Confession Session ..... Get it off your Chest - Page 3

[mama_ani]

I'm a bad mom today.

I have no patience for my older girls when they screw up and it feels like all I do is b!tch and nag at them. They are totally taking advantage of me being almost completely incapacitated by this pubic bone pain and I have no patience for it at all.

I feel horrible right now about ds and his nap today. He was tired, really really tired and needed a nap but was just getting hyper and loud when I was trying to rock him to sleep (the way he always goes to sleep) and I just put him down on the bed and left the room. He called for me for about 10 minutes and then there was silence and he was asleep. He didn't cry but wanted me in there before he fell asleep alone. He has never fallen asleep alone before in his LIFE and I feel horrible that he did today, not because he was ready to but because I was getting frustrated and angry at a 2 year old.

There is so much stress in our house right now, between dh and I, financial stress and stress with the kids I really feel like I'm going to lose it.

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by mama_ani

I'm a bad mom today.

I have no patience for my older girls when they screw up and it feels like all I do is b!tch and nag at them. They are totally taking advantage of me being almost completely incapacitated by this pubic bone pain and I have no patience for it at all.

I feel horrible right now about ds and his nap today. He was tired, really really tired and needed a nap but was just getting hyper and loud when I was trying to rock him to sleep (the way he always goes to sleep) and I just put him down on the bed and left the room. He called for me for about 10 minutes and then there was silence and he was asleep. He didn't cry but wanted me in there before he fell asleep alone. He has never fallen asleep alone before in his LIFE and I feel horrible that he did today, not because he was ready to but because I was getting frustrated and angry at a 2 year old.

There is so much stress in our house right now, between dh and I, financial stress and stress with the kids I really feel like I'm going to lose it.

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by katiesk

ishereal - you sound bummed out. I'm glad you started this thread, but it is making me worried about you!

I have come to accept that I can do bad by myself and that my boys father and I will not be together.....

[katiesk]

ishereal,

Sounds like you are being very brave and making some really tough choices. From things you have said, I think that you are making a good choice, and I am really glad that you are strong enough to do so, and so happy that you and your baby are going to hopefully start life together safe. Having said that, I'm sure that life isn't super easy for you right now, and I hope that you are ok!

Good luck

[Datura]

We wanted this baby and I really enjoyed being pregnant the first time. But I'm really, really not enjoying being pregnant this time. My lower back and pelvis are killing me, I'm popping up varicosities on my belly, my feet have gone even flatter, etc. At this point it hurts so badly at night that it keeps me up. I actually cried last night because I was so sore and so frustrated. I just want this to be over, have my baby but I know that I need to keep him in until he's ready. *sigh*

I also worry about the dynamic. DH and I got pregnant immediately after getting together, so Bear has always been in the mix. I just don't know how its going to work with another person in the spotlight.

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by Datura

We wanted this baby and I really enjoyed being pregnant the first time. But I'm really, really not enjoying being pregnant this time. My lower back and pelvis are killing me, I'm popping up varicosities on my belly, my feet have gone even flatter, etc. At this point it hurts so badly at night that it keeps me up. I actually cried last night because I was so sore and so frustrated. I just want this to be over, have my baby but I know that I need to keep him in until he's ready. *sigh*

I also worry about the dynamic. DH and I got pregnant immediately after getting together, so Bear has always been in the mix. I just don't know how its going to work with another person in the spotlight.

[TaraD.]

