help! please any advice? worried dd will get eating disorders because we have such a restricted...

[bluebell]

hi everyone, i really need some advice here so sorry that this has turned out to be so long i just wrote everything down and havn't really edited it, i'm so worried i'm setting dd up for an eating disorder and i just don't know what to do. we are both following a very restricted diet at the moment (we are all sugars, grain, starch including potatoes free, doing SCD/GAPS) dd was fine with this for the last year (she had only had ever had sugar once or twice when she was about 2 and i cut that as soon as i saw how it affected her (out of control), but she had breads, and potato's - chips, crisps etc often up until we started GAPS - and those also had caused terrible blood sugar problems and meltdowns it was just that i didn't realise how bad they were affecting her until i read the book). since following this diet she has been much calmer and easier going (i had wondered if she was adhd until i changed her diet). but recently she has been asking me to give her chocolates, biscuits and potato chips and crisps (i'm english so i think this is fries and chips?) i've explained to her why i don't let her have them, that we are healing our guts and that sugar isn't healthy and i want to give her healthy foods, and give her a good start so she dosn't suffer the ailments that i have suffered. i've only just started to heal, i suffered blood sugar lows all my life which affected my behaviour and i was labelled 'difficult' as a child by my parents. i've also had depression, gut problems, hormonal problems and endomeitriosis - i just don't want her to suffer this stuff and she just dosn't understand when i try and explain she just wants to eat cakes, bread, chocolate, chips etc. i've tried to making the SCD almond flour cookies and cakes and she hates them she says she wants normal cakes, cookies etc.

most of our friends do eat sugar foods and potatoe chips and crisps ocasionally aswell as eating healthy foods so she is seeing other kids eating it, and they seem to be ok with it in her eyes. we have a couple of friends who don't eat any sugars, grains, starch but their kids seem to accept it without an issue. dd used to be ok about this but very recently she has just started to rebel and she has started to just go ahead and eat it when she has had an oppotunity - ie when she has been at grannies house or particularly when dp eats it in front of her sometimes and this is the big problem, she see's him and just recently she has been going up to his plate and just takes it from him and eats it despite him saying no she can't have it.
then the other day she stole a packet of crisps (chips) from the museum cafe and ran off with them the shop assistant chased her and found me to tell me and she hadn't managed to open them but she would have eaten them and then today were were in whole foods in london, they have a huge display of chocolate that is hard to avoid and she took a bar of organic chocolate and ran off with it. i ran to find her and she was fast she was gone i paniked i'd lost her - its a big store, the sales assistant helped look as i was so worried i'd lost her in the shop she wasn't worried she'd lost me atall, he found her and she had opened the pack and already eaten half the bar!! i was so upset firstly that she ran so far away from me, and then of course that she had the chocolate. i bought it and said that she can't just take food from the shop, but i didn't take it off her because she said she didn't like it anyway (having eaten nearly the whole bar - it was white chocolate and very sweet). when we got home she remembered about the chocolate found it ate it in front of me and dp and then said i don't like it i'm going to throw it away. i was so relieved, thinking at least she has tried it and now she knows she dosn't like it. however a few hours later she said she wanted to get it from the bin. i know that that is sugar addiction kicking in because i really believe that she didn't enjoy the taste but she had started to crave it. she also had a meltdown before bed - it reminded me exactly of the old dd days when she would have meltdowns if she ate something that would affect her, particularly containing sugar. i also know what sugar addiction is like and i feel hugely to blame because during pregancny and the first 18months of nursing i was living off sugar and caffiene to get me through the days.

