lil girl to go through and DS having lost yet anther man in his life. I have F**ked him up so badly for all the mistakes I have made in raising him and putting him through all that I have.

A month ago things hit their breaking point between my son and I. He had not progressed to hitting not only his siblings who at all times I cannot keep away from him otherwise risk him feeling more isolated. He now hits me. He shoves me. He spits and throws things, swears etc. EVERYTHING ex used to do. I have many support systems in place, Childrens Aid, Family Services counsellors, school therapists, weekend breaks where all my 4 children go to gfs fo rme to have "me time"....but it's just not right. I love ALL my children equally but cannot function healthily with 9 yr old abusive "husband" in the picture. We need serious help. If he is not home, during school week etc. Our house has flawas yes, occasional fight breaks out between 3 and 4 yr old but Nothing compared to stress with 9 yr old home.

I called my father who again I havent spoken to in months! And cried to him. I asked him if the offer is still there. We are now in process of setting school transfer and everything up for him to leave next week.


PLEASE HELP! I feel ike a failure as a mother b/c I can handle my 1,3 and 4 yrs olds better than the 9 yr old I had and vowed to stick it out thru thick and thin.... My line is far too thin now and I am at the end of my rope!
post #2 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by singlemomof4 View Post
...That ended my relationship, and DS' with his grandfather...He said that if I wasnt going to accept their help that he wanted nothing to do with us anymore pretty much....
OOOOOOH You never told me this part. I thought you chose to distance yourself; but the fact that he was doing it to try and 'force' you into doing what he wanted makes me extra super mad. What a UA violation!!

Since we already talk about my views and idea's on the whole situation; I'll step aside here and let other's give you some thoughts and idea's.
post #3 of 72
First, of all I am so sorry for all that you have gone thru. It sounds like you are taking responsibility for your part in this whole mess which I think is a great thing and will only help make you a better human, mother, friend, daughter, etc.
I do not think it was right for your father to cut you off, but then again, he was probably frustrated watching what was going on with your life, your children, etc and couldn't sit around and watch it anymore, it was probably too painful.
That being said, it sounds to me that your little man needs a fresh start, a new atmosphere. You can take the next couple of years to get yourself together, maybe finish your relationship with your SO and move on completely, maybe go to school, start working on yourself. I think it will be a good thing for your 9 year old to get that second chance, it is not too late for him, deep inside he is still that little boy who just wants his mommy and his family to be whole, so to send him to live in a home with love and attention will be a gift. Make sure he knows that its not that you don't want him, but that his grandfather wants him so much.

Good luck and remember, you deserve a good life too.
post #4 of 72
WOW. I think you need some serious counseling, for both you and your children. Even if you allow your DS to move in with Grandpa, don't think ALL the problems are going to magickly "go away" and every one will be hunky dorey, because it wont. There are tons of issues at play, and it all starts with you.

I don't like the idea of "let him live with me, or I won't talk to you " but, on the other hand, I'm sure it was SUPER painfull to watch you go through this with your children.

Put your children and their safety first and foremost. Get counseling.

I hope there are more experienced people out here that give you better advice than I have.
post #5 of 72
Thread Starter 
Just note. SO is not an equation. Left him 3 yrs ago.
post #6 of 72
First let me say that I'll be praying for you today. I cannot imagine how hard all of this is for you. I know you love all your babies and it must break a mother's heart to be in this type of situation.

Second you need to know that it took a whole lot of dysfunction to get to where your family is right now and it's going to take a whole lot of work to get to a place of healing.

Last, I am not anything but a mama myself and so not qualified to give any theraputic type advice but I can give you some ideas.

1.) Therapy - some serious hard hitting in your face therapy to deal with the very real and very powerful emotions on all sides. Not someone who's going to pander to either your son or you but someone who will tell you the truth even if it hurts so that you can really make progress.

2.) You are aware that there was a lot you did wrong that has brought all of this about...what you need to do now is change those habits and thought processes in yourself so that you can change the habits and thought processes in your family. What I mean here is - it's time to put your emotional needs aside for a little bit as regards a partner and focus on your children's needs. As you've said your son is a lot like your ex. You've gotten rid of ex and now need to teach your son that ex is gone because that kind of behavior is not accepted.

3.) You have to stop fighting with your son. I recommend what I might call "aggressive loving." When your son hits you, yells, spits, etc then you run TO him (not away) and hug him (by force if necessary) and hold him and say calmly but in a voice that he'll know you mean it and you're going to keep meaning it, that you love him. What will most likely happen is that he'll fight you to get away. He'll say awful hurtful things to you. It'll get worse before it gets better. But I really believe that what your son wants more than anything is to know that you love him and that he is more important to you than anything else in the world...more important than exes and so important that mommy is willing to do everything in her power to love him. I foresee a breakthrough eventually if you'll keep doing it where in the midst of the fighting against you one day he'll break down in tears and cry. Then you can talk. Until then you've got to love him whether it's against his will or not and tell him you love him until he believes it.

