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**THIS IS LONG**Considering temporary care of DS to be placed on maternal grandfather - Page 3

post #41 of 72
Originally Posted by Blu Razzberri View Post
[SIZE=3][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=royalblue]The major problem was that she was a single mother of FOUR with very little regular help. Her family could have been involved for stress relief on a weekly basis. She has enough extended family that they could have been involved once a month each and she'd have the help she needs. Even if it was just someone coming in so she could take a walk or go get a coffee on her own for an hour. But that wasn't the help they offered; and the OP was backed into a corner and holding the world's weight in stress on her shoulders. She did the best she could with the resources she had; and it wasn't enough.
I'm sorry, I didnt mean to hurt her feelings, that wasnt my intent but I see now how I have. And I can understand what your saying above about being backed into a corner. The stress of children is so hard on anyone, let alone a single mama with 4 little ones, one of which is harder then most. I just hope that she reaches out to her son, which I'm sure she will. And its a shame that her family has not been there for her...I do with her and her son the best.
post #42 of 72
Hi. I'll start off saying that I don't know you, your son, or the whole of your situation. Everything I am about to say comes from love, and MY personal experience Which is bound to be completely different than anyone else's here, Please take from it what you may and toss the rest! (sorry, lord knows I've given you enough to toss here, just wanted you to be able to understand where I'm comming from)

My story. I am 25. I am the oldest of four children. I have always been extreamly passive. When I was 21, due to some abusive circumstances, I left my mothers house where i was living in the garage, lived in my car for several months, then met my current partner and moved in with her (halfway across the country from my hometown). It took her three days to realize I was gone, at which point she learned that I was simply gone and wouldn't be back. She didn't know where I was living until I turned 22.
In early 2005 she called my phone and begged me to take my then 13 year old sister, the child was refusing to go to school, smoking, sneeking out, and hanging out with gang members. I paid for the child's plane ticket, picked her up, threw everything she brought with away that wouldn't come clean (that amounted to maybe three items.), and begged, borrowed, and bought everything else - underwear to jacket.
I found out that she was 1)still sucking her thumb and carrying a "lovey" everywhere she went. 2)having sexual intercourse with a 16 year old, and 3) smoking marijuana.
It took us a week to get her into school and properly clothed (there was still snow on the ground here and where she is from, it hasn't snowed in '84)
She seemed to adjust well, had counseling every week, made friends, went from no school to perfect attendence, honor roll, and being excited about picking out classes for her freshman year of highschool.
Five months later she crashed, started sneeking out (or at least trying), sneeking cigarrettes from friends at school, and threatening to kill herself. We put her in the hospital three times, before finally handing her over to CPS and a GREAT foster mom who let us see her almost right away and was very supportive and understanding. (I continue to be impressed with how cacring and understand the entire CPS system was with us, they tried everything to help us!!!) She continued to do well there.
After two weeks in foster care, they managed to find her mother and she came and got her (it was two weeks before the 6 month mark in which the child wouuld be a legal resident of our state and mother couldn't take her freely : )
As soon as the child returned home, everything went back to the way it was before coming to us, with the exception that she was now angry that "mom" had sent her away.

What I learned from this is that children do need their mothers -everyday- even if it is just to see them and get hugs and talk about how school went and what they are doing with their friends (I'm not saying it isn't ok for him to stay with your dad, just that you need to go to him EVERY day, pretty much no matter what...). Also, if you don't demand the child be returned to you full time within xxxx amount of time, you run the risk of losing custody of them and it is difficult to get it back. Finally, no matter how much it sucks, they want to be with their mommy, all the time.