my big problem is that i don't know what to do? she is extremely bright and very advanced she understands alot, but she dosn't get why i don't buy her junk food. she says i'm a bad mummy for not getting her junk food. i'm so worried that i'm causing her to have an eating disorder, that she will now find sneak junk food at any oppotunity and it will get worse as she gets older, i'm thinking of teenage years and alcohol (dp and i don't drink alcohol dp is in recovery 10yrs). but my reasons for being strict on this are that i have had terrible health problems physical and mental and emotional from my bad diet and serious carbohydrate addiction. i have had a serious and very painful carbohydrate addiction that caused me so much pain, there is also drug and alchol addiction in dp's family (now in recovery but it is rife throughout his and family and very serious problem). so i am also very aware that she has the addict gene - it was very obvious tonight when she wanted to get the chocolate out of the bin! she has also taken homeopathic remedies when she shouldn't have - she's climbed up to get them, sneaked them away and eaten them they are tiny sugar pills - i've told her they are like medicine (which she wouldn't touch because she has a fear of medicine since being forced it as a baby for 4months after a uti one reason why her gut was damaged).

on the other hand i don't want to cause her to want this stuff even more because it is banned. but if it was cocaine i wouldn't be saying it was ok to have a little bit now and again. so i'm very very worried as to how i handle this and i also don't think i've handled it too well so far prior to these incidents this week if she had anything she couldn't eat in her hand i would either ask for it back or prize it out of her hand but these last few times she has been so determined and has ran off with it or done it in front of the family knowing that it will be awkward to stop her. when she was round at my parents in law (who are functioning alcoholics, sugar addicts and smokers) they saw her take the potatoe off dp's plate and they instantly said thats because she can't have a little now and again. i feel unsupported and i felt so stupid because they laughed at me for doing the diet i do and they just think that she will just continue to rebel as she is being denied sugar treats. dp is in theory supportive of what i'm doing with dd but he won't deny himself this food and by eating it in front of her it is causing problems he sees what happens to her, and dosn't like how she is when she eats this stuff. but he just says that she will be around people eating it anyway, as this food is so much a part of everyday life even among our 'alternative' homeschooling, ap friends.

i just don't know what to do. i'm so worried about everything, addiction, eating disorders and not to mention also healing the gut and behavioral issues which i find the hardest to deal with and explain to her, she has huge issues with control as it is because she withholds her bowel movements which i belive is all linked to the gut/brain connection anyway.
i find it really difficult to explain to her that it affects her behaviour, she dosn't have any physical tummy pain to explain why. i have a friend who is doing scd with her daughter but her daughter gets very bad tummy pain and so dosn't want to eat junk that will give her pain.

can anyone give me any advice as to what i can do about this. i just don't want her to eat junk food atall but i don't want her to get eating disorders either. please help! thanks...

[krankedyann]

food allergies- gluten and casein, can also cause the addictive behaviors. It literally acts like morphine in the brain.

How old is she?

[bluebell]

Originally Posted by krankedyann

food allergies- gluten and casein, can also cause the addictive behaviors. It literally acts like morphine in the brain.

How old is she?

she is 4 1/2yrs old but she is very independent minded. she is gluten free and has been for at least a year and grain free for 9months, she dosn't have any dairy except a small amount of butter but i've not noticed this to be a problem. i have been having some raw cream recently and she is still nursing so perhaps that could be the reason. other than that i do have raw butter too. but i had been having scd friendly yoghurt and that hadn't caused a problem, i've not had the yoghurt for a few months now, just a bit of raw cream and some kefir. but she has none of this and dosn't want any dairy its the carbs she's craving.

[ComaWhite]

wow, I could have written your entire post.

My 4.5yo dd was the same way... we did allergy testing on her last year and cut out all allergens and put her on a modified scd/gluten free diet.
She was ok with it for 8 months or so and then started stealing food, especially at the grocery store and running away and eating it.. she would lie to relatives so that they would feed her the carb junk too. She would get up early and sneak food out of dh's cupboard to eat. She would tantrum and attack me because I wasnt feeding her what she wanted (potato chips, french fries, breads, chocolate)
I eventually gave up and she now eats her crap every day all day. It has affected her, she has digestive issues, behavior problems, and skin problems, but honestly, it is far far better to deal with that then having her steal food, lie, sneak around, run away in stores, attack me, hit me, scratch and punch me....

Another thing, when she was on the limited diet, she was actually losing weight because she didnt want to eat anything offered, didnt like it, etc. She would NOT EAT for days and days on end. At least now shes eating, and gaining, and growing.

