Legal Responsiblity? - DD's Friends have sex in my house - Page 3

[MamaLisa1]

well, that's how my friend's sister picked up "crabs" at college. Plus, there's the whole factor of their naked butts being on her sheets, and pubic hair, plus body fluids can still slide out of the girl. I would not want anyone having sex in my bed for sure!

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by MamaLisa1

well, that's how my friend's sister picked up "crabs" at college. Plus, there's the whole factor of their naked butts being on her sheets, and pubic hair, plus body fluids can still slide out of the girl. I would not want anyone having sex in my bed for sure!

LOL, We see that, but I don't think teens do. (otherwise, why would they do things like this?)

Some of the stories my daughter tells me are pretty shocking. There is this clique of six junior/senior kids at her school. My daughter said is very widely known that all six kids engage in sex with each other. My daughter is loosely friends with one of the junior girls in that group. Luckily my daughter DOES think that is yucky.

There is a definite "ick" factor. I have decided that I am going to wash all the sheets and couch cushions(just in case) when I get home tonight.

[MamaLisa1]

kids are doing all kinds of things that would have been surprising when we were teens. For example, my daughter's one friend and her boyfriend didn't want to have vaginal sex so they could both remain virgins, so they have been having anal sex instead. I was SHOCKED. I mean, this to me is even MORE personal than having vaginal intercourse, and while pregnancy cannot occur this way, I don't see how they can discount it as not being sex. Apparently, here in the bible belt...this practice is happening more than I realized, so the kids can still technically maintain their virginity. Personally, I think I'd actually rather have my daughter do it the regular way (not at all would be better) but I am just really not a fan of the whole anal thing. I think it's dirty, painful (tried twice without success...thankfully) and you can injure yourself since that is an exit and not an entrance!

[the_lissa]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I think you are doing the right thing by NOT telling the parents. My father used to punch me in the face, for much smaller things than this.

People who think that all parents need to know everything are very niave about how some people treat their teens. Having lied more than once about where I got a black eye, I would never tell another parent something like this.

Exactly. No way in hell would I tell. I would tell them where they can cheap or low cost contraceptives and talk to them about safer sex.

[moondiapers]

I'm having a hard time understanding the logic in some post. A CHILD is doing something that may be harmful to him/her, BUT we're not telling the parents just on the off chance that the parent MAY be abusive? I hope you're willing to take responsibility if a pregnancy or std occurs.

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by MamaLisa1

kids are doing all kinds of things that would have been surprising when we were teens. For example, my daughter's one friend and her boyfriend didn't want to have vaginal sex so they could both remain virgins, so they have been having anal sex instead.

I hear ya! My daughter has told me the names of THREE girls who said they were holding on to their virginity by having anal sex!!! I was like, "WHAT?! HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!" She told me the girls were talking during lunch in the cafeteria about how they managed to, "Have the fun, but hold on to whats important." I think if someone were talking about that during lunch it would probably ruin my appetite.

Oral sex is much more rampant. I won't get into those stories, but some of them are absolutely crazy.

[sacredjourney]

I would approach the kids who are having sex, and tell them you don't want they doing that in your house. I think the fact that they are sexually active is their choice, and you shouldn't tell their parents, but since your daughter has kind of invited this situation in, I think you can put an end to it by meeting with them, and letting them know what yuo think. Also you could throw in some contraception advice, because they will continue to have sex with or without your daughter's room, and if their parents are strict, chances are they may not talk abut sex with them.

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

I'm having a hard time understanding the logic in some post. A CHILD is doing something that may be harmful to him/her, BUT we're not telling the parents just on the off chance that the parent MAY be abusive? I hope you're willing to take responsibility if a pregnancy or std occurs.

THIS IS JUST A PERSONAL OPINION, I consider them adolescents, but I don't consider them children. I am almost certain the parents in this situation are not abusive, but I know they are very strict. I don't want to be responsible for my daughter's friends losing their social lives and the possible break-up of their relationship. That is my reason for not telling their parents.

My daughter has told me they are using condoms right now, but when the girl turns 16 they plan on getting birth control.

I feel pretty comfortable with the situation now that the rules have changed and I know it won't be happening in my house.

