Legal Responsiblity? - DD's Friends have sex in my house - Page 7

[the_lissa]

I don't get what your post has to do with what I said.

[Marcee]

Just because a child feels that they cant come to their parent, does not mean that they should not. Sure the parents may be dissapointed by their childs choice but they will more than likely adapt and work with the situation. A broken rule does not equal banishment even if some kids assume that it will. But parents need to be given the option to parent thier own children.

[the_lissa]

Parents foster the kind of relationship they have with their children and if their children are open with them, regardless if they don't believe in premarital sex. I have friends who had premarital sex, and were open about it with their parents even though they disapproved.

[Cherie2]

case in point my teenagers know that I dont approve of them haveing sex at such a young age, but have never made an attempt to hide it from me.

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

Parents foster the kind of relationship they have with their children and if their children are open with them, regardless if they don't believe in premarital sex. I have friends who had premarital sex, and were open about it with their parents even though they disapproved.

I agree with this.

I also had friends who engaged in premarital sex and discussed it with their disapproving parents.

I have an open relationship with my daughter. Before my daughter started having sex she came and we talked. Granted I am not opposed to consensual teen sex, but I still had to work as a parent to foster a relationship where my daughter felt comfortable coming to me.

I have told both sets of kids they should consider talking to their parents, but I am not pressing the issue. It is their sex life and their choice whether or not to discuss it with their parents.

[the_lissa]

I would encourage the kids to talk to their parents, but if they don't, that is their decision, and I am sure they have their reasons.

[saimeiyu]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

I would encourage the kids to talk to their parents, but if they don't, that is their decision, and I am sure they have their reasons.

See, here's the thing, though... Most kids with strict parents who "preach" abstinence don't even CONSIDER talking to their parents about having sex. They just automatically assume it will get them beaten, grounded, kicked out, etc. They don't actually think about it rationally.

The truth is, if I had decided to be sexually active as a teenager, I would NOT have told my parents; They're very devout Catholics and were 100% disapproving of having sex before marriage. I thought that they'd kill me or do something horrible, but... they wouldn't have.

It's largely an irrational fear on the part of most secretive teens.

I found out years after I moved out that my parents would have been disappointed, and would have told me so, but my mom would have taught me NFP (sooner than she did), and did everything in her power to ensure that I knew everything I needed to know to be able to have a respectful and fulfilling relationship. And while my mom did teach me about some stuff regarding sex/having sex, etc, I learned a lot more from her later, when I got engaged.
I didn't have to be afraid as a teenager, but I THOUGHT I did. I would wager to say the same is true of most "preachy" parents.

If I was inclined to go have sex any way I could as a teen, I hope someone would have been smart enough to tell my mom for me. I wouldn't have been smart enough.

So I guess I would say, I think you should reconsider talking with the parents about what's going on, but I'd talk to the teenagers first.

[the_lissa]

Even if that were the case, which has not been my experience (my friends with good relationships with their parents told them they were having sex even if they didn't approve), I will not tell the parents. I believe teenagers are entitled to their privacy.

[Marcee]

Originally Posted by saimeiyu

See, here's the thing, though... Most kids with strict parents who "preach" abstinence don't even CONSIDER talking to their parents about having sex. They just automatically assume it will get them beaten, grounded, kicked out, etc. They don't actually think about it rationally.

The truth is, if I had decided to be sexually active as a teenager, I would NOT have told my parents; They're very devout Catholics and were 100% disapproving of having sex before marriage. I thought that they'd kill me or do something horrible, but... they wouldn't have.

It's largely an irrational fear on the part of most secretive teens.

I found out years after I moved out that my parents would have been disappointed, and would have told me so, but my mom would have taught me NFP (sooner than she did), and did everything in her power to ensure that I knew everything I needed to know to be able to have a respectful and fulfilling relationship. And while my mom did teach me about some stuff regarding sex/having sex, etc, I learned a lot more from her later, when I got engaged.
I didn't have to be afraid as a teenager, but I THOUGHT I did. I would wager to say the same is true of most "preachy" parents.

If I was inclined to go have sex any way I could as a teen, I hope someone would have been smart enough to tell my mom for me. I wouldn't have been smart enough.