Honestly, I feel like I failed her, but I couldnt fight every hour with her anymore for month on end and couldnt control her anymore in regards to food.

I dunno, I hope you get some good advice here, but if you dont, I can at least offer you a shoulder to cry on.

[cristeen]

TBH, it sounds like you have several problems here, not just one. A 4 yo who is testing her boundaries, a DP who is only giving lip-service to being supportive, and family that is obviously completely unsupportive.

I would probably start limiting her contact with the unsupportive family members. Don't see them during meal times. Make sure she's eaten before you go to their houses. Bring snacks with you. Make it clear to them that you are her mother and they don't get to dictate what she eats, and if they don't like it, you have every right to stop visiting.

I would also have a sit down heart-to-heart with your DP about it. His eating these foods in front of her is extremely counterproductive. If he has a problem with her attitude when she's been binging, then he needs to help prevent those binges. That means getting all the "forbidden foods" out of the house. In the house, he eats what you and she eat. What he eats out of the house when he's not around her is his call. But he doesn't bring it home, and he doesn't discuss it in front of her.

If you can manage the above two, then I'd work on not taking her to stores for a while. Don't take her anyplace you can avoid where you're liable to run into large amounts of sweets. Obviously I'm not saying to keep her home 24/7, but don't take her to the grocery store or the bakery or the fish and chip shop... wherever. Have your DP watch her while you do the shopping. It's not ideal, but limiting her access may help.

Then I'd work on finding foods she likes that are "allowed", that don't cause behavioral problems. That may mean making 20 recipes to find one she'll accept. That may mean making hot chocolate from scratch with unsweetened chocolate and whatever sweetener she tolerates. Ice cream from scratch, cheesecake, custard are fairly easy if she tolerates dairy. Once you've found a few things, keep at least one on hand at all times. If she's going to a party and you know there'll be sweets, take one with you. Or discuss it with her and let her know it's waiting for her after the party if she doesn't eat the cake/cookies/etc. Call the party mom and make sure that there will be food and drink options that she will be able to eat. If not, bring something with you. Being prepared is the best thing you can do, whether it's a party, a holiday meal, or even a school gathering.

Can she tolerate sweet potatoes or winter squash? Plantain? They can all be made into either chips or crisps. If she tolerates them, and likes them, it may be worth it to make it a weekly tradition that on Friday (or whatever day works for you), you guys have a favorite main dish with chips or crisps.

It can take some work to find what'll work for her... maybe it's coconut oil mixed with honey and cocoa and made into candies. Or honey-roasted nuts, or hummus with carrots. Who knows.

Something that just occurred to me is that the items you mentioned she wants are mostly high-fat. How much fat is she getting in her daily diet? Maybe an increase in fat might also help. Just a thought.

I hope any of the above might help.

[Shazer]

You should know that your commitment to your daughter's health demonstrates that you are a wonderful mother.

Maybe you could write a letter and send it to every family member detailing what you wrote here; that your daughter's health is at stake. She is highly susceptible to developing acute medical conditions if her diet includes sugar, grains, etc. This is not an area where subterfuge is accepted. If they go against your wishes, you have the control in withholding their visitation to your daughter. Same for your husband. In some way he needs to understand the consequences of his actions, that his influence supersedes that of the rest of the world. If he is strong and resists the sugar, your daughter will see that strength. Use a comparison like smoking or drinking or swearing. Even though other people do these things, as parents you don't because you want to set a good example. Children learn by example and the best examples are their parents.

As for your headstrong daughter, perhaps there are some techniques you can try to help her feel like she gets to make some decisions. I like Cristeen's idea of a treat night where she gets a food she really wants (or a variation she can tolerate). You could have a treat drawer, where she can pick out one safe item per day. If she can tolerate dairy, that opens up a lot of options for food choices. Maybe you can interest your daughter in helping you to prepare foods. Since she is highly intelligent, maybe you can educate her about what bad food does to her body at a level she can understand.