I feel bad about so many things this pregnancy. It's our first and was totally planned/anticipated (we had to have fertility treatments in order to get pregnant after trying for quite a while and were so excited when they worked). But I haven't felt the way I thought I would about this pregnancy/baby. My dad died of brain cancer in November. He was one of my very best friends and I miss him so much. It was so hard being with him while he died. During the last few weeks of his life, I pushed myself so hard. I didn't sleep enough, drank caffeine, ate too much sugar, helped lift him in and out of bed, etc. I had researched so much on having a healthy pregnancy and let it go. After he died, I've tried to do the things I planned on doing health-wise, preparation-wise, bonding-wise, but I haven't felt all that "involved" like I *knew* I would. Now I'm measuring small by about five weeks (I have been all along). I'm gaining enough weight, I'm really trying to eat healthy - what am I doing wrong!? I'm having an ultrasound next week, so hopefully everything will be okay. This all comes after I tested high on the GD test and had to take the three hour (I passed, thankfully). I feel like this baby just isn't safe in my body. That and we canceled our spot in our Bradley class (I don't even know why), so I feel totally unprepared for birth. I was so excited about being a mom. Now I'm just worried.

Wow, it felt really good to get that out. Please don't think I'm a horrible mama!

[Ironica]

Originally Posted by TaraD.

Wow, it felt really good to get that out. Please don't think I'm a horrible mama!

Not at all! It is *so* hard to deal with losing parents around when you are becoming one. Heck, my dad died in November 2000, and for some reason this pregnancy I have been missing him terribly. When I was pregnant with DS, I didn't have time to think about it... I was in school full-time, had an internship, was a class reader, etc. But after several years of being a parent, and therapy ;-), and realizing lots of things about my relationship with my dad, *this* time it's so much harder to know that he'll never know this child, and this child will never know him.

Family deaths are super-stressful, and that's going to affect your body. You didn't *do* anything to your baby! Please don't regret what you did to be with your father in his final days. Three weeks before my dad died, he was in a local hospital (he had moved up to the Bay Area after retirement, but was visiting when he got sick). I went to see him every single day after work, even though it was a heck of a drive and meant I did NOTHING else but go to work and visit my dad. When I lost him such a short time later, I was so, so glad I'd made that decision; I would have regretted it terribly had I not spent as much time with him as I could.

It sucks that biology made you choose between giving everything you could to your father and your child. But I'll bet your baby will be just fine... you may have a funny-shaped uterus ;-) or something. And you'll forever know that you got just as much of your dad as you possibly could have.

[ishereal]

Originally Posted by TaraD.

I feel bad about so many things this pregnancy. It's our first and was totally planned/anticipated (we had to have fertility treatments in order to get pregnant after trying for quite a while and were so excited when they worked). But I haven't felt the way I thought I would about this pregnancy/baby. My dad died of brain cancer in November. He was one of my very best friends and I miss him so much. It was so hard being with him while he died. During the last few weeks of his life, I pushed myself so hard. I didn't sleep enough, drank caffeine, ate too much sugar, helped lift him in and out of bed, etc. I had researched so much on having a healthy pregnancy and let it go. After he died, I've tried to do the things I planned on doing health-wise, preparation-wise, bonding-wise, but I haven't felt all that "involved" like I *knew* I would. Now I'm measuring small by about five weeks (I have been all along). I'm gaining enough weight, I'm really trying to eat healthy - what am I doing wrong!? I'm having an ultrasound next week, so hopefully everything will be okay. This all comes after I tested high on the GD test and had to take the three hour (I passed, thankfully). I feel like this baby just isn't safe in my body. That and we canceled our spot in our Bradley class (I don't even know why), so I feel totally unprepared for birth. I was so excited about being a mom. Now I'm just worried.

Wow, it felt really good to get that out. Please don't think I'm a horrible mama!

[ltk]

my confession is straight out of a soap opera, so I will leave it for the gods.

I do confess that I had ahi tuna sushi last week and it was heavenly.

[Goddess3_2005]

Please don't judge me.....

I'm considering asking for an induction. I can not handle this pain anymore. I can't walk to the bathroom with out searing pelvic pain and nothing touches the pain.

[kjoy2]

Originally Posted by Goddess3_2005

Please don't judge me.....

I'm considering asking for an induction. I can not handle this pain anymore. I can't walk to the bathroom with out searing pelvic pain and nothing touches the pain.

OH gosh, that really does sound awful Big hug!!!

