Help me figure out how not to lose it

[annettemarie]

My husband's schedule is insane, and it's not going to get any better any time soon. Since yelling at him to magically make more hours in the day isn't working, I need to try something different.

I have 4 little ones (ages 9, 6, 4, and 10 months) and I homeschool. Right now, pretty much my only "concession" is that we have 1/2 hour to an hour of screen time in the afternoon when I take a nap with the baby, sitting on an easy chair in the same room. We don't have family in the area and hiring a sitter on any sort of a regular basis is out.

I'm hoping there's some sort of obvious solution I"m missing.

[alegna]

Dh working long hours kicks my behind and I just have ONE!

Sometimes out-of-the-house activities help. If dd gets enough stimulation she's easier to deal with (though getting there isn't always easy...)

Having days where you accept that it will be a do-nothing day. Stay at home. Watch a movie. Play with playdough. Don't try to accomplish anything. I find one or two of those really help to make me less stressed.

Things they can do on their own- whether it's a shelf of craft supplies or building a fort out of couch cushions. Anything that dd can do WITHOUT me is a plus.

good luck!

-Angela

[alegna]

Another thought on a slightly different track- thinking about the ages of your kids.... at 9, 6 and 4 they can all be helpful. I would try to spin it as fun but find fun, helpful things for them each to do. The 9 yr old can be in charge of helping with menus and food planning and cooking easily. (obviously prep will need plenty of mom-help, but the planning and taking charge could be helpful) At 6 there are plenty of cleaning and daily tasks that a kid can help with- anything from- being a shoe wrangler and making sure all the shoes in the house are put up to checking to see which laundry bins are full and need washing and the like.

Hopefully the responsibility and just distraction will make everything run a touch smoother... well, it's a nice idea at least

good luck!

-Angela

[ErinBird]

Blah. The only solution I have found to work with just my one toddler is to sleep while DH is at insane work. DH gets up several hours before DD and I do and it makes my time alone with her shorter. I also try to get out of the house at least once a day. When DH is home in the evening, I can slow down a bit and do more then parent. We all go to bed around the same time.

Not sure if that will be applicable to more then one child, but maybe it'll help someone with a similar issue?

[TEAK's Mom]

I'm right there with you. This is the time of year when dh works, sleeps, and works some more. It is so hard to make it through the evening when a break should come and doesn't. I actually save up money for take-out food for these months so that I can take a break from cooking dinner once or twice a week.

[CommonSenseMother]

I also recommend getting out. Get a list of places where you can go and do for free. What kind of homeschooling play dates you have in your area? Try to get involved, if just to get the kids out.

Also your three older children are old enough to help take care of the home. I keep my kids to some degree on a short leash. We homeschool too, and they have daily chores. Their "free" time is not done very far away from me unless we are outside in the yard or at a park.

Have a set quiet time too so that you get a break in the middle of the day.

[mbhf]

I just try to be happy that I get to see my DH on weekends, and sometimes at night if I'm up late enough. Easier said than done, I know.

What does your dh hate to do that you love to do? My dh hates going out, period, but he really doesn't like the aquarium, childrens museum, etc. So we do that a lot. It makes the time really fly by. We also do the playground most days. For a while we got up and went to the coffee shop every morning for breakfast while my DH was gone last time. It was a great way to start the morning.

are you willing and able to take another break through the day? maybe 1/2 an hour in the morning too?

[mumkimum]

I'll throw in baths at weird evening times I'm trying to pass time and need a break (for myself or dd - so either it's me with an audience or I can throw on a face mask while she's occupied). Heck, I've done this in the middle of the day too.

[vbactivist]

annettemarie - is your husbands church not able to offer any respite? Our church often helps the pastors wife with childrcare or even meals when he is out of town for work stuff. They are in a similiar situation ( I think) - no family and 5 young children, not a ton of disposable income...

but when my husband travels, I pretty much resign myslef ot the fact that we are going to have a messy house and not so great diets for a while. I just try and stay on top of the laundry and dishes, and at least one of the nights we have cheap frozen pizza.

[annettemarie]

Thanks all!

Right now, DH is the senior pastor in a church that really should have two and a half full-time staff members, minimum. He was the associate, the senior was elected bishop, and DH was elected senior. Honestly, it was too much even for just the two of them. They have hired a parish administrator, but it's going to be at least a year before the staffing gets straightened out.

There are some members who do offer to help. Just the other night someone called and took Katie Grace to see a musical at the local high school (although, just my luck, she's my one kid who isn't an ounce of trouble. I actually miss her when she's gone because she's such a huge help!)

There are people who would probably help if I asked. I have a very hard time asking.

Things just seem dire, I think, right now. It's grey and snowy. My oldest is going through a bad patch, developmentally and behavior-wise. Co-op just started again, so that's a guaranteed one day a week out.

DH also has said he's going to try to be home from 1 to 3 when Michael has orchestra (every other week he goes for cello/orchestra at the public school from 1:30 to 2:00) and be home by 3:30 or 4 when there's no orchestra. I'll believe it when I see it, but it's a lovely though.

