Help help!

[OhDang]

Well I am not preg yet--I am TTC.

BUT, DH's family is all mexican. They are really nice to me because i have been around so long lol. But they always make rude-ish comments. The other day i was talking to dh saying mixed babies are the cutest and his aunt comes around and says No Mixed babies are ugly!! UGH. They make these type of comments all the time and it drives me crazy. I don't think i can say anything to them because they will hate me. I guess I am just venting. Does anyone else have this problem or something similar? Thanks!

[eepster]

It's important not to ignor these snide little comments.

With my MIL it started with occassional little racist comments. Then when DS was born she complained that he didn't look Chinese enough. Finally she did something abusive to him while she was at our house visiting.

Once you have LOs these things can escalate.

[Missy]

You probably have heard other comments if you think there's a problem, but I do see where your statement could actually make someone a little defensive and therefore respond without really thinking. Saying that mixed babies are the cutest is not only a huge generalization, but it implies that babies that aren't mixed aren't as cute. It really could be seen as a slam on people--specfically children--in the family who are not mixed. Especially if the woman who commented has young children or grandchildren, I can see how she may have taken it personally and actually feel that you were rude. Does that make sense?

Like I said, you've probably heard other things, so there might be an issue. But, sometimes it's important to consider the origin of the comment.

[kateena]

I agree that saying that mixed babies are the cutest is a generalization that some people might not want to hear. I don't think you meant it negatively, a lot of people say similar things to me and mean it as a compliment . Still, it sometimes leaves an aftertaste for me: It means my baby is different from the others, even if it's in a positive way. I know she will never completely blend, but as a mother I still sometimes wish that people would see what's so great about her, not just the mix. But that's just me rambling- I've never been offended by that sort of comment, it's just something that makes me pause.

BTW, I used to think mixed babies were the cutest- until I met my husband, and saw a lot of mixed babies. I don't see what makes them cuter anymore, I just think babies are cute in general, some more than others regardless of where they're from......

[kimiij]

Originally Posted by OhDang

Well I am not preg yet--I am TTC.

BUT, DH's family is all mexican. They are really nice to me because i have been around so long lol. But they always make rude-ish comments. The other day i was talking to dh saying mixed babies are the cutest and his aunt comes around and says No Mixed babies are ugly!! UGH. They make these type of comments all the time and it drives me crazy. I don't think i can say anything to them because they will hate me. I guess I am just venting. Does anyone else have this problem or something similar? Thanks!

See, if I heard that "mixed babies are the cutest," I would see THAT statement as rude. Why isn't it enough for black, mexican, asian, white, babies to be cute on their own? Babies aren't cute until their "mixed"? Saying that to people of color will definitley put their guard up. Its not right for them to say that mixed babies are ugly but I am just saying this so you can realize that to them you may be saying rude comments. Just another perspective.

[MetasMom]

I always suggest to get a thicker hide. The world is full of rude comments and a whole bunch of them come out my own mouth. Therefore I am very tolerant towards others. Hope things work out for you!

[purplegirl]

Originally Posted by kimiij

See, if I heard that "mixed babies are the cutest," I would see THAT statement as rude. Why isn't it enough for black, mexican, asian, white, babies to be cute on their own? Babies aren't cute until their "mixed"? Saying that to people of color will definitley put their guard up. Its not right for them to say that mixed babies are ugly but I am just saying this so you can realize that to them you may be saying rude comments. Just another perspective.

I'd have to say I agree with this statement.

[aaronsmom]

Originally Posted by OhDang

Well I am not preg yet--I am TTC.

BUT, DH's family is all mexican. They are really nice to me because i have been around so long lol. But they always make rude-ish comments. The other day i was talking to dh saying mixed babies are the cutest and his aunt comes around and says No Mixed babies are ugly!! UGH. They make these type of comments all the time and it drives me crazy. I don't think i can say anything to them because they will hate me. I guess I am just venting. Does anyone else have this problem or something similar? Thanks!

So...I'm assuming that you're of a different race than your DH so any babies you have will be mixed? That is definitely rude of his aunt.
My FIL used to make snide comments and use racial slurs around me all the time (I'm Puerto Rican) and we just decided once we had children that they didn't need that in their lives. You can't really tell that my DS is hispanic at all (he got his daddy's blonde hair and green eyes) but my DD is already turning out to be dark like me. DH's family is the type that they would be more accepting of DS because he's "aryan" looking than they would be of DD. : We just stay far, far away from them.

[EdnaMarie]

First of all, I will say that in some cultures, it is not considered rude to make comments based on looks. People are also more open about things like disabilities. I do not know a thing about Mexican culture but you might consider whether this is the case.

Second of all, I personally think it is really foolish to say that one group is better looking than another, and I would say so. You don't have to take it- you can put on a smile and say what you think (do they speak English? Do you speak Spanish?). In this case, something like, "I think all children are beautiful." would dampen their enthusiasm.

[Bad Mama Jama]

you have to be careful with phrasing. some people find it highly offensive when folks will say that multi-racial children are cuter. it can be taken as that race has to be mixed with another to make the people look more pleasing to the eye.

i know i was pissed when people would make erroneous guesses as to my dd's nationality and then they would be genuinely shocked that she was "just Black." as though black children don't come in a variety of shades and, god forbid, they can actually be cute. : so tred lightly. you just have to see some statements from all angles and imagine the perspective of the other side.

[Halfasianmomma]

Perhaps your DH could speak up and say something to his family instead of letting something like this fester...It doesn't have to be a huge dramatic talk; just something along the lines of "can you refrain from saying such things because your comments are hurtful to my wife"?

Just an idea...

[eepster]

Many posters are pointing out that the specific example the OP could be interpreted differently. I can see how this one particular incident may not have been a big deal. However, the OP is just using this incident as an example of a long term pattern.

Originally Posted by OhDang

But they always make rude-ish comments.

(bold mine)
I think the over all pattern needs to be addressed and we should not be distracted by a detailed analysis of a single incident.

[Missy]

Originally Posted by eepster

Many posters are pointing out that the specific example the OP could be interpreted differently. I can see how this one particular incident may not have been a big deal. However, the OP is just using this incident as an example of a long term pattern.
(bold mine)
I think the over all pattern needs to be addressed and we should not be distracted by a detailed analysis of a single incident.

I actually said that there may well be a pattern. But, based on her example, I also suggested that she might want to consider the origin of a comment. In this particular incident, her words could very easily be considered rude.

[katie9143]

ya i agree with those who say that you shouldnt say stuff like that. it actually pisses me off to no end when ppl say crap like that to me about my dd. i never know what the heck they mean by that. would they say to a mother of a white kid, oh ya, too bad she isnt cute since she is all white. i doubt it.

[Calidris]

1) when you say mixed babies are the cutest, what does that imply about their (non-mixed) babies.
2) beauty tends to be a cultural thing, and maybe to her mixed babies are ugly. Mixed kids tend to have a mixture of features from both parents, which is often striking, because it is unusual, but it often does not follow the classic concepts of beauty of either parent race.
3) generalisations lead to stereotypes, which are (generally ) not good things.