feeling very sad about ds2

[emmaline]

ds2 is 5, nearly 6. He started school this year and was having a pretty good time there, nice teacher, a few friends, very excited about the things they were doing. Well by midyear he had a new baby brother and a new teacher (his first one having gone on long service leave) and a whole lot of trouble. He's full of anger and hurt and acting up heaps in the classroom and at home. We're doing various things to deal with this and I don't really want to go into it all here. What I want to bring up is how I feel about it all. My dear child is in pain and I am in pain about it. One of the things we are trying to do is widen his social net at school so I asked one of the mums I often chat to when we're waiting to pick up our kids "D would like to have your son over to play after school, would that be OK?" She looked at me very strangely so I sputtered on about how the baby was sick at the moment and I didn't want to pass on his bad cough so maybe when he was better we could organise something and she gave a relieved OK to this, but I know she thinks my son is someone she rather not have her son play with

In past years i have spent many a meeting at this same school working out things for my oldest son - he found kids behaving like my ds2 to be very distressing and I was that mum wondering what the disruptive kids were doing and what the parents were doing about it, wishing my child didn't have to have anything to do with the difficult ones... I have thought many bad thoughts about parents and kids who were making life so hard for my son.. and now the tables are turned, this is a big lesson for me

does this make any sense? my child who coslept till age 5, bfed till 3 and a half, a loving child who always swamped me with hugs and I-love-yous is now the difficult one who people don't want their kids to play with, he's screaming innthe classroom and hiding under the table when only a few months ago he was making cards saying I like you for his teacher and looking forward to each day and I am in pain about it. I should of course be saying all this to the school principal but I don't relish going to his office and weeping all over him

well this is just a vent I guess, and a push for myself to do something about it

[mamaduck]

I have no great words of wisdom, but I want you to know that your pain and your feelings are fitting and you do make sense. We all want our kids to be well, and happy, and loved by everyone around them. We all want to be able find the magic solution and fix whatever problems our kids face.

I'm going through something similar (though it sounds like it is way less dramatic) with my 7 yo son -- and I feel so incredibly responsible. But at the same time I have no idea what to do. I posted in GD a few days ago... I feel like things must be my fault, but I don't know what I did wrong, or what I can do "right" at this point.

Your ds is lucky to have you for a mom. He is an exceptional person, and this phase is part of a journey that will ultimately lead to new growth and discovery. Holding your hand through the rough bits will make it bearable for him.

And Emmaline -- if we lived nearby, I'd have your ds over for a playdate in a heart-beat!

[kama'aina mama]

Oh dear! How hard that is. My only is much younger so I have no experience with this. Maybe if you try again to chat up the other mum... the one who got the tharn rabbit look... you could try a combo of flattery and throwing yourself on her mercy. Maybe a comment about how DS seems really overwhelmed in the classroom just now and you hope making a few friends one on one might help him out. "And of course, I want to be sure those friends are good role models for classroom behavior... so when he mentioned your sons name I was SO pleased!"

You are complimenting her child, which is always welcome, and you are making it clear to her that A) you are aware that your son is having trouble in class. B) you are trying to do something positive about his adjustment problems.

Good luck with your dear boy.

[emmaline]

I feel like things must be my fault, but I don't know what I did wrong, or what I can do "right" at this point.

exactly mamaduck , and I feel like such a f*** up that I saw your post about your ds and didn't even want to read it, it might be too close to home

Maybe a comment about how DS seems really overwhelmed in the classroom just now and you hope making a few friends one on one might help him out. "And of course, I want to be sure those friends are good role models for classroom behavior... so when he mentioned your sons name I was SO pleased!"

kama that is such a nice idea, I will have to practice saying it so I don't burst into tears and loook like an emotionla wreck when I try again

and now I must go and pick him up and see what the teacher has written in his communication book today, I will burn the d@mn thing if it ends up being a daily recitation of ds's evil behaviour

thanks for your kind words ladies

[LoveBeads]

I'm sorry! I have no advice (my DD is younger) but I just wanted to offer a

[journeymom]

Another hug here.

Your reaction totally makes sense. That sounds really painful. Maybe you could make an appointment on a Monday, after a weekend away from the stress of school, to talk to either ds's teacher or the principle. Or maybe they've got a school or district counselor they can refer you to for advise on how to handle this. This isn't your issue to deal with alone! You're not even there when this is going on, the teacher is, so it's in the teacher's best interest to help figure out a solution. It's supposed to be a partnership between parent and teacher.

The best solution will probably simply be the passage of time. You're busy with baby brother, but keep on loving, supporting and encouraging ds. That unconditional love will help.

[mamaduck]

I also think that if crying on the principal's shoulder is what you want to do, that you should do just that. It might help you feel better.

[emmaline]

I do feel better

I saw the principal, managed to tell her how I am feeling without recourse to the tissue box, heard a bit more background about the class and the principal's take on the situation ( she is hands on in the classroom quite often in support of the teacher who is a new graduate)

2 weeks holiday start in 10 days time - we'll all be reassessing at the start of the new term

thanks for hearing me everyone, I'm sure there'll be a few more chapters soon enough