When I was a child, my mother was into "healthy" foods: whole grains, lots of fruit, milk, no "white sugar," and very little protein. Then this attempt fell to the wayside when I entered school as she went to school herself. We started eating everything out of boxes and cans and fast food sacks. I was allowed almost uncontrolled access to any bad food I wanted and I indulged. All of this led me to develop polycystic ovarian syndrome with severe reactive hypoglycemia (and lots of other problems). My mom also has PCOS. My brother had weight problems as a child and has Syndrome X. My sister has PCOS as well. In any event, had my mother provided healthier foods (high protein, high fat, low sugar), I do believe all of us children would not have these health issues. I believe this so strongly because when I was 25, I turned my health around by eating an all natural, low-carb diet.

So from my ramble, I hope you gather that what your child eats absolutely matters and you are doing the right thing.

[ComaWhite]

Some of these suggestions seem so extreme!
I mean come on, refusing to let her go out, refusing to let her visit any friends or relatives, refusing to let your dh eat his food or even talk about it?
This extreme CONTROL does NOT seem healthy at all. So you may have a healthy diet, at what? A sacrifice to your daughters mental health?
How long can you keep up the illusion of control? Youd daughter is a free person with a free spirit and she will can can do whatever she wants to with her life, ESPECIALLY as she gets older and your 'control' loses its effectiveness.
If you managed to survive a bad diet as a child and grow to make your own healthy choices and heal as an adult, why can you not trust your daughter to do the same?

I just dont enderstand FORCING healthy food down child's throat. How is that 'healthy?'

[Etoile]

I am not a mother yet so I can only speak from my own personal experience as a child and growing up. This is very personal to me and I hope not to be judged or flamed for what I'm about to say.

I think that your fear of your daughter developing an eating disorder is a valid one and there is a fine line between doing what is best, nutritionally, for your daughter's health, and allowing her some freedom and a healthy relationship with food and moderation.

From the time I was two years old I was on a very strict macrobiotic diet, which my mother placed me on due to health issues, (bronchitis and pneumonia, allergy shots once a week, etc.) The diet did clear up my bronchial issues a great deal and my mother, for fear that I would be sick again, was very, very strict with me as far as food. I felt (and I remember this even as a small child) very deprived and isolated from my peer group and extended family because of my "strange diet". I was made fun of for my "wierd and gross" food starting in pre-school and continuing into kindegarten and grade school. I began sneaking food at a neighbor's to fit in better and because it tasted good to me. When I was discovered, I was so overcome with guilt over it that I refused to eat or drink for several days. I was hospitalized for dehydration and was said to have had a "nervous breakdown". I was six years old.

When my parents split up when I was 8, so began the yo-yo of my weight. Time spent with my father would mean weight gain because he ate the standard American diet and I would take the opportunity to eat as much junk as I could get my hands on. When back with my mother I was placed on even stricter diets for health and weight loss.

My entire life I have struggled with my weight and binge eating. I was bulimic for several years as a teenager to try and control my weight, struggling with a seemingly limitless appetite. Because I began to throw up blood, I stopped purging but have continued to struggle with binge eating and overeating. I am 30 years old and weigh about 350 pounds.

I am currently working on nutrition and my weight and eating more whole foods and leaning towards a TF approach. I don't blame my mother for the struggles I have had, as I know that I have choices and personal responsibility for my health. However, I know that the way I was raised has been a large part of my poor relationship with food.

I cannot tell you what to do or what is best for your family or your daughter. I believe, though, that some flexibility in this area may benefit her in the long run--conversely, that total inflexibility will be detrimental to her.

I hope my story is of help and can give some perspective.

Warmly,

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by andrea

Some of these suggestions seem so extreme!

So if a child has a peanut allergy, you'd suggest we feed him peanuts?

What the OP described was not wanting to be in control for the sake of control. It was wanting to be in control because of serious behavioral issues. As a person who has had to deal with major medical issues because of diet caused problems, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. As a child, all my issues were behavioral. Once I hit puberty, they became medical. They can all be traced back to diet. If a modicum of control had been enforced when I was a child, I wouldn't have nearly as many problems now.

