PPD? Or does this just really suck?

[aircantu1]

I had my 3rd child 10 days ago. I had full-blown PPD after my 2nd child was born. Intrusive thoughts, anxiety, not sleeping, crying all the time, feeling like I wasn't bonding with the baby, etc...

So I expected to feel bad this time as well. I was OK the first few days but now I can't stop crying. So far none of the other symptoms have shown their ugly head -- but absolutely everything, or nothing at all, makes me cry.

I am absolutely terrified to be alone with my kids. Not because I'm afraid I'll hurt them but because the mere thought of it makes me burst into tears. I just can't handle it.

So far I haven't been alone but my husband went back to work yesterday so it won't be long. I have my cousin here with me this week but I'm already crying at the thought of next week. I don't have any other family to help.

I went to a PPD support group last Friday and will definitely be going back every Friday. Also, when I was still pregnant I made a psychiatrist appointment just in case -- my first appointment is next week. I refused to take medication after my 2nd child but I can not go through that again -- I will certainly take medicine this time if I think it will help. I suffered a lot longer than I had to last time.

My concern now is what if I take medicine life still sucks? I mean 3 kids is a lot of work -- it's no wonder I feel overwhelmed. Drugs aren't going to make the kids be easier to manage. But maybe they'll help me not cry over every little thing??

Would anyone be willing to share their experience with medication? I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now.

[Ruthla]

If you're feeling pretty hopeless, then medication can help a LOT. It can take away that 'hopeless" feeling and make the "normal ups and downs of motherhood" a lot more bearable. And if the medication doesn't help? Then you talk to your dr about increasing your dose or trying a different medication.

Also make sure you're getting lots of good nutrition and plenty of fluids. Fish oil helps boost mood, as do extra B vitamins, on top of what's in your multivitamin. Best is to get B vitamins through food sources such as liver and nutritional yeast, but a B-complex pill can also be helpful. Neither of these suggestions will interfere with any antidepressant medications.

[friendlymamma]

I can relate, a lot. Crying was how PPD showed itself to me. I would go to bed just so I could cry and cry and cry without DH knowing. I would burst into tears for no reason. I was sad and overwhelmed all the time. And I really knew something was not right when DS #1 would ask me every day "Why are you crying again, Mommy? Why are you sad?" It broke my heart. I wasn't being the mommy for him that I wanted to be. So I finally got help. Your situation sounds very similiar. It's not that your kids are hard to handle, it's just that your mental state is not in a place that allows you to handle them. Meds could help you, they did help me, a lot. It took about 2 weeks to really feel hopeful instead of hopeless. But I started feeling better within about 4-5 days. The crying did stop, too. I'm the mom I was again. I know that I needed the Meds to help me. PPD is a chemical imbalance, that's why the right med and dosage can make a real difference. Don't suffer if you don't have to. So many of the meds these days are safe for BFing if you are doing that, too. You need to be a healthy and happy mom for your kids. That is first and foremost. Why did you refuse to take meds the first time?

Good luck, I hope you find what you need to get better.

[aircantu1]

And I really knew something was not right when DS #1 would ask me every day "Why are you crying again, Mommy? Why are you sad?"

Just the other day my 3 year old was being difficult so I gave up and walked out. She followed me into my son's room and asked what I was doing. I told her I was getting him some clean clothes. She says, "oh, I thought I made you cry again".

Why did you refuse to take meds the first time?

My mother has a long and strong history of prescription drug addiction and I've always been terrifed of taking anything. Plus I was worried about the side effects.

Tomorrow is the support group again and in 1 week I have my first psychiatrist appointment. I just wish I could shake this feeling of sadness. I mean my husband just had a 3rd child too and he's freakin' singing in the shower he's so happy. What's wrong with me??

[friendlymamma]

[QUOTE=aircantu1;10653677]My mother has a long and strong history of prescription drug addiction and I've always been terrifed of taking anything. Plus I was worried about the side effects.

QUOTE]

I can understand if you were directly affected by this, but just because your mom struggled with addiction, doesn't mean you will, especially if you take it under the close supervision of a doctor, get the right dosage and med. Was it antidepressants that she was addicted to? Maybe I'm wrong, but I didn't think antidepressants were highly addictive, like narcotics.

