Lost our baby during first trimester, and my mom has not even called once.UPDATE - Page 2

[freestyler]

Thank you for the suggestions, mammas!! I will pursue both of those paths. And it is true, having a narcissistic parent is the worst. The absolute worst. They "look" normal on the outside, sort of, but are not normal inside. And I guess that's right---the reason her card was like that is because it is all about HER.

I appreciate the offer in thought of reading stories to my kids, hon! That's a nice thought.

Gotta go feed the little munchkins.

[RedOakMomma]

Hi there.

First of all, I'm sorry you lost your baby. I'm so sorry.

Now...your mom. My mom had Borderline Personality Disorder (related to NPD), so I can relate to a lot of what you said. A lot. It really affects you when your entire life is about taking care of the emotional needs of your parent.

For my mom, she never really changed, but our relationship changed. In the end she became a pretty great grandmother, and we found a common bond there. I'm really glad that happened, because when our oldest kids were 2 she died in a car accident. One day she was here, the next day she was gone. Despite all the pain she caused, I miss her terribly. I see her now for the mix of good and bad that she was, and over time I appreciate the good more and more, and forgive the bad (or the illness) more and more as well.

I'd encourage you NOT to break all ties with your mom--it may be what you need in the long run, but you're making a big decision (and drawing a line in the sand) when you're still hurting and grieving. People don't make good decisions in times of grief and pain. Instead, I would give yourself a little break from her. Just stay away from her for now, and let yourself heal. Don't let your anger become toxic, and don't lash out. Just remove yourself from it all for a while, and focus on the relationships you find healthy and enriching.

As for healing...therapy. Therapy. Therapy. It's made a world of difference for me. I never realized how much my mom's twisted treatment of me as a child, teen, and adult affected my every day life--my marriage, my emotions, my insecurities, my fears, my ability to trust, and even my parenting. My dh and I went to therapy together, so we could both work on our issues (thanks, parents! . With my mom's BPD and my dh's mom's narcissistic tendencies, we had a lot of re-learning and re-wiring to do.

Best of luck to you. I found for myself that I couldn't heal on my own. No book or any amount of self-help did the trick. I needed the kind help of a professional, and it made all the difference in my life.

[jaclyn7]

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and all the family stuff.

The only thing I can say is that take your relationship with your mother one day at a time. I don't want to hijack your thread, but with DH's parents it took us over 3 years to completely cut ties with his family and even now a year and a half later we both have moments where we think about them, especially when they couldn't even be bothered to send a card for our loss.

[freestyler]

I like the therapy idea best of all. It is so important. And I am planning to continue completely avoiding all contact with her. This is not something that just occurred to me since the miscarriage---she has been totally toxic for years now. About three years ago, when she left me stranded during the last trimester of my very difficult pregnancy, when I had pneumonia and was totally without help for a week (and even without a car), and had two little kids to watch....when she did that walk-out, totally abandoning me because of course she thought we were not treating her well (a load of crapola), I cut off all ties with her for a long time. It was great. Very refreshing! Very healing. But then my kids kind of sucked me into making contact again, and I was like, I'll do it for their sakes, they should have a grandparent, blah blah blah. But of course, she is an awful grandmother. She hates females, so she gives me oldest DD almost as much grief as she gives me (just constant crap and criticism), and she didn't treat the other kids too great either, actually. She treated me horribly, just one rung lower than a slave and one rung higher than dog poop! We would invite her over all the time for meals, and take her to the beach with us, and half the time she would end up leaving in a tantrum, because we were not serving her or doing things for her. In fact, we actually expected her to do radical things like bringing in her plate after dinner, lending a hand occasionally, take a look at my latest sewing project, etc. The only thing that made her happy was talking about herself or receiving gifts. BLECH.

She has been so totally toxic for so long. And I don't know why it took me so many years to discover that she has narcissistic personality disorder. And she has it BAD! Also hates all females....which makes for an interesting mix. Picture someone about 64 years old, dressed in crummy men's clothing, talking about herself or having tantrums or criticizing the heck out of us. BLECH. I refuse to have any more of her toxic presence in my life or in my children's lives. She is so mentally ill, and it's sad, because she lives a really crappy life filled with hate. But darn it, it is her problem. Everyone in the family has tried to help her at some point, and some of us had invested a lot, but as far as she is concerned, it is the rest of the world who has the problem, not her. Isn't that always the way, with mental ilness? God forbid I ever become like that!!

Therapy. Yes.

[Elmophant]

Freestyler While my situation is not completely the same it's pretty darn similar. My biological dad sounds like he could be the twin of your mom, though he's never been diagnosed with any disorders. When my DD was born I went through a time with him where it was all about how I had wronged him, blah blah blah. So I made the decidsion that I was cutting him off for good. I couldn't tolerate the hurt and I wasn't going to let him do to my child what he had done to me for years. It was a really hard decision to make b/c how does one just totally cut off someone that has been in your life forever? But I must say it's the best decision I've ever made. There is rarely time that I don't think about him, but I know I've made the right choice. My DD has no idea he even exsists and I'm just fine with that.

Ideas for overcoming the years of toxic behavior. I went to therapy and it made a world of difference. Surround yourself with people that understand the dynamics of the relationship and who support your decision. I also got on anti-depressants...that's a personal choice, but I wouldn't have made it without them. And MOST IMPORTANT...remember this isn't your fault and just your knowledge of this behavior will keep you from ever being like that. {{HUGS}}

[freestyler]

Thank you for sharing your story, Elmophant! It really does sound similar. Ugh. I am sorry you had to go through that too. Thank you for the reminder that it is NOT MY FAULT. Because I need that reminder! Toxic, narcissistic people like my mom always think it is the other person who has the problem/caused an argument/mistreated them, etc. And after a while, like after hearing that for 40 years, holy cow, you start to believe it on some level. My dad was abusive (physically, sexually and verbally), and there is already enough to overcome with that, even though he died when I was 12. (Committed suicide. Thank goodness his bipolar disorder is NOT something I inherited!). So there is already that whole messed up low self-esteem/abandonment issues, and so on, and I have done well getting through that with therapy and spiritual practice. But now there is MORE abandonment, and more abuse from my mom, and I'm like, holy crap, I can't take it anymore. I SO need to get these poisonous people out of my life. Thank goodness she is OUT of my life.

One thing though: our oldest DD who is 10, managed to get my mom's phone number, and has been calling her. I told DD that while she is free to call DH's parents and jaw all day with them, she is no longer allowed to call my mom. I cannot stand the intrusion of our privacy that it represents, because of course DD tells my mom EVERYTHING that is going on whether it's OK with me or not. I want those ties completely cut. My mom, by the way, has always mistreated our oldest DD, because my mom hates girls and always mistreated me too.

If our oldest DD keeps calling her, I will probably have to let her have some pretty hefty consequences. She only calls when she is bored---it is not that she is much attached to my mom, but she likes to yack on the phone instead of, say, practicing piano or doing a chore. :

Well, here's to healing!! Thank you to the great mammas who shared their hearts with me. I love you ladies!