And don't forget that food intolerances can also cause long-term neurological damage. That's what food instigated behavioral problems are when you get right down to... food intolerances. They can have long reaching effects. If you've never had to deal with them, you're lucky. Don't slam those of us who have, though.

[blessed]

How awful. This all sounds incredibly pathological and damaging to your child.

Stealing food and running away to eat it? That's crazy. It sounds to me as though she is having uncontrolled craving - almost like pica - which I suspect is from some deficit or imbalance in her diet. In my wildest dreams I can't see that this awful behavior and conflict in her is preferable to dealing with an occasional sugar high or low.

Can you not find some reasonable balance? We limit sweets, but primarily we avoid artificial dyes and preservatives. Unlike sugar, the artificial additives HAVE been scientifically linked to behavior changes and disorders in children, including ADHD and generalized hyperactivity.

So we buy an organic chocolate bar every now and then, keep it in the cupboard and crack off a square for dd when she's having a craving for sweets. It takes a week or more to go through one bar. Similarly, natural ice creams, sorbets, jams, etc. Dd's able to self regulate because she has options and because she's not being strictly denied. When she's desperate for something sweet, she doesn't have to lie, cheat or steal to get it.

This is not the case of a life threatening allergy. This is a parent with particular beliefs about health and nutrition, ideas which miight have grains of truth in them. But acting in the best interest of the whole person who is your daughter clearly involves moving away from the unyielding stance that you've previously had about these beliefs.

It's not working and it's hurting her.

[Leilalu]

I'm gonna play devil's advocate here and say that something sweet every now and then will probably set things right.
Honestly, I think at this age she is too little to fully understand, and most likely feels controlled at an age where she is learning independance.

I would set special times when something sweet is okay, provided it is a usually healthy choice. Make a habit of making something from scratch, use alternative sugars.

I make full use of natural resources at hand to be creative when it comes to sweets. I also feel that full deprivation will only hinder what you are actually trying to teach her in the long run- which is independance in making right food choices.

So what I try to do, is let my kids savor an *occasional* non homeade treat. Rarely, but it happens. We set rules about things like: after you eat some of x,y,z, then maybe we can make that one cookie you like(healthy of course) or you can have some healthy ice cream.

I think as a parent it is also fully in your control to set rules regarding allergies, but this seems slightly different. like a game to her almost. I think there shoudld be definite limits, within reason. Like "we just don't eat________ in this house.Sorry. But we can have some of ______."

My mom was very strict about not buying sugar at all for about the first 8 years or so of my childhood. I am thankful for it. But does this mean I never ate sugar. NO. We had lots of family, southern cooking, and lots of get togethers. I chewed gum and friends houses. But the day to day is what counts. Kids eat most of their meals at home.
But to this day I look young for my age! it paid off. My moms efforts to control what she could about my diet paid off. For the most part, I grew up healthy without problems.

officially rambling: baby doesn't seem to want to let me sleep tonight....

[Purple Sage]

I don't know exactly what the SCD entails, but it sounds very low carb (am I wrong?). Maybe your daughter needs more carbs and if you gave her more good whole food carbs then she wouldn't crave the bad processed carbs so much. It's just a guess - and probably not a popular opinion : - take it for what it's worth. I'm sorry you're going through this...it sounds so stressful.

[bluebell]

