Legal Responsiblity? - DD's Friends have sex in my house - Page 5

[the_lissa]

Originally Posted by JenBuckyfan

I guess I just want sex to be seen as a special bond connecting two people and not seen as just a casual affair, which it seems like it has so very much become in our society. I

Yes and that is fine for you, but not everyone has the same values.

[JenBuckyfan]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

Yes and that is fine for you, but not everyone has the same values.

I know... I just think that there may be others out there who might be like me and typically don't post their opinions because many of these forums really don't seem all that friendly to those with a view that seems like a minority on a particular topic. Today, I thought I'd post though I've now contributed to this going off the OP's original question (sorry OP!).

[the_lissa]

That's fine. I doubt you are in the minority, however, especially given the majority of responses.

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by the_lissa

Yes and that is fine for you, but not everyone has the same values.

exactly..and I have extremely high morals/values...but sex doesn't equal bad for me inside or outside of a relationship.

I guess I have never really had "casual" sex. There really wasn't casual anything about it. I was responsible, prepared and completely open to the encounter. I am particularly remembering one encounter that was incredibly fulfilling and really really good with a "friend" that I met up with after not seeing him for years, we suddenly realised there was a physical attraction and it was amazing, only once and very important, special and enjoyable.

Committed relationship sex is kind of an ideal for me but not the only way to have great and responsible sex.

I think teens can be incredibly responsible. With the right environment, with the right support, with the right information they can make good, careful, responsible decisions.

If the stigma attached to sex wasn't there then there wouldn't be the emotional trauma attached to it when teen sex relationships are just sexual relationships and nothing more.

I mean adults can have sex with the wrong person..that's a common mistake in any age group. Why do we expect better/perfect behaviour from our teens than from our adults.

I do not want my daugher's self esteem to be wrapped up in the opinions of others which is what the "reputation" thing is all about.

Also...I really like having sex within a love relationship but I can guarantee that if I weren't in a love relationship I'd still be having some sex somewhere.

Irishmommy..he's an only child..he might have cousins

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by JenBuckyfan

I know... I just think that there may be others out there who might be like me and typically don't post their opinions because many of these forums really don't seem all that friendly to those with a view that seems like a minority on a particular topic. Today, I thought I'd post though I've now contributed to this going off the OP's original question (sorry OP!).

I actually think your opinion is likely the majority opinion.

[sdm1024]

I'll be honest and say that I don't know if you have a legal responsibility, but in today's legal culture who knows!!

I don't know if I'd call the other kids (meaning both the boy and the girl!) to tell their parents that they are having sex in your house. But, it is your house, and IMO calling and letting the parents know that they've been hanging around your house when you're not there isn't cool, and that you have a no guest policy for your daughter is a great idea.

I empathize that you feel that you're in a sticky situation. I wouldn't like my daughter friends having sex in my house

[lovingmommyhood]

Originally Posted by ArielMomma

I honestly don't want to get them in trouble. It would make life difficult on them because their parents are VERY strict.

I just don't know that it's your call. Just because their parents are strict doesn't mean they are wrong and you should help their children break the rules. KWIM??

Also, I'm sorry if this has been said I only made it to page two and my kids are chomping at the bit to go outside, but, are you sure it's not your daughter who's having sex in her room while you're gone? I know a lot of my friends used to tell their parents "no, it wasn't me having sex it was jenny" or "it's not my birth control, I'm holding it for a friend". I had a great relationship with my parents but I still lied to them on occasion. Something to think about if you're considering talking to the other kids' parents. Sit down with DD and let her know you're going to talk to their parents and make sure it's actually them using your home as a hotel.

[MamaLisa1]

Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants

This was common when I was in high school nearly 20 years ago; must depend on where you live.

well, I'm out of school almost 25 years, and the kids I knew really didn't even do much in the way or oral sex back then, much less anal...that was like totally forbidden and nasty in everyone's opinion. I don't even think anyone would have considered it...at least not in the circles I traveled in. I was sexually active (did it a few times) at 16, then I decided to not be until after I graduated from high school, but even oral wasn't something people much talked about. It wasn't until I was 19, that I had a guy shove my head in his crotch, expecting something. I had no clue what to do, or why he was really even doing that, LOL! Needless to say, I didn't do what he wanted...forcing me doesn't go over well!
I know my daughter who is turning 16 has already tried to do oral for her boyfriend, but said she wasn't too thrilled with the idea. I'm sure it will happen again....but I'd rather have her do that than having intercourse.

[MamaLisa1]

Originally Posted by allgirls

I drove her and 2 of her friends to the sexual health clinic. The other 2 girls parents had no idea they were sexually active. I knew. Do you think I should have told on them? They had parents they didn't feel like they could turn to..should I have told on them? What would have been gained by it?

I think that there is definitely a place for moms like you....most/many girls don't feel comfortable going to their parents about sexual things, so it's nice if there IS a mom who can be there to help them. I think that at a certain point, we as women, need to be responsible for our own bodies, and even though our parents would certainly prefer we not be sexually active too young, it's really each individual person's choice to make. I would rather have my kids be protected if they feel they want to be active.
I think I may find myself being the same mom you are. If I knew my daughter's friends were active, I'd let them know that I'm there for them if they need me to be. I'd rather not see anyone become pregnant at this point in their young lives....one of my friends did, and her life took a totally different turn than mine did. Whether she has any regrets, I don't know...but I know I loved my life in my early 20's and am glad I got to have the experiences I did without having the responsibility of raising a child yet.

