Let the Arguments Begin!

[LemonPie]

Here's the background if you aren't familiar already:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=853106

So my mom called this morning and started in on the arguments.

"What if you have a prolapsed cord?"
"What if you start hemorrhaging HOURS after the birth"
"What if you go into preterm labor? Then you get whatever resident is on call" (this actually is a minor concern of mine--some of those residents are idiots)
"Homebirth midwives are practicing illegally in CA" (uh . . no they're not)
"Homebirth midwives don't run a lot of the tests that OBs do" (which is part of my reason for using them!)
"But Dr ______ will let you _______ in the hospital!"

Waiting to clamp the cord is "just some crunchy idea" and she didn't believe me when I told her there were actual peer-reviewed studies on it.

Ugh. . . she didn't even get to Beta Strep because she had to leave for an appt. She's really going to freak over that one.

I held my ground pretty well, but this is going to get old if it continues all 9 months. Even if the arguments stop, there's going to be a lot of "I sure hope everything goes okay!" and "I sure wish you'd opted to go to Dr ______" (she's impressed with him because of 'the way he handles emergencies' )

[Changed]

Ugh, bummer.

How about something along the lines of-

"Mom, I refuse to have my pregnancy stressed by how you feel about my choices. I don't want to discuss it with you. I expect you to support and trust me to make choices that are best for me. I know that you don't want me to be stressed and only want what is best for me so please just let this go."

[TaraRae82]

Again, I think I must be more verbal and stubborn with my Mom, though we're VERY close. I would've responded with all the reasons why her concerns aren't concerns which it sounds like you did. If she continued to want to discuss it, I'd hand her a book like Gentle Birth Choices and tell her you're done talking about it because she's stressing you out and that's not healthy for you or the baby. But, that's just me.

[TaraRae82]

Originally Posted by Jörð

Ugh, bummer.

How about something along the lines of-

"Mom, I refuse to have my pregnancy stressed by how you feel about my choices. I don't want to discuss it with you. I expect you to support and trust me to make choices that are best for me. I know that you don't want me to be stressed and only want what is best for me so please just let this go."

Ahhh, great minds think alike!

[Changed]

BTW- Isn't the fact that your DH is a doctor enough for her? Geez.

[LemonPie]

BTW- Isn't the fact that your DH is a doctor enough for her? Geez.

I know, seriously. Except that he doesn't do OB. He does a lot of women's health care, but he decided in residency that OB wasn't for him. He knows enough though It did, however, settle her quite a bit when he told her he was cool with it.

[elspethshimon]

Tell her to submit all questions, concerns, and complaints in writing.

[nataliebassoon]

: Good luck with your mama. . . I wasn't ready to do a home birth, but I went to a freestanding birthcenter, and my mama was pretty cool with it, she had considered the same birth center with my brother, but they were a little bit too crunchy for her style back then, and hospitals still allowed VBACS back then. I had a friend who did a homebirth 30-40 minutes away from the nearest hospital and had major hemmoraging- and she was just fine! She had her second baby at the birth center after that experience, though. We all know you'll do great and are here to support you! Maybe you and your mama can just agree to disagree: Plainly and clearly explain your reasons to her one last time and tell her the discussion is over- when she brings it up again, quickly and politely end the conversation- hang up the phone, walk away, whatever. Hopefully she'll get the idea and at least learn to keep her reservations to herself. And whatever you do, don't invite her to the birth!!!

[nccrunchymama]

Originally Posted by elspethshimon

Tell her to submit all questions, concerns, and complaints in writing.

Oooh. I like that idea. It would certainly make conversations more pleasant. It might also prevent "attack questions" at bad times. I like the book suggestions, too. It might help if she reads some of the things that helped you make your decision. Maybe you could suggest that she finish her "assigned reading" before she submits her written list of questions and concerns and that you won't discuss it until then. Even if she never agrees with your decision, she may at least begin to see your side of it. And it is your decision. Not hers. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. And I really hope it settles down so you can have a peaceful pregnancy.

