or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › **THIS IS LONG**Considering temporary care of DS to be placed on maternal grandfather
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

**THIS IS LONG**Considering temporary care of DS to be placed on maternal grandfather - Page 2

post #21 of 72
Thread Starter 
Plan on letting BluRazz help me. She's my outlet for everything. She's been a godsend to me in the past 6 months for sure!
Also, about sleep. DS gets adequate amount of sleep each night. He takes melatonin, goes down 9 pm and is up at 7am. The behaviour has significatnly gotten better from what it was before melatonin.
post #22 of 72


Sorry you're going through this.

Read your update post and I do want to give you a lot of support.

It sounds like your dad was harsh and that must have hurt, but it also sounds like he truly loves your DS and you and wants the best. I'm sure it will turn out really well. Your DS can be the center of attention for a while, still get the help he needs, and you can focus on your other LO and yourself and get yourself on track towards being what you want to be in every area of your life.

It takes a lot of courage to recognize and do the best thing for your child, even if it is breaking your heart, which I imagine it is. It is the essence of AP, though, to meet your child's needs at every stage and it sounds like your eldest son's needs, at this stage, are going to be better met with your dad and stepmom.

If you haven't already (and I know you didn't want "shoulds" in here!), I would sit down and explain that you're *not* abandoning him and that this *isn't* about him being "bad" but more about you all getting on track and him getting a lot of special time and attention from grandpa.

Hang in there. You sound strong and like you're really trying to create a good family despite all your difficulties in the past.
post #23 of 72
Thread Starter 
This is breaking my heart more so today after having sat DS down and had "the talk" last night. To try to explain to him this is not something that is his fault, but rather something we both need more than anything. He argued and pleaded and cried "No Mommy, I can change, I will be better. This is all my fault." I kept holding him by my side crying with him telling him that I know he can change, and be better but that the ONLY way right now at the point we have reached for this to happen is for us to TRY this. I have explained that there will be really hard times ahead, but in the end that I love him and we want him home with us again.

He was very reluctant to call and speak to his grandfatehr about any of it. Saying to me that it was not a good idea he try to talkto my father. He insisted that he would get yelled at, and I explained that there was nothing he could feel or say wrong. He did not want to talk still and said to me "it is not okay for me to swear and scream at Grandpa?" I replied no that swearing is not okay. He said "well then I cannot talk to him. Finally I managed to convince him to talk just for two minutes while I despirately needed to change his sister. This worked great! He cried and was angry and wouldnt talk for the first 5 minutes. But then spent 45 mins on the phone talking about all the things that would happen.

My father is bringing me boxes this week, we have a meeting Thursday to put all concerns, ideas out on the table between my Dad and myself. With my Childrens Services worker in my corner as the middle man.

Today is a new day....or so everyone keeps telling me.
post #24 of 72
Thread Starter 
24 hours without him and counting....I made it through last night. I feel empty and bare. Missing him like crazy. I don't know if I can make it to the end of the school year...I really know I have to but I just can't think past the next five minutes right now
post #25 of 72
I am so sorry you have to go through this.
post #26 of 72
I just want to give you a big ((HUG)), OP.

My story's not exactly the same as yours, but my DS1 sounds like your DS1 - the first child of a young single mom, the ADHD, the upheaval in his life that I felt SO guilty for...... even the grand-parents who would step in with an offer like the one your dad laid out if things got really bad. I could have been in your exact shoes if I'd made a few slightly different choices. I know what it's like to make choices as a *woman* that make you feel like a bad *mom*... HUGS, HUGS and more HUGS.

You've gotten great advice from the other posters here and it sounds like you've taken a lot of it to heart. I would have said a lot of the same things. Therapy is a really good idea - and GOOD therapy, the kind that makes you spill it all out on the floor and put it back together again.
And really being vulnerably honest with your son and telling him you're sorry for things is a good place to start. I've said some painfully private things to my son, let down my guard and let him know that I was sorry for decisions I made. It was hard, but he deserved that from me and I promised him a few years ago that I would NEVER create drama and unhappiness in his life ever again and have held onto that promise like gold. You can turn this around. You've got a good break point here where you can start out on a new foot and be that mom you really want to be.

