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Can the mom and the stepmom be "friends"?

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
This seems to be coming up a lot. I'd love to her from those who've made it work. For me, I'm not sure we could really be friends. We've had stages where we actually hang out and get our younger kids together for playdates, but even then I was always very careful of what I say because it might come back out of context. Its so different then hanging out with other moms, where we might chat about husbands, little fights, our pasts, but I feel like I have to be careful of what I say. We can be "friendly" but I do wish we could be more and co-parent.
post #2 of 28
I think the theory itself is great! Being friends and able to co-parent peacefully.

However, (and this is just my experience) it's such a slippery slope to walk on due to the fact that as a step-parent, one false move (ie: perhaps suggesting an alternative way to look at a situation) and the "mama-bear" instinct comes out and the "good" gets lost in the drama that generally ensues.

Just my experience, and I'm sure there are *lots* of other viewpoints, as we (meaning bio-mom, dh and I) all started out wanting to "co-parent" with each other and now all parties can barely be civil to each other.
post #3 of 28
Yes, when I was married to now my x husband I was friends with his sons mom and we even went and stayed there with them for a week a few times. My x husband new girlfriend is always there for me when I need her when they are sick or when I just need sometime for myself. She also like to take them and do stuff when my children's dad is away from the home working. I wouldn't want it any other way. I think we all have the perfect world when we can all get alone. I am lucky and thankful.
post #4 of 28
I love my ex's live-in girlfriend, because I love my ex, and she makes him happy. She's good to him, which translates to being good to his (my) kid, and propping him up so that he can be a better dad. Old fashioned guy that he is, he's a mess when he's alone. I don't want him to be a mess. I can't even imagine starting a life with someone who already has a child, so I try not to scare her -I have the feeling she's scared of me, anyway, and doubts my intentions. Hopefully with time she'll understand that I'm genuinely fond of her.

It's odd. It's never simple. My younger dd's dad is a real piece of work, and his wife is a good match. We don't speak. If hell opened wide and swallowed them both up, I'd light a cigarette and take a long, relaxing drag.

I won't say that bio moms can't be a PITA, but in my little illustration I'm the common denominator. One of the new Lady Loves seems respectful of the delicate situation she's signed on to, and the other is coniving and sickeningly self interested.
post #5 of 28
Strangely--I am good friends with my ex-husband's wife, and we did not have children together. But I have a 5-year-old SD, and he now has a 7-year-old SD, and they play often. It was a tiny bit weird at first, but we got over it.

As for my SD's mom, we're friendly, but not friends. We don't really have much in common other than SD, and I think we've both imagined the worst (even though there's little basis in fact for the imagined horror).
post #6 of 28
I think you can be good surface friends .. Talking about the weather or how was your day or hey little Timmy got an A on his math test .

But having a friendship on a deeper level is much harder because what you say can comeback to bite you in the A** !!

So I guess it depends on what type of friendship you are wanting to have ..
post #7 of 28
A while ago I thought that yes, we'll become friends. Now - um no.
I guess it all depends on situation.
post #8 of 28
I used to think we'd become friends, but now I'm very content with just being civil and courteous. Truly, that's all any of us should expect. Who can argue with civil and courteous?

Our case is odd, as we knew each other before all this. We were fairly friendly then, sort of friends, but never clicked as close friends, so I guess anything more than that will never happen now.

This gave us the huge advantage in our current interaction because we knew each other before, knew that the other is reliable and safe (in her case, I think it would help that she knows I'm a safe person to leave the kids with), and polite. We know each other's quirks a little bit.

Of course, it also gave us the huge disadvantage that she thought I shouldn't date her ex, since we were "friends." I figured my loyalty to this almost-friend did not extend all the way to refusing to date and marry my soulmate, but anyway I think we're both well past that concern by now.

And I'm pretty confident, having read a lot on this blog, that even had we met only after DH and I were married, that we would probably be right where we are now: polite but not friends. And I'm fine with that.
post #9 of 28
I've tried to reach out, a dozen or so more times, to my stepkid's bio mom, but she acts like I have leprosy. She still isn't "over" the fact that I am with my DF, and that I'm not going anywhere. She always has something bad to tell the fiance about me (always untrue). She refuses to even look at me or talk to me. It's sad because it makes things strained for the kids. But, I always try to keep reaching out and hope one day she will mature...
post #10 of 28
Yes, it's possible, but probably not at all common. I don't get along at all with DS's mom and after 8 years know that there will never be anything better than basic civility. OTOH, my ex's wife (stbx, sadly) and I always got along fabulously. There were limits to the friendship (she certainly wasn't going to bitch about her husband to me!), but we were friends nevertheless, and still are.
post #11 of 28
Sometimes I get along with DSD's Mom... sometimes I want to kill her. *shrugs*

We are always civil to each other, and it has gotten a lot better... like she actually looks at me when speaking to me. I have even done some drop-offs by myself, and I am FINALLY on the safe list at daycare and can do pick-ups by myself.