[nataliebassoon]

: Good luck with your mama. . . I wasn't ready to do a home birth, but I went to a freestanding birthcenter, and my mama was pretty cool with it, she had considered the same birth center with my brother, but they were a little bit too crunchy for her style back then, and hospitals still allowed VBACS back then. I had a friend who did a homebirth 30-40 minutes away from the nearest hospital and had major hemmoraging- and she was just fine! She had her second baby at the birth center after that experience, though. We all know you'll do great and are here to support you! Maybe you and your mama can just agree to disagree: Plainly and clearly explain your reasons to her one last time and tell her the discussion is over- when she brings it up again, quickly and politely end the conversation- hang up the phone, walk away, whatever. Hopefully she'll get the idea and at least learn to keep her reservations to herself. And whatever you do, don't invite her to the birth!!!

[Mrshawwk]

With my first pregnancy my mom was completely stressed (I mean seriously, she couldn't sleep, couldn't hardly function because she was so worried) that I wanted to have a homebirth. It was awful. It took so much joy out of a long awaited pregnancy. In the end, God did an amazing miracle and gave her complete peace about the whole thing. What happened was my husband talked to my dad. They discussed everything, all my parents' fears and what-ifs. I don't remember what was said exactly, but for the next month or two of pregnancy, all was well. Mom finally got some sleep!

I hope it works out for you. In hindsight I don't even know what I would have done differently. It's no fun and I wish you well.

[DreamsInDigital]

I think once you answer and address all of her concerns that this bombardment will stop. Maybe you can invite her to meet your midwife and she can ask her all of her questions. I found that when my parents were worried about my homebirth that just meeting and talking to my midwife helped alleviate a lot of their fears because they realized just how smart and capable she was.

[myrmom]

oh man...I don't think my mom has realized we are planning a home birth... I mean she knows but I don't think she has "relized it..lol"

she is a firm believer that women DESERVE medications during labour...lol

I do hope your mom comes around.....in time when she sees how adament on this you are and how much it means to you i'm sure she will see your point. Is she willing to read anything??

[triple07]

My mum is truly my best friend. I love her to death and I always will but there have been times throughout my life when she would get way too involved in something in my life that I just told her to butt out! Of course, she wouldnt like it, get mad at me and not talk to me for a few days but then would get over it, butt out, and we moved on with our fabulous relationship.

And I agree with the ppl who said you should (1) tell her it is adding unnecessary stress and (2) submit any questions and concerns in writing...

[LemonPie]

she is a firm believer that women DESERVE medications during labour...lol

I do hope your mom comes around.....in time when she sees how adament on this you are and how much it means to you i'm sure she will see your point. Is she willing to read anything??

LOL, luckily for me, my mom is sort of anti-epidural. She had 4 vag deliveries and 3 sections (baby #5 had birth defects and went into distress--she had a vertical incision as a result). In fact, I wish she'd been there sooner when I had #1. I got my epi about 30 minutes before she walked in (she lived 2.5 hours away at the time). With #2 when I decided to go naturally, she fully supported that and was great as a labor support.

I'm not sure if she'd be open to reading or not. Hopefully we can just reach an "agree to disagree" place and she can keep her negativity to herself. And then, with any luck, I'll have the most awesome homebirth ever and completely convert her, LOL

[roadfamily6now]

" mom, homebirths are very safe. I know the research adn belive this is the right thing for our family. All the midwives here are licenced and legal. They will not accept any high risk patients and if I develope a condition that makes me high risk, they will pass over my care to an OB and we will go from there. I hope that you can support me, even if you dont agree."

[sarahtar]

I have to say, my mom just died at the end of January, and while I do miss her, one of my early thoughts after the positive PG test was "man, thank God I don't have to argue with her about a homebirth." Because it would have been the same as all this junk.

My plan, though I never had to put it into action, was to use active listening with her. To tell her (preferably on the phone, and then have to go immediately) and then give her a day or so. Then invite her to lunch, and give her ALL of that lunch, however long it took, to get out all of her concerns, reflecting them back without agreeing.