I'd also at least consider medication for your DS's ADHD. I put it off for a long time, blamed myself for his behavior, pretended if I was a "good mom" it would all just magically fix itself. After I got our life back together and everything had calmed down, it was still an issue, though. A lot of DS's angst came from really not being able to do the things he wanted to do - play happily, do well in school, have close friendships, etc. I think medication should be a last resort, but it is helpful for some kids. We tried all the diet changes (really wasn't much of a change for us, since we already stayed away from a lot of the "trigger foods"), tried supplements, limited TV, etc. I would at least keep it as an option to consider if it seems like you're making great progress in your relationship, but he's still struggling.
post #27 of 72
Quote:
It takes a lot of courage to recognize and do the best thing for your child, even if it is breaking your heart, which I imagine it is. It is the essence of AP, though, to meet your child's needs at every stage and it sounds like your eldest son's needs, at this stage, are going to be better met with your dad and stepmom.
I just wanted to quote this so you could read it again. Given the current situation and the fact your ds has ADHD, he needs much more one-on-one time and consistency than you can give him right now while he works through the issues he is facing. You are not dealing with a typical child so the remedies to the difficulties between you cannot be solved with typical solutions.

You HAVE NOT failed him by sending him to live with your father. You will only have failed him if you don't move forward and learn from this. Just getting him away from the constant negative interactions between you will likely make a huge difference for him.

Sometimes extreme situations call for extreme solutions. I really commend you for making such an impossible decision for your child. It is truly unselfish to want to allow him to go somewhere else in an effort to help him instead of hanging on at any cost. I sincerely hope you both get the help you need
post #28 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by singlemomof4 View Post
I think it would be wise for me to inform all of you that the title for the post should not read "Considering" I wasn't sure how to word it to say it has been indefinitely decided the best solution for DS, myself and other children.

I am only putting this as an add-on b/c alot of you are making suggestions for things to do with him living with me. I want you all to know this is happening. In 5 days I will no longer be a stay at home single mom of 4 but rather it will go down to 3.

Although I appreciate all the input and advice for coping strategies , I would prefer to not be in reciept of "you can try" "you should do" etc posts. I guess what I am really looking for is support in dealing with this for myself, DS1,2, 3 and DD. Through the entire process. If that makes sense.
Makes sense... just so you know I was suggesting the fish oil regardless of where he is living. I was assuming you'd still be working on finding solutions for him even though he wouldn't be with you. I think you'll have renewed clarity with a little time and you'll be able to be the greatest mama you can be for ALL of your kiddos. It's not forever... but imagine what effect your choice might have on forever? Good things are heading your way
post #29 of 72
Thread Starter 
Just a quick update.....three days and counting. And this isn't getting any easier! DS#2 is taking this really really hard. He won't eat, he is sleeping all the time and refuses to even talk to me about it. He goes to school eachday and is so sad. He doesnt play with the other children at recess b/c it used to be his time with his big brother. His gr 3, 9 yr old brother used to shaft his own age friends each day just to spend that hour with his 4 yr old kindergarten brother, he misses him so much!

I am just waiting it out and hoping eventually he gets back to himself. DS #1 called us tonight, I havent talked to him since he left on Sunday. I started crying right away when I heard his tiny voice, it's been almost 9 yrs having him aruond every single day and finally it hits me during our phone call tonight how little he still is! Why didn't I see this before? I hate that everyone is going to be thinking the exact thing I am "you dont know what you have until it's gone" BUT it's the truth! I hate the truth! He is going to call me again alter before bed. Lets hope tonight he actually does. Last nigh the emailed me saying he loves me and misses me and that he would call later but never did. I went to bed with my phone in my hands just incase.

More another time when I am not so bumbarded with dishes, diapers and bathtime.

Somebody tell me the missing will cease some point soon!! My heart feels so empty and bare it's killing me.

post #30 of 72
post #31 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by singlemomof4 View Post

Somebody tell me the missing will cease some point soon!! My heart feels so empty and bare it's killing me.