Just from what you keep describing, I think you could definitely have PPD and I would suggest seeing your OB ASAP. The support group can help, but it can't help correct the hormone/chemical imbalance that produces the feelings you are having. Just remember that this is treatable.

BTW, where in TX are you? I'm in Dallas.

Good luck, let me know if you have any other questions. I can completely relate to what you are going through. :

[Hazelnut]

I don't know, but I find 10 hours with three kids under five pretty overwhelming. I have some of the same "is this normal??" thoughts since having my baby almost six months ago.

I definitely have some intrusive thoughts, but then I've always had a mild proclivity for that and I try to just catch the thoughts and fears and let go of them. I get really overwhelmed. It's hard. I wake up feeling good but I lose my temper a lot and just get really stressed out, and I know how horrible it feels to feel like you're not being the best parent you could be.

With a third I personally feel like I need more strength, yet I don't get many breaks, at night there's more chores. Just feel like I can't get over this hump of feeling constantly overwhelmed. I often think oh hell I should be taking meds but I took some in my early 20s and I am of the opinion that they should be a very very last resort. The one thing I'm not doing is getting out enough on my own and/or getting exercise. Just another thing I have to try to do. So I don't know, but I have my doubts that most new moms of three are all cupcakes and rainbows.

[aircantu1]

Was it antidepressants that she was addicted to? Maybe I'm wrong, but I didn't think antidepressants were highly addictive, like narcotics.

She doesn't discriminate, she has and will take anything. I know I won't become a drug addict like her just because I take anti-depressants...that is just one thing in a long list or probably irrational fears that had me too scared to takes meds last time.

Just from what you keep describing, I think you could definitely have PPD and I would suggest seeing your OB ASAP. The support group can help, but it can't help correct the hormone/chemical imbalance that produces the feelings you are having. Just remember that this is treatable.

I have a psychiatrist appointment next week. I also have my 2 week check up with my midwife on Monday. I'll see what she says. The support group is just *something* to hold me over until the psych appointment, really.

[ladybugmama]

I felt much the same way after having my 4th - cried constantly, rarely slept. I'd cry if my kids asked me for lunch - the thought of needing to care for them completely overwhelmed me. I told my dh that I didn't like our 3rd child anymore. I truly wanted to die. I begged my dh to take the kids and leave before they got to know me any better and maybe they'd forget me and how lousy I was to them. Anyway, I did not get help and absolutely should have. I commend you for reaching out and making the appointment to get help. It eventually got better for me without meds, but it was a long road.

If you can afford it, maybe you could hire a postpartum doula to help after your cousin leaves. My friend got a PP doula as a gift and loved her!

DH's don't have the hormones going on so it's fun for them to have a new baby in the house. I wished so badly that I could have enjoyed it, too.

[vanessab23]

Oh mama-- I can soooo relate as well, that sounds just like I was. I too am curious where in TX you are-- but if you aren't comfortable sharing then that's okay too I'm in Houston and found a support group at women's hospital on friday morning to be of great help also, in between therapy (with the facilitator, Sherry) and eventually meds.....

I had it bad with DS and waited an excrutiating 6 months to get on meds. I just thought it would pass, that my "home remedies" would work or that being a mama was just harder than I thought it would be.

But HOLY COW that was severe PPD and I only wish I hadn't lost that first 6 mos of DS's life-- I feel like it's blury and a really sad dark scary time when I think back on it. I NEVER want to be there again. And I wish he hadn't had to experience that. Or myself or husband.

Next time I won't wait until it gets that bad. I hear you have some fears about meds-- as long as you get the right med for you and dosage it WILL make it better....life will not still suck. It will still be busy and chaotic (I can only imagine) but it will be much more manageable. You won't have that "survival" mentality, that you just have to make it through the day and what if I don's...etc.....-- you will actually be able to get back to enjoying being a mama. that was my take on it, anyway!

And a worry I had when I started meds was "for how long to I have to be on this?" But you know what, when I finally felt like myself again and felt confident in my parenting and felt like I finally truly loved my baby (he wasn't just this boob-sucking, crying all day nuisance) I told myself and anyone who would listen that I just did NOT care how long I had to be on them.....I was just so greatful to love Miles and be a present mama and wife. For me at least it was soooo worth it.


Side effects are still not totally known, but seem to be very little, especially for baby. BUT for many out there the benefits far outweigh the potential risks of physically or psychologically harming yourself or your kids....