4.) You need to ask his forgiveness. There's a lot of things that you've done that in his eyes makes you the bad one in the situation. Some of that is justified. You need to confess to him all of it and ask him to forgive you. Let him see the brokenness in your heart for him. His response will probably not be favorable but you still need to do it.

5.) Remember he's a child. He's only nine years old. In so many ways he's still such a baby. You cannot expect him to think or act like an adult or carry any kind of responsibility in the relationship between you and him as an adult would. You must carry it all and not become the needy child yourself. Now I'm not saying this because you are but just to kind of refocus you from seeing him as the "husband you never wanted" to the baby that you wanted all your life.

6.) However the logistics of custody and living arrangements work for now the goal in the end must be to restore your family (you and your children) back together in wholeness. Maybe your ds needs some time away right now but you have to make sure that he and you and the other children and grandfather - everyone - knows that ds will be coming home eventually. What you don't want is to make him (ds) feel like you're throwing him away or just getting rid of him. I know that's not what you're doing and you know it but ds is a very hurt and probably scarred little boy and needs to know it. (Just telling him probably won't be enough.)

Mama, I'm sorry that things are so very hard for you right now but with God's help all can be restored. I will pray for you today and hope that you will all seek out the professional therapy you need. Sending you :
post #7 of 72
I grew up in a bad situation. Not quite the same, but just as bad. I started staying with friends when I was about 12.... and my mother let me go probably because she knew deep down that it was better for me I know. BUT I still feel like she gave up on me. I think that if you send your son to live with your father, he may feel that you are giving up on him. (he is not at an age to understand) I think that you both need major help, but I am not sure that him moving away from you is the way to do it. Could your father come to your house and stay with you for a while? Maybe he could help that way. Im not sure what to advise, but I am so sorry for your situation. I applaud you for taking responsibility for your role in this.

I sincerely hope that things change for you, and your family.
post #8 of 72
There is a difference between a threat and a statement of what one will do in a certain circumstances. Notifying her that he wouldn't continue to be around if she didn't take his offer is not necessarily an attempt at coercion. Just providing her with that info for her to take it into consideration in making a decision.
post #9 of 72
Thread Starter 
First let me say that I'll be praying for you today. I cannot imagine how hard all of this is for you. I know you love all your babies and it must break a mother's heart to be in this type of situation.


Precious Treasures...

Thank You So much!!! I cannot express words of grattitude in response to your message. I have spent the last 24 hours crying. This made me pause for aminutes, cry some more and then felt better. The thought that complete strangers can say something so moving and helpful to me not even knowing me personally blows me away! Thank you again.
post #10 of 72
You have a lot going on. I want to address one specific issue that may help relieve alot of stress for you and your son which could help put your family back on track.

DS is diagnosed ADHD, non medicated by my choice. Severe behavioural difficulties, listening is NOT his strong suit, school is a nightmare, tidying bedroom and everything mundane daily routines is like pulling teeth with no annesthetics.

By choosing not to medicate you are making his life and your life so much more difficult.I do not in anyway agree with the medications for this but when things are that bad( he abuses you and your kids) i would seriously consider it. He could be calm,rational and actually excel in school with help.I have seen this with many children who found the right treatment and the right dosage. It changed the entire families lives. If you are adament against med's then you must have a place where you live who specialized in special needs children. Getting a behavioral therapist to intervene could help your family immensly. A behavioral therapist can come to your home and observe and then set up a plan to help you with dealing with him and vice versa. Your son will be hitting puberty before you know it and this will only compound things.