So I guess I would say, I think you should reconsider talking with the parents about what's going on, but I'd talk to the teenagers first.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by ArielMomma

I hear ya! My daughter has told me the names of THREE girls who said they were holding on to their virginity by having anal sex!!! I was like, "WHAT?! HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!" She told me the girls were talking during lunch in the cafeteria about how they managed to, "Have the fun, but hold on to whats important." I think if someone were talking about that during lunch it would probably ruin my appetite.

Oral sex is much more rampant. I won't get into those stories, but some of them are absolutely crazy.

i haven't read the whole thread, and i don't have a teen myself. but i will say that the fact that teens are (apparently) rampantly having anal sex in an attempt to preserve "what's important" tells me we HAVE to stop emphasizing virginity and start empowering teens to make real decisions.

choosing virginity because the culture has been shouting that word at you from the time you could talk--well, that's no choice at all. especially when it comes at a cost like this. having anal sex to preserve your virginity is missing the forest for the trees, to say the least

not that i think there's anything wrong with anal sex. i actually don't. but we have to stop fetishizing this ridiculous virginity/purity concept.

and i can't believe people really believe the OP should rat out these kids for having sex. i had a boyfriend as a teen, and his mom wanted to rat me out to my dad for having sex...the only way she said she'd keep the secret was if i went on the pill. so i had to go on the pill, which i didn't want to be on (we were being safe with condoms, TYVM), just to shut her up.

everyone, even a teen, should get to decide for themselves whether to take BC or not--just like they should get to decide whether to have sex in the first place. teens are people. i hated being treated like that, like i was being "irresponsible" just for being a sexual person when i was 17 years old.

i'm rambling, but anyway, i agree the OP can set house rules and all that, but there is no reason to rat out these kids. i can't imagine telling on someone for having sex, like sex is something horrible

[readytobedone]

i'm also confused as to why every third post seems to be about these kids being at major risk of disease, and their parents needing to know it. they're using condoms, they're having sex.

i'm using condoms, i'm having sex. would someone like to call my mom and tell her i'm at risk of contracting an STI? because i actually am (everyone who is having sex is at some potential risk of STI, because partner could always be cheating).

but somehow, because i'm a 28 year old mama, no one is concerned about my perilous risk of disease. but these kids, it seems no one trusts them. why?

i managed to have sex from age 15 until now, with over 10 partners, and never get an STI once, or ever have an unplanned pregnancy. it's not impossible.

[Peppermint Leaf]

Originally Posted by kimiij

I agree- would you want someone interferring with the raising and disciplining of your children? Whether or not it is OK to have sex should be up to the parents- not you.

____________________________

[choli]

Originally Posted by readytobedone

i'm also confused as to why every third post seems to be about these kids being at major risk of disease, and their parents needing to know it. they're using condoms, they're having sex.

i'm using condoms, i'm having sex. would someone like to call my mom and tell her i'm at risk of contracting an STI? because i actually am (everyone who is having sex is at some potential risk of STI, because partner could always be cheating).

but somehow, because i'm a 28 year old mama, no one is concerned about my perilous risk of disease. but these kids, it seems no one trusts them. why?

i managed to have sex from age 15 until now, with over 10 partners, and never get an STI once, or ever have an unplanned pregnancy. it's not impossible.

My guess is that is is about control and denying that kids grow up - after all, MY little baby would never grow up and have sex, that would make me feel less of a MOTHER!! If I can stop her from doing that, I am still the all powerful MAMA!! Funny how we never see posts about OMG my son is having sex, how awful, he is "acting out" etc. I really hate this crap.

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by readytobedone

i'm also confused as to why every third post seems to be about these kids being at major risk of disease, and their parents needing to know it. they're using condoms, they're having sex.

i'm using condoms, i'm having sex. would someone like to call my mom and tell her i'm at risk of contracting an STI? because i actually am (everyone who is having sex is at some potential risk of STI, because partner could always be cheating).

but somehow, because i'm a 28 year old mama, no one is concerned about my perilous risk of disease. but these kids, it seems no one trusts them. why?

i managed to have sex from age 15 until now, with over 10 partners, and never get an STI once, or ever have an unplanned pregnancy. it's not impossible.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by choli

My guess is that is is about control and denying that kids grow up - after all, MY little baby would never grow up and have sex, that would make me feel less of a MOTHER!! If I can stop her from doing that, I am still the all powerful MAMA!! Funny how we never see posts about OMG my son is having sex, how awful, he is "acting out" etc. I really hate this crap.

