First of all, I'm sorry you lost your baby. I'm so sorry.
Now...your mom. My mom had Borderline Personality Disorder (related to NPD), so I can relate to a lot of what you said. A lot. It really affects you when your entire life is about taking care of the emotional needs of your parent.
For my mom, she never really changed, but our relationship changed. In the end she became a pretty great grandmother, and we found a common bond there. I'm really glad that happened, because when our oldest kids were 2 she died in a car accident. One day she was here, the next day she was gone. Despite all the pain she caused, I miss her terribly. I see her now for the mix of good and bad that she was, and over time I appreciate the good more and more, and forgive the bad (or the illness) more and more as well.
I'd encourage you NOT to break all ties with your mom--it may be what you need in the long run, but you're making a big decision (and drawing a line in the sand) when you're still hurting and grieving. People don't make good decisions in times of grief and pain. Instead, I would give yourself a little break from her. Just stay away from her for now, and let yourself heal. Don't let your anger become toxic, and don't lash out. Just remove yourself from it all for a while, and focus on the relationships you find healthy and enriching.
As for healing...therapy. Therapy. Therapy. It's made a world of difference for me. I never realized how much my mom's twisted treatment of me as a child, teen, and adult affected my every day life--my marriage, my emotions, my insecurities, my fears, my ability to trust, and even my parenting. My dh and I went to therapy together, so we could both work on our issues (thanks, parents!
. With my mom's BPD and my dh's mom's narcissistic tendencies, we had a lot of re-learning and re-wiring to do.
Best of luck to you. I found for myself that I couldn't heal on my own. No book or any amount of self-help did the trick. I needed the kind help of a professional, and it made all the difference in my life.