I hope you look at this as helpful information and supportive, which is all i mean by it.
post #11 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by PreciousTreasures View Post
...Not someone who's going to pander to either your son or you but someone who will tell you the truth even if it hurts so that you can really make progress...
You knot you have me here to do this. I'll tell you the hard truth if you want it; and I'll walk with you to help you sort through the problems. I've already promised this; but I just wanted to remind you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PreciousTreasures View Post
...He's only nine years old...
I think this will be the most difficult thing to remember. When he was here last night; I had to remind myself how young he was. He looks and acts older than his age in many ways (what I mean by that is that he's a very responsible boy); and helping him with his homework; I kept finding myself caught off guard that his writing wasn't very good....and had to remind myself that he's only in third grade so of course it's not. I imagine it would be extra difficult to remember how young he is when you're dealing with him every day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PreciousTreasures View Post
...You cannot expect him to think or act like an adult or carry any kind of responsibility in the relationship between you and him as an adult would. You must carry it all and not become the needy child yourself. Now I'm not saying this because you are but just to kind of refocus you from seeing him as the "husband you never wanted" to the baby that you wanted all your life....
I quoted that, because it was worth repeating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PreciousTreasures View Post
...the goal in the end must be to restore your family (you and your children) back together in wholeness. Maybe your ds needs some time away right now but you have to make sure that he and you and the other children and grandfather - everyone - knows that ds will be coming home eventually...
Right. This is what I mentioned the other night. This can be a good solution if it's used properly. The goal is to work towards a better future. You definitely need a clear, concise plan and timeline. I will definitely help you with this if you want me to.
post #12 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Lilya View Post
There is a difference between a threat and a statement of what one will do in a certain circumstances. Notifying her that he wouldn't continue to be around if she didn't take his offer is not necessarily an attempt at coercion. Just providing her with that info for her to take it into consideration in making a decision.
I expressly disagree. There were other ways BOTH her parents could have helped. It takes the active participation of many people to raise children properly; and she's been very much left to her own devices. It was "my way or the highway"...when it could have been "ok, how about if he comes here one weekend a month to take a load off you?" or "can we enroll him in some therapy and I can come pick him up and bring him there for you since you have no way to do that". She didn't want to send her child to live with him; so he decided to withdrawl all help.
post #13 of 72
Thread Starter 
This is all VERY overwhelming to me to see such a great response so far. I have so many things going on in my head, heart and home that I cannot possibly reply to each post individually. I will however say that at a time when the chaos of kids running around (bedtime) I will respond and include as many quotes, etc as possible.
Thank you for your support, words and thoughts.

I do have to add just one thing here before it slips my mind. Not medicating is my choice not b/c I dont realize the benifits of medications but b/c I am not sure the diagnosis was correct. At present time in process of waiting for confirmation of appt with Child Psychologist to run many more tests to determine where he is at.

Also. He has individual support for behaviour modification in class at school. As well as Kinark Family service worker who comes inhome EACH week with new ideas, plans of action etc.
post #14 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
If you are adament against med's then you must have a place where you live who specialized in special needs children.
Another option if you don't want to medicate is heavy education on nutrition to see if the ADD diet-type ideas work for your son. I know families who have used it successfully, but it can be tedious. If he's truly got a neurological issue, then you need to look to some type of treatment for him, whether it's traditional medication or alternative treatments.
post #15 of 72
This is probably going to seem like such an elementary suggestion at this point... but have you considered mega doses of a good quality fish oil for him? This is a fantastic natural mood stabalizer and regardless of the true diagnosis it is wonderfully healthy! Can't hurt either way. I totally respect your need to make sure that he is properly diagnosed.
post #16 of 72
I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this.

If you had a healthy relationship with your parents, then I could see the value in letting DS go live with Grandpa (or is it Grandma and Grandpa?) for a while. But under the circumstances, I'm not sure it would be the best thing for him- would it feel like he was being "abandoned" by mom? The way your father handled the separation months ago is very telling- would it have been too hard to call DS on the phone occasionally?

It sounds to me like your 9yo has some kind of mental health problem that needs to be treated. He's not doing well without medication right now. Certainly try the fish oil and take him off artificial additives in his diet (have you looked into the feingold program for him?) but he may need some medication as well, at least in the short term.

If you do decide to let DS live with your dad for a few months, be sure that whatever paperwork you set up is temporary. You don't want to have a custody battle on your hands next year.
post #17 of 72
Thread Starter 
I think it would be wise for me to inform all of you that the title for the post should not read "Considering" I wasn't sure how to word it to say it has been indefinitely decided the best solution for DS, myself and other children.

I am only putting this as an add-on b/c alot of you are making suggestions for things to do with him living with me. I want you all to know this is happening. In 5 days I will no longer be a stay at home single mom of 4 but rather it will go down to 3.

Although I appreciate all the input and advice for coping strategies , I would prefer to not be in reciept of "you can try" "you should do" etc posts. I guess what I am really looking for is support in dealing with this for myself, DS1,2, 3 and DD. Through the entire process. If that makes sense.
post #18 of 72
You know what? You're gonna be ok. You guys will get through this, ds will get the help and support and the one-on-one attention that he needs right now. Let BluRaz help you out and be there for you (I truly enjoy seeing her posts all over mothering) and you will be there for your ds and your other 3.

It's ok. He's going to be fine.

Check Ruthla's siggie for the Feingold program . We had our ds (Asperger's syndrome) on it for a couple years and it was GREAT. I really helped us get through a rough patch w/ his behavior.
post #19 of 72
post #20 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Milkymommi View Post
This is probably going to seem like such an elementary suggestion at this point... but have you considered mega doses of a good quality fish oil for him? This is a fantastic natural mood stabalizer and regardless of the true diagnosis it is wonderfully healthy! Can't hurt either way. I totally respect your need to make sure that he is properly diagnosed.
And how much sleep is he getting? At least 10 hours a night? Not getting enough sleep can mimic/cause ADHD symptoms.

I'd highly recommend reading the book Unconditional Parenting
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › **THIS IS LONG**Considering temporary care of DS to be placed on maternal grandfather