My suggestions, although I am young and inexperienced...
COUNSELING!!! they do family sessions where the therapist may come to your home and help in the environment, as well is individual sessions. (I don't know where you live, however, here we qualified for medicaid for the minor, and that included $5 out-of-pocket sessions)
One-on-one time. Even if it means putting every one in bed 20 minutes earlier than their next-oldest sibling, that 20 minutes is the next kids in line, and then you could even tell your son that he goes last because he's the oldest and you want to spend EXTRA time with him and give him 30-45 minutes before tucking him in, just like the younger kids got(even a story - he'll say it's dumb, but he'll secretly dig it!) ((Secret: My favorite book has and will probably always be "Love you Forever" it's a little sad, but is also a great opportunity to show that you really do love him forever (when he was nine years old, he made HUGE messes and said bad words, but... )...))
Did I mention counseling?
Consistency. No matter where he ends up, be sure that they are willing to follow the same dicipline that you use. If they aren't sure how you would handle a situation, they need to ask you. (This will also help to aviod I'm going to go live with grandpa, I get to do more stuff there!!!)
Love, just love all of them with all you've got, and if you feel your need to feel loved, ask them for it. "honey, can I please have one of your extra special super strong love you mostest hugs???" and revel in it.

And, I just realized that you have four children and there just happend to be four weekends in almost every month. Between your father and the people on here who it sounds like you know personally, would it be possible to sent three of the four to someone else every weekend (maybe thee someone else's, alternating between the three people and four children - so they are with someone different but still loving every time) and keep one of them with you? Friday night to Sunday afternoon, JUST me and mom and no one else grown or kids fighting to steel MY attention!!! is a great treat that dosn't have to cost much at all (sorry, I am pooooooorrrr-think crayons and printer paper taped to the underside of the kitchen table) Maybe on those 5 weekend months, you could find someone to give you a weekend off too?
I know it's hard and that you are afraid, be strong, you will find the strength somewhere.

post #43 of 72
Thread Starter 
So here we are into week two of him being gone. I miss him more now than I did to begin with. My father is being a dink of epic purportiosn right now too. Only heard from DS once last week, Wednesday night. (twice that evening but just that evening) Then he went to his weekend respite he's been in for weeks and normally they have a set time to make a phone call home to say hi, I love you and goodnight, I fully expected DS would ask to call me. Turns out in talking to him yesterday morning at 7:30am that he DID ask to call me but they would not let him!!! This is not what his extended visit with my father is supposed to be about! It is supposed to be a break for the two of us from the chaos we were in and help us get back on right path towards a healthy happy relationship. Not total isolation and ignoring him asking to see and talk to me.

In talking to DS yesterday morning he brought up something I had mentioned about buying new beds for my boys (DS1,2 and 3) and he says to me "Mommy do you think next time you see Grandpa you could give him a picture to show me what my new bed will look like?" I replied quickly saying "How about I get a picture and show YOU when I see you" Well! I heard him turn from the phone and ask my father "Grandpa when will I see my Mommy? I want to see her soon" And quickly after this heard him begin to cry, my father muttering something in background and him quickly saying to me "Mommy I have to go. I have to go. " and hanging up the phone on me. Seriously!!!! So this prompted my phonecall to my Childrens Aid Worker so she would know what is happening, and know also that this is not going to work. I want the access ban lifted that my father seemed to think was right to put in place. I want my son home each Wed from 5pm-8pm to see me, I will send other children to gf's for bit. And also I want him home each Friday night from 5pm-Sat morning for family night and sleepover. To gradually ween us back into him being here, because also at this point I have decided this will NOT go on much longer! I want him home. I added too that I want it known he will call me each night to say good night, I love you etc. Every single night!! Not just when my father "feels "like letting him call me.

So I spoke to my worker a few hours later, crying to her that I really truly think I have made a mistake and that I felt backed into a corner when I said yes to all of this. She completely understood and was going to call my father to explain things will be changing and sooner rather than later he will return home to his family here who misses him much more than I ever thought we would. This is unbearable! DD seems to be the only one not visibly effected by this. Its just not right.