Why does it have to be a complete separation? It could be healthier for all involved (especially DS) for scheduled phone calls - if not every day, a couple of times a week. Use this opportunity to stay current as to what is going on in his life. During his calls allow him time to speak with his siblings and take this time to calmy try to mend some of the relationship.

Just a suggestion.
post #32 of 72
I'm not qualified in any way to comment here, but wanted to offer and hope that things will soon improve for you and your family.
post #33 of 72
I just want to give you a big hug. It must feel so hard and overwhelming to all of your family right now.

My mom had a really hard time with my brother around age 10/11. ADHD.. he was on ritalin, lots of fighting between parents, divorce, etc. At one point my brother pulled a knife on my mom (I don't think he would have really hurt her), and she called the cops. My brother then spent some time in a psych hospital. I know my mom regrets a lot of the decisions she made during that time, but regardless of it all my brother is a wonderful 25 year old. He is even getting married to a wonderful girl next month, and they seem to have a good relationship. Despite the violent behavior my brother showed in his pre-teen years, he has grown to be a compassionate and gentle person.

I say all this in an attempt to give you some hope that it will all work out. You obviously love you little boy... make sure he feels that from you. The best thing my mom ever did for us was apologize, cry with us, and be vulnerably honest about her love for us. Send care packages to him if you can, a card or note in the mail can mean so so much!
You are in my thoughts. You will get through this.
post #34 of 72
Wow! I cant imagine what you are going through

But I'm a little confused. Why are you so against medicating him? Just b/c you dont think he has the proper dx, its worth a shot to keep your son with you and his siblings. And therapy? It can do alot of good it situations like this.

And kids tend to blame themselves, no matter who or how often you tell them its not, they still will. He very well could grow up to think he is damaged goods and even his mom gave up on him. That can really mess with a child's and even an adults self worth and send them spiraling out of control.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I think you need to take a step back and really ask yourself, "did I try everything for him?" and I think if you listen hard enough, you will find the answer.
post #35 of 72
do you have a scheduled visitation with him? the time away is good i think and I HOPE that your father is one of those older school men who is classicly good to women and shows it PROMENTLY when your ds is around? from what i quickly gather is he learned the bad stuff from your ex and he is STILL impressionable. i would say that 1x a week or so you trade with your dad. he gets your 3 little ones and you and your ds spend an hour (or whatever) together. that way your still influnecing him but not near him enough to be disciplining him (which i think is what stresses you the most!). learning from someone who he LIKES (grandpa) but has not really been "under" can really change a person.

i also say counseling maybe even one on one AND family at the same time is certainly a plus. you've already admitted that the choice in men has hurt the family but YOU will need to learn some new things too....and it takes FOREVER to teach yourself!

hugs!
post #36 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by angie7 View Post
But I'm a little confused. Why are you so against medicating him? Just b/c you dont think he has the proper dx, its worth a shot to keep your son with you and his siblings. And therapy? It can do alot of good it situations like this.
I got the impression that she believes his behaviors are not chemical problems but due to learning from imitating his step-father. In that case, chemicals wouldn't be a long-term solution, but they do have the potential for long-term risks.

So she sent him into a new environment with better male role models, and a chance for a new start with a new way of interacting with people so he can build a new dynamic for himself in this world.
post #37 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Lilya View Post
I got the impression that she believes his behaviors are not chemical problems but due to learning from imitating his step-father. In that case, chemicals wouldn't be a long-term solution, but they do have the potential for long-term risks.
She claims he had problems before the step-father moved in. Of course that didnt help and it did make it worse, but in order to keep my son with me, I think I would try ALL avenues before letting him live with someone else. Even if it wasnt meds, I would at least try therapy. I wouldnt expect him to just 'come around' after the life that he has lived and seen. It's going to take some work. And I would still seriously consider therapy now.

