Do you expect visiting children to help clean up before they leave?

[mamaduck]

When my kids have friends over, I always ask them to clean up the toys and games before they leave. Many of their friends do it automatically anyway.

The problem I am having is when friends visit *with* their mothers, and the mother takes them home without first asking them to clean up. It happened today -- kid's mom scooped up him up and said, "Time to go home." Then they were gone and our family room was left a wall to wall disaster area.

Is there a way to ask children to stay and clean up, WHILE their mother is here? I mean, I really think *she* should have asked him to clean up. But since she didn't, was there a polite way that I could have intervened?

[ohiomama]

When you see that they are gearing up to leave you can say to your own children,"So and so is going to leave, we're done playing with this stuff let's get it cleaned up." And unless the parents are completely clueless or selfcentered they will then suggest to their child that they help before they leave.

[3boysmom]

I always have everyone help clean up before a visit is over - even if the mom/dad is there. If they are clueless enough to attempt leaving without helping I say something to the kids like "Looks like the playdate is over...time to put the toys away " Then I pitch in to help while handing each child a toy to put away to get the ball rolling. Thankfully, I only have to do this rarely. Most parents (and kids) make sure they help with cleanup before leaving.

[LunaMom]

If a mess was made, I do expect the visiting child (and parent, if necessary) to help with the cleaning up. I just say to both kids, "Okay, guys, playdate is over in ten minutes...cleanup time!" and we all pitch in. Usually it's no problem.

It's pretty rude if someone scoops up their kid with no warning and walks out and leaves you with a huge mess. If you have the same person over again, maybe you can say, "Last time you left so quickly! Why don't we give them a ten minute warning next time so that they can share the cleanup?" It should get your message across!

[sparklemom]

No, I don't ask other's to help clean before they leave.
The only exception is when our 13 year old neighbor comes over for a visit. Sheesh, can she make major messes!!! So I've started asking her to help before she leaves.
I do make sure to clean up when we leave other people's homes.

[Dodo]

My dd's only two, so this might not apply, but I don't expect her friends (or mine, really) to help clean up before leaving. She trashes her friends' houses, her friends trash ours. No biggie.

[MamaSoleil]

Yes, yes yes. I'm echoing everyone's thoughts. I do ask them to help, with or without the other mom's involvment. The first time, the mom was surprised, but hey, why should she get to go home to a clean zone and leave mine a disaster???
It's all good, if approached properly. And everyone here pretty much said it the way it should be done!!!!!

Mamasoleil/samson

[PM]

It's pretty rude if someone scoops up their kid with no warning and walks out and leaves you with a huge mess.

It's not necessarily rude. You never know what's happening behind the scenes. Maybe the mom suddenly realized she was running late and imagined her irate, violent dh cursing her because she didn't get dinner on the table fast enough. You never know. I have a very vivid, very very guilty memory of this happening to me as a child: My mom called my friend's mom to ask us to come home (didn't happen often that she would call like that); I tell you, we JUMPED and ran home with the thought of being late or something or our dad being pissed off and screaming at her or whatever. My friend was calling us from her 2nd story window, telling us we hadn't cleaned up. I felt so bad but I felt worse for the situation my mom was probably in.

ANYHOW

No, I wouldn't expect anyone to clean up. I would never feel angry if they didn't. Great if they offer, but if they don't I figure they have a reason (shy, late, forgot to offer, etc.).

[gurumama]

Originally posted by Dodo
My dd's only two, so this might not apply, but I don't expect her friends (or mine, really) to help clean up before leaving. She trashes her friends' houses, her friends trash ours. No biggie.

That's us. With an active 4 yo and a 17mo, I haven't mastered the art of cleanup before/during meltdown before leaving. If we clean up too soon, the kids just make a big mess again. If we wait too long, they're crying and screaming ("I don't want to go!") and I end up leaving with two crying kids.

When it was just ds1 and me, we ALWAYS cleaned up. Now that I have two, I do try to get ds1 to clean up some, and I try to help as well, but with two separate friends our agreement is "You mess up my house and I mess up yours and we each clean up our own houses". It doesn't send the right message to the older kids, but we figure one year or this isn't the end of the world--as the younger kids get older, we'll work on teaching them cleanup.

[christymama]

before i let them drag anything out i say to them ok now remember the rules whatever you drag out you have to put back when you are done. Or they dont get to play the next time they are over.

[Britishmum]

Sometimes, sometimes not. Just depends on whether the mum is in a hurry, whether the children are tired, whether there is likely to be fisticuffs or a meltdown on anybody's part if we try to insist.

No biggie for me either way. My kids are quite capable of making the mess of ten on their own anyway, so it's no different after a playdate.

[candiland]

*I* always at least do a brief cleanup before we leave someone's house. At some playdates, I even sweep the floor and load the dishwasher for them! It's just the way I show my gratitude for having us over.
I generally would expect the same from others (well, not the sweeping and dishes part, but maybe just picking a couple of toys up or something so it at least looks like they made the effort). I think that this is just being polite. Of course, there have been times when my friend's youngest children were screaming and crying, or really tired, or whatever, and they just want to get out of the door as quickly as possible, which I totally understand. Or if they're really late to something, no problem. But if it was a chronic thing, I would probably consider it rude and mention it to them.

[elfie]

I always try to cleanup when I leave but would never expect it at my house. Honestly my dd trashes the place herself anyway and at our house the mess stays put until the late afternoon so it's really no extra if someone else has been there. Side note--- I live in a pretty isolated house so we do not have that many visitors. I may feel differently when we move into a neighborhood with kids stopping by a lot. Right now, i appreciate the guests and feel as if it's a treat to them to not have to clean up for a change. One of my closest friends and I have talked about this and we have an unsaid arrangement where we don't have to clean up each others houses. Thata's the best scenario because no one feels bad!

[Linda in OZ]

Clean up, what's that
It depends on how big the mess the kids made is. If they have gone out of their way to upend toy boxes for no other reason than to scatter them everywhere, then I get all the children to clean up. This all came about because we always do a clean up when visiting other people's homes and my eldest (about 4 at the time) asked why he has to clean up other people's homes when they don't help him, or something to that effect. And I thought well I still want him to help clean up the mess he makes when visiting and it isn't going to cause the other children irreparable damage if they clean up their mess. . I usually don't involved the other mother, it doesn't take much to make a game out of pick-ups when they are younger and the older ones usually only need a "come on lets clean up this mess"
Linda

[Sahara]

candiland,
you want to come over for a playdate?

I'd definately talk directly to the kids and explain to them what you expect. Some mom's really don't even think of cleaning up, maybe they don't expect it of visitors in their own home so it doesn't even occur to them to do it at your house. I think as they get older it's good to have children put some toys away before getting out anything else, which can happen midway through playtime rather than waiting until every single toy is out.
Good question!!
Steph

[CerridwenLorelei]

yes a few months ago

I surprised a friend
it was a rare rare playdate thing and I told them we had ten mintues and needed to help Zee put things back where they got them
she is fairly laid back( I am not) and VERY frank/blunt like I am and said oh that is ok
I said nicely " no it is not ok. We have this rule everywhere we go -they helped make the mess they need to help clean it up"
and the few times we are ever somewhere for dinner or family get together I always ask what I can do to help/ what part of cleanup they would like me to do

I have seen other moms say "these are the rules for our house " before playdates begin
I like that in case I forget to ask before we go..