Spoke to DS again this morign and yet again he was rushed off the phone as soon as he began to express missing me and wanting to see me. Luckily for me I didnt have to cal my worker this time, she called me shortly after to say she had spoken to my father and that he is not agreeing to what I want. He is unhappy that DS is sad and upset after speaking to me and my worker explained to him that it is a good thing. He needs to be allowed to feel these emotions. Dad responded with "well it makes him too difficult for us to deal with" !!!!!!! WHAT! ? Seriously! NO way!

So long story short, meeting with father again next week, and support systems, family, neighbours, BluRaz incl. thank god! and we will be closing this up. This will be finalized for him to be home at months end at very latest. Once he comes home I have many many things that will have to change...and stayed changed. But in hindsight I knwo that this week was needed to see faults in how I was handling things with DS, and know now what to NOT do in future...I am expecting a fight and possible court date for Dad thinking he has grounds to keep him. not worried in the least though. Childrens Aid had no concerns of him being with me to begin with. They wont stand for him trying to say he shouldnt be now either.

As it is, seeing DS this Thursday and not Wednesday as I said b/c of transportation issues, but from 5-8. and then Fridays for overnight aswell 5pm-Sat.

More later...
post #44 of 72
I am sorry this is so hard for you, but I think it is great that it has allowed you the space you needed to get things on the right path! I hope he is back with you again soon and that you get the support you need to make it work!
post #45 of 72
GODD JOB!!!! As soon as we read, DP and I were saying the you need to get him back NOW!!!! YOu are doing the right things to move forward and it sounds like your father is trying to take advantage of you. You are making the right choice. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
post #46 of 72
I've been following the goings-on and wanted to jump in with my 2 cents worth again.

I have a few thoughts you might want to chew on.

1.) This time away from each other HAS been productive for you. Although it has not been what you thought it would be, you have made some good progress in analyzing your own thought processes. This is good. Who knows, YET, what his thoughts have been and what progress he can have made from this. Do not beat yourself up that things weren't as you thought they'd be...very few things in life are what we thought they'd be. As long as you gained something from the experience you are coming out of it ahead of where you went in.

2.) Yay to you for standing up to your dad for your ds. I know from the things you have said and implied that your father has been a bit of a bully so I want to give you the encouragement you need and affirmation to know that you're doing right by your ds by standing up to the bullying. This will HELP let him know (in addition to all the other wonderful things you're doing) that he means more to you than anyone else and you'll do whatever it takes to protect him.

3.) Use the time that he does come home for a new beginning. I encourage you to sit down before he gets there and also with him when he gets there to make a "contract" between the two of you. Agree to be and do and say only what is helpful and healing and agree to not be or do or say that which destroys. Set up guidelines and consequences for both parties (because both will cross those boundaries - you're just human) for when those rules are broken. Set them and live up to them. That way anytime some point of agreement is violated the restoration and healing comes thru the "retribution" meted out to either party. (I don't mean retribution in a negative sense but rather as a way to make up for mistakes and then to move on.)

If I may I'll give you an example (not necessarily what you do but just an example):
RULE: Mommy will not yell at DS when she's angry. Mommy will take a time out to calm down then Mommy and DS will discuss the problem. If Mommy begins yelling DS is allowed to say the code word "potato cakes" and Mommy will immediately leave the room for time out. DS is not allowed to yell back.
RULE: DS will not swear at any member of the family. DS will take a time out in another room to calm down then come back and discuss the problem with Mommy and whomever DS had a problem with. If DS begins to swear Mommy is allowed to say the code word "potato cakes" and DS will immediately leave the room for time out. Mommy (and everyone else) is not allowed to yell or swear back.

