or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Room sharing for a brother and a sister
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Room sharing for a brother and a sister - Page 2

post #21 of 45
In all the families I know who have 2 bedrooms and mixed genders, the parents all sleep in the living room. Even if you aren't willing to do that, maybe just tell the concerned grandparents and others that you'll be switching to that rooming situation when the sibling room-sharing becomes a problem...and then just tell them it hasn't become a problem yet if they ask later.
post #22 of 45
In some states, it may be a legal concern as well. Some states have laws against same sex siblings past a certain age sharing a bedroom. Just one more thing to think of, especially if relatives are already causing a fuss.
post #23 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
LMAO! My husband just read this and said...

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Don't they know how hard it's going to be to resell a two bedroom home?"


(he misses the point a lot)
OMG! That could be my husband! Maybe I'll show him the post and see what he says.
post #24 of 45
Also, I may have missed this, but what do your kids think of it? If they don't have a problem with it, and if you feel you have an open enough relationship that they'll let you know if it becomes a problem and they know you're willing to work with them, I don't get what the big deal would be.
post #25 of 45
i shared a room off and on with my younger brothers until i was 15. finally i threw a fit one night and my parents turned our dining room into a bedroom for one of my brothers. why did i throw a fit? cause i wanted some private space for me and my boyfriend. i didn't say that at the time, but that was why. sharing a room with my little brother probably saved me from getting pregnant as a teenager. but, aside from that, my brother and i were/are close and i would totally put my dd into a room with her brother(if we had one). i also shared a bed with him when we went on vacation to my g-parents house until i was about 8. not a big deal. but, we were ap'd and b/f for a long time and so it wasn't a big deal to be so physically close.
post #26 of 45
We live in a 3br townhouse with 2 brs upstairs and one downstairs. I put my dd (9) and ds (7) in the same room together so the little ones (2dds) could be upstairs with me and I could get to them easily if they woke in the middle of the night and also because the older two have more in common than my older dd and my 3 yr old. My kids are fine with it. Their main issues are things like one likes things clean and the other doesn't care if there is garbage everywhere, modesty issues are dealt with by changing in the bathroom or the closet. It just makes more sense for the house we live in right now for us to have this living situation.

When we move in the next month or so, we will be splitting them, but that is only because I want them each to be responsible for their own space and help keep the bedrooms clean. (Right now, they like to go upstairs and trash their baby sisters' room and then leave it that way, and that is not cool with me.) DS will still be sharing space with a sister though (my 4yr old w/ sn) because I don't think it is fair for him to get his own space JUST because he is a boy.
post #27 of 45
Thread Starter 

op-er here

while househunting i certainly posed the question to the children: "if we moved into the cohousing community you two would HAVE to share a room again...how do you feel about that?"

ds: fine. whatever.

dd: just as long as i dont have to clean up after him

In other words, typical of any siblings sharing a room. however within this pedestrian friendly community of 36 homes there are 30 children between the ages of 7-10. So my children, like myself, are able to see the forest for the trees.
post #28 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
Also, I may have missed this, but what do your kids think of it? If they don't have a problem with it, and if you feel you have an open enough relationship that they'll let you know if it becomes a problem and they know you're willing to work with them, I don't get what the big deal would be.
I wrote a minute ago about my kids reactions...they are fine with it, and yes we are a really open, loving, and comfortable family.

I am comfortable discussing my children's current and developing sexuality with openess and honesty with them, and i am rewarded by knowing my children are comfortable coming to me to talk about their concerns with private/sensitive matters.

also, everything I have found regarding gender/room sharing and THE LAW is only applicable for foster homes and government housing. In some cases landlords can put requirements.
post #29 of 45
I would check with your state laws because my sister inquired and was told that in our state children of the opposite sex can't share a room after age 5.
post #30 of 45
I think it would be fine for a 7 and 9 year old. If you're planning to stay there long-term, though, I really don't think a 15 year old girl will happily share a room with her thirteen year old brother, and vice versa. You mentioned building a loft, which sounds like a good plan - by the time they do need separate spaces, you could have that built for them.

Dar
post #31 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddhamom View Post
I would check with your state laws because my sister inquired and was told that in our state children of the opposite sex can't share a room after age 5.
I was an elected official in our town a few years back. It was proposed to pass a building maintenance ordinance, and this governed such things as building/home maintenance and got so specific as to state how many square feet were required per child for sleeping space, and there was mention of only same-sex children sharing rooms after a certain age - I don't have the documents anymore, but it would be worth it to check into whether you are violating any zoning laws or ordinances.

I obviously was against this and it was not passed. However, I personally get flack from the parents because my boys have to share a room
post #32 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by wedgered2 View Post
I am comfortable discussing my children's current and developing sexuality with openess and honesty with them, and i am rewarded by knowing my children are comfortable coming to me to talk about their concerns with private/sensitive matters.
I guess the question to me is what you will be in a position to do if they do come to you with concerns about this 5 years down the road? Will you be stuck, or will there be other options?
post #33 of 45
Quote:
we were ap'd and b/f for a long time and so it wasn't a big deal to be so physically close.
I think this is important to think about. I come from a family where it's the exact opposite, so if I were expected to share a room during my teen years, with my brother, I wouldn't have been too pleased. But I think that if children grow up in a close family, it's not a big deal at all.