hi everyone, thanks so much for all your replies. i have also posted about this on parenting issues but i really wanted to get the TF perspective on it too. it is true that there seems to be a number of things going on here. i am worried about the level of control i'm imposing on her. but i am also extremely worried about the damage that eating foods that she is intolerant to will cause. i have suffered from physical and mental health issues all my life and i've had serious refined carbohydrate addiction which also led to alcohol addiction (alcohol being the ultimate in sugar addiction). i have got so much healing to do with all this. i know that someone suggested that my dd is different and has a different journey but i know that she reacts in the same ways that i did. her blood sugar is extremely volatile when she was eating carbs (even the complex ones). i'm not just talking about a bit of bad behaviour it was seriously bad - extreme tantrums, getting herself into dangerous situations, totally out of control, i really couldn't cope with it i couldn't take her out it was that bad.
i do understand the point of view that some of you suggested letting her have what she wants or just giving her a little bit of sugar now and again, but i know that wouldn't work for us. during the first couple of years of solids i did let her do this (i was very into the TCS philosophy back then which i think is like radical unschooling?) but life for all of us got progressively worse for us she would only eat refined carbs and would never choose to eat any protein or vegetables. so i cut all sugar about 2 years ago, things were a bit calmer but not great then i discovered the GAPS diet which totally made sense to us. a year ago before we started dd would only ever want to eat crisps or chips it was very difficult to get her to eat protein. we are from very families with raging addiction dp is 10 yrs in recovery from cocaine and alcohol and his brother is a recovering heroin addict so it is serious stuff here. the addict brain has different brain chemistry from non addicts. if i allowed her to have a little sugar (i think other carbs also have this affect on me and dd) - i wouldn't hear the end of it she would nag and nag it would be relentless. sugar has an opiate like affect on the brain it would be like saying to a drug addict that its ok to have a little bit of drugs now and again, addicts just can't take it or leave it they don't have the same impulse control (this is what i believe about addiction i've done alot of research because of the addiction in our families). the fact that dd wanted to get the chocolate out of the bin 2 hours after she had decided she didn't like it and threw it away suggests to me that she was beginning to crave it, just like an alcoholic who had just one drink. i'm sorry if this sounds so harsh and i don't believe that this is the case for everyone - only those with addiction issues. her natural temprement is also extremly persistant, demanding and strong willed- all that is 100 times more if she eats the wrong foods, and because of that it is easier to have total absitance rather than a little bit - which i tried doing before we cut it completely.
so i'm worried - because as others have said i can't be there all the time controlling and as she gets older these issues will come up more and more. i do understand that 'the forbidden fruit' is going to be very tempting to her - i'm seeing it right now! this has all just started to happen in the last couple of weeks up until then she really was ok about the restrictions. so its all a bit of a shock that i'm suddenly having to sort this issue out - everything was going so well! she could be craving fats - she eats and loves meat fat but it is so hard to get other fats in her, i'll cook with butter, but the alternative 'sweet' treats (honey is the only one thats ok) have no appeal to her at all she dosn't like nuts much. she'll never try CLO or CO i've tried to get her to try. she won't even try any fresh fruit juices or most of the sweeter fruits (she'll eat apples, pears or bananas). she does have a very healthy diet and has done for the last year, but she wants chocolate, cakes, bread and cookies.

i really appreciate all the opinions and suggestions and thanks for just reading this as it is so long! - have to post without reading it back, so hope it makes sense. just read back and i want to clarify that i'm not saying everyone who eats sugar is addicted! but that is the way it affects us iyswim! - don't want to offend anyone.

[blessed]

Honestly? I think this is just another addiction. You're obsessing about your daughter's diet in a very classic manner. We could talking about smoking, work, drugs, alcohol, exercise, sex. Or as in this case: food.

Break the cycle. Step back and get some perspective. For her sake.

[krankedyann]

Originally Posted by blessed

Break the cycle. Step back and get some perspective. For her sake.

I absolutely agree. I'm not trying to be a hard-nose here, but as someone who has dealt with the cycle of addiction and watched my own father battle demons trying to break the cycle, I want to speak truth in love.

You're obsessing over balance, when your obsessing and projecting onto her is likely a good portion of the problem, but you're also trying to give her every excuse in the book to allow her to grow into an alcoholic or other addict herself by not exercising any parental control over a *genuine health problem.* Quit making excuses, and do what you know is best for her. You're the mama, you must be in control of the situation because she's too little and immature to make every decision for herself. You're asking too much of a 4.5 year old to exercise control that should be coming from the parent.