[momtoafireteam]

Originally Posted by Goddess3_2005

Please don't judge me.....

I'm considering asking for an induction. I can not handle this pain anymore. I can't walk to the bathroom with out searing pelvic pain and nothing touches the pain.

You have SPD, dont you? So do I, and I concur. My dear dear Dr offered a gentle induction at 38 weeks, but I am a VBAC'er so the thought absolutely terrifies me. But I totally, TOTALLY understand and agree.

[Goddess3_2005]

Thanks so much ladies, I don't feel like such a bad mommy now. Nikki, what was your doctors ideas for a gentle induction? I was thinking of trying a few herbal things and acupuncture, which worked last time.

[3for3hb]

Thanks to everyone for fessing up and being so frank about it. Makes me feel more "normal." I have a very genuine personality, I hate "pretending to be someone you're not" types. (not the people but that personality is soooo hard for me to deal with, esp when pg).

I just don't understand why the pg women I know IRL are so happy go lucky, and act as if they've got everything under control and it's no big deal.

Meanwhile, I'm a bit concerned about how the dynamic of our family is going to change, and how long it will take for the boys to completely adjust. When I got pg this time, as most of you know it was very unexpected, and it seemed like we were finally falling in step as a family. Then the m/s, then the exhaustion, the not being able to do what I used to, dh being frustrated with the changes and having to pick up slack. Everything changed. Obviously. And threw off my feeling of stability and security. When I'm around those pg women who just can "stay on top of it all" I feel so inadequate, like such a bad mom, etc etc etc.

That's why being a part of a ddc is so essential for me. And that is why I am so appreciative of what you all have said in these pages

[momtoafireteam]

Well, he already told me about doing everything I can to "prep", like the EPO and so on. Then he wanted to try using that cath that stretches out your cervix thingingijibbit. (thats the medical term, "thingingijibbit"!) I am very lucky that I am already dilated to a loose 2...Then he said if none of that worked he would consider a ridiculously conservative pitocin regime. I was induced with DS1 and it actually went beautifully, if it wasnt for the VBAC thing I would be all over it.

What is the acupuncture thing? Did it require lots of sessions? Tell me more about that please.

[paphia]

I want to confess that I keep getting so angry I want to hurt other people. When dd is nursing and keeps using her teeth and I keep taking her off to correct her latch, and then she BITES me on purpose because she decides she's done for now, I want to slap her in the head and throw her off the bed (I never would!). When my MIL starts going on and on about how we're not *allowed* to go out in the evening to run errands and get out of the house because she's scared, like that should be enough of a reason to make myself housebound, I want to kick her and shove her down and lock her in her room (we just go out anyway). Even when dh is sleeping but bouncing around to settle himself, and it's keeping me awake with my already killer insomnia, I want to kick him or pinch him really hard.

And I've never been a violent person! So it feels so horrible to want to inflict pain on others, I feel so guilty about it because I know I'd never lose it and do anything to anyone. I don't know why I'm having so much anger lately.

[Goddess3_2005]

Originally Posted by momtoafireteam

What is the acupuncture thing? Did it require lots of sessions? Tell me more about that please.

I did just one session, but I was right at my due date. I did Black Cohosh too, but not very much because I was chicken to use it. They basically stimulate labor point with needles, LOL. It doesn't hurt at all. I have heard sometimes it takes a couple sessions though.

[PinkDog]

I don't know about the anger, Paphia, but my body and mind went so out of wack for the first trimester that (long story short) I had to quit my job. I laid on the bed all day and daydreamed of hanging myself in the garage.

So maybe the anger is hormonal? Just because the third trimester doesn't usually make people angry doesn't mean it CAN'T. The first trimester doesn't usually make people suicidal, either, but it CAN. You know what I mean?

[squirt07]

i had to start meds during my third tri with my son because of severe mood swings. it helped A LOT.i had to start in second tri with this one, and its helped some but i still have a lot of anger/irritable moments where im just barely hanging on to control.