I wouldn't make more than 5 rules (addressing the most problematic behaviors - like physical aggression ((hitting, kicking, pinching, pushing, etc)) yelling, name calling, cussing, etc. Whatever you think are the things that most need addressing.), but make them very specific and make contingencies for messing up. Allow them to have continuity (i.e. the same code word for all rules) and also must be agreed upon by everyone. I'd also make the rules about how you treat each other - opening lines of communication not breaking into emotional hurricanes when something happens. Once you have this so ingrained in the family that it becomes natural then you can sit down and revamp the rules at a "family meeting" to address other areas of need, keeping as tools for reaching those goals the things you learned in the first five rules (i.e. the first five don't go away, they've just become a natural response. You can always fall back on the original rules if needed.) DON'T TRY TO FIX EVERYTHING AT ONCE.

4.) I know you can do this mama. You love him and he loves you. You need him and he needs you. You can make this work. Don't look for perfection just healed functioning.

Still praying for you,
post #47 of 72
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much for the encouraging words...I woke up this morning after another arguement between my father and I last night and I was the bigger person...for the first time in my life. I stopped, I said I will not continue this discussion Really he was just yelling at me trying to intimidate me..but still
post #48 of 72
I'm so sorry you had to go through all this, and your "father" is treating you and DS so horribly.

I hope your DS is home soon, and that when he returns home, you'll be able to make some real changes and get him on the track to healing. At least, with all this, you've learned that your DS belongs with you.
post #49 of 72
Thread Starter 
Quick minute...more later to explain but have to say it now while the feeling of elation is at it's peak...HE"S COMING HOME IN TWO DAYS!!!!!!
post #50 of 72
Originally Posted by singlemomof4 View Post
Quick minute...more later to explain but have to say it now while the feeling of elation is at it's peak...HE"S COMING HOME IN TWO DAYS!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!! Good job mama. You can do this. I have a very difficult DS and spent some time as a single mama too. It is and was very hard. More love is always the answer. I believe that all children act out because they are not having a specific need met, usually love and attention. Have you ever read the book "Easy to love difficult to discipline"? by becky bailey? It was life changing for me, and DS's teacher uses its principles.

Best of luck with the homecoming, you can do it!! Be firm with him when he gets violent with you or the other children. Tell him in a firm voice "I am not going to let you hurt me" and restrain him. Let him flip out and yell and scream if he needs to. Don't let him go until he's calm again. Ride it out, even if it takes an hour. The first few times are the roughest, then he'll learn to calm himself. Model relaxed behavior for him and show him how to take a few minutes alone when he's upset. Doing this with DS1 has made all the difference. Feel free to PM me anytime you wanna chat to a mama who has been in your shoes. There were many times I had considered letting DS1 have an extended stay with my parents too. I know how you must have been feeling.
post #51 of 72
Hooray mama, I'm so glad he's coming home soon. I just saw this thread today, so I read all of it at once. My heart goes out to you, you seem like such a loving mama. I hope you can find the support you need to make life better for you and your sweet family. I haven't time to write more due to the demands of my own family but
post #52 of 72
Originally Posted by singlemomof4 View Post
Quick minute...more later to explain but have to say it now while the feeling of elation is at it's peak...HE"S COMING HOME IN TWO DAYS!!!!!!
I have been quietly following this thread and I am so happy he's coming home!
post #53 of 72
:Hooray Mama!

I have been reading this thread since it first started...and I am so happy for you and your kids!!

Good job sticking up for your son and yourself!
post #54 of 72
I haven't read all the responses but i just wanted to give you a big hug .

I am basing the following advice on my hardest child. 7 and 8 were really really really hard years for us.

first definitely get therapy and a proper diagnosis and if he needs to be medicated by all means try that. it may not be the perfect solution but it may be better than this.

get therapy for yourself. It sounds like you have had a hard time. give yourself a break.

he is only 8. you are only what . . .25? 26? neither of you are at the end of a bad miserable life. things might suck right now but with help and gentleness to yourselves and each other it is certainly not to late to change the direction things are going.

