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Originally Posted by saimother  Hi moms,
My 4.5 yr old is going to an AMI montessori school (supposed to be the best in town) for the last 2 yrs. We are not 100% happy though and we are debating if we should continue for next year or should we change him to a public school.
I love the montessori philosophy and their materials but how far the kids get to do them is a big question.
Now my son is really nice and loving and no big behavior issues but this past week he comes home and says all potty words and says "i will touch your butt" etc. That really horrified me. When asked about it, he said one of his classmates does that. Then he is being rude, impolite too.
Yesterday he came home crying that he does not have friends and one group of kids are saying "GO AWAY" when he asks if he could join them,.
I feel that in his CASA the guide is not paying attention to the misbehavior of the kids. I don't expect her to give them time outs or anything which is non montessori but when the whole idea of montessori is self directing, self discipline, i dont think it fits here given the situation.
They teach grace and courtesy, giving compliments, apologizing to each other etc but the kids don't follow them even among themselves. My son does not follow them at home. He was a well behaved organised kid who has now turned the opposite.
I am planning to talk to his guide too but i wanted all your inputs.
He says he feels bored and lonely. Some kids are just teasing him i guess and i hope this is not some kind of racism. (we are asians)
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I hope it's nothing major as well. I do want to mention that, at this age, children take a lot of things to heart. A small, quick comment that is only heard between the person who said it and the person who heard it can be something the child thinks about all day and upsets the child all day. Remember that when you do speak to the teachers. Think of it if someone at your job said something to you and you got upset. You could not necessarily blame your boss for something that person said.
With that in mind, this does have to be addressed. Teachers rely on parents so much to know what is going on in the classroom sometimes. We might be working with a child and something is said across the room that we wouldn't even hear if we were sitting observing the children. All we saw was a child walk up to someone and say something and that child said something back and kept working. So this type of feedback is helpful. This way, it can be addressed by the whole class and the teacher can keep an open ear towards your child to listen for ways they interact with him and intervene when necessary.
Remember that, when he says children told him to "GO AWAY," they might have really said, "No" to the question of "can I work with you?" Maybe the son did assume that he could work with them and started doing so and the other child said, "Go away." Either way, if the teacher is listening and does notice this, the teacher can intervene and help the child to say it more kindly. It might not have been meant maliciously...sometimes children just do not know how to say things.
With the language, it is common for children to test that around this age. The limbic system is part of their brain that is growing at this age. This part of the brain increases behaviors, emotion, and long term memory. It really starts to grow in the early elementary years and is responsible for a lot of the talking back you often see at that age. He is testing his limits at home. Take a firm stance with that immediately. Look at him directly and say with a serious voice, "We do not use that language in this house." If there is a brief pause and he does not look away, say, "Do you understand?" The pause is good...it means he does understand. :-)
Above all, remember that children do not necessarily show perfect behavior simply because they are in a Montessori classroom. They still test and push limits. They still have frustrations. They still have and do all the things other people do. They're far from perfect children in the sense that 1940 television sitcoms would define that term.
They still need to be taught that certain things are right and certain things are wrong. They need to be taught how to say things differently than how they say them.
With that said, let me turn the attention to your son. When things happen that upset him, he can learn how to handle the situation on his own. Brainstorm with him and come up with ideas of what he can do when it feels like someone is excluding him:
--Write the person a note. (I don't know what his writing abilities are). I had a Kindergarten student who had a younger brother at the school. It was his first year and she kept doing things for him - finishing his work, etc. I was showing him something and waiting for him to complete it. She walked by and did one of the other pieces for him. I said, "Hold on. Let's see if he can do it on his own." He did it and she walked away (I did too). I thought the issue was closed. Later that day, I got handed a note with her walking away crying. Confused, I looked at that note. It said, "Dear Mister Bronsil, I don't like that you didn't let me help my brother." I immediately walked over (well...I sat there for a few seconds in surprise) and gave her a hug. I said that I didn't want to stop her from helping her brother, but wanted to see him try things on his own. I then told her I would teach her how to give her brother lessons the way we do. I swear her brother had more 3 period lessons from his sister than he did from me that year. Sorry about the long tangent...that was one of my favorite teaching moments. The point is, maybe writing a letter would help.
--Finding another person to work with. Maybe the child just doesn't want someone to work with him. Or he already has a partner to work with and too many people would be disruptive. Is there someone else he can work with?
--Saying how he feels. This is important.
--Talk to the teacher. If it really is an issue, talk to the teacher about it. As the parent, however, discuss this with the teacher first so you can both develop a strategy for when it does happen. The teacher walks a fine line between what is a serious issue and what is simply tattle telling. Either way, the goal of the teacher will be to help the student figure out a solution that he can carry out. It is important that you are both on the same page (you and the teacher) so this strategy can be reinforced at home when he talks about it as well.
I hope I helped some.
Matt