My heart goes out to the little boy. I'm sure he is sad and confused and doesnt understand what is going on.
post #38 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by angie7 View Post
She claims he had problems before the step-father moved in. Of course that didnt help and it did make it worse, but in order to keep my son with me, I think I would try ALL avenues before letting him live with someone else. Even if it wasnt meds, I would at least try therapy. I wouldnt expect him to just 'come around' after the life that he has lived and seen. It's going to take some work. And I would still seriously consider therapy now.

My heart goes out to the little boy. I'm sure he is sad and confused and doesnt understand what is going on.
Let's try to be supportive of this mom as she is clearly going through a difficult time. It is very easy to say what you would do in a situation like this if you have never been there. And unless you HAVE a child who displays symptoms like ADHD you really cannot understand the dynamic. Their home was in crisis, and in order for change to happen something drastic HAD to happen. It is better that the drastic thing that DID happen was for the boy to spend some time with people who love him and cherish him rather than the many other things that could have transpired. It isn't like she sent him off to foster care because she was tired of dealing with him. She had him live with grandpa for a while in an effort to HELP him.

I think it is important to help this mom where she *is now* and not tell her what she should have done instead. Guilt won't help her or her ds. Support and help for where she *is now* will.
post #39 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by angie7 View Post
She claims he had problems before the step-father moved in. Of course that didnt help and it did make it worse, but in order to keep my son with me, I think I would try ALL avenues before letting him live with someone else. Even if it wasnt meds, I would at least try therapy. I wouldnt expect him to just 'come around' after the life that he has lived and seen. It's going to take some work. And I would still seriously consider therapy now.

My heart goes out to the little boy. I'm sure he is sad and confused and doesnt understand what is going on.
She has other children to think about too. How could she devote to him all the attention he needs at the expense of the others? And it isn't like she disposed of him! She sent him to live with loving grandparents who want him there and can give hin the needed attention.
post #40 of 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justthatgirl View Post
...Let BluRaz help you out and be there for you (I truly enjoy seeing her posts all over mothering)...
AWWW thanks. :

Ok; down to the serious here....

Quote:
Originally Posted by angie7 View Post
...Why are you so against medicating him? Just b/c you dont think he has the proper dx, its worth a shot to keep your son with you and his siblings...
Surely you're not suggesting giving a CHILD medication just to see what happens?? Especially not medications as strong as ADD/ADHD medication!! We're talking about altering the chemical makeup of the human body here! That requires something far more accurate than just "try it and see"; wouldn't you agree?

Quote:
Originally Posted by angie7 View Post
...therapy? It can do alot of good...
The best of the OP's resources are being used; but therapy is expensive and the free stuff has a waiting list. We need other options too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by angie7 View Post
...And kids tend to blame themselves, no matter who or how often you tell them its not, they still will. He very well could grow up to think he is damaged goods and even his mom gave up on him...
If she'd just dropped him off on the doorstep and left; I could see this being a probable outcome. While it's possible that he may take that road in the end; it's not likely. In order to understand why; you'd have to know more about the situation. I think he'll come out knowing this was for him; for his family; and for the best.

Quote:
Originally Posted by angie7 View Post
...I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I think you need to take a step back and really ask yourself, "did I try everything for him?"...
Honestly Angie; I have to say - I think you're not realizing how bad you're making her feel here. Don't you think this thought pattern had run through her head many times before this point? I can attest to the fact that we've discussed this very thing.

The major problem was that she was a single mother of FOUR with very little regular help. Her family could have been involved for stress relief on a weekly basis. She has enough extended family that they could have been involved once a month each and she'd have the help she needs. Even if it was just someone coming in so she could take a walk or go get a coffee on her own for an hour. But that wasn't the help they offered; and the OP was backed into a corner and holding the world's weight in stress on her shoulders. She did the best she could with the resources she had; and it wasn't enough.

Quote:
Originally Posted by angie7 View Post
...She claims he had problems before the step-father moved in....
Sure she did...the child's OWN father took off on him. I can tell you that he's got deep-seeded anger issues about this; and doesn't have the words to express himself yet. This situation is far more complicated than the OP could ever write here; and it's really important to remember that when replying on this thread. Please keep this in mind.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › **THIS IS LONG**Considering temporary care of DS to be placed on maternal grandfather