[MamaLisa1]

for the mama who got punched in the face, and for any of you who got hit or abused as kids....I am so, so sorry. I just wanted to say that. I was lucky as a kid, (I had a rough childhood in a different way) but I knew many kids who weren't so lucky, and I always wanted to make things better for them somehow. My daughter's boyfriend's dad...well, I don't think he has ever punched him, but he has kicked him and beaten him with his belt a LOT. The kid definitely has self esteem issues as a result, and I feel really bad for him. Even though he isn't necessarily my pick for her, I try to be as welcoming and sweet to him as possible, because I feel he needs it. My DH didn't even want him around for a while there, but he's back to coming around and having dinner here. He told me once he loves coming here...I think he enjoys seeing a big, loving family interacting.

Anyway....

[LifeIZBeautiful]

I may have missed this, but, did you say anything to the 2 teens when you saw them come out of DD's room? I would just tell them dd is not allowed to have unsupervised friends over while alone at home. And, mention that you come home often to make sure your dd is okay.

While I understand you are protecting their privacy or any *potential* abuse from their families, I also feel you may be inadvertantly allowing potential disease to those kids *and* your dd. I don't see anything wrong with letting at least one of the parents know that you have the above rule. You don't have to explain any details, just that you had noticed their child there while you were not home.

[PoppyMama]

I don't see how not telling the parents is going to cause these people to get a disease or pregnant. Telling the parents won't prevent them from having sex if that is what they are choosing to do and apparently they are using condoms...so good. I agree that you can't knowingly let them have sex in your house if their parents are against it but there is no reason to tell the parents. It sounds like you have taken care of the situation to the best of your ability.

[fhqwhgads]

Originally Posted by LifeIZBeautiful

I may have missed this, but, did you say anything to the 2 teens when you saw them come out of DD's room? I would just tell them dd is not allowed to have unsupervised friends over while alone at home. And, mention that you come home often to make sure your dd is okay.

While I understand you are protecting their privacy or any *potential* abuse from their families, I also feel you may be inadvertantly allowing potential disease to those kids *and* your dd. I don't see anything wrong with letting at least one of the parents know that you have the above rule. You don't have to explain any details, just that you had noticed their child there while you were not home.

It's doing these teenagers a lot of disservice to continually suggest they are not using protection. The OP has stated they use condoms and will be on BC as well when the girl turns 16. They sound more sexually responsible than a lot of adults I know.

She has put a stop to them doing it in her bedroom, so by not telling the parents about their childrens sex lives, I don't see how that can spread disease to her own DD.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by ArielMomma

THIS IS JUST A PERSONAL OPINION, I consider them adolescents, but I don't consider them children. I am almost certain the parents in this situation are not abusive, but I know they are very strict. I don't want to be responsible for my daughter's friends losing their social lives and the possible break-up of their relationship. That is my reason for not telling their parents.

My daughter has told me they are using condoms right now, but when the girl turns 16 they plan on getting birth control.

I feel pretty comfortable with the situation now that the rules have changed and I know it won't be happening in my house.

I understand how you feel....but I guess I feel it's not a decision that you have a right to make. KWIM? Condoms break, and they aren't effective against some STDs. Have these kids been tested? These are things I would want to know if I found out my kids were having sex. And I PROBABLY wouldn't approve of them having sex that young either. I wouldn't punish them....but they wouldn't be alone together anymore either. They'd have to hang out together at my house, with me home. I'm not totally against teen sex..... If my dd/ds is really mature for their age I might even feel ok with them having sex younger than I think right now.....but as their parents it's MY CALL. I guess that's what's bugging me about this. You're taking the choice away from their parents...and it's not necessarily your place to do this. Especially if you feel that their parent's aren't abusive. It's not up to you to question their rules or help their children get away with breaking them. It's really hard to get the tone right on a post like this. This is NOT an angry post, just a passionate one. I hope you take it in the context it's intended.

-Heather

[allgirls]

15/16 year old teens have sex. They have always had sex. This is not new...just in previous generations they got married at 15/16 to have the sex

If you have a child there is a good chance that child will have sex at that age.

There is no way to guarantee your child will not have sex before they are ready(and some are ready at 15/16..ie very responsible, and emotionally able to handle it)

The best you can do is constantly be aware of t his and constantly talk about the ramifications of this. You also need to make sure your children get lots of physical affection from the parents. I think a lot of time children have sex it's more about the need to be held than the sexual urge. This is true for adults as well I guess.

To the OP...I do not allow my 13 year old daughter to be anywhere that a parent isn't present and on the same page as me. If my gut tells me the parents aren't what they say they are then I have the kids here and I supervise.

I have learned from experience that 13+ year old kids need more supervision than younger children. I learned that when my 13 year old dd and her friends got drunk(and they were supervised that night..the parent was just so unsuspecting she didn't notice..someone saw them and called)

It's ok to tighten the rules when they are teens. It's ok to have allowed her to be unattended at home when she is younger but then when she proves herself no longer trustworthy to change that.