Sending you love on your journey-- please keep us posted

--Vanessa

P.S. feel free to PM me as well-- when I was there I found a local mama who was also suffering from PPD and we met up here and there-- I found I was finally understood....that mothering can be BEYOND hard. Get your support in line even if that just means online.

[aircantu1]

I am in Houston -- same support group, Vanessa.

I just thought it would pass, that my "home remedies" would work or that being a mama was just harder than I thought it would be.

This was me after my 2nd child. It did pass, mostly. But it took a long, long time. That's why I've already been to the support group and have a psych appointment made. I can't go through that again and I will absolutely take meds if I feel the need.

I only wish I hadn't lost that first 6 mos of DS's life

Sadly, that's me too. I really feel like I wished away my daughter's whole first 18 months or so. . I spent all that time wishing we could just get to the "easy" part. If she would just get bigger/ older/ easier/ less fussy then maybe I'd feel better.

I haven't cried since last Wednesday -- so, 5 days now. I still wouldn't say I'm really happy, but not crying every day is a big improvement. I do feel better than last time -- I was a complete mess from the moment the baby came out. But if PPD can strike anytime in the first year, I have a long way to go. I'm still keeping all my appointments just in case.

[aircantu1]

I'd cry if my kids asked me for lunch - the thought of needing to care for them completely overwhelmed me.

Yep. Very familiar.

[aircantu1]

I went to my psychiatrist appointment on Friday. It was a total disappointment. She obviously didn't know a whole lot about PPD. She basically told me to get a break from the kids and I'd feel better. And she also told me there's nothing I can take while breastfeeding. I know this isn't true but since I'm not feeling as bad as I did after baby #2 how do I know if I really need meds?

I get breaks from my kids -- I feel a little better while I'm gone, I guess but the second I'm back around them I feel like there's a cloud over my head and I'm so uptight and unable to relax.

After not crying for over a week I left there in tears. I don't know why, frustration, I guess? And I've felt sad and tearful every day since. It seems like any little thing can make me cry. I feel like I just can't handle life -- any little frustration has me in tears. It's so stupid. There's no reason I should be this sad, yet I am.

[GooeyRN]

You need a new psychiatrist. Zoloft is safe to take, and so is Prozac. You need more than a break from the baby. And like you said, you don't have help. Breaks don't always help, either. I pushed my dd off on dh whenever he was home for her entire first year. So I got breaks. It didn't help. What worked for me was going back to work part-time when dd was 14 months old. I didn't like the idea of being away from her, but you wouldn't believe how great I felt after just a week. Thankfully I don't have PPD nearly as bad this time. This time I am just overwhelmed and hopeless feeling, not the whole anxious and sad stuff. This time I think breaks would help. But again, I don't have anyone for most of the day.

[Hazelnut]

I've gone through several therapists in my life, and I can see why you cried if it was disappointing. I think it's very frustrating and hopeless feeling when you make that step and have these hopes for help and then they just don't seem helpful at all. I would just keep trying til you find someone you like and trust and who feels like they might actually help. Also, I am usually the biggest proponent of talking with women about things only women could understand (like ppd). Yet the female doctors and therapists I saw really just sucked, I thought. I think if I were going again I might not necessarily care if it were a woman who has had kids. You never know who might just be more helpful. : my .02

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by aircantu1

I get breaks from my kids -- I feel a little better while I'm gone, I guess but the second I'm back around them I feel like there's a cloud over my head and I'm so uptight and unable to relax.

This is how I felt as well. I've had terrible PPD after both babies, though I will say it was easier to manage after #2 because I knew what to expect and didn't have the learning curve on coping.

I didn't take meds either time. I wouldn't. If I went through it again, I would consider it. I was taking a cocktail before I got pg w/ DD, and then everyone tried to get me to change meds to Paxil or Zoloft (can't remember which). I wouldn't, though they swore it was safe. Now there are some reports out suggesting they're not as safe as previously thought, which makes me feel better.

Fish oil doesn't do anything for me, but B vitamins are really helpful. I also realized after #2 that sleep was a huge factor, more than I'd realized. Every 10-14 days, I would sleep when DH got home until about midnight. I felt so much better the next day. DD nursed constantly through the night. She was a preemie, so once she got going, there was no stopping her. I never got enough deep sleep, and I think that magnified all of the other problems.