For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future. They can give you the expected answers, but most of them really don't understand. This is what makes me see them as children still. And as children they still need guidance from their parents to help keep them safe.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future.

okay, i just find this so insulting. i refuse to believe that some MRIs or whatever can prove that no teen anywhere can make up their own mind about what to do with their genitals.

i chose to start having sex at 15. he was 16. we were in a relationship for 2 years before that. i have never, ever regretted that decision. ever. i don't think i was too young. i wasn't coerced. i wasn't pressured. i learned a lot about myself and really feel that that relationship contributed to my overall maturity a lot. we stayed together for 2 more years. and we used condoms every time. because i truly understood i did not want to get pregnant or get a disease (which i wouldn't have because we were mongamous, but i digress....), and i truly understood how to prevent that.

i'm not saying every 15 year old is ready for sex, but i was. we were. and i highly highly resent the implication that because of my brain development, that can't have been true :

there are lots of teenagers who can think and make good decisions...if you let them.

[Peppermint Leaf]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future. They can give you the expected answers, but most of them really don't understand. This is what makes me see them as children still. And as children they still need guidance from their parents to help keep them safe.

+________________________________

I agree.

[helen_emily]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future.

Sure, SOME people don't have those reasoning skills when they're teenagers. Quite a few "adults" I know, all ages, don't really have them either! They get stuck in horrible relationships, they max out their credit card and can't pay it off, they still have sex that they don't really feel like, just to be accepted, keep the peace, be close to someone.

Out of the 15 and 16 year olds I know personally that are having sex, almost all of them are doing it safely and most of them also for the "right" reasons. Obviously I'm just lucky but I do think it has quite a lot to do with the more "permissive" parenting they're received - nearly all of them talk fairly openly to their parents about any worries or questions they have.

To be honest, I would say they are far less messed-up about sex than my group of friends is now!

Originally Posted by readytobedone

and i highly highly resent the implication that because of my brain development, that can't have been true :

Thankyou! My story was the same as yours except that I was 16.5 at the time. I researched everything regarding contraceptives and STDs and pregnancy and was able to advise my friends when the time came for them.

I'm happy that the OP's daughter obviously has a mum who can be a source of guidance for her, too.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future.

Originally Posted by readytobedone

okay, i just find this so insulting. i refuse to believe that some MRIs or whatever can prove that no teen anywhere can make up their own mind about what to do with their genitals.

I'm on the fence between both of these points of view. I can see both of your points.

I think having teenagers still in our home is a blessing. This is a time for them to make choices and decisions that may effect the rest of their lives, while still in a semi protective shell of our homes. It's like living adult-lite. It's a time in our life where teens can make mistakes, and still have us there to figure out where they went wrong, or didn't make the best choices. But sex as a teen, isn't always a mistake.

We should be teaching them skills while they grow, having conversations about drugs and sex before they know what were talking about. Asking them what they think, asking them what choices they think are right for them, then talking some more about the consequences of those choices. Last night my dd (7yo) asked me a question that led to us having a conversation about sex. The first one where more details were revealed, we didn't talk about body parts, but being naked came up.

I firmly believe that once our teens are making the choice to have sex, that's their choice, and their business. If they want to talk to us (the parents) about it, then they should come to us. Or the parents should still be bringing it up in conversation, and valuing their teens choice about what to do with their own body.

The fact that somewhere in this thread grounding the teens got brought up (forgive me for not knowing where, I've actually read the whole thread, and I'm not going back to search for it) totally screwed with my head. I thought about that for days. Why would you ground a teen for making a choice. Is it because we as the adults think we know what is right and wrong? That we don't believe that our teens can make these choices for their bodies? If that is true then we should talk to them more. Give them more confidence that they CAN talk to us without us freaking out on them. Give them a safe place to talk. Without judgement. Without telling them they did something wrong. Without punishment.

If our teens don't feel comfortable talking to us about having sex then we have to look at our parenting. We can't blame somebody else who finds out, and doesn't tell us. This is a conversation between teens and parents.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future. They can give you the expected answers, but most of them really don't understand.

Seriously? The high school kids I know are working night and day to get into good colleges. You don't think they understand that what they do affects their futures?