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Can the mom and the stepmom be "friends"? - Page 2

post #21 of 28
Even though I'm 30, my dad has been with my step-mom since I was about 12 or 13. It was rough there for a number of years, but, my mom and step-mom now get along very well. It can and does happen. My mom has bought my sister (my dad and step-mom's daughter) things for her birthday and christmas. She calls my mom Aunt ________.
post #22 of 28
Originally Posted by phreedom View Post
I consider her a friend...but I don't really have the type of relationship with her that I do my other friends. I don't call her up just to gossip and we don't go out shopping and for drinks. I'm not her shoulder to cry on and she's not mine. We don't really have too much in common though. She's 13 years older than me. She's nice, but outside of the kids, she's probably not someone I would be friends with...I'm sure she would say the same about me. It's not meant to be negative, just is what it is.

She did come to my baby shower though and I did go to her bridal shower. Pretty much any social activity involving the kids is an automatic invite. She watches my daughter and loves her to death. We talk about the next episode of BB or American Idol...stuff like that. I'm comfortable picking up the phone and making arrangements concerning DSD. I like her and have a tremendous amount of respect for her, but she is my husbands ex wife, not my BFF. I'm very lucky to have the relationship with her that I have.
This is really similar to the type of relationship I have with DSD's mom, right down to the age gap.
post #23 of 28
Thread Starter 
There have been times when I felt comfortable picking up the phone and asking questions, taking younger ds over to play with her younger sons, going to dss's swim practice together, etc. But, whenever she and dh get into it, she calls him horrible names and says horrible things about him and the past. I find that hard to get over. I mean, I don't have any other friends who have screamed "m-fer" to my hubby. She's also and addict and I try not to make new relationships with addicts these days. She's really not like anyone I'd be friends with in any other situation. We are friendly, but I can't trust her. I think it would be nice if we could be "friends," but I have to censor myself so much, and she chooses not to censor herself (the pp about dh being good in bed is the type of thing she would say to me, she also tells me about drugs she does, etc.). Even though our custody agreement/visitation agreement has been steady for years, I feel like we're always one big misunderstanding away from court, so I do have to be careful about what I say.
post #24 of 28
I could never be friends with mine. I tried at first, what a joke. I don't do crazy.
post #25 of 28

I say the is sort of...

Now my situation is probably a little different than most of you, considering my stepson lives with us and only sees his mother on the weekends. So I'm more like the main mother and she's more like the co-mother if that makes sense , I think we have come to the point where she respects my opinion and backs me up when necessary with my stepson.

But believe me it was not always that way and their was actually a point in time where we got into a physical altercation. But now she has actually referred to him in a conversation as our kid so I think that's major progress.
Also I watch her other kids for her when she needs a sitter. That being said I couldn't imagine just hanging out with her radomly without my stepson involved.
post #26 of 28
We co-parented and my husband and my x were friends. I think it is harder for women. We weren't close but I respected that she cares for and wanted the best for my kids. We couldn't really be friends as the only things we really had in common were the kids. We did share birthday parties, sport games from t-ball to varsity teams the for us us went to conferences together. It was not uncommon for use to be in the bleachers step mom, next to Xhusband, next to me, next to my husband. We tried the friend route when the kids were about 9 years and 11 years but truthfully? If we had met at a social event we would have never gravitated to each other, we simply didn't have that much in common. She is perfect for my X and she loves my kids for that she gets my respect. We did have the unwritten rule that the birth parents had veto rights over the step parents decisions.
Now my husband and my X would go roller blading together, hockey games etc but it wasn't that way for us women.
We decided early on that we are going to be in and out of each other's lives for the rest of our natural life. It seems like it is 18 years but we quickly realized that we would then have college graduation, weddings, births etc. We are linked for life so it was better for us to not try and force the friendship between she and I. It was enough that we both loved our kids.
post #27 of 28
Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
I could never be friends with mine. I tried at first, what a joke. I don't do crazy.
post #28 of 28

it depends...

on the situation.

My DH's ex wife and I have run the gamut of the friendship relationship. For a while, we were pretty friendly. Not sleepover, cry on my shoulder kind of friend, but we'd chat on the phone now and then for a bit and I'd be in email contact/phone contact with her pretty regularly about scheduling, plans for our weekends with the girls, etc.

Then for a bit, she met/married/moved in with a man very quick (3 weeks, and wanted to change school districts etc), and it was hard for me to accept that her choice. It came apparent that my opinion didn't matter, to her, my DH or anyone else for that matter. That was also when her attitude to me and DH started to change. She, because of the friendly relationship between us felt ok knocking my husband for his past failures, and his family as well...the kind of joking that you would do with a friend, which made me feel uncomfortable.

So, I went into a period of time when I wouldn't talk or email her. This also had ALOT to do with the fact that I was feeling taken advantage of by everyone in this dynamic and felt that Tracy (the ex) and my DH needed to be communicating to each other, and it wasn't MY job to make sure that the skids had enough time with their dad, or make plans, schedules, do their laundry etc. There was also a time when DH was away that she and I made plans to get the kids together to play, and she completely blew me off, never called....and that hurt.

Now, we are at a comfortable place. I call/email if I need to: for example, this weekend we wanted to take the kids sledding, I called to ask her to pack snowpants and boots, as Dh was at a conf and wasn't sure if he was able to contact her. I pass along my DD's nice hand-me downs to the skids, but will call/email to see if they are something she would like. I called her when I caught my DD using SD6's webkins account when the skids weren't here, just to let her know and prevent drama.

In that long post, I guess every relationship is different, and it takes some trial and error to find what are comfortable boundaries for everyone. Early in the relationship btw DH and I, I wanted to be super involved. Now, I think we are in a better spot.
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