simplify your life until things calm down. get rid of anything that can get broken or damaged. get rid of anything that sucks your time cleaning. get rid of extra clothing. relax your ideals. have just enough to get you through a few days between washing (if you have a machine. if you wash at a laundry mat this is not nearly so practical.) also if he gets spazzy when asked to make a choice stick with jeans and T-shirts as his every day uniform.

you said he did better way back when the two of you were attached at the hip. reattach him to your hip. seriously. literally. keep him within arms reach of you at all times he is at home. its hard to fall in love again if he is always in another room. also by keeping him physically close you can praise every good thing you see (I know some people here are anti praise but I think it is a good way to reinforce good choices and good behavior especially in children who really seem to not get it) and see big honkin melt downs brewing long before they get there. usually the road signs are obvious if we are just near our children. It also gives you lots of time for talking and connecting both emotionally and physically and a way to engage him meaningful work besides you which helps keep kids out of trouble. Do not make this a punishment though. make sure he knows that you are doing this because you love spending time with him and have been really missing him lately and that you don't want to have to yell so you are keeping him close enough so that you can both hear each other better. you may need to do this for a long time. like a year or more. (and honestly for a while I did this with all three of my children when Mads hit that 7-8 place. i have been doing it with my youngest since birth and her behavior is so amazingly better and discipline has been so much easier. this is really a blessing for any child.). madeline hated it the most but eventually she warmed up to hanging out with mom. they aren't always with me any more but when things start to spiral out of control i bring everyone in closer. at first they were with me all day except for 1 hour in their room on their beds while baby slept and when they went to the bathroom. and for a while we did that as a group too. i would sit in the hall supervising until they went to sleep at night and occasionally spent "nap time" in the hall. nap time was my MDC time so i was always close by. as they started to internalize some better behavior habits I would gradually increase the space between us and pull them back in as needed.

good luck.

I wouldn't let your dad pressure you into anything. that is really unfair that he is doing that.

do you need that break? could you maybe do a few weeks in the summer? school is almost out for the year. I don't think it would be the worst thing to wait another 10-12 weeks. especially if you are going to be seeking counseling and trying to get to the root of his issues and considering treatment options.

ETA: read some more. i wouldn't send him back to your dads. ever. he is not to be trusted. he does not sound like an ally.
post #55 of 72
Thread Starter 
So...it's been a very exciting couple days. DS scheduled return was supposed to be tonight around 4 pm. However, apparently when my father brought it up to tell DS what was going to be happening yesterday my son immediately started packing and said he wanted to come home now. (as in yesterday at 4 ish)
Our home phone rang around 3 pm, and DS on the other end saying "Mommy I am calling to say hi and umm I am coming home" I replied thinking he had been told and that he was refering to tomorrow (today) but he said "No Mommy I mean like right now Grandpa and I are packing up mythings and I will be home for dinner" !!!!! YAY
There were no words at all spoken between my father and I when he brought him home, but a quick angry glance my way as I stumbled over excited siblings greeting their big brother at the door trying to bring his things in. I have a whole slew of super annoying things that DS has informed me; voluntarily, that happened while staying with Grandpa that I really really want to call him up and tear a strip off him for bt have realized it really doesn't make much sense now. I have my baby home! One day sooner than anticipated but he is right where he belongs!!!
I am sure I will end up ranting tomorrow on here about everything DS told me about, but for last night and today thus far I am just enjoying having my lil man home again
I would like to keep this thread open to discussion as I am sure that all postings before now and following will be of great importance and good use to me in the future.
post #56 of 72
Congrats! I've been following along but had no usefull advice. Glad to see your baby home!
post #57 of 72
post #58 of 72
So happy for you, you tried something new and it didn't work, but now you have your little man back and a fresh perspective and fresh energy to help him, yourself and your little ones! congrats on his homecoming!
post #59 of 72
post #60 of 72
I am so glad you guys are together again. You can do this. Healing can hurt at times, but it is so worth it in the end.

Much love to you guys.

I'll keep watching this thread and praying for you all as you move into this new phase in your lives.
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