"You're worried that a midwife at home won't be able to handle postpartum bleeding."
"You're concerned about my safety because you love me."

So she KNOWS I heard her. NO ARGUING.

Then I was going to conclude the lunch by telling her that I appreciated that she felt comfortable sharing all of her concerns with me, but I had done extensive research and was comfortable with my decision. I would offer to share the facts with her, recommend a book, send her some articles, and I'd be happy to discuss them after she read them. But that it was important that she realize that 1) I was not going to change my mind and 2) we were not going to argue about it or dwell on her negative thoughts any more.

I also at some point felt it was important to work in the fact that I am NOT stupid, and if something changes making it unsafe to be or stay at home, we would absolutely run - not walk - to the nearest hospital.

This plan was part suggested by my midwife, part suggested by some friends who compared it to discipline with teenagers. My midwife also was very open to accepting an hour with my mom to discuss her qualifications and my mom's concerns.

I felt it was important that my mom felt listened to, because just shutting her down would only make her fears grow. But also important that the whole pregnancy not be an argument.


So I don't know if that's of any help to you, but it was my plan. I'd actually practiced it in my head quite a bit during my previous two pregnancies (which did not work out), run through several scenarios, gone over some things I might say, etc. I need a lot of mental preparation for things like this, lol.

edited to add, my mom only had one baby (my sis and I are adopted), which was quite a difficult pregnancy - she spent MONTHS in the hospital on bed rest, back in the era of large, shared rooms. She watched so many women come in pregnant and leave without babies, or have such difficult complications. Her own baby was stillborn. Her experience of pregnancy was very, very bad, and very, very shrouded in fear. Her concerns had a real (if unrealistic) basis, and I really did empathize with that experience. She had no positive thoughts associated with pregnancy or childbirth.

[girlsmamma2]

new here, but thought I'd put in my 2 cents! I think it's great you are standing up for yourself. I know it must be hard. I would also express to her that you have listened to her concerns and you can give her a book to read to make her feel better, but right now your main priority is having a happy, healthy pregnancy which is one of the reasons you made the hb decision (I've had 2 hb's too) and her badgering isn't going to make you change your mind. In fact it's what you want to avoid and what the drs try and do when you mention anything in the way of a natural birth to them. You can tell her it's fine if you disagree, but it's your baby, your family and you love her to pieces but this is your decision and I wouldn't entertain any conversation if she can't be supportive, if she chooses to add stress. Your priority is staying in a positive way, not to appease her every fear. You'll know how to put this to her more gently but also firmly enough so she'll stop the questions and putting her concerns on you. good luck!

[WeasleyMum]

Originally Posted by roadfamily6now

" mom, homebirths are very safe. I know the research adn belive this is the right thing for our family. All the midwives here are licenced and legal. They will not accept any high risk patients and if I develope a condition that makes me high risk, they will pass over my care to an OB and we will go from there. I hope that you can support me, even if you dont agree."

I like this approach. Let your mom know that you've decided to homebirth because it's the safest option. Give her the data (in writing) about the efficacy and safety of homebirth compared to hospital. Look at the mother and infant mortality rates in the US-- they're like the worst in the "civilized world"! Remind of her of some of the things that only happen in hospitals, like staph infections. Give her the websites, books, articles and etc, that discuss homebirth so that she has resources to go to besides you...

But after awhile, I'd refuse to discuss it on the grounds that she is stressing you out.

[rosehillworks]

I am new here but wanted to let you know that cord prolapse is not the end of the world. My fifth homebirth was a cord prolapse and while scary, I have a happy healthy 2 y/o little boy. I am now due in October with number 6. I am seeing a doctor this pregnancy to make sure everything is ok, but he knows if it is I will be having this one at home also. Helen

I forgot to tell you my mom is ok with homebirth now but it took a couple for her to see it was ok. I have been where you are, hold true to what you want and she will probably calm down after you have a wonderful, uneventful homebirth. It is hard but I agree to let her know she is stressing you and hang in there.