If she were a diabetic, would you do the same, or would you treat her? How about if she had a deadly allergy to peanuts? Would you not exercise control then? What she's going through is just as deadly, it's just going to kill her or make her very sick and miserable in the next 30 years, not the next 30 seconds. Mama, you have to be strong and look at what her future will be.

As she gets a little older and can see the effects these foods have on her, she will likely decide that she doesn't like the way it makes her feel. Until then, you're the one who needs to be the spine.

You know the cycle. Now break it and don't make her suffer through the same things you have in your life.

[melissa17s]

I don't know... I think the op needs to stay firm with her diet. Every child is deprived of some foods or items and learns ways to cope; parents need to find ways to help through the process. Also, check out some books on 4 yr old behavior books because to me the strong willed- not knowing boundaries of stealing/property all seem normal. I think the author with the name Ames has a good series of books. I noticed a dramatic change in both my children at 4. Things that were not an issue before became battles, and food is such an easy thing to fight over- color, texture, touching, mixing- at least 3 times a day.

[bluebell]

Originally Posted by krankedyann

I absolutely agree. I'm not trying to be a hard-nose here, but as someone who has dealt with the cycle of addiction and watched my own father battle demons trying to break the cycle, I want to speak truth in love.

You're obsessing over balance, when your obsessing and projecting onto her is likely a good portion of the problem, but you're also trying to give her every excuse in the book to allow her to grow into an alcoholic or other addict herself by not exercising any parental control over a *genuine health problem.* Quit making excuses, and do what you know is best for her. You're the mama, you must be in control of the situation because she's too little and immature to make every decision for herself. You're asking too much of a 4.5 year old to exercise control that should be coming from the parent.

If she were a diabetic, would you do the same, or would you treat her? How about if she had a deadly allergy to peanuts? Would you not exercise control then? What she's going through is just as deadly, it's just going to kill her or make her very sick and miserable in the next 30 years, not the next 30 seconds. Mama, you have to be strong and look at what her future will be.

As she gets a little older and can see the effects these foods have on her, she will likely decide that she doesn't like the way it makes her feel. Until then, you're the one who needs to be the spine.

You know the cycle. Now break it and don't make her suffer through the same things you have in your life.

thanks again for your replies. krankedyann i have been in total control of what she eats she hasn't been allowed to eat stuff that affects her health i've been very strict because i know the diet works only if you are extremely strict with it. she had been happily going along with this up until this week. but after whats been going on this week when she has been taking food form shops or when at relatives houses and just going ahead and eating it, it would involve me prizing it out of her hand and putting my fingers in her mouth to remove it while she tries to shove it back in. i have removed things from her hands previously but this week she has started to fight me properly. i'm worrying about her running away in shops to eat chocolate and shovelling food in her mouth while i'm trying to remove whatever it is as she has become so determined to eat it and doing that is what i'm worrying about in regards to eating disorders. the reason she ate the chocolate was because she had run off and then i didn't want to physically fight her for it.
but this food is like having an allergy. we just got back from the cinema where we had to leave early because half way through the film she saw some spilt sugared popcorn got up from her seat and went to eat it. i removed her from the area and told her firmly not to and she just kept on so we left. i don't want her eating someone elses popcorn from the floor - god knows if it was even ok? i had brought along alot of our food so she had food, so next time should i just go ahead and buy her some sugary popcorn so she dosn't pick up food from the floor? or just not go to the cinema? she dosn't want to listen to me when i tell her not to do it. the problem is that these foods are around us everyday, when we are out of the house.

i appreciate everyones opinions but i don't think this is my addiction being transfered on her - we had big behaviour problems which i discovered were diet related (i didn't even realise how my own diet had affected me that much until i saw what was going on with dd) then i found a soloution in the SCD, harmony was restored life was much easier for everyone including dd, but now she is older and we are mixing alot more with kids that don't eat like us the problems are occuring. i just want to do what is best for her - if i'm giving her an eating disorder then i'll stop this, but i will find it extremely difficult to cope with her behaviour if it goes back to how it was before, ie. meltdown tantrums every hour so that i felt as if i was constantly walking on eggshells with her (a friend of mine worked with autistic children and she said thats how her parents often felt - the GAPS diet works for autistic children too). having read this back i'm thinking that there is no way i can let her eat stuff that affects her that much its just not an option. but i don't know how i'm going to be able to get her to understand.
thanks again.