[paquerette]

Originally Posted by lovingmommyhood

I just don't know that it's your call. Just because their parents are strict doesn't mean they are wrong and you should help their children break the rules. KWIM??

I don't think anyone's saying she should allow it to continue in her home and facilitate the breaking of the rules. I think people are saying she shouldn't out them to the parents in order to prevent any harsh retribution against them.

[MamaLisa1]

Originally Posted by Shonahsmom

where there is a horny-teenage-will there is a way (or lots of ways).

Short of locking me in a dungeon and outfitting me with a chastity belt, they could not stop me from having sex.

That sounds like how I felt at certain points, mostly at around 18...I would have had sex anywhere I could, even with the risk of getting caught. I was VERY sexual. I wonder what happened to that???? LOL!

[Susie1]

Originally Posted by JenBuckyfan

(because boys at that age really don't respect the female body)

I have to disagree with this commonly held and harmful belief about boys. Boys are so capable of respect and so capable of kindness and sweetness and respect. They do respect.

Girls in middle school can be much more aggressive than the boys; often initiating physical contact that could pressure a boy. I know of one boy who welcomed the attention while another boy was very put off by it. Not all boys (or girls) are the same. The idea that girls are saints and boys sinners is a common societal meme that I think is damaging to both girls and boys.

What I think holds true, is that the consequences of pregnancy are very, very different for a girl than a boy. This does leave a girl more vulnerable in an unprotected sex situation. But in a protected sex situation, both girls and boys are very vulnerable to the consequences of a close relationship. All relationships create a certain amount of vulnerability. Demonizing boys needs to stop.

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by Susie1

Boys are so capable of respect and so capable of kindness and sweetness and respect.

I absolutely agree with this statement however there is a very strong double standard. If a girl is coming on strong she gets called a name, a boy doing the very same thing is just being a boy.

I think there are lots of very respectful boys. BUT that doesn't change the perception out there that girls should behave one way and boys the other.

In fact what you are saying about about the aggressive girls initiating contact that could pressure a boy..that's true, though the opposite is much more common. What is wrong with a girl being aggressive anymore than if a boy is. What is wrong with a girl having a strong sexual drive?

I certainly don't demonize boys..they are a product of a culture that views what behaviour is ok for boys and girls very different. They are a victim of it as well. I see how boys can be.

[Susie1]

Originally Posted by allgirls

In fact what you are saying about about the aggressive girls initiating contact that could pressure a boy..that's true, though the opposite is much more common. What is wrong with a girl being aggressive anymore than if a boy is. What is wrong with a girl having a strong sexual drive?

I did not say that there was anything "wrong" with a sexually aggressive girl. However, in middle school, it is not common for the boys to be the aggressors. While they may be more aggressive in other ways that society/culture supports and promotes, they are behind the girls sexually. I wonder why nature did that?

True about double standards -- they work against both the boys and the girls. When girls are sexually aggressive, it is tolerated -- it may be more socially acceptable nowadays than it was when we were younger, hence the name calling to which you were referring. However, if a boy is sexually aggressive, he is now considered a predator. Scary and unfair. Of course, the only way to get around these horrible double standards is to have open conversations about sexuality and stop pretending that boys and girls are asexual until "we adults" think that they are ready. People are ready to express themselves sexually in a variety of ways at different ages and stages of their lives. Open dialogue about sexuality and respect is necessary from the beginning of raising kids. Humans have a lot of weird hang-ups.

[allgirls]

Originally Posted by Susie1

the only way to get around these horrible double standards is to have open conversations about sexuality and stop pretending that boys and girls are asexual until "we adults" think that they are ready. People are ready to express themselves sexually in a variety of ways at different ages and stages of their lives. Open dialogue about sexuality and respect is necessary from the beginning of raising kids. Humans have a lot of weird hang-ups.

absolutely!

[kathywiehl]

I didn't read all the replies, but I can promise you that if I were the parent of either of these teens, I'd really appreciate a call from you telling me what was going on. I'd be furious to know that dd's friends parents knew she was having sex and didn't tell me. I feel it's my responsibility to keep her safe from teen pregnancy, stds and all the other heartache and drama that goes along with having premarital and/or teen sex and if I don't know then there is no way for me to step in and make it stop or at least make it less convenient.

[Peppermint Leaf]

Originally Posted by kathywiehl

I didn't read all the replies, but I can promise you that if I were the parent of either of these teens, I'd really appreciate a call from you telling me what was going on. I'd be furious to know that dd's friends parents knew she was having sex and didn't tell me. I feel it's my responsibility to keep her safe from teen pregnancy, stds and all the other heartache and drama that goes along with having premarital and/or teen sex and if I don't know then there is no way for me to step in and make it stop or at least make it less convenient.

_________________

I agree

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by kathywiehl

I didn't read all the replies, but I can promise you that if I were the parent of either of these teens, I'd really appreciate a call from you telling me what was going on.

I decided to make rules where they can not have sex in my house, but I will not be turning them in unless they decide to break those rules.

[Peppermint Leaf]

Originally Posted by moondiapers

I'm having a hard time understanding the logic in some post. A CHILD is doing something that may be harmful to him/her, BUT we're not telling the parents just on the off chance that the parent MAY be abusive? I hope you're willing to take responsibility if a pregnancy or std occurs.

________________________________________

[PoppyMama]

If you worry so much that other parents may not police your kids in the manner to which you prefer you should probably keep them at home.