[vanessab23]

yep-- you need a new psych. I saw one that really let me down-- also a woman, a mom. but at least she knew her meds. that was dr. basu but ask sherry at the next group-- she can reccommend a few others.

like gooeyrn said, there are meds to take if you want them.

in the end dr. basu pissed me off so much that I just took the advice of my therapist (sherry duson, who i trust implicitly) and what my own experience had been so far and asked my regular doctor for what i wanted: zoloft. then it was wellbutrin. now zoloft again. he'll give me whatever I ask for, which can be good or bad.

hugs to you mama-- you will get through this......

[aircantu1]

Well that stinks to hear about Dr. Basu. She was the one I was going to try next. :

I didn't take meds either time. I wouldn't. If I went through it again, I would consider it.

That was me too. I really regret not taking meds last time. I think it was a big mistake for me. I will not hesitate this time if I get to that point...or maybe I am to that point? I don't know.

I am taking fish oil and B vitamins.

ask sherry at the next group-- she can reccommend a few others.

I will next time I go. I skipped last week to see the awful psychiatrist (would have benefitted more from the group) and I can't make it tomorrow but I certainly plan on going back!

[riverundine]

I'm all for meds if that is what you feel will help you most. That said, I'm not a proponent of meds if something else can do the job.
I've been in the PPD boat since day 1 after dd2 was born. I'd been taking my prenatals, a B complex, flax omegas and chlorophyll - then added my placenta caps after the birth -and still was crying incessantly, feeling completely overwhelmed, super anxious, fearful, angry at dh for not helping me, alone, very alone...I felt so bad for my poor dd1 who wanted to "fix" me every time I was crying my head off..."Mama sad? Lo-lo fix mama and mama be happy!" And she'd give me a little shoulder rub as she saw dh do once when I was crying. Yes, it breaks my heart too when the little ones are affected. It makes me feel like I suck at being a good mom because I can't control being an emotional basketcase. Thankfully that hasn't happened in about a week. I added a cal/mag sup and L-tyrosine. It started to work after about a week. Now I've begun SAMe and inositol, as they promote a positive outlook. I do feel that there are natural alternatives that can promote balance. It's a matter of finding what works for you, just as with pharmaceuticals.
Mainly, have faith in whichever path to healing that you choose. I hope that it comes quickly for you

[vanessab23]

Originally Posted by riverundine

I'm all for meds if that is what you feel will help you most. That said, I'm not a proponent of meds if something else can do the job.
I've been in the PPD boat since day 1 after dd2 was born. I'd been taking my prenatals, a B complex, flax omegas and chlorophyll - then added my placenta caps after the birth -and still was crying incessantly, feeling completely overwhelmed, super anxious, fearful, angry at dh for not helping me, alone, very alone...I felt so bad for my poor dd1 who wanted to "fix" me every time I was crying my head off..."Mama sad? Lo-lo fix mama and mama be happy!" And she'd give me a little shoulder rub as she saw dh do once when I was crying. Yes, it breaks my heart too when the little ones are affected. It makes me feel like I suck at being a good mom because I can't control being an emotional basketcase. Thankfully that hasn't happened in about a week. I added a cal/mag sup and L-tyrosine. It started to work after about a week. Now I've begun SAMe and inositol, as they promote a positive outlook. I do feel that there are natural alternatives that can promote balance. It's a matter of finding what works for you, just as with pharmaceuticals.
Mainly, have faith in whichever path to healing that you choose. I hope that it comes quickly for you

I tried all you mentioned also-- and finally after 6 months I started zoloft. I had finally realized that I was trying to strike a balance between providing healthy food and supplements for me (and thus DS's since he was BF) and providing an emotionally (and physically) safe environment for all of us. It's a very personal decision, but being on the other side now, I regret having put us through all of that because I was so leary of trying pharmaceuticals.

I hope that one day a report doesn't come out that zoloft causes babies to grow an extra arm inside (yikes!) but for now I know that being emotionally present for my son instead of crying and raging all day like I used to is a more sane choice. For us.

Good luck to all the mamas who are in this "boat"

[aircantu1]

7 weeks tomorrow -- still crying, feeling completely overwhelmed by life and incapable of dealing with the most minor annoyances. And I have no patience for my kids. I hate this.

I have a therapy appointment next week and a psychiatrist appointment to discuss meds the following week.

I wish it was sooner but I've made it this long, so...