What if she bends the one person rule only to a boy. What if she's gay and the one friend is a girlfriend etc. etc. There are lots of things an unsupervised teen can get up to. drinking, smoking.

My daughter can only have one particular friend here while I am away. And I never leave them alone to go out of town. This is a long-term friend with a mother who is also careful with supervision. We spend a lot of time with them making sure they have good fun, that can't get them into serious trouble.

I am really starting to trust my daughter again. She's a good person who made a mistake.

She now has a boyfriend. He visited yesterday. Boyfriend's mom called to make sure they wouldnt' be alone and I was ok with him visiting. I assured her I was on the same page and that he would always be welcomed but they would never be alone.

These two kids have placed you in a very uncomfortable position. I would probably talk to them about this and take the opportunity to make sure they were being safe. I don't know if I would tell the parents. It would all depend on the kids and parents and if there was anything to be gained by doing so.

[PoppyMama]

I don't agree AT ALL that it is the parent's choice whether teens are "allowed" to have sex. It is their body and they appear to be taking responsibility for protecting themselves. We can watch our teens as closely as we wish but we will never be able to prevent them from having sex if that is what they have chosen to do with their bodies.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

I don't agree AT ALL that it is the parent's choice whether teens are "allowed" to have sex. It is their body and they appear to be taking responsibility for protecting themselves. We can watch our teens as closely as we wish but we will never be able to prevent them from having sex if that is what they have chosen to do with their bodies.

What if I had a simlar belief about drinking or drugs? It's ok to have your belief, and parent your kids accordingly.....but it's not ok to impose this belief on someone else.

[PoppyMama]

How is not telling the other parent's imposing beliefs on anyone. If they believed that strongly then I guess they should have had a better "handle" on their kids. I would not feel at all obligated to tell the parents.

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

I understand how you feel....but I guess I feel it's not a decision that you have a right to make.

If I felt they were in danger then I would tell their parents. If they broke my new rules then I would tell their parents. However, they are practicing safe sex and obeying my new rules. These kids have good relationships with their parents. I think if the parents were open to sexual activity then they would already know because the kids would have told them.

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

but they wouldn't be alone together anymore either. They'd have to hang out together at my house, with me home. I'm not totally against teen sex..... If my dd/ds is really mature for their age I might even feel ok with them having sex younger than I think right now.....but as their parents it's MY CALL. I guess that's what's bugging me about this. You're taking the choice away from their parents...

-Heather

I guess I see what you are saying. The thing is these are very STRICT parents alread and the kids still found a way to have sex. If you tell these very strict parents what more parenting is there to do?

Do you think they could actually stop them? Do you think you could stop your very determined and in-love teenager from having sex particularly if they had already started? When and if someone feels ready for sex and makes that choice is not up to the parent. All you can do is guide them, keep them from being in positions of vulnerability so that they don't impulsively do something they will regret and hope that when they make that choice it's because they have thought it through and are ready.

If they are already having sex there isn't a lot you can do. Limiting opportunity will only limit opportunity..it will not wipe out the desire or determination to do it.(and I think it might make it stronger)

I pretty much can guarantee you that you can't. You could make sure they only meet at your house, supervise, not allow until the cows come home and they will find a way.

My friend who had super strict, religious, not ever allowed to be alone together type parents had sex in the church her parents attended. During youth group, while doing clean up from an activity and the rest of the youth group were busy doing other things.

I think the parents haven't lost the choice to parent at all. They are parenting how they parent and the kids found a way around it. They may not believe it anyway...the kids will deny, say they were just kissing, that your daughter is lying, that they didn't do it etc. etc. especially if punishment is part of it.

Good luck OP

[JenBuckyfan]

Maybe the other parents aren't being given enough credit? Since your daughter is friends with the young lady, maybe she can suggest that she talk to her mom about what's going on? Maybe you can help mediate the conversation if it occurs. It can be important for a teen to have someone else the same-sex to talk to about these types of things.

What if the parents were disappointed but could see that their kid is going to continue this regardless of what additional rules they put on him/her and are respectful that s/he decided to tell them. The parents' insurance probably covers birth control and at least they could start to have a dialogue about it. It seems more important to me to not stop them having sex, but if the parents are good people and have good relationships with their kids, this is something those families should work through together. It would seem like a much greater heartache for the parents to end up with a kid pregnant and have no clue what was happening in a closet here or a friend's room there versus helping them protect themselves.