[vbactivist]

I understand about people wanting to take your most helpful child

I wish there was a way for the church family to serve you all. Before holy week, our pastor usually prays for support for his family. Is there any way for your dh (or you) to ask about some sort of weekly, consistent help?

Good luck, and be gentle with yourslef during these times

[annethcz]

Do you have any HSing friends/acquaintances that you could trade child care with?

I *just* sent my kids to school, but before that I was trading off childcare with a friend. One Wednesday I'd send my kids to her house, the next Wednesday I'd take her kids. On the days that I had off, it was so nice to go out by myself. And on the days that I had 8 kids (my 4 plus my friend's 4), it wasn't really any more work because the kids all played together so nicely. You're probably not ready to leave the baby, but even getting away with just you and the baby would seem like a break.

[flapjack]

AnnetteMarie, this is going to make more work for someone in the long run, but it might help you. I get a lot of support through a barter network called LETS (Local Exchange Trading System)- ironing, cleaning, there is babysitting available. When you have time, you get some work done to get some credits back. It's fantastic, and it's saved my sanity. That way you don't have to worry about feeling "beholden" to someone. I don't think you should anyhow- after all, if it weren't for the work that you do then your husband couldn't serve his community or God the way he does- but I know asking is pretty difficult sometimes.

[Arwyn]

My mom had to lose a kidney through an entirely preventable accident before she really got that asking for help was a Good Thing, and not a sign of weakness or anything like that. I love the saying that the simplest prayer is nothing more than "Help." I believe God is in other people, and I can acknowledge that divine spark by asking for the tangible help from them that God cannot offer me directly.

[mommaof3boz]

I'm not at all sure how you do it. I have seen this in SO many pastors wives and children. Your dh is probably at his limit in all areas so even he doesn't feel your pain well.

Um only a huge hug to give you and if its not against your religion how about a glass of wine in the evening? I know that sounds silly but it really makes me relax and wind down so I also sleep better at night, even on less hours. And its nice to take the edge off during the 4-7pm "angry hours". My kids were always the worst during that busy time of day. I'm not suggesting a bottle a night or anything but 4 oz won't hurt and its good for the cholesterol. If its against your religion please don't take offense to the suggestion.

[annettemarie]

He's a Lutheran. In seminary, beer was like currency.

[sunnmama]

Are you in a homeschool group? I only have 2 (7 yo and 14 mo), but homeschool group can save me from insanity some days. Dd runs off to play with her friends, and I don't hear from her for a couple hours (although she is always in sight). I chat with the other parents while chasing after my toddler, lol. Sometimes there are even young teens that show up and enjoy watching my toddler, and that is awesome!

When we are having a super long day, I sometimes send dd to take a shower. She will chill out a little bit (she is also going through some really tough stuff, developmentally and behaviorally), and it just gets her out of my space for a bit. She also watches tv while I get ds down for a nap (and generally during his entire short nap).

Somedays it seems that dd never. stops. talking. Those days, it helps to put on a LONG book on tape. If something else is talking, she tends to quiet down a bit. So that helps on the days that my ears are in danger of bleeding. Music can also help in this way (I've done this in the car for years....when she is talking nonstop, I just "uh-huh..." while I search for a cd she knows, and as soon as I pop it in, she stops talking and starts singing).

When I am just tapped, sometimes I start cleaning. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but it makes me "unavailable" and encourages dd to find something else to do. Of course, she is welcome to join me in cleaning.....but she generally finds something better to do I may vacuum the same room for quite a while, with the baby in the sling, if it gives me a few moments to think my own thoughts

[want2bmoms]

I know someone will probably think I'm evil for this, but it's a trick I used in highschool and was the "parent" for my three younger sisters: alone time. Everyone goes in their rooms, those old enough keep the door closed, those too young, have the door open but the baby gate from the stairs keeping them in, and they entertain themselves for 30-45 minutes. Do whatever you want, but I HAVE to do my homework. Put toys down for the baby, and the older kids are big enough to color, write, or play house until you are ready to not lock yourself in the basement.
I also sometimes gave them each a share of a ream of printer paper, a box of crayolas, and for the older one, a few different colored pens from my backpack. I told them to write a suprize book that no one could see until it was finished (in other words, don't call me to help you, you can do it, if you call me I might see your book and then it won't be a suprize --OH NO!!!--)! When time was up, we would staple the pages together and give them to mom/daddy!
I also would (rarely) send them to put swimsuits or just undies on, pop all the knobs off the stove, lock the oven and fridge, call them in the kitchen, give them a towel to sit on, a bowl with about two cups of water and five to ten drops of food coloring - red in a red bowl, blue in a blue bowl, etc, or any color in a black bowl (think very light, but will show on white), a few white crayons - the cheap kind, one thick baby paint brush each, and a thick stack of paper to share. I told them if they colored on the white paper, and then "painted the water on", something special would happen. Baby gate them into the kitchen, and write my essays. For a special effect, I was let them see me pull the bowl out of the cubbard and put the clear tap water into the bowl which I had prepared ahead of time with the food coloring. This I didn't time limit, sometimes they would play with it for over an hour. When they were all done, we used the towels together to dry up the floor. One rule, if you stand up, you don't get to play anymore, it's alone time in your room.
I can't think of any of my other sanity savers. Sorry.