[ComaWhite]

First, It is absolutely ridiculous of you to suggest I was suggesting feeding allergic foods to an anaphylactic child.
Second, Thats the whole point, if you cant trust your kids to experiment and learn to use self moderation on something as small as food at the age of 4, whats going to happen to them when they try drugs at the age of 15? You are making an addict, not preventing one. Everyone of us needs to learn how to trust ourselves and our bodies at some point. If you step in the way of your child doing that for 18-some years, what good are you doing her, really? Look at the THOUSANDS of binge drinking, bar hopping, puking 20-somethings out there in our society. Did the "Not a drop till youre 21!!" mentality of our society help them learn to moderate and use alcohol responsibly?
No person ever stopped or tamed their addiction cause their mom stomped her feet and said "not in my house!" No one ever quit cause their mom said NO. You are disillusional if you think being controlling is going to prevent your child from life's misfortunes.
An addiction is something EVERYONE will struggle with at some point in their life and I personally think the best defense to personal addiction is a strong foundation of being familiar with your own body chemistry and impulses, strong personal boundaries and respect, experience in indulgence and moderation and a strong ever present support system by close loved ones.

[Leilalu]

first off, I want to apologize for only responding partway to your post. I was posting at the wee hours and meant to say more, but realize now, I didn't!



As far as addictions go- I think my mom must have been dealing with the same issues for us. She was a recovering alchoholic(who probably just drank socially, but a little too much sometimes, but stopped for real when I was like 2). My dad has always been a full blown alchoholic, as are his dad and brothers. Lots of issues there.

So I can personally relate as a child growing up with structure in the midst of that. It is good. And since you are the parent, I agree with Krankedyann that you need to be the spine.

However, as she grows up and sees the difference, show her how some things can be enjoyed in moderation. Because my mother abolished all liquor and simply transfered her addictiveness to other areas of life, she became somewhat shortsited on the issue. I grew up with a really legalistic attitude. It took me awhile to realize that some people DO stop at one drink. Some people don't neglect families or functioning and reason to have half a glass of wine occasionally. So I grew up seeing that alchoholic behavior was at least somewhat disgusting, and that it is not the way it has to be. Now that I am an adult, I struggle sometimes(or have struggled) with sweets, or with carbs, but always come back full circle with what I was taught early on. So even if she begs and whines for more, and you go through a relly hard phase, she will grow up with a better view of right vs wrong on the subject than if you hadn't held firm.

I guess this post just hits on so many sensitive spots.

I also think that the addictive nature and demons aren't simply going to vanish from her life until other areas of spirituality have also been dealt with! Food is only a way that it can be manifest. But this is the wrong forum for that, feel free to pm me if you want.

[caedmyn]

It sounds to me like your DD is confused by the inconsistencies in her life, and with her persistent and strong-willed character traits, her confusion manifests itself as a very strong determination to eat what she's not allowed to have. As some of the PP's have said, the family members and your DH who aren't supportive are confusing her, and I suspect that your fears over possibly harming her or causing and eating disorder are coming through to her and confusing her even more.

IMO you need to be firm--let her know that you are the mom and she can have the foods that you feel are best for her, with no exceptions. If she wants treats, fine, let her have treats--there are plenty of SCD legal ones, and let her know she can have whichever of those she wants, but her treats will be limited to those. To help her learn to enjoy those treats, maybe you could find some storebought SCD legal foods (like coconut macaroons) so she thinks she's getting something different, or maybe invite one or two of her friends over to share her treats with her.

As she gets older you can teach her to enjoy different foods in moderation, and you can also point on all the negative effects some foods have on how she feels and on her behavior.

Oh, and have you tried baking with coconut flour? It's an advanced SCD food but it is legal, and you might be able to make more "realistic" treats for her with that than with nut flours.