My parents were the ones who made big deals out of nothing -- my brother sitting on my lap; us having a bath together, us sharing a bed while on vacation. It made me feel dirty and wrong -- doing something so innocent. My parents were weird.

So I guess what I'm saying is go for it if your children are comfortable with it.
post #34 of 45
I say do what you have to in order to become part of the co-housing community.
You can certainly get creative-if the need arises- later on down the line....
enjoy your community-that is wonderful for all of you...
much peace-
post #35 of 45
Ya know, going back 50-100 years and sharing a room, heck sharing a bed between siblings even *gasp* opposite gender siblings was just what was done. My dad shared a double bed with his sister, who was 10 years his elder in a farming family with five kids.

It is only because of our sex-paranoid, consumer driven society that this sort of thing is seen by some as unacceptable. There is nothing wrong with siblings sharing space. Those who did in previous generations did not grow up any worse for it, and in an environment as you describe, it seems room sharing would fit right in to the overall community style.

I don't really have any comebacks for you but I really wanted to wish you all well on your new adventure, it sounds great!

Take care,
Tara
post #36 of 45
Thread Starter 
I guess that some of you hit on my sentiments...in the not-so-distant past this type of situation was accepted as the norm...and even luxurious considering they will have their own space/beds.

also it is very geo-cultural...in china, nyc, africa, etc how many families/siblings/extended families are sharing space?

when it comes down to it, i agree that so much of the negativity surrounding it is the result of our consumer-driven, sex-obsessed yet puritanical world we live in. In fact that one poster gets flack for same gender siblings room sharing is very telling about the world in which we live.

well, i reject that! I reject the idea that Pottery Barn has the right to tell me my kids need their own rooms and personalized furniture! I reject the notion that privacy and individuality are synonymous! I reject that personal space can only be defined through permanent walls and doors! I reject the 3000 sqft home and the 1.5 kids! i reject that "this is the way its done now (or here)"! I will not run my household based on some screwball theory that my kids will be "confused" or traumatized sexually because they share a room. (especially when there is nothing to back it up).

in regards to the poster who asked if we would be "stuck" in 5 years...the concept of being "stuck" is something i don't believe in. there are few situations that are impossible to undo in some sense..failure is always possible, but i dont act out of fear of failure.

i continue to be surprised at the number of people out there who find the mixed gender room sharing a bad idea or unacceptable solution...especially on this board!

i will point our again that i was looking for support, not advice. i know that this is great for my family and our future. we are clever people and i will be sure to post pictures of their bedroom when we are all done with it!

Lastly, I would love to see some sort of statute from ANY state, county, city, etc. that requires natural siblings of mixed gender to sleep in their own bedrooms...I really dont think it exists in the public sector. I think it is an urban legend. anyone want to take me up on that challenge? I've searched and come up empty handed..but maybe i missed something.
post #37 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddhamom View Post
I would check with your state laws because my sister inquired and was told that in our state children of the opposite sex can't share a room after age 5.
Are you sure these laws aren't tenant laws or laws applying to foster care? The only gender related room sharing laws I'm aware of apply to foster care and renting.
post #38 of 45
Well, I sort of shared a room with my brother starting when I was 9 and he was 5, for a couple of years at least. Our youngest brother had just been born but was sleeping with our parents, and there was a new set of bunk beds in the boys' room to eventually accomodate the baby. So I was allowed to sleep in the top bunk in that room. I still had my own bedroom with my clothes and my own stuff, but I chose to sleep in his room for ages. I guess it's not quite the same thing as not having that extra room to go back to, but it was fine for us and we were quite comfortable around each other.

Actually, it might even have helped our relationship as adults. I still feel pretty comfortable around him, even though he's my polar opposite. I feel closer to him than to the youngest, who I have tons of stuff in common with.
post #39 of 45
My grandmother lived with her mother, father, and 16 siblings in a 2 bedroom house. I doubt they were separated by gender. They all turned out fine and the ones that are still living are very close now. Modern society has turned the family into something that resembles a government institution. You are free to raise your children however you see fit. People are misguided in thinking that they must do something because mainstream America does it. If you want your family to be open, honest, close, caring, bonded, attached, etc. you have at it. That's the way it should be. And I just read your last post! You go girl! If I was religious I'd say AMEN! LOL! You were looking for support and you've got mine.
post #40 of 45
OK, I found something similar to what I had reviewed while on borough council. This document mentions nothing about gender but references the minimum amount of square feet required for sleeping space here: (articles BB and CC)
http://www.ci.decatur.il.us/citygove...ode/CODE70.pdf

This is the type of maintenance code our town had once considered passing (it would have been a NIGHTMARE to enforce anyhow) and it was going to govern both rentals and owner-occupied dwellings. I don't think many municipalities get this picky thank goodness!

Good luck with your move - it sounds awesome!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › Room sharing for a brother and a sister