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Do you expect step children to leave things @ your house? - Page 2

post #21 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
DSD has always been free to take things she liked from our house: clothes, socks, toys, books, laptop, etc. etc. etc. Of course it caused some inconvinience over the years, but we always tried to make it easier on her.

No, we are not rich, and yes, buying an extra pair of shoes because she left appropriate ones for the weather at her mom's is not easy, but hey... she is a kid, and has little control over her family situation as it is, the least we could do is to skip the drama over "this toy is too expensive to leave the house" and "where are the socks I bought you last week, hmmm??" If she cares enough about the toy to miss it here next weekend, she'll bring it back, and if she doesn't - then it's okay.. it's her toy, she'll be the one without it, and will learn her lesson.

We discussed things like "hey, please try to come prepared for the weather, it's kind of tough buying a new pair of shoes just because you forgot the other one at your mom's", but it's one thing to discuss, and another thing to forbid. I'm all for discussing, and all against forbidding. Their lives are split in two, they are torn between two households, it's not very fair to just ask them to "suck it up, and leave it here because I bought it".

I think if clothes is of an issue, adults should take the time reminding kids "do you have things you need for the weekend? unholy socks? shoes? a sweater? great!"

Everything else is up to the kids. If DSD wanted to take a game system to her mom's, and it was HER game system, she'd have to deal with the fact that she can't play the game when she is over here, if it's fine with her, it's fine by me. IF I didn't want her to take the game over to her mom's, I wouldn't be giving it to DSD as a present, I'd be buying it for myself...

Just my 2 cents.

P.S. if DSD needed two alarm clocks and her mom refused to buy one for her, I'd be happy to provide the second alarm clock, not because it saves money for her mom, but because it puts a smile on DSD's face.

P.P.S. Teacher's salary here! hehe...
As a stepchild who was not allowed to bring clothes home from my dad's, this is the response that I wish all parents would give. It is humiliating, especially for teenager.
post #22 of 25
Clothes that we buy stay at our house. The reason is that when we used to just let things flow back and forth freely, the clothes we bought would never be seen again. DH's ex would put them in a bag for Goodwill.

I do anticipate that as DSD gets older, she will decide to take clothes back and forth, and I'm fine with that. But as a little kid, it's not something she's going to think about or remember, so we've just asked for our stuff to be sent back.

We bought DSD a very expensive keyboard for her birthday last year, and it is at her mom's house. It wouldn't make sense to have it here as she lives far away and only visits on holidays. We also gave her an MP3 player and we always have to specifically ask that she bring it when she comes to our house - otherwise we would never see it again. It's used often when she's here.

With a teenager taking things like furniture, I would tell him that wasn't allowed. I'm sure that he figured you wouldn't like it when he did it, but he hadn't been told not to, so he did it anyway. We are clear with DSD about what she is allowed to take to her mom's and what she can't, or sometimes there are things that she takes but is expected to bring back.
post #23 of 25
DS asked once to bring his Wii over to ex's house and I refused. For us that was a family gift not just for him. Ex's house has plenty of digital entertainment anyway. We split the cost of the Wii with him. Otherwise I would have let him take it over there.

But if DS needed anything for his space there I would buy it for him (he really sleeps on a mattress in the babies room).
We have also asked that any toys he is given stay at the ex's house. Grandma has a shopping bug and will buy way too many items. She has recently started buying lamps and boxes and things from Target in the hopes that we will keep them here. I guess the ex's house is full of toys as well? And really he is only at ex's two nights a month so I don't worry too much.

I would have requested that DS ask or mention before he takes a lamp and things from his room. But really they are his things.
post #24 of 25
For the most part, my step-daughter has always had two of everything. Sometimes there was something she wanted to take to mom's or bring to our house, and the parents were all fairly responsible for getting things back to the other house... but she is only 5, so we had a lot of control over that kind of thing. And she only went about 2-3 days without going to the other house, so it wasn't really a big deal. IF there was something with sentimentla value to me (a doll my grandmother made for me when I was little, for example) I talked to her about why I wanted it to stay in the house... I didn't make it an issue of not going to mom's I made it an issue of not taking it anywhere.

Now we live farther away and see her less often. My husband and sometimes assorted other members of our family go there about once a month and she is here every couple months. We have very recently started asking her with some things if she wants to have them here or take them to mom's... toys, books, etc that I see as hers. As she gets older, I think she will be more likely to want to take things with her when she leaves, but at that point I think we can remind her when we talk to her as she is packing that if she wants to have it here she needs to remember to bring it.

We try to be good about making sure that things she brings with her from her mom's go back to mom's. I don't know if she would care, but we've gotten the impression that she would.

I think if we give expensive gifts, right now we can get away with "it's too big to take on the plane" or we can just give it as a joint gift to her and her siblings and it would stay here for all of them to enjoy.

With things like lamps and alarm clocks I would probably offer to buy a second one for the other house if they wanted one there and didn't have one for some reason... unless there was some philosophical reason mom didn't want her to have one... in which case I suppose my husband would have to discuss it with mom.
post #25 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
We discussed things like "hey, please try to come prepared for the weather, it's kind of tough buying a new pair of shoes just because you forgot the other one at your mom's", but it's one thing to discuss, and another thing to forbid. I'm all for discussing, and all against forbidding. Their lives are split in two, they are torn between two households, it's not very fair to just ask them to "suck it up, and leave it here because I bought it".

I think if clothes is of an issue, adults should take the time reminding kids "do you have things you need for the weekend? unholy socks? shoes? a sweater? great!"
I think one of the problems with this discussion is that some of us have 5 year-olds, and some of us have 15 year-olds. When DSD is 15, and she wants to bring something back and forth, fine. Her loss if she forgets it. If she is 5 and her mom calls up demanding that DF bring some stuffed animal (that his mom bought ) back to her house, well, then obviously she is too young to handle the responsibility of bringing things back and forth.

In addition, at 5, your parents take care of your things (washing clothes, for example). By 15, I was doing this for myself. DSD's mom's idea of taking care of things is different than ours, so that is another reason why we prefer that things stay here.
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