She has told my DP that she trusts me, so this is a good thing. We are friendly.... but I would not say we are "friends"... nor do I really want to be. We are on good enough terms to talk about concerns and strategies dealing with DSD, and that is good enough in my book.
post #12 of 28
yes for a few and no for the rest. It takes a lot of work.
post #13 of 28
Hope so
post #14 of 28
I imagine it's about as likely as it is for ex's to be friends. I can see that in a few years it might be able to happen, but there will always be a part of me that will be closed to my ex. We are friendly and to some it could even look like we're still together on the surface, but he will always be the man who broke his promises and broke my heart and DBF will always hold that against him, which will stand in the way of their friendship. It will likely be a long time before Ex starts dating again (he's working on getting himself together, which is very good), but I expect that he will end up with someone a lot like me, just like I've ended up with someone a lot like him. That will probably make it easier to have small talk and such, but I don't know how much farther it will go than that. I also think it depends on how much the original partners are over the relationship and how well they already co-parent together. I trust Ex to be a good dad and to be strong enough as a parent to not have that be undermined by any new partner.
post #15 of 28
Honestly, I think not. I would love to be friends with my stepdaughter's Mother, but it's just not happening. Too much jealousy over the child. How can you be friends with someone who flips out if you hug "their" child goodbye or if you, God forbid, ask "their" child to do something, like please stop jumping off the couch.
post #16 of 28
I have been really back and forth over this issue during the last year or so. I think that I have settled on friendly, but not friends. I just don't need my DF's ex telling me that she knows that he is good in bed (true story).

I will say, the friendlier the terms we are on, the less competitive she is with me. That does help.

But, OTOH, if I were truly friends with her, I could say what was on my mind instead of censoring myself all of the time.

So, yeah. Friendly, but not friends.
post #17 of 28
DD is 14 now and she has known my dh as well as her step mom since she was 2. I can honestly say that back when my divorce was new(even though it was desired by me) a friendship with the woman that became involved w/ my ex before he was my ex seemed completely unattainable or wanted. Turns out that w/o her my ex would not have been able to stay in our childs life. With each passing year we definitely are more comfortable and friendly. I am thankful that my dd is lucky enough to have two strong mamas in her life and I figure someday we may be friends. When dd was younger and we were really figuring it all out I would never have felt this way. Stepmom definitely had to prove herself to me before I was even close to willing to "share" my dd with another woman. My relationship with dd is an amazing thing and I am more than confident about the fact that I am her MOM. But she certainly benefits from this other parental figure, so I hope that I can too!
post #18 of 28
I consider her a friend...but I don't really have the type of relationship with her that I do my other friends. I don't call her up just to gossip and we don't go out shopping and for drinks. I'm not her shoulder to cry on and she's not mine. We don't really have too much in common though. She's 13 years older than me. She's nice, but outside of the kids, she's probably not someone I would be friends with...I'm sure she would say the same about me. It's not meant to be negative, just is what it is.

She did come to my baby shower though and I did go to her bridal shower. Pretty much any social activity involving the kids is an automatic invite. She watches my daughter and loves her to death. We talk about the next episode of BB or American Idol...stuff like that. I'm comfortable picking up the phone and making arrangements concerning DSD. I like her and have a tremendous amount of respect for her, but she is my husbands ex wife, not my BFF. I'm very lucky to have the relationship with her that I have.
post #19 of 28
I'll voice in from the other side, I wish that my dds fathers girlfriend would talk to me. They've been together for over 4 years now and she's never said more than hi to me. I was good friends with his last girlfriend and when they broke up it was really bad- she had let me know he was drinking and using drugs while dd was in the house and he became abusive with her and she left the state. Since then he seems to have told his girlfriends they can't talk to me. From what DD tells me, I really like this woman, she does a lot of great activities with DD, cooks her healthy food, gets books for her, plays games with her- more than I think her father does. I wish we could get along.
I guess I'm just putting this out there in case any of you are hesitant assuming that the mom would never want to be friends- You might take the chance. I wish I knew more about the woman who is spending a lot of time with my daughter, in a good way.
post #20 of 28
Absolutely. You both have to make the effort though. I'm very good friends w/ my boys stepmom. Her and my ex even watch my twins for me on occasion. My DH's ex on the other hand? Forget it. She won't even look at me. Oh well, her loss. She won't even be friendly w/ me never mind friends.

D~
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